Sweet Deception
by LoisAndClarkSuperfan
Summary: Jo is brutally attacked and left to die while working undercover as a detective. While her family and friends are left to cope with their feelings about what has happened, Jo is forced to face the secret truth about her past. Things aren't always as they are perceived, and in the end, no one is left untouched. This story takes place shortly after the FOL Reunion Movie.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! This is the first FOL story I have posted on this board (although I have written several.) This story was originally posted elsewhere, but my friend Kristen3, insisted I bring it over here so she could enjoy it as well. :) So, I've decided to give it a shot over here. **

**The story takes place after the FOL Reunion movie. I was unhappy with the movie in a lot of ways, but I decided to kind of take their interpretation of Jo as a police officer and work it into my story. Also, I decided that Fake-Rick from the movie was not Rick at all, but instead Jo's new husband Kyle (they never actually refer to the guy by name in the movie anyway.) So, the story may not follow the characters in the way you expect, but I do promise all the characters are in this story eventually. The story is very long, so I am not posting the whole thing at once, but I will update it frequently. **

_**Word of warning...this story does deal with adult themes. It's not meant to offend anyone, so I wanted to give fair warning.**_

**I hope you enjoy reading it. Thanks!**

"Hey…I need your help tonight." Her partner's gravelly voice forced Inspector Jo Polniaczek to turn back from the door where she was exiting work for the day.

"What's up?" Jo asked, sitting her things on her desk. She was more than ready to go home and could tell from the look on his face that her partner had something up his sleeve.

"I volunteered to take over that prostitution case…you know, down by the docks," Inspector Henry Grisock scratched his head, trying to think of a way to convince her to help. Henry was one of the oldest inspectors on the force, and he wore his many years of experience on his face. He was at least twenty years older than his partner, but they had clicked instantly when Jo had joined the Los Angeles Police Department six years earlier. They were practically inseparable at work, although Jo insisted on keeping regular working hours since she had a daughter at home who needed her. Henry had always supported that, but on a rare occasion he needed her and he knew she would be there if he asked.

Jo sighed, "What do we need to do?"

"I need a prostitute," Henry snickered. He knew Jo would laugh, which she did immediately, but it was the truth. "One of the beat cops was going to do it," Henry explained. "But she came down with the flu. This has to go down tonight," he insisted. "You're the best I have to offer."

"Well thanks a lot," Jo rolled her eyes. She grabbed her jacket and purse. "What time do you need me? I need to get home, make Jamie some dinner, and make sure Kyle is going to be home. If not I'll have to find a sitter, but I'll be there."

"9:00," Henry answered gratefully. "And remember to dress for the profession," he laughed again.

"I'll do my best," Jo shook her head in defeat and waved a quick good-bye as she rushed out the door.

Twenty minutes later she pulled into the parking lot outside her apartment. Grabbing her purse, she got out of the car and glanced at her watch. It was already 6:30. She didn't have much time to get Jamie settled and transform herself into a streetwalker before she needed to meet Henry. She ran up the stairs and opened the door, hoping Kyle was home so she wouldn't have to find someone to stay with their daughter.

"I'm home," Jo pushed open the door and sat her things on the table near the door.

"In here," Jamie called from the kitchen. "I'm playing chess with Uncle Rick."

Jo walked into the kitchen and kissed her daughter on top of the head. "How was school?" she asked as Jamie moved a pawn on the chess board.

"Fine," Jamie shrugged. "How was work?"

"Okay," Jo smiled. She looked at her ex-husband and sighed, "What are you doing here?"

"Kyle had to go to some party over at the recording studio and he asked me to stay with Jamie until you got home," he stood from the table. "Since she's killing me at chess I guess it's time for me to take off," he ruffled Jamie's hair and walked towards the door.

"What party?" Jo asked, following him into the living room. "How long is he going to be gone? I have to go back to work."

Rick shrugged, "He didn't say." He could see the frustration in Jo's eyes as she walked into the other room. He followed her and gently put his hand on her shoulder, "Hey…are you alright?"

Jo was alright, she was just mad. She and Kyle seemed to be growing farther apart by the day and lately he had been spending more and more time on work related activities and less time with her and Jamie. To make things worse, he didn't even bother to tell her if he wasn't coming home. Jo had been hurt and ashamed when her first marriage had fallen apart and she was scared this one was heading down that same road. "I'm fine," she mumbled. "I just need a sitter because I have to go back to work."

"I can stay with Jamie," Rick offered. "It's not a problem."

"Thanks," Jo forced a smile. As uncomfortable as it was for her to have her ex-husband living in the same apartment complex, it did come in handy sometimes. At least he was someone she considered a friend. "You can leave when Kyle gets back…if he comes back."

"What's this all about?" Rick asked. He had noticed a tension between Jo and Kyle for some time, but she had never come right out and said anything to him before. Maybe it was because they had been married themselves. Maybe it was because Kyle had been a friend of his long before he married Jo and Rick had introduced his friend to his ex-wife, not knowing they would end up really and truly in love. But for whatever reason there was a wall between Jo and Rick that they never dared cross and he could see from the look on her face Jo was about to.

"I don't know," Jo let out a deep breath. "We just don't seem to have much in common anymore. When he and Jamie went to New York for Thanksgiving, I went to see a lawyer…"

"No," Rick interrupted. "Jo, you don't want to do that. A divorcee times two…is that the label you want?"

"Hey," Jo yelled angrily. "Don't even bring our marriage into this. That wasn't my fault and you know it. You were the one…"

"What's going on in here?" Jamie asked as she walked in from the kitchen. "I heard yelling."

"Nothing sweetie," Jo cleared her throat and gave Rick a glare. "I have to go back to work so Uncle Rick is going to stay with you until Dad gets home."

"Okay," Jamie grinned. "That means we can finish our game."

"Oh great," Rick playfully groaned.


	2. Chapter 2

Jo looked at herself in the bedroom mirror, fastening her long, dangly earrings. Then she slipped into her high-heeled shoes and put the finishing touches on her eye make-up…the darker the better. She polished off the look with bright, cherry red lipstick and sighed, "Lovely," she said sarcastically. "What did you get me into tonight Henry?" she asked as she walked into the living room.

Jamie and Rick were watching TV and they both smiled mischievously when she walked into the room. "Wow," Rick teased. "I love your new look. It's really you."

"Yeah Mom," Jamie chuckled. "I want to learn to dress just like that."

"Ha, ha, ha," Jo replied to their teasing. She kissed her daughter on the cheek leaving red lip prints and laughed, "I'll be home late. Go to bed on time."

"I will Mom," Jamie hugged her.

Rick walked her to the door, "Stay safe," he whispered.

"I will, I promise," Jo said as she walked out the door, "Thanks again for staying with Jamie."

"You know I love spending time with her Jo," Rick said seriously.

Jo nodded, "I know."

Half an hour later Jo drove down the dark streets near the docks. She was supposed to meet Henry near an old shack where the police had set up surveillance. She got out of the car and stumbled as she made her way toward the shack. It had been a long time since she had worn shoes like these and she wasn't used to it. She hoped she wouldn't be on her feet long. Hopefully they'd catch the guy and be out of there in no time. "Henry," she whispered as she pushed open the door.

"Over here," her partner's voice echoed from across the room. Jo followed until she found him setting up camp in the corner of the room. "Glad you made it. Nice look on you," he chuckled.

"Yeah…yeah, I heard it all before I left home tonight," Jo cringed. "So, what are we doing here?"

"Milo Lonvetti," Henry showed her a picture of the suspect. "He's a drug smuggler."

"I thought this was a prostitution case," Jo asked nervously. She didn't want to get into anything too dangerous. When she and Kyle had adopted Jamie six years ago she had made a promise that she would not take any more dangerous cases. That was one of the reasons they had moved to LA from New York. The LAPD offered special projects for mothers with children, so they could serve their community and not put themselves in added danger.

"Well," Henry continued. "After he gets a new shipment, he always finds a prostitute down by the docks and…_celebrates_ his good fortune." Henry made a sick face. "From what we've been told, he likes to brag about his drug deals, so we need you. Make sure Lonvetti chooses you, wear this wire, and get him to talk about the drug smuggling." Henry spoke nervously, "The only thing is you have to leave your gun here. There is no way you can hide it in that getup."

"Henry," Jo's voice cracked, "I'm not sure about this."

"You can do it," Henry said without a doubt. "I've seen the way you work. The two of us can bring him down…right here tonight. Are you with me?"

"When is everyone else showing up?" Jo asked, knowing she would go along with him. She could never say no to Henry. He was like a father to her and she knew he would never let anyone hurt her. They were there to protect each other.

"They should be here in an hour or so," Henry replied. "You go down by the docks and make yourself at home. Let people see you, make them think you belong there. Keep an eye out for Lonvetti. I'll turn your earpiece on so you can hear what's going on back here."

"Okay," Jo nodded. "Who's following me to the hotel with him?"

"Me," Henry promised. "And a couple of the guys. We've got your back. Don't worry."

"Well wish me luck," Jo forced a laugh as she walked out onto the docks.

"Make yourself look available," Henry's voice joked through the earpiece. "You look too uptight."

Jo leaned against the light pole and looked around. The place was swarming with "working girls" and it sickened her. Plus she had to admit to herself she was a little worried. At thirty-six, she knew she had a good fifteen to twenty years on most of these girls. They were kids, and it made her sad to think of them living their lives this way. Right now she couldn't worry about that though. She had to think of a way to get Lonvetti to choose her over one of these young girls.

She looked around and remembered the last time she had been undercover as a prostitute. It was right after she had married Kyle. He always loved it when she was undercover, said it made him feel like they were living dangerously. They were living in New York City at the time, and Jo worked for the NYPD. That night she had been on the lookout for a man who was suspected of kidnapping prostitutes working on the strip near the theater district, but she found someone else. While she was standing there, glancing in all the cars that passed her by, she heard a small cry and she couldn't ignore it. It seemed to call to her. She walked down the alley and there, in a huddle against a cold brick building was a little girl. Jo knelt down to her and the girl sobbed, her long dark hair matted to her face. A second later a woman, tall and dangerously thin ran up to them and tried to pull Jo away from the girl, shouting that she was the girl's mother and that Jo had no right to be anywhere near her. Jo flashed her badge and picked up the child. She knew the mother was on something, the way her body jerked and she slurred her words. The little girl couldn't have been more than five or six, and she looked like she hadn't eaten in a week. Jo looked into the girl's eyes, and she knew she would always love that child. Then she looked at the mother, and although she pitied her, she hated her as well. "That was a long time ago," Jo whispered to herself. She thought about Jamie at home in her bed and tears came to her eyes. "I'm so glad I saved you from that my sweet girl," she sighed sadly.

Suddenly Jo realized she hadn't heard anything from Henry in a while. He was supposed to tell her when the other officers arrived. She tried shifting her head and when she did she could hear static, but nothing else. The radio must have gone out again. The department had been having trouble with a lot of the surveillance equipment, but budget cuts made it impossible to replace any of it. She looked at her watch. It was getting late and there was still no sign on Lonvetti. Most of the other women on the docks had found clients and left with them. Jo was pretty sure Lonvetti was not going to show up tonight. She headed back to the shack to tell the guys they should call it a night. Maybe they'd have better luck next time. Jo pushed open the door to the old shack and it was pitch black inside. She couldn't even see lights from the surveillance equipment. "Guys…" she whispered nervously. She stopped when her foot hit something on the ground beneath her. She looked down and gasped. Henry was laying on the ground, blood pouring from the fresh stab wounds on his neck and chest, his eyes cold and lifeless staring up at her. Jo knelt beside him, "Henry…" she sobbed reaching to feel for a pulse that wasn't there. Then she noticed the other two officers lying beside him. Their throats were slit and Jo nearly vomited as she rose to her feet and attempted to run from the scene.

She could feel the evil in the room, the sense of danger overwhelmed her. She ran to the door, kicking off the high heels that were hindering her stride. She made it to the door, reached to open it, when she felt the cold metal blade against her throat. "Please…don't" she begged, but within seconds the pain engulfed her and everything went dark.


	3. Chapter 3

The phone call had come just after 1:00 AM and Rick had been trying to get in touch with Kyle ever since. It was now after 2:00 and he had pretty much given up on reaching his friend. Where the hell was he? Jo was going to die all alone at that hospital, and her husband was nowhere to be found. "She's not going to die," he whispered to himself. "She tough…she's going to be fine." He held back the tears that were forming in his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted to yell, to scream and throw things. But Jamie was asleep and the last thing he wanted to do was wake her up. He didn't want to have to tell her about her mother.

He tiptoed towards the bedroom and peeked in on the girl. She was sound asleep, looking peaceful, curled up under her flowered blanket. Rick smiled instinctively watching the girl sleep. She was a great kid and he loved her with all his heart. He felt lucky that Jo and Kyle had included him in their lives, made him part of their little family. And he had become very close to Jamie over the past few years. He was honored to be her Uncle Rick and proud of her many accomplishments. She had just turned thirteen, and already she was thinking about colleges and taking advanced classes even though she was only in middle school. "She gets that from Jo," Rick said to himself. Even though he knew Jo was not her biological mother, he also knew that Jamie had Jo's work ethic, her desire to learn and make a difference in the world. What if she lost her mother tonight? How would that change the person she was destined to become? He didn't want to think about it.

Rick walked back to the living room and dialed Kyle's cell phone one last time. No answer. Then he sat on the couch and let out and exasperated sigh. He wanted to go to the hospital himself, so she wouldn't be all alone. But he didn't want to leave Jamie alone and he couldn't wake her up and drag her to the hospital to watch her mother die. He closed his eyes. This was all his fault anyway. He was the reason Jo had become a cop in the first place. He had always known she joined the police force just to spite him after their divorce. He had hurt her so deeply, and she wanted to run away, make a new life for herself. So she had left Peekskill for the city, and before long she had joined the NYPD. She told him it had nothing to do with him, that she was tired of social work and that she wanted to do something exciting with her life, but he knew better. Jo was devastated by what he had put her through, and maybe she wanted excitement, but she also didn't care much about what happened to her either. That was why the police force was perfect for her. She could focus her energy on helping others, on making a difference, but in the end if things went wrong she could always die with dignity and honor, putting an end to the pain in her heart.

The dark stillness of the night was more than he could take. He had to go to the hospital. Rick stood up, ready to wake Jamie and explain to the poor child what had happened when the door creaked open. "What are you doing here?" Kyle asked as he walked through the door, dropping his guitar case on the floor. "Where's Jo?"

"Where the hell have you been?" Rick yelled, then lowered his voice so he wouldn't wake Jamie. "I've been calling you all night."

"I was at that party at the recording studio," Kyle's voice was defensive. "I saw the house number on my cell, but I figured it was Jo getting on my case for not being home. What's going on anyway? What's the big emergency?"

"Your wife," Rick said hatefully. "She's the big emergency. She's fighting for her life right now and she's all alone thanks to you. You couldn't answer your damn phone all night?"

The color drained from his face and Kyle had to lean against the wall to keep from passing out. Ever since they had gotten married, he had been turned on by the danger of his wife's job. He felt like it made them more adventurous, forced them to live in the moment and that had excited him. He never really let himself think about what life would be like if something happened to her. "What happened?" he voice quivered.

"She went undercover tonight," Rick explained. "I don't know what they were supposed to be doing, but she was dressed as a hooker and I know she was meeting Henry at the docks around 9:00. A little after 1:00 there was a call from the hospital. She had been brought in by ambulance. Some teenagers looking for a good time found her body in a shack down by the docks."

"Her body?" Kyle had to swallow the bile that was rising in his throat. "Is she…"

"She was alive," Rick coughed to clear the tears from his throat. "Unconscious….but alive." It was hard to repeat the words he had been told on the phone. "She was stabbed a couple of times in the back, and badly beaten. They said her face is damaged beyond recognition." He lowered his voice, as if to make the words he spoke less terrible than they were, "And she was raped."

Kyle crumbled into a heap on the floor, unable to control his emotions any longer. Rick knelt down beside him and let his own tears fall. "They said she was lucky to still be breathing," his voice croaked. "The other officers were killed instantly. They slit their throats. One of them was Henry."

"Oh God," Kyle exclaimed. "Did she have to see that? Watch them kill her partner and then know they were coming for her?"

"I don't know," Rick said honestly. "I don't think so. They said her wounds look as if she was taken off guard…attacked from behind. Not that that is any better." He looked seriously at his friend, "You should get up there…she needs you there."

"Yeah," Kyle rose to his feet and wiped his eyes.

"I'll stay with Jamie," Rick offered. "Do you want me to tell her when she wakes up?"

Kyle shrugged, "Tell her whatever you want." He couldn't think clearly enough to know what was best for his daughter. "I'll call you and keep you posted."

"Thanks," Rick sighed. He watched as Kyle grabbed his keys and walked out the door. Then he leaned back on the couch and let his mind wander to the past.


	4. Chapter 4

They had gotten married too fast. Jo tried to tell him it was too soon, that they needed time to get to know one another, but he wouldn't listen. He made it his goal to sweep her off her feet and that determination had paid off. They were married a mere six weeks after they started dating and he could not have been happier about it. Jo had been happy too at first, until he ruined everything. Rick would never forgive himself for that.

Going on tour seemed like the right thing to do. Jo had been supportive of it, knowing they needed the money and he loved pursuing his music. What was supposed to be a one month tour had turned into three months, and Rick missed being with his wife. That was when he had made the biggest mistake of his life. April Grimes meant nothing to him, she was just someone who was there and after a few drinks things had gone too far. He never planned to see her again after that one night, but things quickly became more complicated than he could have ever imagined.

When he came home from the tour he tried to pretend like everything was normal. He showered Jo with gifts and a few times she jokingly asked him if he was feeling guilty about something, but he knew she didn't suspect anything. Finally, a few months later he felt like he could put that guilt behind him. Cheating on his wife was despicable, hiding it was even worse, but he loved Jo more than anything and he would never betray her again. He knew that. He had to let himself off the hook and focus on their life together. He owed her that much.

Then the unthinkable happened. April showed up at their apartment, pregnant with a baby she claimed was his and threatening to tell his wife if he didn't give into her demands. She wanted money, more than he could ever come up with and so he knew he had no choice but to admit the truth to Jo. He didn't want her to hear it from April.

Jo smacked him across the face when he told her, a reaction that wasn't unexpected. "How could you do this to us?" she had asked angrier than he had ever seen her. He tried to explain that he had been drunk, not that it was an excuse, but she wouldn't hear any of it. She had run out of the apartment and he didn't see her for three days afterwards. He knew she was staying with Blair, but when he called no one would answer. He didn't blame her for hating him, he deserved it. But all of the sudden, three days later there she was, ready and willing to take on April. She was angry on his behalf, something he hadn't expected when he thought of how to tell her he had destroyed their happy marriage. "How dare this tramp come in here and try to blackmail you into giving her money," Jo had shouted. "We don't even have any proof that the baby is yours."

Rick had refused when Jo insisted on meeting April. He didn't trust his wife to remain calm and April was pregnant, whether or not it was his baby he didn't want Jo to hurt her. So he met with April himself, told her he had confessed the whole thing to his wife and that he wasn't going to pay her off. April had flipped out then, threatening to kill herself and when she ran off Rick had tried to find her but he couldn't. He spent the next three months worrying about the baby, wondering if it was really his and if it was healthy or of April had actually made good on her threats and killed herself, taking the baby with her in her demise. Then late one night there was a frantic knock on the door and there was April, her dark hair hanging limp in the rain, her eyes empty. Jo came to the door and stared at the woman, unable to take her eyes away from the tiny pink bundle in the woman's arms. "It's cold," Jo said sadly as she stared at them. "Why don't you come inside?"

April walked into the apartment and looked around. She handed the baby to Jo, who reluctantly took the little girl. April's voice was harsh, "I don't want her," she said bitterly. She looked at Rick and he could feel her hatred burning through him, "She's yours." She handed him some papers, a birth certificate, hospital records, and then she headed to the door, "Tell her I never wanted to be a mom and she's better off without me." Then she walked out the door.

Rick didn't know what to do. He looked at his wife who was sitting there with the crying baby and he hated himself for doing this to her. He hated himself for doing this to the baby, and to April. He had destroyed all of their lives. Jo rocked the baby back and forth, "She's hungry," she said, tears in her eyes. "You should run to the store and get some formula…and diapers. She needs to be changed."

"Jo…" Rick said gently. "What are we going to do with her?"

Jo looked at him, her eyes filled with painful tears, "She's your daughter Rick…we're going to keep her."

Rick sat beside her and shook his head, "No…I won't do that to you. I won't make you raise someone else's child. I'm so sorry…"

"Just go to the store," Jo spoke through her sobs.

When Rick came back from the store the baby was asleep and Jo was still cradling her in her arms. He sat next to them and looked into his wife's eyes, "I never meant for this to happen," he said honestly.

"I know," Jo whispered with bitterness. "And I hate you for this. Don't ever think I am going to forgive you." Then her voice softened, "But look at her. She's so tiny and innocent. She's beautiful and this isn't her fault. She deserves to be loved."

"I can't be a father," Rick said seriously.

Jo handed him the baby, "Well you are a father," she said tearfully. Then she walked into the bedroom and cried herself to sleep.

Over the next few months they had seen lawyer after lawyer, trying to find someone who could help them adopt the baby. April had put Rick's name on the birth certificate, but no one would agree to let Jo adopt the baby without April's consent and April was nowhere to be found. A blood test confirmed that Rick was the baby's father, and so Jo insisted that even without adopting her legally she would always be the little girl's mother. And she was a remarkable mother. Rick was in awe of how much Jo adored the baby, how she cuddled her and rocked her to sleep, how she cared for her and loved her as much as if she had given birth to her herself. He knew her friends were pressuring her to divorce him, give up on the sham of a marriage and move on. And he didn't blame them. But Jo was not going to leave. She loved him and she loved the baby and even though things were never the same between them, they were finding happiness together.

Then their lawyer finally tracked down April and it seemed like things were going to come together. But April refused to give up her rights to the baby and after meeting with them and seeing how much Jo longed to be the child's mother she insisted she wanted the little girl back. Rick promised his wife he wouldn't let that happen. April had abandoned the baby and surely no judge in his right mind would give her custody. But in the courtroom April's lawyer portrayed her as an overwhelmed new mother, abandoned by the father of her baby and all alone in the world. The judge ruled that they give April guardianship of her child immediately.

Jo clung to the baby, refusing to give her up and Rick had to pry her out of her arms. "She's our daughter," Jo had sobbed. "How can you give her back to that monster? You promised me…"

Rick left her alone and took the baby to the courthouse where their lawyer handed her over to April. "Please reconsider this?" Rick pleaded. "I love her. My wife loves her."

She's my daughter," April's voice was crass.

She's mine too," Rick reminded her. "I have rights. The judge said I can see her."

April left the courthouse with the baby in her arms and disappeared. She never showed up on his visitation days and even though the court ruled she was in violation of their custody agreement, no one in law enforcement seemed to care much about tracking her down. Rick never saw April again. The baby was gone and Jo couldn't take it anymore. Rick had betrayed her when he slept with April. He had made her life a living hell when April had shown up pregnant. He had turned her world upside down when April left the baby with them. But none of that compared with losing the baby. Without the baby, Jo knew she couldn't stay with Rick. Looking at him made her sick to her stomach. She hated him for all he put her through and she couldn't forgive him. She was mourning the loss of this child she had loved and she was not going to stay with the man who had caused her so much pain. So she filed for divorce and moved away from Peekskill. Less than two years after Jo and Rick were married, their marriage was over.

Rick opened his eyes and looked at the clock. It was 5:00 in the morning and Kyle still hadn't called with an update. If Jo had died, Rick knew a part of his soul would die with her. He had caused her so much pain and maybe this was his punishment for that. He walked towards the bedroom and checked on Jamie again. At least she was still asleep. He was glad Jo had finally had the chance to become a mother. Jamie was her world and he knew Jo meant everything to Jamie as well. He hoped Kyle would call with some good news before Jamie woke up.


	5. Chapter 5

"She's waking up," the nurse's voice seemed far away, almost like an echo. "Get the doctor…" the hustle and bustle around her was too much to distinguish. Voices…so many voices, but no faces to go with them. Jo tried to open her eyes, but she couldn't. They were heavy and no matter how hard she tried to force them open her eyelids refused to move. Where was she? What was going on? She could sense people all around her, possibly touching her, but all she could feel was immense pain. It overwhelmed her and she couldn't think clearly. Where was all the pain coming from? It seemed to emanate from every inch of her body.

"Help me," the words escaped from her pursed lips. "Please…" she pleaded, "Please help me."

"We are helping you Jo," a man's voice was loud and clear amidst the chaos in the room. "We are taking good care of you. Do you know where you are?"

Jo couldn't find the voice to answer. Her throat was dry and sore. "Please help…" her voice trailed off.

"I'm Dr. Gentry. You're in the hospital," the man explained, not sure if she was listening. "You were badly hurt. You've been in a coma for over a week. But we're doing all we can to help you."

"Where's Jamie…" she spoke breathlessly and the doctor was sure she was going in and out of consciousness.

"Who is Jamie?" the doctor glanced at the nurse assisting him. "Was that one of the other officers?"

"Jamie's her daughter," the nurse said quickly. "She's been camped out in the waiting room off and on for the past week."

"Right," the doctor said sadly. He had made it a personal rule not to get attached to the families. It made it that much harder when he had to tell them their loved one had died. And right now he couldn't believe he was standing there talking to this woman. She shouldn't have made it past the first night, but she had held on and continued to fight. It was nothing short of a miracle. "Jamie's fine Jo," he said and he was sure Jo had heard him that time. Her body seemed to relax some. "Do you remember what happened to you?"

"My little girl…" Jo sobbed. "I want my little girl."

"Your daughter is fine Jo," the doctor said again. "We have to worry about getting you better." But as he continued to ask her questions, Jo drifted back to sleep and he was sure the brief moment of consciousness was a fluke. Her injuries were too severe. He was pretty sure she wasn't going to wake up again.

Two days later he was proven wrong. Jo awoke to silence. There were no more people rushing around her bed. She still couldn't open her eyes and the darkness was disturbing. She was in pain, so much pain that she wanted to scream out, but she couldn't muster up the strength. "Hello?" her voice cracked. "Is anyone there?"

"Jo," she recognized her captain's voice immediately. He spoke slowly, "Jo…it's Mike. You gave us quite a scare."

"What's going on?" Jo asked nervously. Her chest was tight and she felt like she couldn't breathe. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" Mike asked. He knew the doctors had said her memory of the attack would be foggy and it was probably a good thing. "You were attacked, down on the docks."

Suddenly Jo felt chills as she remembered walking into the shack and finding the bodies. "Henry?" she cried. "God…"

"Jo, don't get yourself all worked up," Mike tried to console her, but he wasn't really good with emotions. He had been a no nonsense cop for more years than he could remember, lost more than his share of friends on the job. "The funeral was last week," he said sadly.

"I can't see," Jo tried to shift on the bed but the pain was excruciating. "Oh God…what did they do to me?"

Mike didn't know if he should tell her. He wasn't sure how she would take it. The doctors said it was better if she didn't remember, so maybe he shouldn't tell her. "You're pretty banged up," he said, trying not to let her hear the lie in his voice.

"There was a knife," Jo sputtered. "Held to my throat. That's all I remember. Did he slit my throat?"

"No," Mike spoke nervously. "But he stabbed you a few times in the back. Missed all the major organs, but there was still some pretty extensive damage."

"Why can't I see?" Jo asked anxiously. "I can't open my eyes."

"I think I should get the doctor," Mike stood to his feet.

"No," Jo pleaded. "Just tell me. Please…I deserve to know. The doctor won't tell me the truth."

Mike sat back down. He looked at her and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes. He never cried, and he wouldn't cry now, but it was hard. He didn't want her to know what happened to her that night. "Uhm…" he cleared his throat. "Lonvetti was onto Henry from the get go. He knew about the stakeout, even watched as you went to meet Henry. As soon as the other officers arrived he made his move. Slit their throats. Then he went inside and attacked Henry. He drug all the bodies into the shack and waited for you."

"Loventti," Jo's voice cracked as she spoke his name. "I'd never even heard of him before that night."

"When you came in he was waiting for you Jo," Mike explained. "You couldn't have prepared yourself for that. He stabbed you and from what the doctor says the pain was so intense that you passed out right away. Then he beat you, punched you in the face over and over again. That's why you can't see. Your eyes are swollen shut, your cheek bones are broken. Your face is…well…it's not in good shape. But the doctors think they can do surgery and repair most of the damage."

"I was never a raving beauty anyway," Jo tried not to cry.

"You're gonna look good as new," Mike tried to sound positive. "Really…you shouldn't worry about it."

"What else did he do to me?" Jo was scared to ask, but she needed to know. How much damage was she dealing with here?

"He…" Mike's voice trailed off. It hurt to tell her, and as he heard the words escape his mouth he felt like he would vomit. "He raped you."

The words seemed to stab at her soul, the pain sharper than the knife had been that night. She wanted to cry out, but the tears wouldn't come and she was disgusted with herself. "Where's my husband?" she asked softly.

"He's at work I think," Mike said sorrowfully. "It's been a couple of weeks Jo. Kyle was camped out here for a while, but the doctors made him go home. They said you weren't going to make it, but we all knew better. I'm going to go call him, tell him to get his ass up here."

"Is Jamie okay?" Jo asked.

"Yeah…she's scared, but she's okay," Mike promised. "She'll be glad to know you're awake."

"Don't let Kyle bring her up here," Jo said seriously. "I can't let her see me like this."

"Okay," Mike sighed as he walked out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

"I want to see my mom," Jamie yelled and there was no use trying to console her. "It's not fair," she screamed. "I need to see her."

"Jamie," Rick put his arms around her and hugged her close, "Honey, your mom is still very sick. She's in ICU and she can't have you up there right now. I know you miss her…"

"Uncle Rick, I'm not a baby," Jamie tried to hold back her tears but was unsuccessful. "I am scared. She might die and I won't get to tell her good-bye. I can't face that again…"

Rick knew Jamie was referring to her birth mother. She had died of a drug overdose shortly after Jo had found the child and her mother living on the streets in New York City. Jamie didn't mention her birth mother often, but when she did Rick could tell it was painful for her. That woman was the only family she had ever known until Jo came along, and no matter how messed up she was or how she had neglected her as a child, Jamie still held a place for her in her heart. Now she was facing losing another mother and Rick couldn't imagine the pain that entailed. "Honey,"' he said softly. "Your mom is going to be okay."

You don't know that," Jamie cried. "They said she wasn't going to make it. Now they are saying she's awake. Anything could happen."

"Jo is tough as nails," Rick said honestly. "She won't give up. And she loves you Jamie. She wants to be here for you. You mean the world to her…she won't leave you without a fight."

"Mike said she didn't want to see me," Jamie cried. "He told Dad that she said not to bring me up there. Why doesn't she want to see me?"

"She's in bad shape Jamie," Rick said sadly. "Honey, she is in a lot of pain, and you know how damaged her face is. Maybe she's scared you'll be afraid."

"I could never be scared of her," Jamie insisted. "I love her." She curled up on the couch and cried herself to sleep.

Rick watched her sleep and swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. The girl had been through too much in her young life, more than most adults and it wasn't fair. No child should have to suffer the way she had. He still remembered the phone call he had received from Jo the night she'd found Jamie on the streets on New York.

"I'm keeping her," Jo's voice had a fury he hadn't ever heard from her before. "She's my daughter…"

You can't just take someone else's child Jo," he had tried to talk some sense into her, but Jo wouldn't listen. "Her mother has rights."

"Her mother's a junkie," Jo argued. "You didn't see that poor baby huddled in that back alley Rick. She was in pain, physical pain from not eating for days and emotional pain from not being loved. Her mother doesn't care about her. She'd trade her for a gram of Cocaine, I'd bet my life on it."

"Jo…you're not serious," Rick couldn't believe his ears. Was she actually considering giving an addict drugs in exchange for a child. "Don't do something stupid."

"Don't you even care about her?" Jo had asked.

"Of course I do," Rick said seriously. "But I can't help you do something so shady. It's wrong and you know it."

"It's not wrong," Jo insisted. "It's what's best for her. Do you want to see her grow up on the streets like that?"

"No," Rick said honestly.

"Then do what I said," Jo's voice was harsh. "I mean it. Don't mess this up Rick." Then she's slammed down the phone.

Rick watched Jamie sleep and he knew she was much better off with Jo than she ever would have been with her birthmother. He was sure he had made the right choice to help Jo back then, but he wondered sometimes if Jamie would ever forgive them if she learned the truth.


	7. Chapter 7

Kyle walked into his wife's hospital room and he couldn't help but shake. He was afraid. He had never seen anyone look the way Jo did now, and to see her like that was killing him. Looking at her, bandaged and broken, he felt like he was in the midst of a bad movie. That couldn't be his wife lying there. His wife was fun, attractive, full of spunk. This person lying before him was none of those things. He pitied the person in that bed; the person he didn't recognize. He could never pity his wife the way he did this stranger lying before him.

He thought back to the night he met Jo. He was working as an understudy for the New York City Metropolitan Orchestra and Rick Bonner became a fast friend. They both had the same desire for fame, wanted more from their music than touring with the orchestra. It didn't hurt that they enjoyed drinking together after the performances either. It was nice to have someone to share a few drinks with. That night, after a rare local performance in the city, they had staggered into a bar a little after midnight. Rick told him he had promised his ex-wife they could get together while he was in town and she was working until midnight but would meet them at the bar. They sat down and ordered drinks and that was when he had first laid eyes on his future wife. Jo walked into the bar and literally took his breath away. Her long dark hair was clasped at her neck and her jeans and leather jacket gave her sense of danger he admired. Something was intriguing about her. She smiled when she saw them and waved as she made her way to the table.

"Who's this?" Jo asked motioning towards him. She had looked at Rick and snickered, "You were afraid to face me alone. Had to bring backup?"

"Very funny," Rick hugged her and introduced them, "This is a buddy of mine from the tour. Kyle Lawson…Kyle, this is my ex…Jo Polniaczek."

Jo shook his hand, ordered herself a beer and then sat next to them at the table. She didn't give Kyle much notice; spent the whole night talking to Rick about some woman she was trying to track down for a case at work. But Kyle had spent the whole evening watching her. She was amazing, her laugh, her smile, the way she rolled her eyes when Rick would say something that would irritate her. They must have spent half the night in that bar and when Jo finally decided to call it a night he watched her walk out and wished he could go with her. He asked Rick for her number, and the next week he managed to find the courage to call her. He figured she'd have forgotten him, but she immediately said, "Oh right…Rick's friend. ..the one he brought for backup." He had asked her out and she said she felt odd going on a date with one of Rick's friends. But he told her Rick had given them his blessing; had given him her number, so finally she agreed and the rest was history.

"Jo…" Kyle's voice cracked as he spoke to his wife. He wasn't sure if she was awake. Her face was bandaged and what little he could see of it was deformed beyond recognition. There was no expression to let him know if she'd heard him or not. He felt ill looking at her. "Jo…" he said again. "Are you awake?"

Jo's voice was breathy, barely audible. "Kyle?" she asked. "Where have you been?"

"I'm sorry," he sat beside the bed and grabbed her hand. "Baby…I wanted to be here. I've been here, but I had to go into work today. It was a big job; I couldn't miss it. Please understand…"

"Kyle," Jo's voice shook. "I don't care why you weren't here." She shifted slightly and moaned in agony, "Tell me what the doctors are saying. Mike was here, and he told me what happened to me. What do the doctors think? Am I going to survive this?"

"Of course you are," Kyle knew she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

"You're lying…" Jo whimpered.

"No I'm not," he promised. "The doctors didn't think you were going to make it this far. But now you're awake and you're going to be okay. They are sending a plastic surgeon down later to look at your face…they think they'll be able to repair the damage. And the stab wounds will heal. You were lucky none of your organs were hit."

"He raped me," Jo sputtered. "How are they ever going to fix that?"

Kyle knew she was right. Nothing would ever take away that pain, the feelings that came along with a violation so personal that he could never fully understand it. He didn't know what to say to make her feel any better. "Baby…I'm so sorry." He squeezed her hand and let his tears fall. Jo wanted to squeeze his hand too, but she didn't have the strength.

"How's Jamie?" she asked nervously. "Does she know about all of this?"

Kyle let out a sigh, "She's at home. Rick's with her." He cleared his throat, "She knows you were attacked. I didn't tell her everything. I didn't know how much you'd want her to know. She wants to see you."

"I don't want her up here," Jo said quickly. "She doesn't need to see this." She wanted to cry, but it hurt too much. "Kyle…if I die…you have to take good care of her. Please."

"Jo…you're not going to die," Kyle insisted.

"Promise me…" Jo argued.

"I promise," Kyle wanted to kiss her cheek, but he was afraid to disturb her bandages so he kissed her hand instead.

"And let Rick spend time with her…okay?" Jo sighed. "She needs him too. She loves him…" her voice trailed off and she was asleep again. Kyle watched her breaths, quick and uneven. He wasn't sure she would survive this and if she did he knew she was not going to be the same woman he married.


	8. Chapter 8

"Dinner's ready," Kyle called into the living room where Jamie was watching TV. She didn't move, so he peeked his head around the corner, "James…dinner. Are you eating?"

Jamie looked at her father and shook her head, "I'm not hungry," she sighed. Then she grabbed a throw pillow and curled up on the couch. She was looking at the TV, but she wasn't really watching it. The only thing on her mind was her mother. She had to see her. She had to know she was alive, breathing, fighting. Otherwise, it seemed as if she'd already lost her.

Kyle walked into the room and sat next to her. He didn't know what to say to her. Even during the good times he never felt he related well to his daughter. She and Jo were inseparable, had a connection stronger than any mother and daughter he had ever seen, but for some reason he and Jamie had not ever connected like that. For years Kyle thought it was because they had adopted her, and he felt immense guilt over that. But now he wondered if it was that he saw her as competition…someone Jo loved even more than him. He hated himself for even thinking that. "James," he spoke gently. "Your mom wouldn't want you to sit here and waste away. Come on. Eat dinner. I made beanie weenies."

He thought she might smile at that, just because of the sheer silliness of it. It was all he knew how to cook and Jo always teased him that if she had to work late she knew he'd serve up beanie weenies. But Jamie didn't smile. She didn't even look at him.

"Jamie…what do you want me to do?" Kyle asked seriously.

"I want you to take me to see Mom," Jamie sat up and there was a fire in her eyes that would have been frightening if it hadn't been so sorrowful. "I have to see her. No one understands that. I am not a baby. I can handle it…I can."

Kyle wasn't sure she could handle it. He couldn't handle it himself. When he had left the hospital earlier that evening he felt sick. It was hard to get the picture out of his mind; Jo, so badly beaten, her spirit crushed. The bandages, stained with blood and all of the machines pumping life into her otherwise limp body. He didn't want Jamie to see that. Jo didn't want her there either. It would make things worse. "I'll talk to your mom about it," he said hoping to buy some time. "We'll see what she says…okay?" Jamie nodded and went to her room.

Kyle scraped the beans into the trash. No one had eaten them and the thought of putting them away for tomorrow's meal was incomprehensible. He had to take things one day at a time, and he didn't need any reminders of the days before…not even leftovers. He put the pan in the sink and ran water over the black scorch marks. He had to help Jamie. He'd promised Jo he would take care of her and it would break her heart to know their daughter was so heartsick she couldn't even eat. Ever since the night Jo had come home and told him she'd found a little girl living on the streets and that she wanted to bring her home, he had known the girl meant the world to her. Nothing he ever said could have changed her mind.

"I found a little girl today Kyle," Jo was out of breath as she ran into their small New York City apartment. "She was living on the streets."

Kyle had been practicing for a concert that night and wasn't paying much attention, "That's too bad babe," he kissed her on the cheek. "You wanna go get dinner before my concert?"

"Are you listening to me?" Jo said angrily. "I found a child…she needs a home."

"Social services will find her a home Jo," Kyle hadn't realized what she was getting at.

"I want to bring her here," Jo said softly. "We can be her parents. She needs parents."

Kyle shook his head, "No…" he wasn't taking in some street urchin. "I know you want a baby and I'm sorry you're not pregnant yet but we are not taking in some strange kid."

"This isn't about me wanting a baby," Jo had argued. "It's about a child who needs saving Kyle. You didn't see her. She's tiny…I thought at first that she was five or six, but she's seven…she hasn't had the proper care to grow and develop. Who knows what all she's been exposed to on those streets? She needs a family."

Kyle had never seen her like this before. Jo was always passionate when she wanted something, but he had never seen her argue with such fervor. This girl meant something to her. "Where are her parents?" he asked. "They aren't going to just give her up. What has gotten into you?"

"What's gotten into me?" the question made her angry and she lashed out. "What the hell has gotten into you? Since when are you the kind of person who doesn't give a damn about a poor abused child? I can't live with someone like that Kyle…I just can't." She had headed for the door and he followed after her.

"Wait," he called. "I didn't mean that. Of course I care about her. I just don't know how we can help her Jo. We're not trained to deal with problem kids like that. I'm sure she has issues we don't know how to address," he put his arms around her and pulled her close. "I want to give you a baby…our own baby…you know that…"

"Damn you," Jo was spiteful as she pulled away from him. "You're afraid if we take in this little girl that I won't give you the baby you want…is that it?"

Kyle shook his head, "No…that's not what I meant."

"I want this little girl Kyle," Jo said seriously. "I am talking to social services and I am bringing her home. I don't care if you are here or not."

Kyle swallowed the lump in his throat. Jo was serious and he knew it. She would leave him if that was what it took to bring this child home with her. He didn't know why or how, but in that short time the girl had obviously worked her way into Jo's heart. He didn't think bringing her home would be as easy as Jo seemed to think it would be, but if Jo loved the child that much it was worth a try, "Okay…" he whispered. "I'd like it if she came here to stay." He hugged his wife and Jo melted with relief in his arms. Kyle kissed her gently, "What's her name?"

"Jamie," Jo smiled. "Her name is Jamie. And I know you are going to love her."

Kyle scrubbed the pan and sat in on the counter. Then he cleaned up some splattered sauce on the stove. He did love Jamie. Jo had been right about that. But even after all these years he knew Jamie didn't love him the way she loved Jo and she probably never would. They were a family, but there was a barrier between them that he couldn't quite put his finger on. Maybe if they had been able to have another baby, a child who could bind them all together, then their little family would have felt complete. But that was never going to happen, and he had known that from the start. He'd made sure of it. He regretted that he'd never told Jo the truth. She never understood why she couldn't get pregnant and even now she refused to use birth control in the hopes of adding a little baby to their family. Jamie was the only child they were ever going to have and he knew she deserved a father who could relate to her and make her happy. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be that person.


	9. Chapter 9

"She looks awful," the voice was on the verge of tears and Jo, who had just awakened from her deep sleep didn't quite recognize it. "God…why would someone do this to her?"

"Tootie calm down," another voice whispered. "She might hear you and we don't want her to know we're upset. She doesn't need that right now." Jo wanted to smile when she heard Natalie's voice and realized the other woman was Tootie, but she couldn't and for the first time she took a moment to think about how damaged her face must be. It scared her.

"I'm calling Mother in London," Jo recognized Blair's haughty tone right away. "She has a fabulous plastic surgeon and I want her to give him a call. He can fix this…he has to fix this," her voice cracked and Jo realized that her friends were devastated just looking at her. She didn't want to cause them so much pain.

Instinctively she tried to open her eyes, forgetting that they wouldn't open. This time was different though. She could see faint light so maybe the swelling was going down and she would be able to fully open her eyes soon. "I'm awake," she said softly. "Stop talking about me like I'm not here."

"Jo," Blair's voice shook. "Are you okay?" She sighed, "God…what am I saying…of course you're not okay." She sat in the chair next to her bed, "Natalie and Dorothy and I flew in this morning. We would have been here sooner, but…"

"It's alright," Jo cleared her throat and took a deep breath. Just talking was leaving her winded. "I just woke up a couple of days ago."

"We wanted to come sooner," Dorothy explained, "But Kyle said we shouldn't. He said the doctors wouldn't let us see you anyway."

"Yeah, they don't want us all in here right now," Natalie reminded them. "They said we only have five minutes."

"I'm glad you came," Jo whispered. "I wish I could actually open my eyes and see you. It's been a long time."

"Too long," Blair said as she grabbed her hand and held in tight. "Mrs. Garrett is flying in from Paris tomorrow night. She wants to see you too."

"Do you know…" Jo had to stop and catch her breath, "Do you know if Kyle called my parents?" Jo's parents never approved of her marriage to Kyle. Her dad said he was another worthless musician and her mother had never gotten over her divorce from Rick. In the seven years they had been married, Jo had seen her parents only a few times. Since they'd moved to LA six years ago, she had only seen them once.

"I don't know," Blair answered. "I can call them if you want me to."

"I don't know if it's a good idea," Jo's breathing was heavy. "Why upset them?"

"They'd want to know," Natalie said seriously.

"Time's up," the nurse's boisterous voice shocked them all. She looked at them and smiled. "I gave you longer than I should have. This is ICU and we have strict rules you know."

"We'll go," Dorothy leaned over Jo's bed and delicately patted her shoulder. "You get some rest and we'll all come back later. You're going to be okay…you know that right?" She had to fight her tears as she spoke the words she wasn't sure were truthful.

"Thanks Tootie," Jo said gently.

"We all love you," Natalie added.

"I love you guys too," Jo said seriously. "I don't want you to go."

The nurse looked sadly at her. It was obvious that although Jo needed rest, she also needed companionship and support from her loved ones. Sometimes she hated the hospital rules. They weren't fair. "Maybe one of you could stay," the nurse said quickly. "But only one of you…for a little bit."

"I'll stay," Blair said eagerly. She looked at Natalie and Dorothy, "Please…I want to."

They both understood and agreed Blair was the one who should stay. "We'll wait for you in the waiting room," Dorothy said.

Blair looked at Jo and didn't say anything. She was trying to take in all of the damage without letting Jo know how afraid she was. She wondered if Jo wanted to talk about the attack, if she even remembered much about it. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Blair asked gently. "Anything at all?"

"I heard what you said about the plastic surgeon," Jo's voice was breathy. "I look pretty bad…huh?"

"Well…" Blair tried to think of something to say that wouldn't upset her.

"Blair…I know," Jo said sadly. "I'm lucky I can even talk; I can't smile or move my other facial muscles. I know it's bad."

"Yes…it is," Blair said honestly. "But I meant what I said. Mother's plastic surgeon is the best. He can make you look exactly like you did before. Heck…why don't we go all out and let him transform you into a whole new person?"

Jo knew Blair was teasing her and she wished she could laugh. It felt nice to have someone say something to her that wasn't so serious. "My old face is good enough," Jo insisted.

"Yeah…it is," Blair agreed. She squeezed Jo's hand and lowered her voice, "How much pain are you in?" she asked.

"A lot," Jo answered. "I can't even describe it. I just want to scream, but I don't have the energy."

"Do you remember what happened?" Blair asked and instantly regretted the question. Just holding her hand she could feel Jo tense up. Her friend was petrified.

I don't remember really," Jo answered and he voice shook. "I saw my partner and the other cops…their throats were slit. Next thing I knew I was waking up here and my captain was telling me that I was stabbed and beaten and raped…" she couldn't speak anymore. Her body shook and her breaths were uneven. Talking was too painful.

"Calm down Jo," Blair rubbed her hand, "Do you want me to get someone?"

"No…" Jo said anxiously. "Just talk about something else. Tell me about you. What's going on with you?"

For once, Blair didn't want to talk about herself, but maybe that was what Jo needed…a sense of normalcy. She smiled, "Tad and I just opened a new hotel in Chicago. It's already booked through the end of summer. And we've been staying at the inn in Peekskill more often. We figured it was the best place to try to start a family."

"You're having a baby?" Jo asked.

"We want to," Blair answered. "We've decided to start trying. We also want to adopt. We want a whole houseful of kids."

"That's great," Jo sighed. She was happy for Blair, even if she felt a tiny twinge of jealousy.

"I'm sorry," Blair suddenly remembered that her friend had faced her own infertility issues over the past several years. "I know you probably didn't want to hear about our baby plans."

"No, I'm happy for you," Jo said honestly. "I guess Kyle and I just weren't meant to have our own biological children. It's okay though. We have Jamie and she's a perfect child. We're lucky."

"Did you ever see a specialist Jo?" Blair asked, even though she knew it wasn't her business. She wanted to give her friend some hope, although looking at her right now she couldn't imagine her ever being physically well enough to have a baby.

"Yeah," Jo answered. "Unexplained infertility. Of course that was just for me. Kyle refused to go. He said he didn't want a doctor messing around with him or saying there was something wrong."

"So you were fine?" Blair asked. "Then it must be Kyle. He should see the doctor too. Maybe they can fix whatever the problem is."

"I know…but it doesn't matter now anyway," Jo said sadly. "I don't know if I will ever be in good enough shape to have a baby after this. I'm so lucky to have my daughter, and I just have to face that she will be an only child."

Blair knew how much Jo loved Jamie. In fact, she knew more than most people what Jo would do to keep her daughter happy and safe. Jo had made her promise not to tell Kyle the truth, but Blair wondered if Kyle had ever figured it out.

"I really have to insist you go now," the nurse walked back into the room. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Blair stood up and leaned over her friend, kissing her gently over her bandaged forehead. "I'll be back," she promised. "And I'm bringing that plastic surgeon with me. I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to see your face again. I miss it."

"Thanks," Jo said softly. "That means a lot to me."


	10. Chapter 10

"Aunt Blair!" Jamie exclaimed when she opened the front door. "I'm so glad you came. Did you see Mom? Is she okay?"

Blair hugged the girl and walked into the apartment, "I saw her," she said softly. She tried not to let her sadness show. "She's doing okay. She misses you."

"I want to see her," Jamie said quickly. "Please tell Dad its fine for me to see her? I need to see her."

"Jamie," Blair knew the worry was apparent in her voice, "Sweetie…I know you want to see her but it's not a good idea. Your mom is…" She didn't know how to say what needed to be said without worrying Jamie even more, "She's not well enough to see you yet."

"She wants to see me," Jamie cried. "I know she does."

"Oh sweetie," Blair hugged her. "Of course she does. But right now, your mom has to focus on recovering from her accident…"

"It wasn't an accident!" Jamie screamed. "It was an attack…a horrible, brutal, awful attack that someone did on purpose. Someone wanted to kill her…and now…I'm scared she'll die and I'll never see her again." The girl leaned against Blair and sobbed. Blair stroked her long hair and held her close.

"What is going on in here?" Rick asked walking in from the kitchen. When he saw Blair comforting Jamie he realized. Seeing her mother's best friend obviously made Jamie's longing for her mother even stronger. "Blair…I didn't know you were in town."

Blair looked at him, but didn't loosen her embrace of Jamie. "Nat, Dorothy, and I flew in this morning. They're back at the hotel. I wanted to come over and talk to Kyle."

"He's not here," Rick answered. He looked at Jamie who finally pulled away from Blair, sniffling and rubbing her eyes as if she were a toddler instead of a young teen. "Jamie…why don't you go finish your homework." Jamie nodded and walked out of the room. "She hasn't been to school since this happened. Kyle went to get her homework last week, but she has to go back Monday. She can't miss anymore. It would be better for her to have that structured routine anyway."

Blair sat on the couch and Rick sat next to her, "Where is Kyle?" she asked.

"He playing backup on some recording," Rick answered. "He's kind of throwing himself into his work. Trying to keep his mind off of things."

Blair nodded, "Don't _you_ have to work?" she asked harshly. "What are you doing here?"

Rick felt like Blair's words were suspicious and he didn't like that she seemed unhappy to find him at Jo's apartment, "I took some time off," he explained. "I was actually touring last month, so after a tour we get some time off. I probably should go back to the recording studio, but Jamie needs someone to stay with her when Kyle's gone…"

"And you think that should be you?" Blair asked in an accusing tone.

"Why not me?" Rick asked defensively. "Jamie and I have always been close. She needs someone who loves her and can help her through this."

"That's Kyle's job, Rick," Blair's voice was bitter. "_He_'s her father."

Rick could feel her anger; the tension in the room was thick. He and Blair had obviously had their differences when he and Jo were married and he knew Blair blamed him for hurting Jo so badly back then. But her anger now seemed unreasonable. He didn't know why Blair would be upset that he was helping out in the midst of all the chaos. "Kyle can't be here all the time," he explained. "And Jamie can't be left alone when she is so upset."

"Tell Kyle I came by," Blair headed towards the door. "I want to know if he called Rose and Charlie. Jo asked about them today."

"How was she?" he asked nervously. "I've been up there a lot, but every time she's asleep. Is she doing okay?"

"No," Blair said sadly. "And I don't know if plastic surgery and time to heal her stab wounds will be enough. She is traumatized by this. She's not going to get over it." She sighed, "I hope you're happy with yourself. This is all your fault!" Then she burst into tears and couldn't hold in the sobs. "You made her join the force…" she sputtered. "It was because of you."

"Blair…I know I hurt her. After the divorce she wanted to do something exciting and I know that's why she chose this," Rick wanted to cry right along with her and it was all he could do to keep from it. "Don't think I haven't spent the past twelve years worrying about her, or that I don't know this is all my fault…"

"She didn't join because of the divorce Rick," Blair looked at him and for the first time realized he didn't know the real reason Jo had joined the police force. It was time he learned the truth. "She joined to find April…to track her down…to get _your_ child back. I don't know why she's stuck with it this long. She could have quit…"

"Oh God…" Rick looked into her eyes and he knew she was telling the truth. "She _wanted_ to track down April?"

Blair nodded, "She wanted the baby back." She looked at him and wondered if he realized that she knew the truth. "It took longer than she thought it would…but we both know she found her."

"She told you?" Rick asked nervously. He had always thought the secret he shared with Jo was theirs and theirs alone. It scared him that Blair obviously knew about it as well.

Blair nodded, "She had to…she needed my help. She needed money to finalize things…move out here and start over."

"I never knew you helped her. She didn't tell me." He looked at her anxiously, "I tried to talk her out of it. I really did. But in the end, I had to help her too," Rick admitted. "It was for the best thing for everyone."

"How long do you think the two of you can keep this secret Rick?" Blair asked seriously. "Kyle has to suspect something…he's not blind."

"I don't think he does," Rick's voice quivered. "He can't find out, Blair. Not now."

"She looks a lot like you," Blair insisted. "I can see it…especially when the two of you are together. Do you really think he hasn't noticed something odd? Do you really think social services just lets someone take in a kid they find on the streets without any training or proof they are related? Or that traditional adoptions can be finalized as quickly as that one was? He was stupid not to suspect something before now, but when he finally comes to his senses and realizes the truth…all hell is going to break loose."


	11. Chapter 11

Jo awoke from her deep sleep. Her head was spinning and her stomach was just as bad. She would buzz for the nurse, but her arms were weak and she couldn't reach for the buzzer. She must have moaned miserably, because before she knew what was happening there was a shadow hovering over her, "What's wrong? What do you need?" he asked nervously.

It was Rick. Jo recognized his voice. Suddenly she realized she could see his movements. It was dark, and his figure was nothing more than a shadow, but she could see him. "Is the light on?" she asked weakly.

"No," he said. "You were sleeping so I didn't turn it on."

"Can you turn it on?" she asked. "I think I can see you." Rick reached above her bed and pulled the metal chain to the overhead lamp. The light was bright, and her eyes burned, but Jo could see him. He was a little blurry and she could tell her eyelids were still swollen and she was peering through small slits. But she could see and it was a miraculous relief to be released from the darkness she had been trapped in for the past few days. "I can see you…" she had to hold back her tears.

"You look better," Rick sat in the chair next to her bed. "You're not as swollen. What's wrong though…you were moaning? Do you need more pain medicine?"

"No," Jo sighed. "The pain meds are doing a number on me. I'm not feeling very well."

"The doctor was in here earlier and he said that if you started to feel the effects of all the meds it meant you were finally starting the healing process," Rick smiled. "Your body is actually trying to take care of itself. That's a good thing."

"It is?" Jo took a deep breath and tried to settle her stomach. "I wish I could sit up or something."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Rick replied and his face looked worried. "The wounds on your back are pretty bad. They have you lying on special bandages and I don't think they'd like it if you moved."

"How do you know all of this?" Jo asked suspiciously.

"I've been up here…everyday," Rick explained. "I had to check on you. I had to know…"

"That I was alive," Jo said knowingly. "Well I am…so you can stop worrying."

"Jo, I feel so bad about all of this," Rick said honestly. "I have to ask you something…" he noticed as she continued to take deep breaths to fight her illness. "This isn't the time," he said gently. "Why don't you close your eyes…that might make you feel better. All the stimulus in the room could be making you dizzy. You haven't had your eyes open for a long time."

"That's why I can't close them," Jo said seriously. "I don't ever want to close them again."

Rick nodded. He could only imagine how frightening it had been for her to awake without the ability to open her eyes. It was no wonder she refused to close them now. "I'm going to go find the nurse and ask her to give you something to help," he said as he stood, but Jo stopped him.

"No," she insisted. "I am tired of all the medicine. I'll be okay. What did you want to ask me?"

"I don't think this is the best time," Rick said again.

"Just ask," Jo was getting frustrated. If he had come all the way there it must have been important. "I'm okay…what did you need to ask me?"

"I…uhm…I always thought you became a cop because of our divorce," Rick began and he could hear the nervousness in his voice. "Blair came over tonight. She said this was all my fault…"

"Well it's not," Jo said matter-of-factly. "You can stop feeling guilty."

"Jo…I do feel guilty. Nothing is going to change that. I know I screwed up your life, and you know how sorry I am," Rick explained. "But there's more. She said you didn't join because of the divorce. She said you joined to track down April."

Jo closed her eyes. As much as she didn't want to give up the eyesight she had been granted, even for a few brief seconds, she couldn't face him. She didn't want to tell him the truth. She sighed, "Blair should have kept her mouth shut."

"Jo," Rick leaned over and whispered, "I need to know the truth. What really happened the night you found Jamie?"

"I told you," Jo was tired and she couldn't think clearly. Her breathing was heavy and she ached all over. She didn't want to remember the past, let alone relive it here in her hospital room.

"Did you track down April and steal Jamie from her?" Rick asked, afraid of the answer.

"I was working on the streets," Jo insisted. "I had been looking for April for years and I couldn't find her. I had given up the idea of ever tracking her down. It was by chance that I found them that night. And it was Jamie I found…not April. Jamie was alone and sobbing in the alley, huddled against the bricks for warmth. When I picked her up, April came running around the corner, probably from her latest meeting with her dealer. I arrested her and took Jamie to social services. You know that. Why are you questioning it now?"

"Blair says Jamie looks like me," Rick added. "She says someone is going to figure it out."

"Blair is full of it. Jamie does not look like you any more than she looks like me. People see what they want to see. She looks like her own person. No one is going to figure it out," Jo said defensively. Then her tone became anxious. "They can't. No one can know about this."

"Maybe we should just tell the truth," Rick sighed. It was a suggestion he never considered before now, but he was worried. Blair already knew their secret, and what if someone else started putting the pieces together. It wouldn't end well. "Maybe it would be best for everyone."

"No!" Jo sobbed. "Please Rick…don't do this to me. Don't do this to Jamie…or Kyle. Kyle won't be able to handle it. I lied to him…he'll never forgive me."

"Calm down," Rick tried to soothe her, but her sobs were uncontrollable. He grabbed her hand and held it tight, "I won't tell…I promise," he whispered. "You're going to make yourself sicker…please calm down."

"I didn't do anything wrong," Jo cried. "I saved her. She would have died or spent her whole life living in that hell. And she was mine anyway…April abandoned her…then she stole her away from us. All I did was find a way to take her back."

"You're right," Rick said softly. "And I'm glad you got her back. You've always been an amazing mother to her Jo. She's lucky. And I'm lucky to have someone like you to raise my daughter."

"Is Jamie okay?" Jo asked, tears staining her facial bandages. "I'm worried about her."

"She really wants to see you," Rick explained. "She's making herself sick with worry."

"I do not want her to see this," Jo's voice quivered. "I've always protected her, and I won't stop now. She cannot see this. It'll be too much."

"Maybe you can call her on the phone," Rick suggested. "Let her hear your voice."

"Sure," Jo agreed. "I can do that." She was groggy. Her head felt fuzzy and she was even dizzier than before. "I need to close my eyes…" she mumbled and Rick watched as she seemed to go in and out of consciousness.

"Go back to sleep," he whispered. He squeezed her hand one more time and waited for her to fall into a deep sleep. Then he sat and watched her. He knew she was right. Jamie was better off with Jo than she ever would have been with April. But something was eating away at him. Was it guilt? Was it fear? He wasn't sure, but deep inside he knew they would not be able to keep their secret forever.


	12. Chapter 12

When she opened her eyes the next morning a nurse was putting something in her IV and Jo looked at her blurred form. She wasn't sure which nurse it was, and she hoped it was one of the nicer ones. "Please don't…" Jo asked. Her voice was raspy and her mouth was dry.

The nurse looked at her, "Don't do what?" she asked. Jo could barely make out her crooked smile. "Oh," the nurse said gently, "Your eyes are open…I bet that feels pretty nice huh?"

"Yeah," Jo answered. "Can I have a drink? My mouth is so dry."

"No," the nurse shook her head. "I'm sorry…but we can't let you try to eat or drink anything. There is a lot of damage to your facial muscles and we're not sure yet about your gag reflex or your ability to swallow. We've been giving you nutrients and keeping you hydrated with the IVs. I can swab your mouth for you if you'd like…moisten it up some."

"Okay," Jo tried not to cry. For a brief second she wondered why she couldn't have just died at the docks that night. She didn't want to live the rest of her life like this…not even able to take a drink of water when she was thirsty. But she had to push that thought out of her mind. Jamie needed her…that was why she had survived and that was why she had to get better."

The nurse took the blue sponged swab and brushed it around inside Jo's mouth. She pushed it back so far that Jo thought she might vomit. Her gag reflex was obviously working no matter what the hospital staff thought. "So, what were you trying to say?" the nurse asked again. "You said please don't…"

"The meds," Jo answered, her voice a little clearer now that her throat wasn't so dry. "Stop giving me the pain meds. They are making me sick."

"You are on a lot of meds," the nurse said. "They all have side effects. It could be from any of them. I don't think you want to stop the pain meds. You need them…"

"It's the pain meds," Jo insisted. "I threw my back out a few years ago and the doctor gave them to me and I felt just like this. I don't react well to pain medication. I don't want it."

"You don't realize how bad the pain is going to be without them," the nurse argued. "You need them."

"But I don't want to feel so doped up and sick," Jo couldn't hold back her tears. "I can't even think straight and I think I'm gonna throw up."

"You won't throw up," the nurse promised. "Your stomach is completely empty. Maybe we can up your anti-nausea medication?"

"I'm on anti-nausea medication?" Jo asked. Suddenly she realized that she didn't know anything about her medical treatment or her prognosis and that scared her. "What other drugs am I on?"

The nurse picked up her chart and read off the list, "Antibiotics to prevent infection in your stab wounds and facial abrasions,anti-inflamatories, two different painkillers, anti-nausea medication, intravenous fluids and nutrients, preventative meds for STDs and Hepatitis, and the AZT/3TC pack." The nurse put the chart back on the end of her bed. "You need all of those. We can't stop them just because you don't feel well."

"What's that?" Jo asked. "The AZT/3TC pack? What is that for?"

The nurse's face seemed to sadden when she heard the question. She wasn't usually the one to give this sort of news…the doctor did that. But she had read off the list so now she had no choice. "It's an anti-viral medication," she said gently. "It's used to treat the HIV virus."

Jo didn't know how to respond to that. She wanted to scream, but nothing would come out. All she could do was whimper. Her voice quivered, "I don't have HIV," she insisted.

"You were raped." the nurse said, and it took all the strength she had not to cry right along with her patient.

Jo let out a scream so loud that another nurse rushed into the room, "I don't have HIV!" she screamed. "I am not going to die like that! God…just let me die now…please…"

"Shhhhhh…" the other nurse grabbed her hand and rubbed it gently. Jo recognized her voice from the day before. It was the same nurse who had broken the rules to let Blair stay with her. "You _are_ okay Jo," she whispered. "Calm down sweetie. You don't have HIV…"

"But she said…" Jo had to catch her breath. "She said I was taking medicine for it."

"You are," the nurse explained. "But it's a precaution…we're just being extra careful. Rape victims have to take that medication for 28 days and then we re-test for the virus. Just to be safe. When you came in your HIV test was negative." She could feel Jo start to relax and she squeezed her hand even tighter in support, "And the rape kit was negative too. The rapist didn't have HIV antibodies that were present at the time of the attack."

"Then why do I have to take the meds?" Jo asked nervously. "There's still a chance isn't there? I could have it?"

The nurse nodded sadly, "A small chance. It takes a while for the virus to show up on a test, so if your attacker was recently infected…he could have infected you without it showing up. But the odds are very slim…I promise you…it's a very small chance. The meds are a just-in-case…"

"Does my husband know about this?" Jo asked. "He must hate me. He must be completely disgusted by me."

"The doctor told him," the nurse answered softly. "And he is not disgusted by you. He is worried about you. We're going to re-test at the twenty-eight day mark. That's only a week or so away. Then we'll know something more conclusive. Try not to worry."

"How can I not worry?" Jo asked and she wondered why she hadn't been worried before now. She wasn't stupid. She should have been worried. She'd just been so confused, so tired, in so much pain…the thoughts of any kind of diseases she could have caught from that piece of slime hadn't even occurred to her.

"You will worry no matter what," the nurse said sadly. "I know that. But please remember that the odds are very good that you don't have it."

"I know…" Jo sighed.

"Can I get you anything?" the nurse asked with sympathy. "How can I help?"

"Can you get me the phone and help me dial?" Jo asked. No matter how upset she was, she knew Jamie was at home thinking about her, missing her, longing for her. And she wanted nothing more than to hear her little girl's voice right now. "I need to call my daughter."


	13. Chapter 13

"Mom…" Jamie's voice shook as she spoke into the phone and Jo wanted to cry when she heard the fear in her daughter's voice. The nurse had put the phone on speaker because Jo was too weak to hold it to her head, and Jamie's sad voice filled the room. "I wanna see you. Please. Tell Dad to bring me up there. Please," the girl pleaded.

"Baby…everything is okay," Jo tried to stay calm. She didn't want Jamie to know she was just as upset. "I promise you can come and see me when I get out of ICU."

"I miss you," Jamie cried. "I want to see you now."

"I want to see you too baby," it took every ounce of strength she had not to cry, not to beg Kyle to bring her daughter to her. "This just isn't a good time. When I'm feeling better the doctor will let you come up here…okay. Try to be brave for me. I need to know you're okay."

"Okay," Jamie continued to cry. "How are you feeling?"

Jo wanted to lie, to spare her daughter any more pain, but she knew if she wasn't truthful Jamie would be able to tell. She was growing up and she knew details of the attack. She had to know that Jo wasn't okay. "I'm in a lot of pain," Jo admitted. "And according to everyone who's been up to see me I'm in need of a good plastic surgeon." She tried to chuckle a little to ease the tension.

"Aunt Blair knows lots of them," Jamie teased, attempting to lighten the conversation herself.

"Yes she does," Jo agreed. "And she has a call into one right now. What do you think…should I go all out…give myself a glamorous new look or are you okay with your same old boring mom?"

Jamie laughed then and Jo felt a huge sense of relief, "For your face, the same old you would be the best," she laughed. "But maybe you could get a boob job or something. That would be cool."

"Very funny," Jo replied, happy that her daughter was acting more like her old self. "I see my little smart-alleck is back." She sighed, "I love you baby."

"I love you too Mom," Jamie said gently. "And I'm gonna see you soon. You're gonna be well enough."

"Yes I am," Jo agreed. "Take care of your Dad okay. Don't give him too much trouble…and eat the beanie weenies that I know he is making for dinner."

Jamie chuckled, "I will…I promise."

"I love you," Jo said gently as the receiver clicked on the nurse hung up the phone. Jo looked at the nurse and sighed, "Thanks for that. I needed to talk to her."

"Well of course you did," the nurse adjusted her IVs and checked the bags of medication and fluids. "She loves you a lot. I could tell."

Jo closed her eyes and listened as the nurse moved cautiously around her room. Within a few minutes the room was silent and she could tell she was alone. She felt like crying. Hearing Jamie's voice had been painful. Knowing her daughter was so afraid and she couldn't comfort her broke her heart. And the thought of leaving her permanently, whether the result of her wounds, or possible HIV, or even years from now left her terrified. She let her mind wander to the things Rick had said to her the night before. She hoped he was sincere in his promise not to tell. It would only cause problems and none of them needed that stress added to their troubles right now.

She thought about the night she had found Jamie huddled in that alley. She had never lied about that night. She was working undercover as a prostitute when she heard Jamie's cries and followed the pitiful sound down the dark alley. And there she was…so innocent and beautiful, starving for food and affection. Jo knelt beside her, tried to comfort her and then April came running around the corner. "Get away from her…" her voice had slurred. "You stupid tramp…leave my kid alone."

Jo realized that the woman thought she was a hooker, so she flashed her badge and picked up the little girl. Then she looked at the mother and tried to explain, "Ma'am…your daughter is in danger out here. You've obviously been partaking in illegal substances…"

Before Jo could say anymore the woman tried to grab the child out of her hands, "She's my kid!" she shouted. She looked at the little girl and screamed, "Jamie…come to Mommy…"

Jo held tight to the little girl. The child was shivering and sobbing, and reached out towards her mother. That was when Jo looked in the woman's eyes and recognition hit her, "April?" she asked. She looked at the child she was holding and suddenly felt ill. That poor little girl was the child she had been pining over for so many years. "What are you on April?" Jo asked, still clinging to little Jamie. "I know you're on something…we need to get you some help."

"Give me my kid!" April screamed and slapped at Jo. "I'll kill you! You can't have her!"

Jo grabbed her handcuffs and cuffed her, pushing her to the ground and within seconds her partner, a young cop named Gary arrived to provide back-up. "What the hell is going on out here," he asked. He grabbed April and pulled her to her feet.

"Prostitute…strung out on drugs," Jo exclaimed. "She abandoned her kid out here on the streets." Jo held the little girl tighter. "I'm taking the girl to social services…you go book the mother downtown."

Jo watched as Gary arrested April. She was still screaming and fighting the arrest. Jo felt relieved though that April seemed too strung out to recognize her. She buckled Jamie into her own car and drove her to the social services office. It was the hardest thing she'd ever had to do to leave her there. She knew she had to think of a way to get her back. Otherwise, April would be out of jail in a few days and have her daughter back in no time. Jo would not let Jamie grow up like that. She couldn't. There had to be a way. She drove around for hours thinking of a plan.

Jo opened her eyes, "I didn't do anything wrong," she whispered. "I protected her." She could feel the meds making her woozy. Before long she was sound asleep.


	14. Chapter 14

Edna Garrett walked slowly into the hospital room. The nurse at the front desk had told her Jo was asleep and to be careful not to wake her. Edna was at a standstill as she stood at the doorway and stared at Jo's limp body in the hospital bed. The grim sight took her breath away and she grabbed the door frame for support. She had been told what to expect, but mere words could never describe the sight that lay before her. She felt physical pain just looking at Jo, and she had to turn around and walk out of the room to catch her breath.

"Are you alright?" a nurse asked as she walked by.

"Yes," Edna said softly. "I just need a moment to pull myself together."

"She's doing better," the nurse forced a smile. "I know it must be frightening to see her like that, but her body is healing. She's going to recover from this and that is nothing short of a miracle. The doctor didn't think she would."

Edna nodded, "Jo is a fighter," she agreed. "Always has been. But this…" she felt tears stinging her eyes, "This is so horrific. There is blood oozing from her bandages. After all this time…how can she still be bleeding? That doesn't seem like she is healing."

"We change her bandages every hour," the nurse explained. "Some of the wounds have closed up already. Some are still bleeding, but that is because we had to give her blood thinners to prevent a blood clot while she was in a coma. We've stopped the blood thinners now, so the bleeding should stop soon."

"What about her face?" Edna asked. "It's completely bandaged. Does she have open wounds there too?"

"Her face was badly beaten," the nurse explained. "Right now it is hard to tell how extensive the damage is because of the swelling and bruising. She has some open wounds, but mostly the bandages are to prevent more swelling and to keep her from moving. If she tries to use her facial muscles, she could cause more permanent damage. She needs a plastic surgeon and from what I understand a friend of hers was able to reach a specialist who is flying in right away."

"That would be Blair," Edna said knowingly. "I'm glad she found someone." She closed her eyes and sighed, "Poor Jo…I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now. She must be so afraid."

"Luckily she has a lot of people who care about her," the nurse said gently.

Edna nodded, "I should get back in there," she said. Then she looked back at the nurse, "Thanks for the talk."

"Sure," the nurse answered. "Good luck."

Edna walked in the room and this time walked right to Jo's bed. She watched her breathe, and as her chest rose and fell with each breath Edna found herself counting each individual breath. She hadn't seen Jo in a long time, more time than she cared to admit. But she had always loved her, worried about her being a police officer, and feared something would happen to her. Nothing could have prepared her for this though. She reached out and gently touched her, careful not to wake her. "I'm here Jo," she whispered. "I'm here for you. Everything is going to be okay."

Edna felt like she had been sitting for hours when Jo finally opened her eyes later that afternoon. She smiled at her, "Jo…" she whispered. "I'm so glad to see you."

"Mrs. G?" Jo asked. "I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I really am."

"Oh honey…don't be sorry," Edna grabbed her hand on her shoulder. "I am so glad I can be here for you now. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't need anything," Jo sighed. "I just wish this whole mess was over. I want to be well enough to go home."

"I know you do," Edna said softly. "It will happen soon. You'll be home before you know it."

"My back hurts," Jo tried to hold in her tears but the pain was so intense that she couldn't help but let them fall. "Oh God…I feel like…like I did that night…" she screamed in pain and Edna buzzed for the nurse.

"Hold on honey," Edna tried to soothe her but Jo continued to scream in agony. The nurse rushed into the room. "She's in pain…a lot of pain," Edna said anxiously.

"Where is the pain?" the nurse asked calmly.

Jo was out of breath and her voice was weak, "My back…it feels like the knife…like it's stabbing me all over again."

"Okay…try to relax," the nurse remained calm as she grabbed a pair of surgical gloves and slipped them on quickly. Then she lifted the bed to a sitting position and helped Jo lean forward, "It's probably a muscle spasm," she said softly. She pushed on her back, trying to relax the muscles and Jo cried in pain as she came close to her stab wounds. "Just try to breathe," the nurse said gently. "That will help with the pain."

"No…" Jo screamed. "It doesn't help. I can't take this anymore. I just can't."

The nurse helped her lay back and looked her in the eye, "Jo…do you want me to give you something to make you go back to sleep?"

"No…I just can't stand this pain anymore," Jo gasped in misery.

The nurse put another painkiller in her IV. "I don't think you are having a spasm," she said sadly. "I think you are having what we call phantom pain. After a traumatic injury, the body sometimes holds on the memory of the pain, and can re-experience it. I'm so sorry, but it will pass." She left the room, promising to come back and check on Jo in a while.

Jo knew the nurse was right because the pain was easing, but she was scared to death of feeling this way for the rest of her life. She couldn't control her sobs and her tears were no longer from the pain. They were tears of sadness. "I hate the person I've become. I'm so weak and I can't take care of myself. I hate myself."

"Jo don't say that," Edna gasped. "Oh honey, you are going to be back to your old self in no time. You're going to be okay." She put her hand on her shoulder and rubbed gently, "Do you want me to rub your back like the nurse did? Would that help?"

"No," Jo said quickly. "You can't touch me. There is a lot of blood…"

"I'm not scared of a little blood," Edna smiled.

"Mrs. G," Jo cried. "I might have HIV."

Edna didn't know what to say. She could barely hold herself up and slowly lowered herself into the chair by the bed. "Oh…" was all she could say. She knew her face bore the sadness and worry she felt in her heart. She hoped Jo wouldn't notice. She knew Jo needed her to say something supportive, something that would make her feel better, but the words wouldn't come.

"I probably don't," Jo sniffled, finally taking control of her sobs. "I'm probably fine."

Suddenly Edna realized that Jo was lying in her hospital bed, fighting the emotional and physical torture of her attack, and trying to make her feel better. Edna felt immense guilt at the realization. She had to do something to let Jo know she was not alone in this and that it wasn't her job to make everyone else feel better. "Honey…I know you are going to be just fine," she whispered and tears fell down her cheeks. "And I'm still not afraid to touch you…even with all the blood. I can wear gloves just like the nurse did. Don't you be scared to ask if you need my help."

"Thanks Mrs. G," Jo sniffled. "I do you need your help."

"What do you need honey?" Edna smiled. "Anything."

"I need you to stay at my apartment and take care of Jamie," Jo said seriously. "She needs someone like you. Kyle is throwing himself into his work to avoid this whole mess and Jamie just needs someone she can talk to…someone who can cook something other than beanie weenies for dinner and tuck her into bed if she feels scared."

Edna smiled gently, "Of course I can do that," she squeezed Jo's hand. "Now why don't you try to get some more sleep?" She suggested. " I think that medicine the nurse put in your IV is making you tired."


	15. Chapter 15

"Mike?" Jo asked when she awoke to find her captain standing at the edge of her bed the following morning. "What're you doing here?"

He smiled and sat next to her bed, "I wanted to come and check on you," he answered. "You look better. Your eyes are open. How are you feeling?"

Jo wasn't sure how to answer. She was relieved to be able to see, glad to know her prognosis was good, but the pain was nearly unbearable and the fear of catching some horrible disease from her rapist was wearing on her emotions. "I'm hanging in there," she said honestly. "I'm waiting for the plastic surgeon to come in and see me. Maybe I can look like my old self again soon."

"That is good news," Mike smiled. "So," he began. "Have you had a lot of visitors? People keeping you busy up here?"

"Some good friends came into town to see me," Jo said gently. "That was really sweet of them, especially since I haven't made much of an effort to stay in contact recently."

"Has Kyle been up here?" Mike asked reluctantly. Ever since the night of the attack he had been concerned by Kyle's lack of involvement in his wife's recovery. He hadn't been able to reach him at all the night she was attacked and later only saw him at the hospital a few times. He was beginning to wonder if their relationship was already strained or if this was the result of the attack.

"He came up…once," Jo was mad at herself as she felt tears forming. She didn't want to cry over Kyle. He was obviously scared. It wasn't his fault that he was frightened to see her this way. Besides, she had gone to see a lawyer about possibly divorcing him so she had to admit their relationship wasn't very strong before everything happened. "It's fine though," she added. "He's busy with work, and with Jamie. He'll be back up here when he can."

"Sure he will," Mike's response was not convincing.

"So," Jo said changing the subject. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?"

Mike shrugged. He was not looking forward to this. "I am working," he answered. "Jo…I need to talk to you about the attack and about Lonvetti."

Jo felt ill at the sound of his name. She cleared her throat, "What do you need to know?" she asked.

"I thought you'd rather talk to me," Mike offered. "Instead of one of the other cops. I offered…"

"It's fine," Jo said coldly. "What do you want to know?"

"Well, first of all I think you should know that we haven't caught Lonvetti," Mike said seriously.

Jo wasn't sure what to think about that news. She hadn't let herself think about him running around on the loose, but deep inside of her she had known if he was caught she would have been told. A part of her wanted to cry out in fear. What if he came after her again? But she couldn't let him have that power over her. "Okay," she said. "Do you have any leads?"

"Let us take care of that," Mike said. "This is not your case…"

"The hell it's not!" Jo yelled. "He attacked me. He almost killed me. My daughter could be without a mother right now because of him. This is my case more than anyone's!"

"Okay…you're right," Mike tried to appease her. "But you are in no condition to solve this Jo and you know it. Let the rest of the force take care of it…and believe me…everyone on the force is out to get this guy after what he did. But we need your help. Do you remember anything about the attack?"

"No," Jo said sadly. "Just what I told you before. I saw Henry and the other guys with their throats slit. I tried to run and then I woke up here." She couldn't control the tears that were staining her bandaged face. "I wish I knew more so I could help."

"No…it's not your fault," Mike promised. "And we are going to catch him. We think he left the country…that he's laying low for a while. But he'll be back. We're gonna get him Jo. He is not getting by with this."

"Jo?" Blair peeked her head around the door. "Is this a bad time?"

"No…come on in," Jo said as she tried to control her tears. "Blair…this is my captain, Mike. Mike…my best friend Blair."

"Nice to meet you," Mike said politely. Then he looked at Jo, "I'm gonna go. You keep fighting…you're looking so much better."

"She's going to look great," Blair added and motioned towards the door. "This is my mother's plastic surgeon, Dr. Renaldi. He's a genius."

Mike left the room and Dr. Renaldi walked to Jo's bed. "It is nice to meet you," he said with a heavy accent. "I am anxious to examine you and see if I can help."

"He's going to make you look as good as new," Blair promised.

"I hope so," Jo sighed. "How long will it take?" she asked.

"I need to assess the damage," Dr. Renaldi said quickly. "Would this be a good time?"

"Sure," Jo replied, anxious to find out what her prognosis was.

"Good," Dr. Renaldi smiled. Then he looked at Blair and asked her to leave the room. When they were alone, he carefully removed the bandages and took photographs of her face. Jo felt chills up her spine at the clicking of the camera. She didn't want this horrific time in her life captured forever on film and even though she knew the pictures were an important tool for the doctor, the thought of ever having to look at them herself made her nauseous.


	16. Chapter 16

Dr. Renaldi carefully put the bandages back into place. He marked some information down in his notes and Jo waited anxiously for his diagnosis. She wanted to know what she was facing, how bad things were going to be. She could live with scars or discolored skin; she didn't want to think about living life completely deformed. She felt guilty for being so vain when she had always made fun of other people who were obsessed with beauty and good looks, but the thought of not recognizing herself when she looked in the mirror scared her half to death.

"Can my friend come back in here?" Jo asked nervously as the doctor looked up from his notepad. "Please…can she come back in? I want someone with me when I hear what you have to say."

"Of course, if that's what you want," the doctor's thick accent held an echo of sorrow. He walked to the door and called Blair back into the room.

Blair rushed over to Jo's bedside and smiled, "What did he say? He can fix you right up…I know it."

"He hasn't said anything yet," Jo answered. Blair could see how afraid her friend was and grabbed her hand, holding it tight. Jo felt tears stinging her eyes, "I just didn't want to be alone when I heard what he had to say."

"It's okay ," Blair whispered gently. "You're not alone. I'm right here." She smiled, "Do you want me to call Kyle…maybe you want him here too?"

"No," Jo answered quickly. "He doesn't need to come." Blair looked confused, but decided not to question Jo about Kyle.

The doctor walked over and stood at the foot of the bed, "I think I have some good news," he said. "The damage does not seem to be as bad as initially expected. I believe the doctor who did your initial exam was probably not a trained facial reconstruction surgeon. He mistook a lot of bruising and swelling for muscular damage when in fact your facial muscles appear to be intact."

"Really?" Jo said in disbelief. "Oh God…I can't believe this. Everyone said my face was deformed…"

"Let me finish," the doctor said softly. "There is extensive damage to the bones in your cheeks and near your eye socket on the left side. Your face looks misshapen because the bones are not holding things together the way they should. You have numerous skin abrasions and your face is completely black and blue. I believe I can reconnect some of the broken bones. Others may be shattered beyond repair and I will need to reconstruct those using synthetic materials. I need to drain some of the fluid that is causing the facial swelling and once I have you in the operating room I will be able to pull back the skin and determine if there is any muscular or nerve damage inside that I cannot see with an initial examination. It is a very extensive process."

Jo didn't know what to say. The surgery was frightening, but she didn't want to live with the deformities caused by her attack either. "Is this dangerous?" she asked.

"All surgery has risk," Dr. Renaldi said honestly. "The worst case scenario would be if you were allergic to the synthetic bone I used to reconstruct your face. You could get very ill. You could develop a skin infection, possibly lose part of your face if the infection spread, eating away your skin cells. The odds of that happening are slim."

"Jo…are you okay?" Blair asked tearfully. Jo looked sickened by the doctor's words and she was shaking. Blair had known her friend would have to undergo extensive surgery, but hearing the details of it made her cringe. Watching Jo listen to the details made her want to break down and sob.

"I don't feel well," Jo said honestly.

"Do you need some time to make your decision?" Dr. Renaldi asked sympathetically.

"You can take your time," Blair insisted. "Wait until you're feeling better."

"No," Jo said quickly. "I want to do it. I have to do it."

"Jo…are you sure?" Blair asked. As much as she wanted Jo to look normal, the doctor words about what could happen were burning in her mind. "Take some time to think about it."

"No," Jo said again. "If I stop to think about it, I'll just worry. I want it done and over with. Whatever happens, happens. At least I can say I did all I could to get my life back. I can't let Lonvetti take everything away from me."

"Okay," Dr. Renaldi smiled. "I want you to know I have examined your records and I think you are a very good candidate for the surgery. There should be no problems. You will probably be out of bandages within a couple of weeks. Fully recovered in six to eight."

"Wow," Blair was surprised. "That fast? It's just like a facelift." She smiled, "Which I have never had."

Jo wanted to laugh, but her face was sore from the exam and she really couldn't move her mouth very well. "When will you do the surgery?" she asked.

"I think tomorrow morning would be good," Dr. Renaldi answered. "I would like to do it as soon as possible before anymore of your bones break or your flesh moves any further to accommodate the loss of structure."

"Tomorrow?" Jo asked. "I wasn't expecting it to be so soon."

"It's for the best," the doctor insisted.

"Okay," Jo agreed. She was already in so much pain that the thought of another medical procedure was overwhelming, but maybe it would be better to do it now and get it over with.

"We're going to let you rest," Blair said softly. "I know you're not feeling well."

"Thanks," Jo said gratefully. "For everything, Blair. I know this wouldn't have happened without you."

Jo watched as Blair and the doctor walked out of her room. She was relieved that things could be okay, scared that something could go wrong, worried that she would never be relieved of the pain she felt all through her body and soul. She was glad to be alone, but frightened by the emptiness at the same time. No matter how wonderfully the surgery went, even if she looked like her old self again, she knew she was never going to be the same person after all of this. She longed to be that person again. She wasn't ready to say good-bye to herself and accept this new person she had become. All she could do was cry.


	17. Chapter 17

Jo was surprised to see Kyle sitting next to her bed the next morning. It had been a restless night. The doctor had stopped her pain medication so it wouldn't interfere with the anesthesia for her surgery and she was in terrible pain. Every inch of her body ached and throbbed. She had been awake most of the night. She must have fallen asleep eventually though. Looking at her husband she wanted to smile, let him know she was glad he had come to be with her, but she hurt too badly to force a smile. "Kyle…" she whispered, realizing her voice was weak and tired. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too babe," he winked and smiled. "I took off the whole day so I can be here with you after your surgery. I can't believe Blair found a doctor who can fix everything."

"I know…" Jo gasped in pain and tried not to scream out. "Kyle…" her voice shook. "I think I am going to die."

"No," Kyle said softly. "Don't say that. I know you feel bad…but you're going to be okay."

"This isn't just bad," Jo cried. "It's awful…it's the worst pain I could ever imagine…something is wrong…really wrong…" her voice trailed off and she couldn't even speak through the pain any longer. It took her breath away.

"You're going to be okay," Kyle stared at her and didn't know what to do. He had never seen her in pain like that before. He pushed the buzzer for the nurse, "Hold on…I'm going to find someone to help you." He started for the door when the nurse rushed in.

"What's going on in here?" the nurse asked.

"Something is wrong with her," Kyle choked on his words. "I've never seen her in so much pain. You have to help her."

Jo couldn't even speak to express how much pain she was in. The nurse looked at her and spoke gently, "I know the pain is bad," she said sweetly. "But we can't give you anything before the surgery. Try to be strong."

"I…can't," Jo sputtered. She felt sick to her stomach from the intensity of the pain and the throbbing made her brain feel like it could explode. She couldn't think straight.

"Calm down…breathe deeply," the nurse suggested. "It will help." She smiled, "You have a daughter right?" she asked. "Remember when she was born? Try the Lamaze breathing you did then. It works for all sorts of pain…"

"Our daughter is adopted," Kyle said as Jo gasped for breath. "She doesn't know how to do that…just help her damn it!"

"I'm sorry," the nurse said softly. She ignored Kyle and looked at Jo, "Breathe in deeply and let it out slowly," she said calmly. "It will help. I can't give you pain meds right now. I know you are in a lot of pain."

Jo tried to do what the nurse was telling her to do, and it did help a little. The pain was still overwhelming, but at least she could speak, "I can't handle this," she cried. "I am going to die."

"You're not going to die," the nurse promised. "You can get through this. The pain increases in intensity the longer you go without the pain meds. I'd guess your body is finally completely free of the medication and that is why you are hurting so badly right now."

"I can't believe I was begging to go off the pain meds before," Jo cried. "I was stupid. God, what if I need those stupid meds for the rest of my life?"

"You won't," the nurse insisted. "But you will need them for a while. After the surgery we will give you as much as you need and you'll be feeling better. Until then, try the breathing…okay."

"Okay," Jo agreed.

The nurse walked towards the door, "The anesthesiologist will be here soon to begin administering meds for the surgery. Just hang on a while longer…" She walked out the door.

Kyle sat back beside Jo's bed and watched as she tried to follow the nurse's instructions to breathe deeply. "I'm sorry," he quivered. "I should've been here more. I don't know why I haven't been…"

"It's okay," Jo sighed. "I don't need you to take care of me…"

"Jo…I know we've had some problems," Kyle said seriously. "I know I work too much and we fight a lot. But baby…I love you. You know that. I should've been here, but seeing you like this…I just couldn't face it. I'm so sorry…"

"Kyle," Jo's voice continued to shake, "Are you going to be able to handle this? I am not going to be better for a long time. I might have HIV. I could lose part of my face from this surgery." She started to sob and couldn't stop no matter how hard she tried, "My back is so bad…what if I have spinal damage and can't walk very well? If you can't handle this…I don't think I want you here."

"Jo," Kyle's eyes widened, "I know you are going to be okay. I love you…you have to be okay."

"Can you love me if I'm not okay?" Jo asked seriously. "Because I don't think I am okay…in a lot of ways. I can't even explain this to you…but I need to be with people who can love me for who I am now. I don't blame you for not loving me anymore…I hate myself too…but I can't face you knowing you are disgusted by me as well."

"I love you Jo," Kyle promised. "No matter what…that's not going to change baby…I promise."

The anesthesiologist walked into the room and cut their conversation short, "Hello," he shook Kyle's hand and looked at Jo. "What do you say we get this show on the road," he said cheerfully. "You look like you're ready to get this over with."

"I am," Jo cried. "I definitely am."

Two nurses entered the room and began to wheel her hospital bed out of the room. Kyle watched and didn't know what he should say. "I'll be here when you wake up," he called to his wife as they pushed her down the hall. "You're going to be okay."

Jo didn't answer. She knew he thought he loved her, but deep down she wondered if he really understood true love. Maybe she didn't understand it either. Maybe that was why they had ended up together. She closed her eyes and waited for the anesthesia to take effect. She prayed she would wake up feeling like her old self.


	18. Chapter 18

"How long does the surgery take?" Dorothy asked nervously. "I'm so worried. I just want to hear something."

"I know," Natalie agreed. She looked at her hands and sighed, "I've chewed my nails down to the nubs." She looked anxiously at Blair who had been sitting silently, "The surgeon said he could fix things…right? She's going to be back to normal?"

Jo had asked her not to mention to anyone what could happen if her body rejected the synthetic bone implanted in her face. She didn't want her friends to worry needlessly, but Blair was worried and she wished the others could worry with her. "He said she'll look great," she said without emotion.

"Where is Kyle?" Dorothy asked. "Isn't he going to be here when she comes out of surgery?"

"He said he needed to get out of here for a while," Blair answered. "He said hospitals give him the creeps. I think he was just too worried to sit around here with us and wait."

"Do you think Jo and Kyle are having problems?" Natalie asked. "We've barely seen him since we've been here, and I would think he would be up here all the time. He doesn't seem to be very involved in her recovery."

"It's not our business," Blair's voice was harsh.

"Nat's just worried about Jo," Dorothy defended her friend. "Jo doesn't need to be worried about where her husband is while she's going through all of this. It can't be good for her."

"Jo's fine," Blair assured them. "Any problems she and Kyle are having they can work through once she gets home. That's what they need to focus on right now."

Suddenly the door burst open and Rick rushed into the room. He looked at the surprised faces on his ex-wife's best friends and realized he probably appeared to be more anxious than he was. He had heard from Kyle that Jo was in surgery and he knew he needed to get to the hospital, but now he wondered if it had been a good idea. He appeared too anxious, too involved, and it would give them the wrong impression. "Hey…" he said softly. He could feel Blair's glare burning through him. "Any news yet?"

"Not yet," Dorothy answered. "We're waiting."

Natalie stood up and gave him a hug, "It's been a long time," she smiled. "How have you been? I'm sure Jo would be happy to know you're here." She had always liked Rick, wished he and Jo had resolved their problems in their marriage and stayed together. She felt like Rick had been good for Jo, made her happy during the good times. Ever since they had divorced she had been focused on the doom and gloom of police work, and even though Natalie was sure Jo loved Kyle…she never saw the spark between them that she had seen with Jo and Rick.

"I've been okay Nat," Rick forced a smile and sat down in a chair. He looked at Blair, fixing his eyes on hers, "Kyle called me. He said I should come."

"Of course he did," Blair said with spite.

Dorothy and Natalie looked surprised by Blair's hatefulness. Obviously she had some disdain for him after what had happened with him and Jo, but what she was showing now was pure hatred and there didn't seem to be a basis for that. "I'm going to the cafeteria," Dorothy stood from her seat. "I want coffee. Come with me Nat…we'll bring back some for everyone."

"Sure," Natalie agreed, anxious to get away from looming battle. She walked to the door and gave one look back as she and Dorothy exited the room. Blair was still staring at Rick, nothing but hatred in her eyes.

"So…you scared off your friends," Rick's voice was sarcastic. "You have something you want to say to me or are you just going to keep shooting daggers with your eyes?"

"You're lucky I don't have a real dagger," Blair spit the words out hatefully. "You need to leave. You don't need to be here."

"I want to check on Jo," Rick insisted. "You may hate me, but Jo doesn't. We are friends. She wants me here."

"Don't give me that crap!" Blair yelled. "I know why you are hanging around here…trying to weasel your way back into her life. You know she and Kyle are having problems and you want to make her fall for you all over again. You've always been like that Rick. You can't let her go."

"Kyle is my friend," Rick argued. "I would never do that to him. I know he and Jo are having problems…but I'm not coming between them. I wouldn't do that. But Jo is the mother of my child and I have to know she is okay. I can't just sit around and wait for her to die!"

Blair's eyes widened, "The mother of your child?" she asked. "Are you listening to yourself? Do you know how lucky you are that no one else is in here right now?"

"I didn't mean it that way," Rick tried to explain, but deep down he knew Blair had a point. He had been spending so much time with Jamie lately that he had let himself start to feel like her father again. And no matter who had given birth to her, Jo was her mother. He was looking at Jamie as their daughter, not Kyle's.

"Hanging around all the time, spending so much time with Jamie," Blair's voice shook and she was on the verge of tears. "You are going to ruin everything. We are all going to be in a lot of trouble. Jo could lose Jamie…lose Kyle…do you want to do that to her?"

"No," Rick cleared his throat. He looked at Blair and his voice was sincere, "I love Jamie. But I know Jo and Kyle are her parents. I made that decision a long time ago. I am not going to come between them."

"Why do you think Jo and Kyle have been having problems?" Blair asked.

"I don't know," Rick admitted. "Jo says he works all the time and never spends time with them. She said she saw a lawyer, but decided to try to make things work. I know they want to have a baby, and she's been upset that he won't see a specialist…"

"Oh my gosh…" Blair said in frustration. "Are you listening to yourself? You are her ex-husband and you know every little detail of her life."

"We're friends Blair," Rick sighed. "Friends talk to each other."

"You two are never going to just be friends Rick," Blair argued. "You love her…everyone knows it. She knows it…whether she wants to admit it or not. You are the reason they are having problems and none of you even realize it."

The door opened and Kyle walked in slowly. He had been walking around the hospital grounds, trying to make sense out of all that had happened over the past few weeks. None of it made sense, even after the walk. His wife didn't deserve this. He hated himself for not protecting her, even though he hadn't been there when it happened. "Any news?" he asked.

"Not yet," Blair shook her head. "Hopefully soon."

Kyle sat next to Rick. "Did Mrs. G get Jamie to school okay?" he asked.

"She was taking her when I left to come up here," Rick answered. "Jamie didn't want to go to school obviously…but Mrs. G convinced her. That woman is a miracle worker."

"Yes she is," Kyle agreed. "She made us dinner the past few nights and Jamie is finally eating again. I just hope Jo can come home soon. Jamie and I don't have the connection she and Jo have. She needs her mother."

"Yeah," Rick agreed. "But she needs you too. You're her Dad and she loves you."

Blair watched the two men talking and part of her wished she could trust Rick. Obviously he was a good friend to Kyle and Jo. He wanted them to be happy, or at least he tried to convince himself that he did. But she still couldn't trust him. She was afraid he was going to slip up, reveal information that should remain private, cause trouble for everyone. Jo already had too much to deal with. She didn't need anything more.


	19. Chapter 19

The room was buzzing, people were moving all around and touching her. Jo opened her eyes, instantly afraid remembering the same ordeal a few weeks earlier. It took a moment before she remembered the surgery, her face was hopefully fixed. Suddenly she realized she could not feel her face at all. She wanted to lift her hands and try to touch it, but her arms were still too limp and sore. "Hello…" she whispered her voice barely audible. "Who's there?"

A nurse walked over to her bed and smiled. Jo opened and closed her eyes, trying to focus on the woman. "You did great," the nurse said gently. "You're in recovery. How are you feeling?"

"I don't know," Jo said honestly. "I can't feel my face at all."

"That's because of the anesthesia," the nurse explained. "Once it wears off you'll be sore, but you should feel normal again. How's your back feeling? The doctor asked me to give you some pain medicine for it before you woke up since you were in such agony before the surgery. Is it any better?"

"I think so…thanks," Jo moaned. "I'm sleepy."

"We need you to stay awake now," the nurse insisted. "We need to make sure you are recovering well so you can go back to your own room."

"Okay…" Jo's voice trailed off. She was too tired to think straight, even though she knew the nurse wanted her to stay awake.

"If you can stay awake I'll go get your husband and let him sit in here with you," the nurse offered. "He'll be glad to know you are awake."

"Sure," Jo gave a breathy sigh. "I want to see him."

The nurse left and came back a few minutes later with Kyle trailing behind her. He sat next to Jo's bed and watched her. Her eyes were closed, her face bandaged even more than before the surgery, but at least now there seemed to be a recognizable shape to the bandages. "Jo…" he said softly. "Babe…are you awake?"

Jo opened her eyes, "Yeah…" she sighed. "I'm glad you're here."

"Of course I'm here," Kyle answered. "How are you doing?"

"I feel tired," Jo admitted. "Like I can't keep my eyes open."

"It's from the anesthesia," the nurse offered an explanation. "It will wear off in a while."

"How's your back?" Kyle asked nervously. He had never seen her in as much pain as she had been before the surgery and he was frightened to see her in that much pain again.

"Better," Jo replied. "They gave me pain medication for it."

"Good," Kyle grabbed her hand. Jo's grasp was weak, but Kyle held tight. "I love you babe…you're going to get better and we can put this all behind us. Things are going to be okay…I promise."

"I hope so," Jo felt her eyes well up with tears. She wanted more than anything to put the whole ordeal behind her, but she wasn't sure how to do it. The fear and agony burning deep in her soul was much worse than any physical pain she felt from her injuries. She didn't know how to begin healing herself emotionally. Maybe she should just ignore the feelings and move on, but she wasn't sure how long she could actually do that. Life seemed so uncertain. She felt Kyle's grasp tighten and tried to squeeze his hand even though her own grip was weak, "I love you too," she whispered.


	20. Chapter 20

The next few days were a blur, but by the end of the week Jo was actually feeling much better. Her face was sore, but she could feel it. She could open and close her mouth and a physical therapist had been called in to help her work on retraining her facial muscles. Dr. Renaldi seemed very impressed with the results. Although she knew she was black and blue, Jo was anxious to see for herself what she looked like.

"You need to remain bandaged for at least another week," Dr. Renaldi said as he examined her face. "But I can let you take a look if you want."

Jo wanted to more than anything, but she was also afraid. What if she didn't recognize herself? What if the changes were more than she could ever have imagined? She knew she needed to be strong, face this head on. "I want to see," she said softly.

"Okay," the doctor smiled. He held a small mirror up to her face and Jo took a deep breath. She stared in the mirror, not saying anything at all. "You are very bruised," the doctor reminded her. "But the results are magnificent."

Jo swallowed and let out a sigh. She looked horrible, but the doctor was right. It was mostly bruising. It still frightened her and she wondered how bad it had been before. She was glad she hadn't seen the before pictures. "When will the bruising go away?" she asked and could hear the tears in her words. She didn't want to cry. She was grateful and she didn't want to seem otherwise.

"A couple of weeks," the doctor replied as he replaced her bandages. "Next week we will take off the bandages and then your bruises will heal more quickly. I promise, you will look great. Don't worry."

"Thanks," Jo let a tear slide down her cheek. "Thanks for everything."

The doctor nodded and walked out of the room leaving her all alone. Jo hated to admit it, but she wanted someone to be there with her. She wondered where Blair had disappeared to. She spent most of her time at the hospital. Jo knew she should encourage her friend to go home, but she couldn't bear the thought of saying good-bye to her. Natalie and Dorothy had flown back home the day after her surgery. Natalie had an assignment overseas and Dorothy was working on reopening the Peekskill Playhouse and needed to be there to supervise renovations. Mrs. Garrett had been there to see her every day, but she was also taking care of Jamie and so her time was limited. Kyle was recording on a new album and it took up most of his days and nights. Rick hadn't been around since the day of her surgery, and while she thought it was odd, she was also relieved. He had scared her when he suggested they open up and tell the truth about Jamie.

"Knock…knock…" Blair's cheerful voice echoed as she walked in the room. "You were sitting here missing me…right?" she asked playfully.

"Actually…" Jo smiled. "I was wondering where you were? It's kind of lonely up here."

Blair sat next to the bed and looked at her friend, "How are you feeling today? Better?"

"Yeah," Jo answered. "Dr. Renaldi was here and he let me see my face. It was…" her voice broke off as she started to cry.

"Oh…don't cry," Blair grabbed her hand and held it tight. "It's okay. You just look bruised is all…believe me, I've seen my mother look the same way after many a facelift. You'll look great in no time."

Jo laughed a little, "Thanks…it's just," she sighed. "It was really bad…wasn't it? Worse than I thought?"

Blair nodded slowly, "It was bad. But now you're fine. Everything is okay now."

"I guess…" Jo answered.

"Is something else wrong?" Blair asked nervously. "Is it your back? Is it bothering you?"

"Not really," Jo sighed. "It hurts, but that's normal. My doctor says the wounds are healing well. Most of the pain is from the skin tightening around the wounds and from muscle and nerve damage. They've cut down my pain meds a lot. I still have those phantom pains sometimes though and they are awful, but they don't happen every day. I'm okay."

"Why do you look so sad then?" Blair asked.

"I hate it up here," Jo started to cry and couldn't hold back the tears that were staining her bandages. "I want to go home. They still won't let me eat anything and I swear I am starving to death up here. I am sick to my stomach all the time and I know if they would just let me eat a little bit that I would feel better. Feeding me through the IV is not working."

"So, you're sad because you're hungry?" Blair asked with a chuckle.

"That's not the only thing," Jo insisted. "I want to be home with Jamie. I want to see her and not just talk on the phone every night. I want to hug her and make her dinner and help her with her homework. I miss her."

"I know you miss her," Blair said gently. "She misses you too. She wants to see you. Maybe it's time?"

"I don't want to scare her," Jo cried.

"You look a lot better," Blair promised. "I think it would be okay. She may be scared, but at least she can touch you and know for herself that you are getting better. She's still scared of losing you."

"I'll think about it," Jo agreed. "It would be nice to see her. It's lonely up here." She looked at Blair and asked, "Have you seen Rick? He hasn't been up here and I was just wondering…"

"Jo," Blair interrupted without even letting her finish. "I think it is better for him to stay away from here."

"Why?" Jo asked confused. "He's my friend."

"He is not your friend," Blair insisted. "He's your ex-husband." She lowered her voice to a whisper, "And he's Jamie's father…you can't let him get involved in your life again or Kyle is going to find out."

Jo felt uneasy. She had turned to Blair for help back then because she was the only person who had the money to help her, but she'd always hated that she had involved her in that mess. "You should just forget about that," Jo insisted. "Rick's not going to say anything."

"Not on purpose," Blair argued. "But I've seen how he is with you and with Jamie. He loves you both and Kyle is going to pick up on it eventually. You have to be careful."

"Excuse me…" the nurse's bubbly voice interrupted their serious conversation. "Sorry to barge in like this," she apologized. "But I need to take some blood."

Jo cringed at the needle going into her arm. "What is this for?" she asked.

The nurse's face saddened, "It's been a month sweetie. We have to retest for HIV."

"Oh…right," Jo's voice quivered. She had tried to forget about it. "When will the doctor have the results?"

"Soon," the nurse answered. "Maybe tomorrow. Don't you worry about it though. Remember, it is probably negative." She placed the vials of blood in a container and left the room. Jo continued to cry, unable to stop. She didn't want to die and no matter how many times the nurse told her not to worry the fear overwhelmed her.

"Shhhhh…" Blair put her arms carefully around her. "It's okay. You're going to be fine."

"I don't want to die," Jo sobbed. "Not from AIDS. I just can't face that."

Blair felt her own tears streaming down her cheeks. "You are not dying," she insisted. "You heard the nurse. It's probably negative. And even if it's not, you've been treated right from the beginning. Some people have HIV and never develop AIDS. You can still be okay. You're strong. You can get through this Jo."

"I don't think I'm very strong anymore," Jo admitted.

Blair sighed and squeezed her hand, "Then we'll all be strong for you."


	21. Chapter 21

Rick stood in the entryway of the hospital. He needed to go up and talk to Jo, but something was keeping him from doing it. He had been thinking all week about Blair's words the day of the surgery and he knew she was right. Jo didn't need him complicating her life. That was why he had come, to tell her good-bye and move on. But for some reason he couldn't make himself go up to her room and face her.

He walked into the small waiting room inside the doorway. It was empty but the TV in the corner was blaring cartoons. Toys were strewn all over the room so obviously young children had been waiting there sometime before him. He picked up a small brown teddy bear that was lying on one of the chairs and sat down. He looked at the stuffed animal and his feelings were bittersweet. He remembered buying Jamie her own stuffed bear when she was just a few weeks old and although it didn't really look like this one he couldn't help but think about it. Jamie loved her teddy bear; wouldn't sleep without it. When they lost custody of her Jo insisted on packing it with her things. He hadn't wanted to give April anything, determined that they would get the little girl back but Jo, as heartbroken and distraught as she was knew to put Jamie first. She said they couldn't let their little girl go to a strange place without something familiar. He sat the bear in the chair next to him and wondered whatever happened to Jamie's teddy bear. April probably lost it somewhere or threw it out just to spite him.

Rick closed his eyes and thought back to the day Jo had called to tell him she had found Jamie. They had been divorced for a long time, and she was already remarried to Kyle. He had moved to LA, just to get away from them. He was happy that Jo had found someone to make her happy, but he couldn't pretend that it didn't hurt. Still he knew he deserved the pain he was suffering after all he had put her through. When he picked up the phone that day he could hear the urgency in her voice.

"Rick," she'd shouted and her voice shook. "I found her." He almost asked who she was talking about but within seconds realization hit, but before he could speak Jo was shouting and crying. "She was on the streets Rick. She was so cold and alone. April is so strung out, she's not taking care of her. Our poor little girl…"

Rick couldn't find his voice. He wanted to ask so many questions; wanted to calm Jo down, but he couldn't. He just stood there, listening while Jo sobbed into the phone line, wondering what was going to happen next. "Where is she?" he finally sputtered.

"April's in jail," Jo said spitefully. "Where she belongs." Her voice softened and she sniffled trying to control her tears, "Jamie is at social services. I had to take her there…I had no choice. I wanted to bring her home, but…"

"It's okay," Rick pulled himself together and tried to calm her down. "She's safe there."

"I want her back," Jo cried. "I love her."

"What about April?" Rick asked. "Is this jail thing permanent or is she getting out soon? She'll never give her back to us Jo…you know that."

"I don't care what April wants," Jo screamed. "She isn't taking care of her. She's too busy worrying about how to score her next fix. She'll probably be out of jail in a few days, but she's not getting Jamie back. Social services won't let that happen."

"What are they going to do with Jamie?" Rick asked. "Where is she going to live?"

"They'll put her in foster care unless we do something," Jo said seriously. "We can do something though. We can get her back."

"How?" Rick asked. "We aren't even married anymore…have you forgotten you have a husband at home who probably doesn't want to take in my illegitimate daughter?"

"I told Kyle I found a little girl on the streets and I want to bring her home. I told him I want to be her foster parents," Jo explained. "He said okay."

"He did?" Rick asked. It didn't seem like something Kyle would say, but he did care about Jo and she could be pretty convincing. "Even so, it takes time to become a foster parent Jo. It doesn't just happen overnight."

"I know that," Jo insisted. "But I'm a cop and I can convince Kyle that my job made it easier for us to get approved. All I need is for you to help me."

"You want to lie to Kyle and you want me to help you?" Rick asked. "I don't know if I can do that."

"Rick…this is for Jamie," Jo pleaded. "Please…we have to help her."

"What do you want me to do?" Rick asked nervously.

Jo took a deep breath and Rick could tell she had planned out exactly what she was going to say to him. He wasn't sure what to expect. "You are her father," Jo began. "I still have her birth certificate. It's packed away with some other important papers. If you take it to social services, tell them you've been searching for her all these years, you can have them check the court records. They'll see the judge ordered visitation and that April fled with her. They'll give her to you Rick…they'll have to. April is unfit and they aren't giving Jamie to her. They'd rather give her to her father than put her in foster care."

"So I get her back," Rick said quickly, "you really think Kyle is going to want us sharing a child together? He's going to say Jamie's my responsibility. And he'd be right. She is my daughter and I should do what I can to take care of her."

"No," Jo cried. "Rick, you know I love her. I've felt like a part of heart was missing all these years. I want her back. I need her with me."

"Jo…Kyle is never going to agree to you raising my daughter," Rick insisted.

"I don't think we should tell him," Jo admitted. "You get Jamie from Social Services and bring her to me. Then I'll take her home and tell Kyle we are going to be her foster parents. He doesn't have to know."

Rick didn't know what to say. If he agreed, he would be giving up his child and he had already lost her once. But so had Jo and she was an amazing mother and deserved to have her daughter back. He felt like Jo and Jamie were both innocent victims of his irresponsibility, his impulsiveness. Maybe he owed this to them. "I love her too Jo," he said sadly. "I'm not sure I can just give her up."

Jo didn't speak for a long time. Rick could hear her breathing deeply and he knew she was trying not to cry even harder. "You didn't see her," Jo said softly. "She needs me. I'm her mother."

"What happens if April gets clean?" Rick asked. "What if she wants her back again?"

"I'm going to make sure that never happens," Jo said with hatred. "I know the right people to put her away if it comes to that. She will never see Jamie again. I'm keeping her," Jo's voice had a fury he hadn't ever heard from her before. "She's my daughter…"

"You can't just take someone else's child Jo," he had tried to talk some sense into her, but Jo wouldn't listen. "Her mother has rights."

"Her mother's a junkie," Jo argued. "You didn't see that poor baby huddled in that back alley Rick. She was in pain, physical pain from not eating for days and emotional pain from not being loved. Her mother doesn't care about her. She'd trade her for a gram of Cocaine, I'd bet my life on it."

"Jo…you're not serious," Rick couldn't believe his ears. Was she actually considering giving an addict drugs in exchange for a child. "Don't do something stupid."

"Don't you even care about her?" Jo had asked.

"Of course I do," Rick said seriously. "But I can't help you do something so shady. It's wrong and you know it."

"It's not wrong," Jo insisted. "It's what's best for her. Do you want to see her grow up on the streets like that?"

"No," Rick said honestly.

"Then do what I said," Jo's voice was harsh. "I mean it. Don't mess this up Rick."

Rick was brought back to the present when a little boy ran into the room and grabbed the teddy bear from the chair next to him. He smiled instinctively when the child hugged his stuffed friend close to his chest and toddled off to his mother. He wished he could have seen Jamie at that age; watched her grow up. When he had arrived at social services things had gone just the way Jo said they would. After a few days of phone calls and checking records, they led him into a small room where his daughter was waiting for him. He didn't even recognize her. She had been afraid of him and when he left with her she cried and begged for her mother. He knew it wasn't Jo she was crying for, but it was Jo that she needed. They had met that afternoon in the park and Jo played with the little girl and he could see them both falling in love with one another all over again. When he was ready to leave he hugged them both good-bye and that was when Jo mentioned moving to LA. She wondered if he could convince Kyle there was a job for him at the recording studio. She said when she had taken care of everything with April, she would want to move away from New York. He was scared to death of what she was planning, begged her not to do something illegal. Jo just told him not to worry and things would be okay. That had been six years ago and the memory still plagued him. He needed to talk to Jo, needed to find out what had really happened with April. Part of him feared that Jo had killed her, but he knew it was an irrational fear. Still she had obviously planned some way of getting April out of the picture and April had died just a few months after Jamie came to live with Jo and Kyle.

"Please don't let this be something as awful as I fear it is," he whispered. Then he stood up and headed towards the elevator. He had to know once and for all, and when he did he would say good-bye to Jo and leave her to live her life with Kyle and Jamie, no matter how much it hurt.


	22. Chapter 22

"I have good news," the nurse walked over to Jo's bed and smiled.

Jo looked hopefully, "Do you have my test results?" she asked anxiously. "Am I okay?"

"I'm sorry," the nurse said gently. "I don't have your results. The doctor will be in later this afternoon and he should have them. I do have good news though. We're going to let you try to eat something."

"Really?" Jo asked. "I can't believe it. I'm starving."

"I need to raise your bed up and so we can see how you handle being in a sitting position," the nurse said as she let the bed rise slowly. "Tell me if you're in too much pain."

It did hurt and Jo felt a little dizzy moving to an upright position, but she wasn't going to complain. Being able to eat solid food was the first step towards getting her old life back, albeit a small step. "I'm fine," she insisted. "When can I eat?"

"We'll bring it to you in a few minutes," the nurse smiled. She looked up and saw Rick standing at the door, "Oh, you have a visitor. He can watch you eat," she teased. "Or would you rather wait until later for lunch?"

"No way," Jo said quickly. "He can watch me eat. I am starving here." The nurse laughed and walked out of the room. Rick walked over to the bed and sat next to it. Jo smiled, "Hey there stranger," she said with a touch of sarcasm. "I thought you'd disappeared off the face of the earth or something. Where have you been?"

"Busy," Rick lied. "With work and stuff. How are you doing? I can't believe you are sitting…does it hurt?"

"I'm fine," Jo answered. "A little dizzy, but otherwise okay. They are going to let me eat lunch so there is no way I am complaining. I haven't had solid food in a month."

"They've been feeding you through the IV though," Rick reminded her.

"It is not the same thing," Jo said quickly. "My stomach is so empty it aches. I really want a cheeseburger."

Rick laughed, "Well we'll have to see what's on the menu I guess." He sighed, "Jo…I wanted to talk to you about Jamie."

"I know," Jo was sure she knew where he was going with this. She knew Blair had been trying to protect her, but she needed Rick to know that she wanted him in their lives. "Don't listen to Blair…she thinks she's helping, but…"

"This isn't about Blair," Rick interrupted. "It's about us…about the past…I need to know what happened back then."

"You do know," Jo insisted.

Before they could continue the nurse walked back in with a tray from the cafeteria, "Lunch time," she smiled. She took the lid off the tray and Jo stared a colorless bowl of soup. "Are you ready to try your first bite?"

"This is hardly what I would call solid food," Jo said with disappointment. "I don't think you realize how hungry I am right now."

"We need to start with something light," the nurse said sympathetically. "Otherwise you could get really sick." She handed Jo the spoon and recognized that her arms were still very weak as she tried to lift the spoon to the bowl. "Do you want some help?" she asked.

"No," Jo insisted. "I can do it." She carefully put the spoon in the bowl and her arms shook as she lifted it to her mouth, dripping most of the soup off the spoon. She sipped what was left and sighed, "I have to figure out how to get my strength back."

"It'll happen," the nurse said gently. The she grabbed a pink tub and sat in next to Jo on the bed, "Just in case the soup doesn't settle well," she patted her arm. "Don't be scared if you get sick…it's normal." Then she looked at Rick, "Buzz me if she needs anything. She's a little stubborn."

Rick laughed, "A little?" he asked. The nurse chuckled and walked out of the room. Rick watched as Jo tried to sip her soup, spilling most of it. "Let me help you," he grabbed the spoon from her and dipped it in the bowl, slowly raising it to her mouth.

Jo swallowed, "I hate feeling helpless," she cried. "I can't even eat soup by myself."

"Don't cry," Rick looked sadly at his ex-wife. He wanted to take her pain away. "You're doing great recovering from all of this. You really are." He helped her take a few more bites.

"I don't want any more," Jo said quickly. "I feel queasy."

"Are you okay?" Rick asked. "Do you need the nurse?"

"No," Jo sighed miserably. "I just need to settle my stomach. I guess she was right about my stomach needing to adjust to food again."

"So you don't want that cheeseburger anymore?" Rick teased.

"Oh God…be quiet before you make me barf," Jo closed her eyes and tried to settle her stomach.

"I'm sorry," Rick said honestly. "Maybe I should let you rest."

There was a knock at the door and Jo opened her eyes to see the doctor standing there, "Sorry to interrupt," he said with a forced smile. "Is this a bad time?"

"No," Jo said quickly. "Come in. Do you have my results?"

The doctor walked over to the bed and looked sadly at Rick, "Could I have some time alone with Jo please?" he asked.

"Sure," Rick looked at her and smiled, "I'll see you later."

"No," Jo exclaimed. "Stay…please." She looked pleadingly at the doctor, "Can he stay?" she felt herself shake and the tears were already forming. She could tell from the doctor's face that the news was bad, and she didn't want to be alone when she heard it.

"I think we should discuss this privately," the doctor insisted.

"No…I want him to stay," Jo sobbed. "Please…"

"I'll stay," Rick sat next to Jo and grabbed her hand. He wasn't even sure what results she was waiting to hear, but he knew he had never seen her so afraid. It couldn't be good. "It's okay," he tried to soothe her. "I'm staying."

The doctor sat next to them, his voice soft but stern, "I have the results of your blood test," he began but before he could go on Jo was crying uncontrollably.

"I have HIV," she sobbed. "He tried to kill me and left me there to die. And even though I survived it, he is still going to kill me…" she screamed and Rick was in shock. He didn't know what to think or what to do. He hugged her close to him and tried to soothe her.

"Jo…" the doctor tried to get her attention but she wasn't listening. "Jo…you don't have HIV." He looked her in the eye, "Did you hear me? Your HIV test was negative."

Jo gasped and stared in disbelief, "It was negative?" she asked. "Oh thank God…" she was crying again but this time from the relief of knowing she was going to be okay. "I was so afraid when you wanted to talk alone…I thought you had bad news…"

"Jo…there is more," the doctor said with an intensity that forced Jo into silence. She stared at him, unsure of what to think. He obviously had bad news, but she couldn't imagine what it could be. Maybe she had some other STD, but even so it could be treated. She was going to be fine. The doctor cleared his throat, "You're pregnant," he said sadly.

"What?" Jo gasped. "No…I'm not. My husband and I have been trying for a long time. It's not possible for us…"

Rick looked at her and knew she was in serious denial. He didn't know how to begin to help her. "Jo," he said gently. "You know this isn't Kyle's baby."

"I know it's not," Jo cried. "Because I am not pregnant! It's a mistake. I want the test run again. I'm not pregnant…"

"The test is accurate," the doctor said sadly. "I'm sorry…"

"You're sorry?" Jo yelled. "How dare you stand there and say that to me! Run the test again…take more blood…take all of my blood…but run it again. Damn it!" She was sobbing uncontrollably and couldn't even speak.

Rick held her and whispered, "This is going to be okay. I know it's scary…but you can get through this."

"I can't have that monster's baby," Jo choked on her sobs.

"Jo…I need you to listen to me," the doctor's tone was firm. "This is very serious. We didn't know you were pregnant when you came in because you were not far enough along for it to show up on a test. We couldn't give you the pill to prevent pregnancy that we give to most rape victims because you were unconscious and it is against the law to administer that drug without the woman's consent. But we have been giving you a lot of drugs over the past month, some that should not be taken during pregnancy."

"So the baby is going to be sick?" Jo pulled herself together enough to focus on the doctor's prognosis.

"That's not something we can determine at this point," the doctor said gently. "But what I can say is that in your case, I don't think carrying this baby to term is a responsible choice. You are not physically well enough to endure pregnancy and it will be nearly impossible for you to recover from your back injuries while pregnant. The weight gain alone would make your pain unbearable. And there is a great chance this baby will have birth defects from the medications you've been taking."

"So what are you suggesting?" Rick asked. He knew what the doctor was going to say, and he wondered what Jo's reaction would be. She'd said she couldn't carry her rapist's baby, but aborting it would kill her and he knew it.

"I think termination would be the best thing for everyone," the doctor said honestly.

Jo took a few deep breaths trying to process what he was saying to her. She had wanted a baby for a long time. She couldn't imagine terminating her pregnancy, even if the thought of carrying that child made her ill. "I can't do that…" she let herself cry. She wasn't sobbing anymore because she didn't have the strength, but instead her cry was mournful.

"You need to take some time to think about it," the doctor insisted. "I'll be back later to check on you…okay?" Jo nodded and he left the room.

"Jo…I'm so sorry," Rick felt tears sliding down his own cheeks, but he didn't feel like wiping them away. "Do you want to call Kyle? Ask him to come up here so you two can talk about this?"

"He's going to hate me," Jo cried.

"No," Rick insisted. "Jo, he loves you. This wasn't your fault. The two of you need to decide together what you're going to do."

"Do you think he might want the baby?" Jo asked. "We've been trying for a long time. Maybe it is his after all. Miracles do happen."

"Do you want to keep the baby?" Rick asked. "Is that what you want?"

"I can't abort it," Jo said honestly. "But I'm not sure I can keep it either. I'm afraid I can't love this baby. I'm scared…"

Rick let her cry. He had come there to say good-bye, but now he was sure she needed him to stay. He hoped Kyle's reaction would be loving and supportive, but he was afraid it wouldn't be. What would Jo do then? She had to have someone to help her through this no matter what she decided. "I know you're scared," he whispered. "It's okay to be afraid."


	23. Chapter 23

Kyle stood at the doorway and watched as his wife slept. She looked peaceful, not crying and worried like Rick had said when he called him on the phone. Rick wouldn't tell him what was going on; just that Jo was upset and needed him. He had come as soon as he could, but it had been a few hours. Maybe whatever was bothering her had blown over by now. He looked at his watch. He felt guilty that he hadn't shown up sooner, but he couldn't leave any earlier. He walked over to the bed and sat in the chair next to his wife. Her breathing was steady and he was relieved to see that she appeared to be alright.

He didn't want to wake her up; he knew she needed her rest, but he couldn't sit there all day either. He had to get back to work. "Jo…" he gently tapped her shoulder. "Babe…it's me…wake up." Jo opened her eyes and he could see they were red-rimmed. She had been crying like Rick said and probably not too long ago. "Hey…are you alright? I heard you were a little upset…"

"I'm fine," Jo insisted. "Did Rick call you? I told him not to. He told you didn't he?"

Kyle shook his head, "Told me what?" he asked. He was instantly afraid that something was seriously wrong with his wife. "Babe…are you going to be okay? What's wrong?"

Jo looked sadly at him and tears began to stream down her face, "Kyle…the doctor said…he said I'm pregnant…" she sputtered and let out a wailing cry that shook the silence in the room. "I thought he was going to say I had HIV…but he didn't. I don't know which is worse?"

Kyle didn't know what to say. He just stared at her. He knew he should comfort her, but he didn't know how. He didn't know what she was thinking. Did she want to have this baby? He hoped not because he wasn't sure he could handle that. He felt sick thinking of her carrying Lonvetti's baby. His voice quivered, "Maybe it was a mistake? Doctors make mistakes sometimes…"

"It's not a mistake," Jo sobbed. "What are we going to do?"

"What do you want to do?" Kyle asked nervously. He could tell by the look on her face that she wanted him to say things would be okay, but he couldn't force the words out of his mouth. He didn't believe things would be okay.

"The doctor says I shouldn't have it," Jo cried. "He said it will be dangerous for me because of my other injuries and he said the baby has been exposed to too many drugs from my treatment…"

"Well…there you go," Kyle said matter-of-factly. "We'll do what the doctor says. It's for the best and we won't have to worry about it anymore."

"I don't think I can do it," Jo's voice shook. "I can't abort this baby…"

Kyle shook his head in disbelief, "Are you saying you want to keep it?" he asked. "No. No way…that's not an option Jo, it's just not."

"But I keep thinking that maybe…" Jo had to catch her breath and tried to hold back her tears, "Maybe this is our baby…we've been trying…we hadn't been using birth control at all…it could be…"

"It isn't," Kyle's voice was harsh. "You know it isn't. Don't try to convince me that this baby is mine Jo. That's not fair and you know it."

"I'm not trying to make you think the baby is yours," Jo argued. "But there is a chance. Are you saying you want to risk it…you want me to abort this baby when there is a chance it is ours…after all the years we've tried?"

"It's not mine," Kyle argued. "It's _his_…Lonvetti's. And it makes me sick to think of you carrying a part of him inside you. I just can't face it Jo…you cannot have this baby…"

"But what if it's _ours_?" Jo refused to give up that small possibility. "The nurse told me they can do a paternity test at sixteen weeks with an amnio. We can find out for sure…"

"And when you see that it's not mine?" Kyle asked. "It'll be too late for an abortion and we are _NOT _keeping that baby. Can you give it up for adoption…would you be able to do that?"

"But it might be ours," Jo insisted again. "I've been thinking a lot about it…the dates add up Kyle. Please…"

"It's not mine," Kyle said seriously.

"We don't know that," Jo tried to get him to see her side, but he wouldn't listen.

"I do," Kyle insisted. "I had a vasectomy…years ago, before we even met. That is not my baby." As the words left his mouth he immediately regretted spilling the truth. Jo would never forgive him and he knew it.

Jo wasn't sure she had heard him correctly. She stared at him in disbelief. After all the years they had tried to have a baby, he had known the whole time that it would never happen. Why hadn't he been honest? She would have been able to deal with it. He was the one who went on pretending like he wanted a child with her when he obviously didn't. She didn't even know what to say so she cried out in anger, "What the hell are you trying to say? You knew all this time we couldn't have a baby? You let me think I was letting you down every time I didn't get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Jo," Kyle's voice was stern. "I had my reasons…and I am not ready to talk about them now. Later, when you're feeling better we can discuss it."

"You had your _reasons_?" Jo cringed. "There is nothing that will ever make me forgive you for lying to me like this Kyle. Seven years…God, how could you?"

"I'm sorry I lied," Kyle said quickly. "I should have told you, but I was worried you wouldn't be able to accept it. I thought maybe I could get it reversed or something, but then we adopted Jamie and I thought you were happy."

"I love Jamie; she makes me the happiest person on earth." Jo shook with anger. "But you deceived me…for seven years. Why the hell would you have a vasectomy anyway?" She cried even harder, "I hate you!"

"I know you're angry, but that does not change the fact that this baby is Lonvetti's. He tortured you, attacked you and left you for dead. How can you even consider bringing a part of him into this world?" Kyle closed his eyes. "Jo…I'm sorry you have to go through this…but you cannot have this baby. You know I'm right...in your heart you know it."

"I don't want to keep the baby," Jo sobbed. "But it's a part of me too."

"You have to stop thinking of it that way," Kyle said seriously. "This is just another way Lonvetti is leaving his mark on you. It's disgusting…you don't have to go through this. I won't watch you go through it. The doctor said it is dangerous for you to carry this baby and you said yourself you don't want it. You have to stop thinking of it as a baby anyway…just think of it as another medical procedure you have to get through so you can come home."

"It _is_ a baby Kyle," Jo insisted. "An innocent baby..."

Kyle shook his head, "It's Lonvetti's demon spawn!" his voice spewed in anger. "Do you want to look at Lonvetti's face for the rest of your life? Because I can guarantee you that every time you look at that kid, all you are going to see is the man who raped you."

"Get out!" Jo shouted.

"Jo…" Kyle tried to calm her. "I just want you to face reality…"

"Get out of my room!" she screamed again.

"You need to calm down," Kyle lowered his voice to a whisper. "The nurses are going to come in and think something is wrong."

"Something is wrong," Jo glared. "You've lied to me for seven years. You never wanted a baby with me at all. And now, you want me to get rid of this baby, this part of me, because it is inconvenient for you. I'm scared to death that I won't be able to love this baby…I don't love it…I hate Lonvetti for doing this to me…I don't want to see his face looking back at me EVER! But it's not the baby's fault…this baby is not evil. He could have a good life…maybe make some childless couple really happy. I could give him up for adoption. I don't know what I want to do…but I don't need you telling me to think of this as some other medical procedure…that's not what this is."

"I'm sorry," Kyle said honestly. "But that's how I feel."

"I don't care how you feel," Jo whimpered sadly. "I _needed_ you to care about how I feel...just this once, I _needed_ that from you." She sniffled, "Just leave…I don't want to look at you."

"What's going on in here?" the nurse walked in, shocked by the yelling. "Is everything okay?" she asked, disturbed by the tension in the room.

"Make him leave…" Jo screamed. "I want him out of here…now!"

"You should go," the nurse looked sternly at Kyle.

"I'm leaving," he yelled as he walked towards the door. He looked at Jo and shook his head, "You know what you need to do. I know you're mad now, but once you think about it...stop thinking emotionally and start thinking logically...you'll do what you _need_ to do Jo."

"Get out!" Jo said again.

"Sir," the nurse said again. "Please leave. I don't want to have to call security."

Kyle sighed miserably, "I'm going," he looked at Jo and mumbled, "I won't be back until you come to your senses. Call me when you do."


	24. Chapter 24

Rick parked outside the coffee shop. When Kyle had called him a few minutes earlier he was furious, yelling and screaming in such an incoherent way that Rick couldn't really make out what he was saying. He knew his friend was upset so he suggested they meet for coffee to discuss what was happening and Kyle agreed, but looking around the parking lot Kyle's car was nowhere to be found.

Rick stepped out of the car. It was drizzly, an early February storm not uncommon in the winter months. He remembered when he had lived in New York there would be a foot of snow on the ground this time of year. Sometimes he missed that. Maybe if he decided to leave LA, he would move back east. But for now he had to put the decision to leave on hold. He had to know that Kyle was going to be able to support Jo before he would leave her and Jamie here.

He pushed open the door to the coffee shop and walked to a booth in the corner. A young waitress came over and he ordered coffee for himself and told her a friend was joining him so he'd need a second cup of coffee as well. As the waitress walked back to pour the coffee the door squeaked open and Kyle walked in, shaking the wet drizzle from his coat. He sat at the table across from Rick and he was viably shaken. The waitress returned with the coffee, smiling and asking if they needed anything else. Kyle snapped at her, "No…just leave us alone."

Rick forced a weak smile at the waitress, "Thanks so much," he said softly. "I think we're good for now." The waitress nodded and walked away. Rick looked at Kyle, "What the hell was that about? I know you're upset, but you didn't have to be so hateful to the poor girl."

Kyle shrugged, "Yeah…you're right…I'm sorry. I just can't even think straight. My life is falling apart."

"So, Jo told you?" Rick asked, even though he had known that was why Kyle was upset. Kyle nodded. "What did she say? Has she made up her mind about what to do?"

"She wants to have it…" Kyle sputtered in anger. "How the hell can she even think of having that baby? My God…just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach."

"She's confused," Rick said sadly. "You weren't there when the doctor told her. I have never seen her so upset. She doesn't want this baby, but she feels torn…you have to try to understand that."

"She kept telling me she thought it might be ours," Kyle cleared his throat trying to muffle the sobs that were forming.

"She's in denial," Rick added. "She wants it to be yours so she doesn't feel so hurt by the thought of carrying the baby, but she knows it's not. In her heart, she knows…"

"I made sure she knows," Kyle's voice shook.

Rick looked confused, "What did you do?"

Kyle sighed and lowered his voice, "I told her there is no way the baby is mine because I had a vasectomy before we got married."

"Kyle, why would you tell her something like that when she is already so upset?" Rick asked angrily. "She's dealing with a lot here; she doesn't need your added lies."

"It wasn't a lie," Kyle admitted.

Rick's eyes widened, "You really had a vasectomy?" he asked. "But I thought the two of you had been trying to have a baby for a while?"

"Jo really wanted to have a baby," Kyle explained. "And I didn't have the heart to tell her we couldn't. So I just let her think it would happen if and when God wanted it to happen. I should have told her…I'm not denying that, but that doesn't change anything now."

"Maybe it doesn't change things for you," Rick said bitterly, "but what about her? You've lied to her your whole marriage. And Jo has always wanted to be a mother..."

"She is a mother," Kyle insisted. "She has Jamie. Why do you think I gave in so easily when she wanted to take her in? It was the only way I could give her the child she wanted. And I thought she was happy."

"Jo loves Jamie more than anything," Rick agreed. "But she's gone on for the past seven years thinking eventually she could have a little baby to love and care for and you took that dream away from her Kyle. Why on earth did you have a vasectomy anyway?"

"It's a long story," Kyle sighed. "I'd rather not discuss it."

"I bet Jo didn't let you off that easily," Rick shook his head. "I bet she was furious."

"She kicked me out of her room," Kyle said. "But it wasn't really because of the vasectomy. It was because I told her to have an abortion."

"Kyle you can't just tell her what to do with her own body," Rick cringed. "Couldn't you be a little more supportive?"

"I am not the bad guy here," Kyle yelled. "I'm not the one who attacked her and tried to kill her…the one who raped her and left her there. And she wants to bring her attacker's child into this world! I cannot stand by and let that happen…pretend like its okay with me. I won't do that!"

Rick noticed the other customers staring at them, "Calm down," he whispered. "No one expects you to be okay with this…but Jo deserves better than the way you are treating her right now. She's scared to death. She is still recovering from the physical wounds of her attack, and she hasn't even begun to heal emotionally from what happened to her. Now she has the pregnancy to deal with on top of everything else. She needs to know you will help her through whatever decision she makes."

"I hate that she is hurting like this," Kyle let a few tears slide down his face. "But I don't think I can support her if she chooses to have this baby. If she has the abortion, I will help her through it. I'll hold her, go to therapy with her, let her cry on my shoulder…whatever it takes to get her through it because I know it will be hardest thing she has ever done. But if she has the baby…I just can't…"

"Why not?" Rick asked seriously.

"Because the thought of her carrying that baby…the child of the man who has ruined our lives…it makes me cringe. I hate that baby…maybe that isn't fair, but it's the truth. I don't want a reminder of this tragedy lingering over our heads for the rest of our lives. And even if she gives the baby up for adoption, I'll still have to watch her go through the next nine months carrying that child inside of her and I know I cannot do it. I can't help her get through morning sickness and mood swings and swollen ankles and childbirth, knowing that she is dealing with all of that to bring Lonvetti's child into this world."

"It's not just Lonvetti's child," Rick sipped his coffee and stared seriously across the table. "It's Jo's too. I know how much you love her Kyle…how can you hate that baby so much when you know it is a part of her?"

"Because I can't see past it being _his_…" Kyle said honestly. "He almost killed her…how can I forgive that? How can I even look at her the same way again after what she's been through? And the pregnancy is going to be a constant reminder…I know its wrong…but its how I feel."

"What if she decides to have the baby?" Rick asked. "What are you going to do? Are you going to leave her?"

"I don't know," Kyle closed his eyes and let his tears fall. He didn't want to lose his wife, lose his family…but he couldn't face this either. Rick sat and watched him. There was a part of him that really sympathized with what Kyle was going through because it made him just as sick to think of Jo having to go through all of this. But he also felt angered that Kyle couldn't see past his own fears and support his wife when she needed him. He pitied Kyle for not being smart enough to realize how lucky he was to have Jo, even with all of unexpected trauma they were facing now. The fact that Kyle might actually leave her pregnant, hurt, and alone made Rick want to scream and slap him into reality.

"You better figure out what you're going to do," Rick said as he stood from the booth and put down some money to pay for the coffee. "She deserves better than this…and you know it." He walked out into the drizzly night air.


	25. Chapter 25

Jo woke up the following morning after a restless night. The doctor had changed some of her medications, stopped some all together, and adjusted some of her pain meds in response to her pregnancy. The changes were not settling well, making her tired but unable to sleep, and now she felt nauseous on top of the exhaustion. "I just want to feel normal again," she whispered.

The nurse walked in and smiled, "You're awake bright and early," she secured the blood pressure cuff around her arm and began to write down the reading. "How are you feeling this morning sweetie? Are you in a lot of pain since we adjusted your meds?"

"Some," Jo admitted. "My back is aching, but it's not too bad." She sighed, "The worst thing is this sick feeling. I don't know if it's because I finally started eating solid food yesterday or if it's a side effect of one of the new meds, but I am really nauseous."

"Haven't you been feeling sick to your stomach the past few days?" the nurse asked gently. "It might be a touch of morning sickness."

"I think it's from my meds," Jo knew the nurse was probably right but she refused to admit it. There was no way she was going to let this pregnancy control her life. Especially when she hadn't made up her mind about how to deal with it.

"Okay," the nurse smiled gently. She understood what Jo was going through and wanted to make things as easy as possible for her. "Let's sit you up then," she suggested, "and I'll bring you some soda crackers to settle your stomach." She pushed the button to raise the bed to a sitting position and noticed as Jo cringed in pain at the movement, "Are you alright?" she asked.

Jo let out a deep breath trying to control her pain and nausea, "Yeah…it just hurts to sit. I'm okay though." She closed her eyes and the nurse put a plastic tub in front of her.

"Use this if you get sick sweetie," she patted her shoulder. "I'll be right back."

Jo opened her eyes and stared at the plastic tub. She held her breath and refused to throw up. Then she gently placed her hand on her stomach. "This is so unfair," she cried. After all the years she had wanted to have a baby, why did this have to happen now? Why did it happen this way? She considered herself to be a strong person, but the attack had taken all of her physical strength away and she was pretty sure her emotional strength was gone for good as well. "What am I going to do?" she sobbed.

"What are you going to do about what?" Blair asked as she came through the door. Seeing her friend crying she instantly realized something was wrong and rushed to her side. "What's going on? Are you okay?" Jo couldn't control her nausea any longer and vomited into the tub while Blair watched in disgust. "Oh goodness," Blair tried to be comforting. "You're going to be alright." She rubbed her shoulder while her friend threw up.

The nurse came in and held the tub while Jo tried to stop herself from getting sick. "I'm okay now," Jo sputtered weakly. "I think I'm okay…"

The nurse took the tub away and handed her a drink of water. Jo sipped it slowly. "Do you feel better now?"' the nurse asked and Jo nodded tearfully. She handed her some crackers, "Nibble on these," she suggested, "That should help."

"Thanks," Jo sniffled. "I'm really sorry…"

"Hey," the nurse rubbed her hand gently, "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nibble on the crackers and your stomach should feel better soon, okay?" Jo nodded and the nurse walked out of the room.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Blair asked as she sat back in the chair by the bed. "You don't look good."

"How can you tell through all the bandages?" Jo's voice was sarcastic, and Blair smiled realizing she probably did feel better. Jo took a small bite of one of the crackers and sighed, "I am feeling better, really…"

"Good," Blair said softly. "Other than the vomiting, how are you feeling today?"

"Like I want to die," Jo let the words spill out and wished she hadn't. She knew Blair was going to worry about her and she didn't want that.

"What?" Blair asked nervously. "What's wrong?" She knew the doctors had said Jo could end up very depressed trying to recover from the attack and she had noticed her friend's moods did go up and down but she was scared hearing her talk like this.

"The doctor got my blood test back yesterday," Jo began.

Blair felt herself tense up. She knew Jo had been afraid of getting HIV, but she had been sure the test would be negative. Apparently it hadn't. "Oh Jo…I'm so sorry…you can beat this though. HIV is not necessarily a death sentence anymore, especially with treatment…"

"I don't have HIV," Jo interrupted her. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to make you think that. I know it's scary; I thought the same thing when the doctor came in."

"Then what is it?" Blair asked, relieved that it couldn't be as bad as she thought. "What did he say that has you so upset?"

Jo let her tears fall and mumbled her words through her cries, "He said I'm pregnant…"

Blair stared at her in disbelief. She hadn't expected to hear that at all and she wasn't sure how to react. "Oh no…" she felt tears welling up in her own eyes watching her best friend sob. "What are you going to do?"

Jo shook her head, "I don't know. The doctor thinks I should have an abortion. He said the baby could have birth defects from all the drugs I've been taking and that I might not recover fully from my injuries if I am trying to maintain a pregnancy while I'm recovering. Kyle wants me to have an abortion…he said he's not coming back until I agree to do it."

Blair hugged her as gently as she could without hurting her, and let her cry, "Jo…I know this is a hard decision. What do _you_ want?"

"I don't know," Jo admitted. "I want for this to never have happened."

"I know," Blair tried to soothe her. "But you're going to have to make a decision soon. You know that right? You can't wait much longer."

"I don't want this baby," Jo cried. "I keep trying to think of it as my child, but I can't. It's like Lonvetti violated me and left a part of himself behind." She sobbed, "I know I shouldn't feel that way…it's not the baby's fault. I'm a terrible person…"

"No you're not," Blair insisted. "You are a good person put in a terrible position Jo."

"Kyle doesn't love me anymore. He said he is disgusted to look at me," Jo cried even harder.

"I think you heard him wrong Jo," Blair said gently. "I know he loves you."

"He lied to me," Jo shook. "He had a vasectomy, and he didn't tell me. If I don't have this baby, and Kyle and I stay together, I am never going to be able to have a baby."

Blair didn't think Jo was making sense. She figured she was probably too distraught to think clearly. "Jo…calm down." Blair tried to hold in her own tears. "You have to stop worrying about what Kyle wants and think about what you want. This is about you, not him."

"It's about this baby," Jo sniffled. She gasped as if realization had finally hit her, "I'm gonna have a baby."

"You want to have it?" Blair asked.

"I don't want to have an abortion," Jo said honestly. "But I can't keep this baby either. Kyle doesn't want it and I think I will end up resenting the baby and I would never want to do that."

"Do you think you can give it up for adoption?" Blair asked tearfully. "It's going to be hard."

"I know," Jo said sadly. "But I have to do it."

"We're all going to help you through this," Blair promised.

Jo looked at her best friend and a thought occurred to her. Maybe something good could happen out of all this tragedy. "Blair," she quivered, "Remember when you said that you and Tad wanted to have babies and also adopt?" Blair's eyes widened as she realized what Jo was going to suggest. Jo looked pleadingly at her, "Do you think you could adopt this baby?"

"Jo…" Blair tried to choose her words carefully. She didn't want to hurt her, but she couldn't say yes either. "I don't think that would be a good idea." All sorts of things were running through her mind; the fact that the baby could have birth defects, knowing Jo would always be there and things would seem weird between them, and most of all that in her heart Blair believed Jo would change her mind and decide to keep her baby after all. "I just don't think this is the time for you to start looking for adoptive parents…give it some time."

Jo nodded sadly. She was hurt, but she knew Blair was right, "I'm sorry I asked. I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that."

"I'm still going to help you through this," Blair held her hand. "It's going to be okay."

"Kyle's going to leave me," Jo said seriously. "He said he wasn't coming back if I chose to have the baby."

"He was just hurt," Blair insisted. "He didn't mean that."

"He meant it," Jo sighed. "He lied to me for seven years about wanting a baby. Now he can't face this. I can't really trust him."

"Did he say why he had a vasectomy?" Blair asked. "It seems odd."

"He wouldn't tell me," Jo closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "No reason will ever be good enough. He shouldn't have lied to me."

Blair squeezed her hand, "You haven't exactly been honest with him all these years either Jo…you know that."

Jo nodded, "I know…maybe this is my punishment for that. I'm going to have to raise Jamie by myself, and have this baby and give it away to strangers…" she started to cry again. "I can't let Jamie find out I'm pregnant…she'll be devastated if she finds out I'm giving the baby away."

Blair wanted to tell her it wouldn't be easy to hide her pregnancy for the whole nine months, but Jo was too upset to bother with obvious details like that. Blair leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, "We're going to work this out…I promise."


	26. Chapter 26

"Jamie, you need to remember that even though your mom wants to see you, she still isn't feeling well," Edna Garrett walked slowly down the hospital corridor. Blair had called her earlier, asking her to bring Jamie up to visit Jo. Edna wasn't sure it was a good idea, but Blair insisted that Jo was okay with it; that she needed to see her daughter now and of course Jamie was anxious to get up there as soon as possible.

"I know she's sick Mrs. Garrett," Jamie said softly. "I know she still has a lot of bandages and stuff, but I promise not to freak out or make her feel worse."

"I know you'll make her feel better," Edna smiled at the girl and peeked her head around the door, "Hello…are you read for a special visitor?"

Jo looked up at her, "Hi Mrs. G…come on in," she said in a tired voice. Blair had left a few minutes earlier to go to the cafeteria and get some lunch so she had been all alone ever since. Jo hated being alone, so seeing Mrs. G. at the door was a welcome treat.

I brought someone to see you," Edna smiled and motioned for Jamie to come into the room. Jo gasped when she saw Jamie standing at the door. The girl stood there, frozen, unable to move towards the bed and Jo could tell she was afraid. Her own daughter was scared of her, frightened by the bandages and machines. It broke her heart. Mrs. G. spoke softly, "Go on sweetheart, see your mom."

Jamie stood there motionless and Jo tried to smile through the bandages, "I look pretty gross huh?" she asked. "It's okay honey…I'm going to be fine."

Jamie smiled weakly when she heard her mother's voice, more at ease knowing it really and truly was her mom lying in the bed. She ran over to the bed and started to cry, "I missed you so much," she sniffled. "Mom…when are you going to be better? I want you to come home."

"I want to come home too baby girl," Jo slowly lifted her arms. "Come here…" the girl leaned over and let her mother hug her loosely. "I love you so much and I miss being home with you…"

Jamie pulled away from her mother's grasp and sat in the chair by her bed, "I was scared…I thought you were going to die…" she began to cry even harder and Edna walked over behind her.

Putting her arms around the girl she spoke gently, "Jamie…calm down. You promised to be brave up here remember," she whispered in her ear, "You're upsetting your mom…"

"No Mrs. G.," Jo's voice shook with sadness. "She's not upsetting me." Jo looked at her daughter, "Sweetie, I know this is scary and I am so sorry for putting you through this. I promise you I am going to be home soon…"

"I keep thinking about the last time I saw you," Jamie continued to cry. "You kissed me good-bye and left big red lip prints on my cheek. I thought it was gross and washed them off. Then I was afraid you were going to die and I had washed away the last thing I had to remember you by."

Jo swallowed the sobs that were forming in her throat. Watching her daughter sitting beside her, so hurt and angry was a wake-up call for her. It was time she stopped feeling sorry for herself and made a conscious effort to get better. "Mrs. G," she asked. "Can you give us some time alone?" Jo asked. "Please…Blair is down in the cafeteria; maybe you two could have lunch or something so I can talk with Jamie…"

Edna looked nervous, "I don't know…" she began.

"Please?" Jo asked again. "I need to talk to Jamie alone." Against her better judgment Edna hugged Jamie and walked out of the room. Jo looked seriously at her daughter, "Jamie…I am sorry for putting you through this sweetie. I promise you I am not going to die."

"Mom…why did you want to be a cop?" Jamie asked, a hint of anger in her tone. "I mean, you knew something like this could happen, and you didn't care. Why didn't you care that you could get killed? Why didn't you care that you might have to leave me forever?"

As much as it hurt to have her daughter talk to her this way, Jo wasn't angry. Jamie had the right to know why her mother had turned her whole world upside down. "Sweetie, I never wanted to leave you. I swear, I never thought anything like this would happen. It was all a big, scary, mistake. I've been in here for a month asking myself the same questions. I'm not even sure I can answer you because I don't really know…"

"Aunt Blair said your surgery went well and you'll look like yourself again soon," Jamie said swiftly.

"Jamie…don't do that," Jo spoke softly. "Don't change the subject just because you think I'm upset." She cleared her throat again, "Honey…I became a cop before your Dad and I adopted you. I did it because I wanted to make a new life for myself after I divorced your Uncle Rick and I wanted to do something exciting. Then I found you and I was grateful to this job because without it you would never have come into my life. Maybe I should have quit after we adopted you, but this job pays good money and has amazing benefits, and I really thought I was smart enough to stay safe. I will never forgive myself for doing this to you…you have every right to be angry at me."

"I'm not mad at you," Jamie leaned over and hugged her mother. "I've just been so scared. Dad said you didn't want to see me and that made me more afraid. I kept picturing you up here dying all alone," Jamie sobbed and Jo forced her limp arms to stroke her long dark hair.

"I've been up here thinking about you too," Jo admitted. "I've missed you more than you can imagine."

Jamie kissed her mother softly. "I love you Mom," she cried.

"I love you too sweetie," Jo sighed. "And I'm proud of you for being so brave during all of this."

Jamie sat back in the chair and stared at her mother, taking in every inch of her body. "Mom…are you in a lot of pain?"

Jo nodded weakly, "Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that. The doctors and nurses are giving me medicine to help and I am getting better." Jo yawned and tried to keep her eyes open.

"Can I sit up here with you?" Jamie asked. "While you sleep. I know you're tired."

"I don't want to sleep while you're here visiting me," Jo sighed. "I want to talk to you. How is school going?" Jo yawned again.

"Fine," Jamie lifted the covers up under her mother's chin. "Go to sleep Mom," she whispered. "I don't mind. When I'm sick you always sit with me while I sleep." Jamie grabbed her mother's hand and squeezed it tight.

"I love you Jamie," Jo started to doze off. "You were the first person I asked about…afterwards…when I woke up here…"

Jamie smiled sadly, "I know that," she squeezed her hand again. "Dad told me." She held her mother's hand while she slowly drifted off to sleep.


	27. Chapter 27

"I don't think I should have left Jamie up there alone with Jo," Edna said nervously as she took a bite of her tuna sandwich. "She was so afraid seeing her mother like that…"

"She'll be okay," Blair insisted. She sipped her diet soda and looked seriously, "Jo really needed to see her and she needed to see Jo too."

"Jamie's been very hurt by all of this," Edna added raising her coffee cup to her lips. "I'm afraid she's going to upset Jo more than she already is." She put down the cup, "I should get back up there and check on them."

"They're fine," Blair said again. "We need to give them some time." She took a bite of her own sandwich and swallowed, staring anxiously at the older woman sitting across from her. "Mrs. Garrett…Jo needs our help now…"

"Oh honey, I know that," Edna reached across the table and squeezed her hand delicately. "She's been through so much and I am afraid there is a long road ahead of her…her physical recovery will be challenge enough, but emotionally…I'm not sure she's ever going to be the same…"

"Mrs. Garrett," Blair interrupted. "She just found out that she's pregnant."

"Oh my…" Edna let her voice trail off. She couldn't believe what Blair was telling her. Jo was already going through so much, why did this have to be thrown at her as well? "Is it…is it…from the rape?"

Blair nodded as tears came to her eyes, "Yes…"

Edna gasped, putting her hand to her mouth to muffle the sound, "Oh no…" she let a few tears slide down her cheeks. "She must be heartbroken…"

"She is," Blair hated to see Mrs. Garrett so upset. She was obviously taking the news very hard. "She said Kyle told her if she didn't have an abortion that he would leave her."

"He did?" Edna asked. She shook her head in disbelief, "How could he do that to her?"

"They've been having a lot of problems Mrs. Garrett, since before any of this happened," Blair explained. "Has Kyle been coming home at night? I know you've been staying at the apartment with Jamie. Has he said anything to you?"

Edna shook her head, "We hardly ever see him. He usually comes in sometime in the afternoon and spends a little time with Jamie, helping her with homework or stuff like that. Then he leaves, usually right after dinner. I know he works odd hours and I figured he was staying up here with Jo."

Blair shook her head, "He's not up here very often. Mrs. Garrett…something is wrong here. I can't put my finger on it, but Kyle is not acting like he cares that his wife is in the hospital fighting for her life, and now that she's pregnant he refuses to be supportive." Blair sighed, "He told Jo he had a vasectomy before they got married. They've been trying for seven years to have a baby. Something isn't right."

Edna shrugged, "I don't know what to think," she said gently. "What do you think is going on?"

"I don't know," Blair admitted. "But I have a bad feeling about all of this. And I've always liked Kyle, but I don't know how he could lie to her all that time about wanting a baby when he obviously knew they couldn't have one. And how could he be so heartless when she is carrying her rapist's child…she needs him to love her, and all he can do is say he doesn't want to look at her." Blair started to cry and couldn't make herself stop, "How can he do that to her Mrs. Garrett?"

"Oh honey," Edna walked over and sat beside her, putting her arms around her, "I don't know why Kyle is acting the way he is, but this really is between him and Jo. All we can do is support her and pray for all of this to work out."

"She wants to have the baby," Blair cried. "The doctor said she shouldn't…because of her injuries. What if this kills her? I don't want to lose her?"

"She has to do what is right for her Blair, you know that," Edna hugged her.

"I told her I was going to help her through this," Blair sniffled. "But I am so scared for her. She said she is going to give the baby up, she asked me to take it…"

"Oh honey," Edna spoke gently. "She shouldn't have put you in that position. I know she didn't mean to upset you like this…"

"She is in serious denial Mrs. Garrett," Blair said quickly. "She thinks she can hide the pregnancy for the next nine months, give the baby up, and just move on. The nurse told me that Jo has pretty bad morning sickness and keeps denying it and saying she is sick from her medication. She refuses to really admit what is happening to her. What's going to happen when one day, out of the blue, reality hits her?"

"I don't know," Edna said honestly. "I really don't. But I know we're all going to there for her. We're going to make sure that baby has a good home…"

"I don't think she's going to want to give it up," Blair said seriously. "Jo has wanted a baby for a long time."

"I'm not sure," Edna admitted. "I know how much she's wanted a baby, but this baby…it's going to be hard for her to get past how this child was conceived. And we can't push her to fall in love with this child…it wouldn't be fair to Jo or the baby. Maybe it would be better if she gave it up."

"I don't like to disagree with you Mrs. Garrett. You know that, but I think you might be wrong about this," Blair wiped her tear-stained cheeks. "Lonvetti took so much from Jo, but maybe this baby is the light amid all this darkness. I have to think that if she is really going to go through the whole pregnancy, risk her own recovery for this child, that a part of her has to really love it."

Edna knew Blair had a point, "Maybe…" she nodded. "Let's get back upstairs," she suggested. The two women cleaned off their table and headed towards the door.


	28. Chapter 28

Jo moaned when she awoke a couple of hours later. She felt sick again, and wondered if she was going to feel this way every time she woke up. She swallowed, trying to ease her nausea, "Jamie…" she whispered. "Sweetie…are you still here?"

"She left," Kyle's voice shook the silence in the room. "Mrs. Garrett and Blair took her home."

Jo opened her eyes and stared at him, "What are you doing here?" she asked bitterly. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"Jo…we have to figure this out," Kyle said. He looked at her and his voice was weak, "I can't stand this…having you hate me so much. I'm sorry…"

Jo took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Kyle…I really don't feel well. I don't want to talk about this now." She closed her eyes and sighed miserably.

"What's wrong?" Kyle asked nervously. "Do you need help? Should I get someone?"

"Just leave me alone," Jo cried. "I don't want you here…please go…"

Kyle stood over her. She looked awful, worse than before. It scared him. "Jo…I know you're mad at me, but I want to help you."

"Help me sit up," Jo gasped and Kyle pushed the button to raise her bed. "Thanks…" Jo whispered. She refused to get sick in front of him. She took another deep breath hoping to settle her stomach.

"Are you gonna be sick?" Kyle asked.

Jo started to cry, unsuccessfully trying to hold in her tears, "It's from my new medicine," she insisted. "But I'm okay. I feel better sitting up…"

The nurse walked in carrying her lunch tray, "Oh…you're already sitting. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm fine," Jo lied. "But I don't want to eat."

The nurse sat the tray in front of her, "You need to eat," she said softly. "You only ate the soda crackers for breakfast. Besides, getting a little something in your stomach can help ease the morning sickness…" She walked out of the room and Jo stared at her tray in disgust.

"Morning sickness…" Kyle said knowingly. "Already? Why did you tell me it was from your meds?"

"It is from my meds," Jo insisted. "The nurse is crazy." She looked at her tray and shook her head, "What are you doing here Kyle? You made it clear last night that you weren't coming back."

"I overreacted last night and I'm sorry," he motioned towards her lunch, "You should eat…"

"I'm not hungry," Jo argued.

"Just eat the jell-o," Kyle suggested. "The nurse said you'd feel better if you ate. Don't you want to feel better?"

Jo's arms shook as she reached for the spoon. She knew she couldn't feed herself and she didn't want to ask Kyle to help her. She wondered if she was ever going to get her strength back. She looked at the jell-o and had to admit it looked good. She had lied when she said she wasn't hungry, but it didn't make any sense that she could be sick to her stomach and hungry at the same time. She stuck the spoon in the green jell-o and pulled it out slowly, dropping most of it on the tray. Then she threw the spoon down, "I told you I'm not hungry," she shouted. "What do you want anyway? Why are you here?"

Kyle was surprised by her outburst and a little unsure of what to say or do. "I want to talk about what we're going to do," he said nervously. "About the baby."

"I know what you want me to do," Jo said angrily. "But I'm not…I'm going to have it because I have to."

"You don't _have_ to," Kyle disagreed. "Jo, you do not have an obligation to bring this child into this world. You don't deserve to have to go through all of this after everything you've already gone through. Babe...think about it. Maybe if you terminate the pregnancy, we can get things back to normal. Don't you want that?"

"Things are never going to be normal for me again Kyle," Jo cried. "Why can't you see that? I was attacked, beaten beyond recognition. I was brutally raped and I don't even remember any of it. I just woke up here feeling like my old life was taken away from me and I don't know how to get it back…" She let herself cry loud and hard. "Jamie feels like I betrayed her. You can't stand to look at me…I can see it in your eyes…you're disgusted by me. I'm disgusted by myself…I hate myself. I can't do anything anymore. I can't even feed myself and you are sitting there judging me…telling me that if I abort this baby my life will go back to normal? How can you sit there and try to pacify me like that?"

"Jo…" Kyle's voice quivered as he realized for the first time that he had no idea what his wife was going through right now. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that. I just want to help you…make things easier for you…"

"I want to have this baby," Jo cried. "I don't want to keep it, I'll give it up for adoption…I just want to give it a chance at life. That's the one thing I _can_ do right now."

Kyle wasn't sure he could be supportive in the way Jo needed him to be. He did not want her to have the baby, but he was beginning to realize her decision had nothing to do with him. It was her way of trying to make peace with what had happened to her, and he had no right to tell her no. "Okay," he cleared his throat and quickly brushed away a tear. "But Jo…what happens when people start asking about the baby? Are you going to tell them what happened to you? Can you face that?"

"I'm not going to tell anyone," Jo said seriously. "I don't want Jamie to know I'm pregnant. I think it would be too hard on her, so I'm going to hide the pregnancy and hopefully no one will be able to tell."

"I don't think you'll be able to hide it," Kyle said honestly. "You're pretty thin Jo, once the baby starts to grow you're going to get bigger and people will be able to tell."

"I'm not going to eat a lot," Jo knew she really wasn't making much sense but she was still clinging to the hope that she could get through the next nine months without revealing her secret. "The doctor said I have to be careful of weight gain because of my back, so I'll be careful not to gain much and I'll wear baggy clothes…it'll be okay."

Kyle nodded, "Okay…" he whispered. He knew there was no way she could hide being pregnant, but he didn't want to make things worse by adding that to her list of stress. As much as he did not want her to have the baby, he had to admit that knowing she wasn't going to keep it made him feel a little better. It still made him sick to think of Lonvetti's child growing inside of his wife, but he could make an effort not to let her know that and once the baby was born, and placed with a loving family, maybe they could begin to heal emotionally. "I think I'm okay with this…as long as you are sure you can give it up."

"I don't want this baby," Jo insisted. "I'm giving it up." Kyle leaned over and tried to kiss her, but Jo pulled away from him. She looked at him and her tone was mournful, "Kyle…I'm not ready to forgive you yet. I want to know about the vasectomy. Why did you lie to me like that?"

Kyle sat back and shook his head, "I didn't want to lose you. I knew the second I first saw you that I wanted to be with you Jo. But when we started getting serious you talked a lot about wanting kids, wanting to be a mom, and I knew I could never give you that." He took her hand and held it tight, "I am so sorry I lied, but I was afraid you wouldn't marry me if you knew. Then after we had been married for a while, I felt like I couldn't tell you or you'd hate me for deceiving you. I wanted to get it reversed, but I was scared to because…you can't have a baby with me Jo…"

"What do you mean?" Jo asked. "You don't want _me_ to have your baby or _you_ don't want a baby? Is that why you had a vasectomy…you never wanted kids and it was your way of guaranteeing you'd never have any? How could you lie about something like that?"

Kyle didn't want to tell her the truth, but he knew he had to. He didn't have a choice. He mustered up the strength to admit to her his reasons for the vasectomy and tried to hold back the tears in his eyes. "I had a son Jo," Kyle began as his tears started to stream down his cheeks. "A long time ago. I was only eighteen, his mom Sarah, was my high school girlfriend…"

"You have a son?" Jo asked in disbelief. "And you didn't tell me…"

"Had…I had a son," Kyle said sadly. "His name was Robbie. He died when he was three days old." Kyle's tears quickly became sobs as he told his secret to his wife. "We didn't know there was anything wrong with him…he was perfect. He weighed almost nine pounds and he had so much dark, curly hair…he was beautiful. The second day at the hospital, the day they were supposed to be released, he seemed weak. He wasn't moving around and kicking his legs like before, and so the doctor ordered some extra tests. They said that his heart wasn't working properly…he couldn't pump blood throughout his body. Within hours he was blue and he couldn't cry…there was nothing they could do."

"Kyle…" Jo cried, "Why didn't you tell me about Robbie? I'm so sorry…you should've told me."

"They said it was my fault he died," Kyle broke down and put his head in his hands. "Mine and Sarah's. Robbie had a genetic defect that came from the two of us. We both carried the gene and so it was inevitable. We killed him…"

"You didn't kill him," Jo said sadly. "It wasn't your fault…"

"It was my fault," Kyle argued. "And as soon as I was old enough that the doctors would let me, I had a vasectomy because I was never going to bring another child into this world who had my defective genes. I was never going to watch another child of mine die like that because of me…never."

"What happened to Robbie's mother?" Jo whimpered.

"She's married now," Kyle wiped away his tears. "I think she has a couple of kids. We broke up pretty quickly after Robbie died…we were young and we couldn't make it work anyway."

"She has kids though," Jo reminded him. "And they are fine…"

"She got lucky," Kyle insisted. "I wasn't going to risk it. I won't risk it now. You have to accept that Jo."

"I do," Jo said sincerely. She reached her hand out and Kyle grabbed it and squeezed it tight, "I wish you had told me though."

"I should have," Kyle agreed.

"I haven't been completely honest with you either Kyle," Jo said slowly. "When I was married to Rick, we had a baby. Well, he did…he cheated on me and had a baby with another woman. She abandoned the baby with us and I loved her with all my heart. She was my daughter." Jo took a deep breath, "Then her birth mother came back and took her away from us. I couldn't handle it and I fell apart…" She wanted to tell him the rest of the story, but looking at his sorrowful face she couldn't. "I just thought you should know that."

"That's why you wanted a baby so badly?" Kyle asked and Jo nodded. He leaned over and kissed her gently. "I'm sorry you lost your baby too Jo," Kyle said sadly. "And Rick was an ass for cheating on you…you know that right…" he said playfully.

"I do know that," Jo forced a smile.

"Do you want me to help you eat your jell-o?" Kyle asked. "You look hungry."

Jo nodded, "Thanks," she whispered.


	29. Chapter 29

The week seemed to drag on. Jo spent most of her days sleeping, trying to adjust to less pain medication and fighting her constant morning sickness. If someone tried to talk to her about the baby, she changed the subject so eventually people stopped asking her. But when she was alone, it was all she could think about. Blair and Mrs. Garrett both made a conscious effort to get her to open up, but she always avoided their questions, and after their heart-to-heart talk when Kyle had told her the truth about his own lost child, he had never come back to the hospital. Jo knew deep down that he was avoiding her, and it was really taking an emotional toll on her. Knowing her husband couldn't face her was a huge weight to bear.

On Friday when Dr. Renaldi removed her bandages she was all alone with the doctor and when she looked in the mirror she burst into tears at the dreadful site. Her face was swollen and purple, her skin still pulled tight towards dark, jagged stitches., "How could he do this to me?" she shouted. "I can't take this anymore…I just can't…" She shook as she dropped the mirror on the bed.

Dr. Renaldi looked at her and spoke gently, "You are going to heal," he assured her. "You've come very far. You haven't had any side-effects from the surgery and now that the bandages are off you will notice the swelling go down and the bruising fade."

"I look like a monster," Jo cried. "And I hate myself for crying about it. I shouldn't care about how I look. I never have before. It's just…I don't even know…I can't figure it out…"

"You have been through a terrible ordeal," Dr. Renaldi understood. "Perhaps these visible scars are easier for you to focus on than your emotional ones. That is why you are taking out your anger now, when it is not really your appearance that is making you angry."

"I don't want to look like this," Jo said sadly. "But maybe you're right. I'm angry about a lot of other things."

"It's okay," the doctor took her hand and squeezed it. "You will look beautiful when everything heals. But you are going to need to work through everything else. There is nothing more I can do to help you. You have to face these other scars…"

"Knock, knock…" Blair's perky voice interrupted their conversation. She walked in the room and stopped quickly at the site of her friend's damaged face. "Wow…" her voice quivered. "The bandages are off? You look…"

"Awful," Jo interjected. "I know." She looked at Dr. Renaldi and managed a slight smile, "Thanks for everything."

The doctor nodded, "I will still be in to check on your stitches and the bruising, but otherwise everything looks great." He shook Blair's hand and left the room.

"You don't look awful," Blair regained her composure. "Really…"

"Don't start that," Jo sighed. "I don't need _you_ lying to me. I know, I've seen my face. It'll be okay though. The doctor thinks I'll look normal in a week or two."

"I didn't mean to react the way I did," Blair said honestly. "It was just a shock to see the bandages off."

"I know," Jo nodded. "And promise me you won't bring Jamie up here for a while. She was upset last time, but this will scare her half to death."

"Okay," Blair agreed as she sat in the chair next to her friend's bed. "How are you feeling today?"

Jo shrugged, "Fine…I guess…in pain, but what else is new." She sighed, "I wonder if I am ever going to be out of pain."

"Is it your back?" Blair asked sympathetically. Jo nodded and Blair looked sadly at her, "Maybe they could give you just a little more pain medicine."

Jo shook her head, "I asked them not to. I'm really worried about it."

"They said some of the pain meds are safe for the baby," Blair reminded her.

"Medicine is never 100% safe for anyone," Jo insisted. "Besides, the new meds make me sick to my stomach and I don't want to take more than I have to."

"Jo…you know you're not getting sick from the meds," Blair said gently. "Why can't you just admit to having morning sickness? It's perfectly normal. It means the baby is healthy…"

"I don't want to talk about this now," Jo shook her head nervously. "I don't even want to think about the baby…please…"

"Jo," Blair rubbed her shoulder softly. "You have to face this eventually. I am really worried about you. All of us are…"

"I said I don't want to talk about it," Jo snipped. "I'm tired and I don't feel well. Maybe you should go and I should take a nap or something." She didn't really want to be alone, but she wasn't ready to start discussing the baby. Even though she had decided to have the baby, she still couldn't face talking about it. A part of her hoped to make it through the next few months without ever discussing it with anyone. Even though she knew that would be impossible, she couldn't help but feel that way. Just thinking about the baby was tearing her up inside, and she knew she would have a meltdown if she tried to verbalize her thoughts. She couldn't let that happen.

"Jo, I have to go back to New York," Blair said softly. Her tone was apologetic because she knew Jo would be upset. She hated to leave her there alone. "I'm really sorry, but Tad needs me to come home for a while. I promise I'll be back as soon as I can…"

"It's okay," Jo swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. "I'm not a child Blair. You don't have to try to console me. I know you have your own life to lead. You should go home. I shouldn't have kept you here this long."

"I want to be here with you," Blair promised. "And I will be back. But Tad does need me at home for a while. It's been a long time."

Jo nodded, "I know you miss him. And the two of you can't really work on having the baby you want when you are on opposite ends of the country. I'll be fine here. It's not your job to babysit me."

"I am not babysitting you," Blair said gently. "I want to be here to help you get through all of this. I know Mrs. Garrett will be up here a lot though while I'm gone. She'll bring Jamie up once your face heals some. And Kyle will be here…"

"Kyle hasn't come to see me in a week," Jo admitted.

"He hasn't?" Blair asked. "But I thought the two of you worked things out?"

"We did," Jo tried not to cry. "He agreed to me not terminating the pregnancy as long as I promised to give the baby up for adoption. I agreed, because I don't plan to keep the baby. But he calls me every day and says he has to work late so he can't make it up here to see me, and I know it isn't true. He can't face me. He's ashamed of me and he doesn't want to look at me."

"I'm sure that is not true," Blair tried to console her. "Jo, he loves you…you know that."

"He loves the person I used to be," Jo let a few tears slide down her cheeks. "And I don't blame him for feeling differently now. He's trying not to let me see it, but I can tell he is really disgusted by what happened to me. He doesn't blame me, but the thought of what happened makes him sick. And the way I look is a constant reminder, and now the pregnancy…I can't blame him."

"You can't blame yourself either," Blair sighed. "Jo, I can't even begin to imagine how hard all of this is on you."

"But that's just it," Jo sniffled. "I don't blame myself for what happened to me. I just don't like the person I am now. And I don't know how to get back to who I used to be."

Blair reached across the bed and hugged her, "I don't want you to feel like this," she cried. "I want to help you. I'm going to call Tad and tell him I can't come right now…"

"No," Jo insisted. "Go home Blair. Please, you need to. I'll be okay. I just need some time to get used to all of this…my life is different, but things change and I just have to get used to it. I'll be alright."

"You will be alright," Blair said softly. "I know that because you are the strongest person I know."

"Can you do me a favor though," Jo asked reluctantly. She almost changed her mind about asking, but then decided to go through with it. "When you get to New York, can you call my parents? Ask them why they won't come and see me, or at least call me." She started to sob and couldn't control her emotions. "Kyle said he called them, but they haven't even tried to contact me. I know we don't have the best relationship, but I thought they'd at least call…"

"I promise you I'll find out what's going on," Blair squeezed her hand and brushed her tears from her puffy, swollen cheeks. "I promise you Jo…there must be a logical explanation for this. Maybe they're trying to get the money together to make the trip. I should've checked before now. I can fly them here…"

Jo shook her head, "I just want to know why I haven't heard from them. I don't want you to bring them here. And please…don't tell them about the…don't tell them I'm…you know…"

"Don't tell them you're pregnant?" Blair asked and Jo nodded sadly. "I won't. Blair hugged her one last time, "I'll be back soon. I promise. Call me if you need anything…anything at all." Jo nodded and watched as her friend left the room. Once Blair was out of the room, Jo let herself cry long and hard. She was all alone and it hurt. She didn't know how to begin to get through everything and she knew she couldn't expect her friends to put their lives on hold just because her life was falling apart.


	30. Chapter 30

A few days later Rick waited outside Jo's hospital room. He wanted to check on her, see how she was doing, but he didn't want to overstep his bounds. He had talked to Mrs. Garrett several times and she kept him up to date on Jo's prognosis, but he had not actually visited her since the day she had begged him to stay with her while the doctor revealed her surprising test results. He hadn't talked to Kyle either since that night at the café, but he knew through Mrs. Garrett that they had decided to give the baby up for adoption. He knew it was going to be hard for Jo, but he figured it was probably the right decision. He just hoped Kyle would man-up and help her through it.

"Are you going in?" a nurse asked as she walked out of Jo's room. "She's awake. I bet she'd like a visitor. It's been kind of lonely up here for her the past few days."

Rick was surprised by the nurse. He didn't know she was in the room so he hadn't expected anyone to come out. He cleared his throat, "Yeah, I was just going in…" He nervously ran his fingers through his hair and walked slowly in the room. Jo was lying in bed, the TV blaring a local news program. She had her hand placed gently on her stomach, and Rick found himself staring at her and wondering what she was thinking about the baby. She moved her hand immediately when she saw him walk in and he knew she was not ready to discuss the baby with anyone. "Hey," he said softly. "How are you doing?"

"I'm okay," Jo's voice sounded weak. She looked at him and sighed, "I haven't seen you in a while. Has work kept you busy too? What's going on up at that recording studio?"

"I've just had a lot of stuff going on," Rick lied. "Not work stuff, just stuff. Why are asking about the studio?"

Jo shrugged, "Kyle's been working non-stop. I haven't seen him in over a week."

"Oh," Rick said knowingly. "He's probably working on the new Back Street Boys album. He told me he played on it over Thanksgiving and they are redoing some parts…"

"You don't have to lie for him," Jo said softly. "I know he's not really working." She sighed, "Do you know where he's been? Be honest with me."

Rick shook his head, "I really don't…I'm sorry."

"Well it's nice to see you," Jo forced a tired smile. "I thought you'd disappeared. I'm sorry about the last time you were here. I shouldn't have fallen apart like that…"

"It wasn't your fault," Rick said sadly as he sat in the chair by her bed. "I don't blame you for falling apart." He paused a moment and then asked sympathetically, "How are you doing now? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Jo insisted then she quickly changed the subject, "Speaking of last time you were here," she cleared her throat. "You told me you came to ask me something…something about Jamie."

"Oh…right…" Rick was uncomfortable. With all Jo was going through she did not need his accusations now. "It was nothing."

"It was something?" Jo said honestly. "You said you needed to know what happened back then, but you already know. I found her and you helped me get her back. So what was your question?"

"Jo…" Rick closed his eyes and sighed, "this is not the time. I don't want to bother you now, with the pregnancy and everything, you don't need the added stress…it's not good for the baby…"

"Jamie is the only child I care about right now," Jo said sadly. "What is this about? Tell me now!"

Rick sighed and looked sadly at her. He had tears in his eyes, "I want to know what happened to April. Jo, I'm sorry…but I have to know the truth."

"You know what happened to her Rick," Jo couldn't believe what she was hearing. "She's dead…she overdosed. What are you getting at?"

"Let's drop it," Rick insisted. "This isn't the right time to discuss it. You're getting worked up and it isn't good…"

"I don't feel like dropping it," Jo said angrily. "What the hell is going on?"

"Did you…" Rick didn't even want to speak the words, but he had no choice now. He had let things escalate and now Jo was not going to let him forget about it. He lowered his voice to a whisper, "Did you _take care_ of things with April?"

"_What_?" Jo asked in disbelief. "Are you accusing me of killing your junkie, skank of a girlfriend? I can't believe this…"

"I just need to know what happened," Rick tried to explain. "In case this ever gets out…the truth about Jamie…you know…"

Jo gasped, all color draining from her face, "Oh my God…you're going to try to take her aren't you? You wanted to tell Kyle the truth and now you want to get Jamie away from me."

"No…Jo…that's not true," Rick tried to explain. "I would never take her away from you. I swear…"

"I don't believe you," Jo shook as the fear overcame her. She could not face losing her daughter…not now after everything else, "How could you do this to me?"

"Jo, I'm not," Rick promised. "I just wanted to know the truth. That was all…"

"You know the truth!" Jo insisted. "God, I should've known I couldn't trust you."

"You _can_ trust me," Rick said gently. "Jo, we almost lost you. It made me think long and hard about what would happen to Jamie if you weren't around. I'm not sure Kyle could raise her on his own, and that made me think a lot about what I gave up so you could have her…"

"So you thought you'd accuse me of _murder_?" Jo asked sarcastically. "Sure, that makes perfect sense…"

"No…I just started thinking about all that happened back then. And I started to think that someday Jamie might have to be told the truth and I'd like to know it myself," Rick sighed. "Jo…these secrets are killing me inside. And I know they are eating away at you too."

"Jamie is all I have left in this world," Jo sobbed. "Don't take her away from me…please…"

"I'm not going to take her away," Rick promised.

"She is all I have to live for," Jo cried.

Rick watched her cry. He knew she was emotionally weak and he never should have mentioned the past right now. "You will always have her Jo…I promise." He grabbed a tissue and dabbed at her tears. "I'm so sorry I brought this up. No matter what, you're her mother and you always will be. I promise."


	31. Chapter 31

"Uncle Rick!" Jamie shouted in excitement when she opened the door later that evening. She hugged him and pulled him into the living room. "What are you doing here? You haven't been around forever."

Rick hugged her and forced a smile, "I've been busy hun," he said less than convincingly. "Is your dad here?"

"He's in the kitchen with Mrs. G," Jamie offered happily. "He's eating dinner and then he has to get back to the studio. I never see him anymore either. You guys must be really busy at the studio…"

"Yeah, it's a madhouse around there," Rick smiled as Jamie chatted to him about school and led him into the kitchen.

Kyle was sitting at the table eating dinner and Mrs. Garrett was sitting with him even though she had obviously finished her meal a while ago. She looked up and smiled as Jamie and Rick entered the room, "Rick, come on in." She stood from the table and gave him a hug. "Do you want some supper? I made pot roast and there is a lot left. You should sit and eat with Kyle before the two of you have to head back to the studio."

Kyle looked pleadingly at him, silently begging him not to rat him out. Rick nodded, "Sure Mrs. G, that'd be great." He sat at the table next to Kyle and Mrs. Garrett brought him a plate. "Thanks," he said softly.

"Well," Mrs. Garrett could tell the two men needed to be alone. She wasn't sure what was up, but the looks on their faces told her privacy was in order. "I promised Jamie we would work on her math homework and then she needs to get to bed. So we'll leave you two alone." She motioned for the girl to follow her.

Jamie kissed Rick on the cheek, "Good night Uncle Rick," she said sweetly. Then she kissed and hugged her father, "Good night Dad…I'll see you tomorrow."

Kyle hugged her tight, "Night James," he kissed her on the cheek. "Sleep tight." Jamie walked out of the room and the two men stared at each other in silence for a moment. Then Kyle spoke anxiously, "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I came to see what is going on with you," Rick admitted. "I just came from the hospital. Jo told me you haven't been there in over a week. Why are you telling her you're working late every night?"

"I can't go up there all the time," Kyle admitted. "I just can't."

"She's your wife," Rick reminded him. "She needs you…"

"I know she's my wife," Kyle said bitterly. "I want to be there for her…I really do, but every time I think about…" he couldn't continue.

"Think about what?" Rick asked.

Kyle was ashamed of himself because he knew he was wrong to feel the way he was feeling, but no matter how hard her tried he couldn't get past it. "Every time I think about her being pregnant…I just don't even want to look at her…"

"Kyle, you know this is not her fault," Rick said sadly. "You have to stop this. She needs you now…she's scared to death and she needs to know you are going to get her through this."

"I told her I was okay with it…her having the baby and giving it up," Kyle answered. "And I was…but I keep imagining her wanting to keep it. I'm scared she's going to get attached to the baby and want to keep it…I will not raise that baby…"

"I don't think she wants to keep it," Rick said gently. "I think she has a lot of mixed up feelings about all of this. But the baby isn't going to be here for several months Kyle and Jo needs you to help her right now…she's sick and hurt. She needs someone to tell her things are going to be okay, someone to hold her hand and comfort her when she's in pain. She is all alone up there…how can you let her face all of this by herself?"

"I wish I could be stronger…I wish I didn't feel sick to my stomach every time I walk into the room," Kyle admitted.

"This is not about you," Rick said firmly. "Kyle…you need to grow up and act like a man. My God…your wife almost died…she needs you! Your family needs you!"

"I know she needs me!" Kyle said angrily. "I don't need a lecture from you. Who the hell do you think you are anyway? You are her ex-husband…EX! She told me what you did to her…she told me how you cheated on her and had a baby with another woman…where the hell is that kid, huh? Why are you so focused on my family when you have one of your own out there to worry about? You're sitting there telling me to be a man and take care of my family…you're a hypocrite and you know it…"

"I have done everything I possibly can to take care of my daughter," Rick argued. "But this is not about me…"

"The hell it's not," Kyle yelled. "You've screwed up your own life and now you think you have the right to run ours…you don't. This is between me and Jo…it has nothing to do with you and I want you to leave us alone!"

"What is going on in here?" Jamie asked as she stood in the doorway. Mrs. Garrett quickly followed after her, anxiously trying to coax the girl back to her room. "Why are you two fighting?" she asked nervously.

"Jamie," Mrs. Garrett said gently, "I'm sure it's just a disagreement. Let's leave them alone to work it out…okay?"

"Why are you yelling?" Jamie asked again. "Is something wrong?"

"No hun," Rick said softly. He looked in Jamie's eyes and it made his heart ache to see the fearful tears forming. "We just had a disagreement. We shouldn't have been yelling…I'm sorry…"

"Yeah James, we're fine," Kyle assured her. "Go on back to your homework so you can get to bed. It's getting late." Jamie reluctantly left the room, followed by Mrs. Garrett. Kyle looked at Rick and lowered his voice, "I'll go see Jo tonight," he promised.

"Good," Rick nodded. "I know she wants to see you."

"She has her bandages off," Kyle added. "She told me she looks like Frankenstein…all the stitches and stuff…"

"She doesn't," Rick promised. "She's healing pretty well. She's still swollen and the stitches are kind of ugly, but she looks like Jo."

"That's good," Kyle stood up and took their plates to the sink.

"I'm gonna go," Rick stood from his chair. "And I won't tell anyone that you haven't really been at work."

"Thanks," Kyle sighed. "I really will try harder to be there for Jo."

Rick nodded, "I'm glad, cause she deserves someone who cares about her. You were right when you said that I'm hypocrite. I was a lousy husband and a terrible father. I hurt her…I just don't want to see her hurt like that ever again."


	32. Chapter 32

Jo was sitting up in bed when Kyle walked through the door. She was staring at the television, but he could tell from the look on her face that she wasn't really watching it. Her mind was obviously somewhere else. He walked in the room and spoke softly, "I'm glad you're still awake," he said. "I was afraid you might be sleeping."

Jo turned and looked at him, surprised he had shown up to see her. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "I thought you had to work tonight?"

Kyle walked over to the bed and kissed her gently, "I wanted to see you," he smiled. "I miss you." He looked at her face and realized Rick was right. Although there was swelling and bruising and the stitches were still visible, she did look like Jo. It was a beautiful sight. "You look great," he smiled. "I can't believe how fast your face is healing from the surgery."

"I'm a mess," Jo insisted. "But the doctor thinks I'll look normal pretty soon." She tried to stretch her arms and sighed, "Now if I can just get the rest of my body to catch up. I'm still so weak."

"Hey," Kyle sat beside her and held her hand, "You're doing great. You'll get your strength back."

"They are going to start my physical therapy soon," Jo told him. "I'm getting better at holding a spoon…I can actually feed myself and not starve to death trying to get the food in my mouth," she laughed a little. "They said I might be able to get out of bed and walk soon…or try to walk. My legs feel like rubber. It's not gonna be easy, but the doctor thinks I'll start walking again eventually."

"How's your back?" Kyle asked with concern. "You're sitting, so that's a good sign."

"My back is okay," Jo answered. "They still need to change the bandages several times a day. The wounds are healing, but slowly. It hurts a lot."

"I'm sorry babe," Kyle squeezed her hand. "Are you on enough pain medicine? Do they need to give you more?"

Jo shook her head, "No…no more medicine. I'm taking enough. I have to get used to it. Even when the stab wounds are completely healed the doctor said I would still have a lot of pain. It's just something I'll have to learn to deal with."

"I hate to see you in so much pain," Kyle kissed her again and brushed her hair away from her face. "It's going to get better…I know it will."

"It will," Jo agreed.

"How have you been feeling?" Kyle asked reluctantly. He cleared his throat. "With the morning sickness and everything? Are you alright?"

Jo could sense his uneasiness. She didn't want to discuss the baby with him anymore than he wanted to listen to her talk about it. She shrugged, "I feel fine." She cleared her throat, "The doctor wants to do an ultrasound tomorrow…to look and see how things are progressing. To see if…if there are any signs of birth defects."

Kyle wasn't sure what to say. "Did you want me to come?" he asked nervously.

"I know you don't want to," Jo said sadly. "It's okay…you don't have to."

"I don't want you to be by yourself," Kyle said sincerely.

"The nurses up here are nice," Jo forced a weak smile. "They've been really supportive. They know I'm not keeping it and they don't make me talk about it. But they try to make me feel better. I know one of them will come with me to the ultrasound. I'm gonna ask the doctor…" she started to cry, but tried her hardest to hold back her tears, "I'm gonna ask him to turn the screen so I can't see it. I don't want to look at it."

Kyle couldn't bear to watch her cry any longer. She was obviously dealing with more emotional pain than he had even imagined. He squeezed her hand and whispered, "I'll be here if you need me Jo. Just because we are not keeping this baby doesn't mean I don't care. I know you are scared…"

"I don't want you to come," Jo admitted. "It will make it harder. You don't want me to have this baby, so having to face you while the doctor is examining it…I don't think I can do that. I'll have to be strong for you and I just don't have enough energy to do that."

Kyle couldn't believe his ears. He was ashamed of himself for making his wife feel like she had to be strong for him after all she had been through, all she was going through. Rick had been right…it was time for him to act like a man and be there for his wife. "Jo, you don't have to worry about me. I'm so sorry you've felt like you had to be strong for me. I am here for you…I want to help you through this."

"I know you want to be here for me," Jo cried. "But I really don't want you to be there for the ultrasound…okay? Please don't come. If something is wrong with this baby, I can't take you being there, knowing you want me to have an abortion…I just want some time to decide on my own what to do."

"Alright," Kyle leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "What about Mrs. Garrett? Maybe she could come? I just don't want you to be alone, especially if the doctor finds something wrong…"

"Okay," Jo nodded and slowly wiped away her tears. "If she can come, that would be okay. I'd like that."

"I'll ask her first thing in the morning," Kyle smiled sadly at his wife. He reached his hand out and let it rest gently on her stomach, "I know this is not our baby Jo," he said sorrowfully. "But that doesn't mean I don't want everything to be okay with the little guy. I know what it's like to have a sick baby…"

Jo put her hand on top of his, "I know you do," she cried. "And I'm really sorry…I wish we didn't have to go through all of this. I wish this hadn't happened."

"Babe, this is not your fault," Kyle held her and let her cry. "I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you. But I don't blame you for this…it's going to be hard, but we will get through it. Things are going to be okay again eventually. Me, you, and Jamie…we're gonna be able to put this past us and everything will be alright. It's just gonna take some time, but we're going to be okay…I promise."

"I hope so," Jo sobbed as he held her and stroked her hair. "Because right now I don't see how anything will ever be okay again."


	33. Chapter 33

"Jo?" Edna walked slowly into the room the following morning. "Are you awake honey?"

"Yeah," Jo opened her eyes and forced a weak smile. "I'm awake Mrs. G. Thanks for coming."

"Oh honey, of course I came," Edna walked to the bed and put her hand gently on Jo's shoulder. "Kyle said you needed someone with you today. I couldn't let you go through this by yourself."

"He offered to come," Jo tried not to cry, but the tears were stinging her eyes. "But I just can't deal with that right now. He isn't handling any this very well, and I don't blame him…but I just can't be strong for him today, you know?"

"Are you going to be alright?" Edna asked seriously. "If you need to break down and cry, you go right ahead. I know this isn't easy."

"Mrs. G, I don't want to cry," Jo said honestly. "I just want this whole thing to be over. I want to know one way or another if this…baby…if it's healthy or not." Jo closed her eyes and sighed in frustration, "What is the matter with me? I can't even say the word baby without cringing…I am a horrible person."

"No honey," Edna gently rubbed her shoulder, "You are not a horrible person. This would be hard for anyone. You are being very brave, bringing this baby into the world after what happened to you, after the way it was conceived. You can only feel what you are feeling, you can't force yourself into feeling otherwise. There is nothing wrong with being detatched from this baby Jo…nothing at all."

"The doctor said there is a chance I could miscarry, because of my other injuries," Jo let a tear slide down her cheek. "Mrs. G…I did something terrible. The other day, I felt really crampy…like something was wrong…and I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them to do anything to save the baby. I wanted to lose it…" She wiped away her tears and stared in disbelief at the words she had spoken.

"Oh honey," Edna put her arms around her and held her close.

"Nothing happened," Jo admitted. "Just the cramps, but one of the nurses mentioned yesterday that cramping is normal. She asked if I had been having any…I told her no."

"Honey, you have to give yourself a break," Edna said gently. "If you lose this baby, it won't be because you wished it to happen. It will be because it's not meant to be right now." She squeezed her hand and held it tight, "And no one blames you for not wanting this baby Jo…no one. Honey, I know I could never do what you are doing. You are the strongest woman I've ever known. You will get through this, but it's not going to be easy. You have every right to feel angry and hurt and to wish things were different."

"Thanks Mrs. G," Jo sniffled and dried her eyed with a tissue.

The nurse walked into the room and noticed how intense things were. She wished she didn't have to interrupt because she had been taking care of Jo for a while, and she knew it was only a matter of time before she broke down and she also knew Jo needed to break down before she could truly come to terms with what was happening to her. "Are you ready?" she asked. "I'm so sorry to interrupt, but the ultrasound room is open and the doctor is ready."

"I'm ready," Jo said as she let out a deep breath. She squeezed Edna's hand as the nurse wheeled her bed out of the room. When they entered the ultrasound room Jo looked at the room with regret. She did not want to be here. All the times she had dreamed of having a baby with Kyle, thinking about the first time they would see their little baby, it was nothing like what she was feeling now. There was no joy in her heart right now, all she could feel was fear. What if she couldn't force herself to turn away from the screen, and saw the baby? What if something turned on inside of her emotionally, and she just fell instantly in love with the baby and couldn't give it up like she had promised? Or worse, what if she felt nothing? The thought of carrying a child she felt nothing for was unbearable. Or what if she hated the baby…wanted it out of her? She didn't want the baby to feel her hatred of him, and how could he not feel it? "I don't want to do this," Jo gasped anxiously.

"Honey, you have to," Edna reminded her. "The doctor needs to make sure everything is okay with the baby."

"I can't do this…" Jo cried. "I can't…"

"It's going to be okay," Edna was nervous because she wasn't sure of what to do. "I'm right here honey. I'll hold your hand…"

"I don't want to see the baby," Jo cried. "Please don't make me…I don't want to do this…"

"Okay," Edna stroked her hair and looked to the nurse for help.

"Jo," the nurse said seriously. "We've talked about this. The doctor can turn the screen away. You don't have to look at the baby. But it's important to check on things now…we need to know how the baby's growing or if there are any concerns."

"I don't want to do this," Jo screamed hysterically and Edna held her. "You can't make me do it…I don't have to consent to this…"

"Jo…calm down honey," Edna looked to the nurse for help, but the nurse didn't have any help to offer. "Sweetie, I know you want to take care of this baby…you can't do that if you don't find out what's going on with his development…"

"I can't do this…" Jo sobbed. "Mrs. G…I can't…I can't…"

"Okay honey," Edna motioned for the nurse. "She doesn't have to do this now. She needs time…"

"Jo," the nurse said seriously, "if the baby had any birth defects, we may not know about them in time to do anything if you don't consent to the ultrasound now. You're already close to eight weeks…this is really important…"

Jo shook her head, "I don't care. I just want to go back to my room. Please?" she pleaded.

"Give us a minute," Edna insisted and the nurse walked out of the room. She kissed Jo gently on the forehead and brushed her hair away from her face, "Jo…you have to calm down now. No one is going to make you do this if you don't want to, but I want you to tell me what is wrong. Are you afraid something is wrong with the baby?" Jo reluctantly shook her head no and Edna looked gently at her, "Then what is it honey? Tell me so I can help you."

"It's going to be real," Jo cried. "All of it…the beating and the rape…I don't remember any of it. But if the doctor uses that machine and he takes pictures of the baby…then it's all real. I'll really be pregnant…I'll know that some crazed monster touched me and beat me and violated me…and I couldn't take care of myself…I couldn't fight back…" she gasped. "I'm gonna be sick…" she moaned as she threw up and Edna had to force herself to remain standing as her body shook with anxiety. She wanted to comfort Jo, but she didn't know how and her own tears were blurring her vision while Jo's screams were deafening. "Get me out of here…" Jo begged. "Please Mrs. G…I have to get out of here now!"

"Okay honey," Edna buzzed for the nurse and looked sadly as Jo continued to scream in emotional pain. The doctor and nurse rushed in the room and tried to calm her down, but Jo continued to scream and fight them until they were forced to resort to a sedative. Edna watched as Jo's body went limp on the table, occasionally spasming with sharp, fast, jolts. Finally Jo closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep and Edna fell back into the chair near her bed and let herself weep. She knew there was nothing more she could do.


	34. Chapter 34

"Oh God…" Jo moaned as her eyes fluttered open. "What…happened…?" She felt weaker than usual, and her arms felt heavy at her sides. She couldn't move and the room seemed to spin around her. She closed her eyes trying to make it stop, and when she opened them again Mrs. Garrett was standing by her side.

"You're okay honey," Edna whispered. "Try to relax."

"I feel funny," Jo mumbled, unable to grasp what was going on.

"The sedative is wearing off," Edna stroked her hair and tried to soothe her. "Give it some time sweetheart. It'll be okay."

Jo took a deep breath, "What happened?" she asked, not fully remembering the morning's events.

"You don't remember?" Edna asked sadly. "You were supposed to have an ultrasound to check on the baby, but you didn't want to do it. You got a little too worked up, so they had to give you something to calm you down."

Hearing those words, Jo's memory of the morning came rushing back to her. She had been so afraid of seeing the baby on the screen, of knowing he was really and truly growing inside of her. She had never been afraid like that before in her life and it scared her to be feeling that way now. "Did they do it?" she asked reluctantly. "Did they look at the…at the baby?"

Edna shook her head, "No honey," she grabbed her hand and held it tight. "They wouldn't do that without your consent."

"I'm sorry…" Jo let a few tears slide down her cheeks.

"Why are you sorry?" Edna asked gently. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I wouldn't let them check on the baby," Jo sniffled. "I should have. There could be something wrong with him and it's my responsibility to make sure he is taken care of. I don't know why I got so scared…"

"Oh honey," Edna wiped away her tears. "You were afraid…you have been through a lot and no one blames you for being scared. You were attacked; you have serious injuries, and now this pregnancy. It is a lot to take in all at once."

"I want to have the ultrasound," Jo said softly. "I made the decision to have this baby. I may not be keeping him, but he deserves to be taken care of while he is inside of me. I owe him that much."

"You keep saying him," Edna smiled. "Do you think it's a boy?"

"I don't know," Jo cried. "I just don't like calling the baby 'it.' Mrs. G., I am afraid to find out too much about this baby…"

"Why honey?" Edna asked softly. She was glad Jo was finally opening up to her, as painful as it was for both of them.

Jo let herself cry harder, "What if I want to keep him?" She sobbed and Edna squeezed her hand. "I can't keep this baby…I'm afraid I will see my attacker's face every time I look at him and I'll hate him. And I can't make Kyle raise this baby. I do not want to keep the baby, but I'm scared if I see it…what if I change my mind?"

"Oh Jo," Edna's voice shook. "Honey…you are going to love this baby. No matter how hard you try not to, it's going to be impossible not to love him. I know this is the hardest thing you are ever going to have to do, and I am so sorry you have to go through it."

"I've been pretending like it didn't happen," Jo admitted. "Even laying here in the hospital all beaten and bandaged…I keep telling myself it is a bad dream. I just know if I see the baby, hear the heartbeat…it's going to be real and I am not going to be able to hold it together anymore."

"You need to fall apart Jo," Edna said seriously. "Honey…you do not have to be strong now. An awful thing happened to you. You should feel angry, you should feel sad, you should feel whatever feelings you need to feel."

"Can you buzz the nurse?" Jo asked weakly. "Tell her I want to do the ultrasound." Edna nodded.


	35. Chapter 35

Jo was uneasy as she lay on the bed in the ultrasound room. The nurse was bustling around her setting up for the ultrasound and the constant movements made her feel even more nervous. Mrs. Garrett was sitting beside her and squeezed her hand, "You're going to be okay," she whispered. "Just feel whatever you need to feel Jo…don't worry about what anyone else thinks."

Jo nodded and let out a deep breath. When she had told the nurse she wanted to have the ultrasound after all she hadn't expected to be taken right away to the ultrasound room, but the nurse told her the doctor was there to see another patient and would like to go ahead and get it done right away. A part of her was glad it was going to be over with, but the other part was scared to death of breaking down and making a scene again. She still felt subdued from the sedative though, so she was pretty sure there was no way she could have an outburst like she had that morning.

"Hi Jo," the doctor said gently as he walked into the room. "Are you feeling a little more sure about this now?"

"I don't know," Jo admitted. "But I know we have to do it. I'll be okay."

The doctor smiled gently, "I will turn the screen if you want me to. Do you want to see the baby?"

"I don't think so," Jo let a tears slide down her cheek. "But if I change my mind…"

"Just let me know," the doctor said sadly. He pulled a blanket up over her legs and hips and then raised her hospital gown above her stomach. "This may hurt a little because of your contusions and abrasions. If it is too painful then let me know."

Edna looked at Jo's body and gasped. Of course she had known Jo was badly beaten. She had seen the damage to her face and the bloody bandages on her back, but the rest of her body had been covered. Now, she could see that dark purple and black bruises covered her stomach and sides and it made her sick. She couldn't fathom the physical pain Jo must be in, but she knew this ultrasound was going to be painful, both physically and emotionally. She squeezed Jo's hand a little tighter, "You squeeze as hard as you need to sweetie," she whispered. "And don't be afraid to cry or scream if it hurts too much. It's okay…I'm here."

Jo took a deep breath, "Thanks Mrs. G." she whispered. The nurse squirted some gel on her stomach and Jo cringed at the feeling. It was cold and uncomfortable. Then the doctor took the transducer and pushed hard on her lower abdomen. The pain took her breath away and Jo gasped, trying not to scream. She moaned as the doctor pushed harder and finally let out a wailing cry, "Owwww…stop…please…"

The doctor lifted the transducer, "I knew this would be painful, but I am a little worried," he said anxiously. "You may have some deeper damage than we originally thought."

"What does that mean?" Jo asked nervously.

"I'm not sure," the doctor admitted. "But I think it is possible you have a pelvic fracture. Have you had a lot of pain and cramping before today?"

"I'm in pain twenty-four hours a day," Jo sobbed. "I can't even distinguish where the pain is coming from most of the time."

"Okay…try to stay calm," the doctor spoke gently. "I would really like to continue the ultrasound if you can get through it. Then we can decide what course of action to take…"

"Course of action?" Jo asked seriously. "What does that mean? Is the baby in danger? Am I in danger?"

"I don't know," the doctor said honestly. "I have to get a good look at what we're dealing with here. Okay?" Jo nodded sadly and the doctor spoke sincerely, "This is going to hurt like hell…so scream all you want."

He pushed hard on her stomach and Jo screamed and clutched Mrs. Garrett's hand, squeezing as hard as she could. Edna spoke gently, trying to reassure her, "You are doing great honey," she whispered. "Hang in there…it's almost over…"

"I want to see the baby," Jo cried. She looked pleadingly at the doctor, "Please…I changed my mind. I want to see my baby."

"The baby looks good," the doctor assured her. "I can see the heart beating and everything looks normal. I don't think you really want to see…"

"I do," Jo cried. "I want to see."

"Honey, are you sure," Edna asked gently. "You said it would be too hard."

The doctor reluctantly turned the screen, "Right here…" he pointed to a fluttering dot on the screen. "This is the baby's heart…beating nice and strong. Everything looks good."

"Oh my…" Jo gasped. "You're sure everything is alright? The drugs didn't hurt him?"

"Things look good right now," the doctor quickly turned the screen away. "Some defects may not show up this early though. The baby looks normal now, actually about a week ahead size-wise…"

"A week…really?" Jo asked anxiously. "Does that mean I could have conceived this baby before…before the rape?"

The doctor shook his head, "It's doubtful…babies vary in size. They sometimes measure small or large in one ultrasound and then average on another."

"But it's possible?" Jo insisted.

"Jo," Edna spoke softly. "You know Kyle can't have children."

"But vasectomies sometimes stop working after a while," Jo looked at the doctor. "I'm right…aren't I? They are not always 100%, especially after several years."

"Jo, I would not get your hopes up about this," the doctor tried to calm her.

"It is possible this is Kyle's baby," Jo said seriously. "I'm not getting my hopes up…but it is possible. Right?"

"I guess so," the doctor reluctantly gave in. He knew she was right and it was possible, but the odds were completely against it.

"I have to tell him," Jo said tearfully.

"Jo…we need to talk about the pregnancy," the doctor said sadly. "I know you said you want to carry the baby to term, but I have serious reservations about that, especially now. The pain you felt in your pelvis from the ultrasound indicates a pelvic fracture. It would be a common injury resulting from the violent intercourse during the rape. We can't even begin to see how severe the break is without a CAT scan and we cannot perform a scan when you are pregnant."

"I'm not aborting this baby," Jo said quickly. "No…"

"Jo…if you try to carry this baby with your back injuries and a possible pelvic fracture," the doctor spoke seriously. "You will be in debilitating pain. You could end up spending the next several months flat on your back or in a wheelchair. As the baby grows and your pelvic bones shift and spread, the fracture could become more severe and cause excessive internal bleeding or even rupture your uterus. This is a very dangerous situation."

Jo couldn't speak as she tried to understand all he was telling her. She looked to Mrs. Garrett for help, knowing if anyone could help her it would be Mrs. G. Edna looked at her with pity and Jo closed her eyes and cried. Edna's voice was pleading, "Is there anything you can do to repair the fracture…before she is too far along and the risks are so serious?"

"Surgery would result in miscarriage at this point, I have no doubt about that," the doctor explained. "And without a CAT scan we couldn't prepare for surgery anyway." He cleared his throat, "The only thing we could do is to restrain movement, try to force healing by keeping her body still and allowing the bones to fuse together on their own. It usually takes about eight weeks and there are no guarantees, especially during pregnancy when the body in undergoing so many other changes…"

"I'll do that," Jo said quickly. "Whatever it takes. I can lay still."

"Jo, this is not simply lying still," the doctor explained. "You would be strapped to the bed so you could not move at all. It would be very uncomfortable. No sitting, no walking…and I know you were looking forward to that."

"I can do it," Jo promised. "I can…I want to do whatever it takes."

"Jo, I admire your persistence," the doctor said truthfully. "But this is going to be hard. The nurses will have to physically lift you to change the bandages on your back, all the while trying to keep your pelvis from shifting. One slight move and your recovery will be compromised. You will basically become an invalid during your recovery. You won't be able to eat solid food because you will be flat on your back at all times. We'll have to go back to the feeding tube and IV nutrients. You'll be prone to bed sores and skin lesions just from immobility. And it may not work."

"I don't know what else to do," Jo cried. "I have no other choice."

"Jo, sweetheart…do you want to talk to Kyle about this before you decide?" Edna asked with concern. "This is a big decision."

"And it's _my_ decision," Jo said blatantly. "Not Kyle's, not anybody's…_mine_. I have to do whatever I can to protect this baby. I'm his mother," she cried, "I mean…at least for now, I'm the only one he has. It's my job to take care of him."

"This baby is lucky to have you honey," Edna kissed her on the forehead. "You are an amazing woman."


	36. Chapter 36

Blair pulled her car into a space outside the battered, run-down apartment complex. She hated to be here, alone in this neighborhood; hated to leave her car parked out here, but she had no choice. She had promised Jo she would find out why her parents hadn't bothered to call or show up since the attack, and she couldn't let her down. She had called the number Jo gave her, but it was disconnected. She thought about leaving it at that, but after Mrs. Garrett had called and told her about Jo's pelvic fracture and the painful ultrasound as well as her new bed rest restrictions, Blair felt obligated to prove to her friend that her parents were not going to abandon her in her time of need. She just hoped she was right.

She stepped from the car, carefully making sure all of the doors were locked and clutched her purse to her body. Then she walked across the broken sidewalk to the front door of the building. It had been more years than she could remember since she had been here. She remembered coming here with Jo a couple of times, but never for very long. Things had really gone downhill in the neighborhood, and they hadn't been good to begin with. There was a buzzer outside the door with tenant names penciled in. Blair found the one that said "Polniaczek" and pushed it, hoping for a fast response.

"Yes," a woman's voice spoke eagerly over the intercom. Blair wasn't sure it was Rose; she couldn't really remember the sound of her voice. "Who's there?" the woman asked.

"It's Blair Warner," Blair spoke clearly. "Jo's friend…"

Before she could continue the voice on the other end of the intercom interrupted with excitement, "Blair?" she asked. "Come on up." There was a buzz and Blair pushed the door open and walked inside. The inside of the building looked as run-down as the outside. There were a couple of small children running up and down the hall yelling and playing, dressed in nothing more than diapers and t-shirts, even in the late-February cold. Blair walked upstairs and Rose was waiting for her, the door to her apartment open. She looked older; heavier with short gray hair, but Blair recognized Jo's mother right away. Rose looked at her and smiled anxiously, "Blair…it's been so long. Is Jo with you?" she looked past Blair as if she expected to see her daughter standing there and Blair realized immediately that Kyle had lied when he told Jo he had called her parents. Her heart ached as she realized she was going to have to be the one to tell Jo's parents what had happened to their daughter.

"No," Blair shook her head. "She's not with me." She followed Rose into the apartment and watched as she locked the door. "Rose, I tried to call you, but your number was disconnected."

"Oh…I had the number changed a few years ago," Rose said sadly. "I was getting some harassing phone calls so I thought it would be best."

"Does Jo have your new number?" Blair asked as she sat on the sofa.

"I think so," Rose said sadly. "Not that she ever calls me. I'm sure I gave it to her though. Actually, I know I did. I called and left a message and I spent a week thinking she would call me back, but she never did. We don't really speak anymore," she looked at Blair and sighed, "Can I get you some coffee or something?"

Blair smiled, "No thank you." Rose sat in the chair across from her and Blair wondered why she didn't ask her the reason for this unexpected visit. She watched as Rose fidgeted with a string hanging from the chair and she knew the woman was avoiding asking the obvious question. If Blair was in the Bronx making an unexpected visit, it obviously had something to do with Jo; probably something she didn't want to hear. "Rose," Blair said softly and the older woman looked at her, fearfully. "Something's happened. Did Kyle call you?"

Rose slowly shook her head no and cleared her throat, "It's Jo?" she asked as a tear slid down her cheek. "What's wrong?"

"She was attacked; working undercover," Blair said sadly. "She was stabbed…"

"Oh God," Rose gasped and cried. "My poor baby…" she could see the strain on Blair's face and she knew the prognosis wasn't good. "She's in bad shape isn't she?"

Blair nodded, "She's healing, but she has a long road ahead of her. She was beaten pretty badly. She's had reconstructive surgery to repair the damage to her face. She looks better…"

"She's already had surgery?" Rose asked. "When did this happen?"

"Almost two months ago," Blair said reluctantly. She knew Rose would be hurt that she hadn't been told sooner.

"Two months?" Rose asked. "Why didn't someone tell me?"

"We thought Kyle called," Blair admitted. "He said he did. Jo was upset that she hadn't heard from you or Charlie, so she asked me to find out why…I'm sorry Rose. I don't know why Kyle didn't tell you…"

"Because he's a no good piece of garbage," Rose yelled. "I never did see what Jo saw in him, but keeping this from us…it's unforgivable." She sighed, "I have to tell Charlie. We need to get to LA."

"Rose," Blair spoke gently. "I think you should know…Jo is in bad shape…physically and emotionally. She wasn't just stabbed and beaten, she was raped."

"Raped?" Rose asked in disbelief. "Why would someone hurt her like this?"

"It was a drug smuggler," Blair explained. "He caught onto the plan to catch him. The other officers were all killed. Jo was the lucky one…"

"And she's been in the hospital for two months?" Rose asked. "And she is nowhere near being well enough to come home?"

"Her stab wounds are healing slowly," Blair explained. "And the facial reconstruction took time. I talked to Mrs. Garrett this morning and she said they just discovered that Jo also has a broken pelvis. They are going to try stabilized bed rest to force it to heal. That will take another eight weeks."

"Why can't that repair it surgically?" Rose asked. "Wouldn't that be easier?"

Blair had promised Jo she wouldn't tell about the pregnancy, so she knew she couldn't really answer the question honestly. "They think this way is safer," she said.

"I need to call Charlie," Rose picked up the phone. "We have to find a way to get the money together for a plane ticket. I'll call my sister…she can help…"

"It's okay Rose," Blair offered, "I'll fly you and Charlie to LA. I can get you a nice hotel room near the hospital so you can be with Jo."

"Oh honey…you don't need to do that…" Rose shook her head. "We can manage."

"You sound just like your stubborn daughter," Blair forced a smiled. "It's no trouble…I want to do it. You need to be with her. Besides, I bet Jamie would love to see her grandparents."

"Jamie?" Rose asked. "The little girl Jo and Kyle adopted? I've never met her."

"Really?" Blair asked. She couldn't believe that Jo had never introduced Jamie to her grandparents. " Jo never brought her to visit you?"

"It's not because of Jo," Rose said seriously. "It's Kyle. He is not the person Jo thinks he is. I tried to warn her, but she wouldn't listen to me. I've been scared to death for my daughter the past seven years."

"Rose," Blair asked nervously. "Do you know something about Kyle that the rest of us don't?"

"I know it's his fault my daughter is lying in that hospital all alone," Rose said sadly. "And I wouldn't be surprised if he was the one who put her there."

"Kyle didn't hurt her Rose," Blair insisted. "This happened when she was working. Kyle may be a jerk, but he didn't hurt her."

"I don't know if I believe that," Rose said honestly. She let her tears fall as she dialed the phone, "Why wouldn't Jo listen to me? She should have listened. I should've made her listen." She put her head in her hands and cried.


	37. Chapter 37

"Jo…babe, how are you feeling?" Kyle asked as he walked into his wife's hospital room. He stood by her bed, "Mrs. G called me. She said you have a pelvic fracture. They won't let you move at all?"

"I'm going to be okay though," Jo said with a breathy sigh. "Laying flat on my back isn't fun, but it'll be okay."

Kyle leaned over and kissed her. Then he sat beside her and Jo turned her head to look at him. "Babe…this is ridiculous," Kyle insisted. "You are going through too much. I think we should reconsider termination. I know I said I was okay with adoption, but I didn't know carrying the baby would mean this. You're strapped to the bed for heaven's sake…"

"I saw the baby," Jo said sadly. "I'm not having an abortion."

"Jo…think about this," Kyle sighed. "Eight weeks flat on your back with no movement? By the time they let you up your muscles will be so weak you won't be able to walk…"

"The doctor said the baby is measuring a week ahead," Jo interrupted. "It might be yours."

"Oh God Jo…don't start this again," Kyle shook his head angrily. "It is not my baby. You know that."

"I'm having the paternity test done at sixteen weeks," Jo insisted. "Just to be sure. We need to know for certain."

"We DO know!" Kyle argued. "What the hell is this about? Did you change your mind about giving the baby up? You want to keep it now, don't you?"

"Kyle…please don't go there with me," Jo tried not to cry. "I can't deal with all of this right now. I'm in a lot of pain and as you already mentioned I'm strapped to a bed and can't even move. Just stop yelling at me…"

"Fine, I'm sorry," Kyle exhaled sharply. "So, how are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I feel depressed quite honestly," Jo answered. "They injected a muscles relaxant to paralyze me from the waist down…to ensure I won't move. The straps keep me from moving my torso and accidentally disturbing my pelvis. It's an odd feeling…sort of like I'm half a person."

"Oh honey," Kyle said sadly. "I wish you didn't feel like you have to do this."

"Well I do," Jo said seriously. "And I don't want you to ask me to have an abortion...never again Kyle. Please. Just accept that I can't do it."

"Alright," Kyle grabbed her hand and rubbed it gently. "Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? I hate that you are so depressed."

"I'll be fine," Jo forced a weak smile. "In eight weeks I'll be good as new. I hope," her voice trailed off. "Kyle…do you think my parents are angry at me? I was lying here thinking about them, and I know I haven't made the effort to keep in touch with them…"

"Where is this coming from all of the sudden?" Kyle asked anxiously. "Why are you asking about them?"

"I don't know," Jo sniffled. "I was thinking about my mom. Everything I am going through for this baby…I just started wondering about when she was pregnant with me…if she would have done anything in the world to protect me. And if so…what did I do…" her words were muffled with sobs, "what did I do to make her hate me so much now?"

Kyle couldn't face her. He turned his head and tried to think of a way to explain to Jo why her parents hadn't made any effort to contact her. "She doesn't hate you Jo," Kyle said gently. "I'm sure she doesn't."

"When you called," Jo asked sadly. "What did they say?"

Kyle shrugged, "Just that they didn't have the money to come right now. But I am sure they are thinking about you and praying for you. You know they love you."

"I asked Blair to call them while she's in New York," Jo told him. "She said she'd find out why they haven't at least called. I'm scared she's going to tell me they don't want anything to do with me."

"Why did you bother Blair with this?" Kyle asked, his voice strained with worry. "Jo…this is none of her business. We should call and tell her to leave them alone. I'll call them again if you want…"

"Blair doesn't mind," Jo was confused. "What is wrong with you? Why are you acting so strange?"

"I'm not," Kyle insisted. "But this is our personal business and I don't think it is up to Blair to go talk to your parents. What if she tells them about the baby? They may be really upset to know you are giving up their grandchild. Do you want to put them through that?"

"She's not going to tell them about the baby," Jo explained. She was worried by Kyle's frantic state. He was keeping something from her and she knew it. "Kyle…what's going on?"

"Nothing," his words unconvincing. "I should get going. I'll be up again soon." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Rest up."

Jo had never felt so helpless and alone. She wanted more than anything to run after Kyle, force him to tell her the truth. "I can't take anymore lies," she whispered. "I just can't."


	38. Chapter 38

Rose was tapping her fingers on the armrest, nervously awaiting take-off. Blair had bought first-class tickets for her and Charlie to fly to LA and she was too worried to enjoy it. Charlie put his hand over hers, "Rosie, calm down," he said gently. "It's not doing anybody any good for you to sit here and fret over this."

"How could he?" Rose looked at her ex-husband and spoke with bitterness. "How could he not tell us about this? How could he let Jo think we don't care about her? Blair said she nearly died…our daughter could be dead right now and we would never have known."

"Kyle's a no good SOB," Charlie agreed. "We've known that from the start. Maybe this will force Jo to open her eyes about him."

"Maybe," Rose leaned her head on Charlie's shoulder. "I want to try to sleep on the way…so I can be awake and ready to help Jo when we get there."

"Okay, that sounds like a good idea," Charlie said gently. He held her hand while she rested on his shoulder.

Rose closed her eyes, but she couldn't fall asleep. She kept thinking about Jo…thinking about Kyle. Why had Jo insisted on marrying him? Rose had tried to stop her, but Jo shrugged off her mother's concerns like they were nothing. She was determined to get married and nothing Rose said could change her mind. Rose let her mind drift back to the day Jo had called to tell her she was getting remarried.

"His name is Kyle Lawson," Jo's voice had boomed with excitement on the phone that night. "I know you'll love him."

"Where did you meet this guy?" Rose asked, unsure that her daughter was emotionally ready to move on from her ex-husband.

"Rick introduced us…they work together," Jo answered reluctantly. "And don't start Ma…he's a good guy."

"Well what about Rick?" Rose had asked. "Are you really over him Jo? I know you were hurt when the baby was taken away…but the two of you mean a lot to one another…"

"I love Kyle," Jo insisted. "We're going to get married and have our own babies and be happy. Ma, please try to accept this. I love him."

The following week Jo and Kyle had taken Rose and Charlie out for dinner. Rose had to admit he was charming. Charlie didn't like that Jo was settling down with another musician, but otherwise he seemed to be okay. It was obvious that he loved Jo. The way he looked at her, doted on her…and even more surprising was the way Jo let him act this way towards her. She seemed mesmerized by his love and attention, something Rose had to admit she had never witnessed from her daughter before.

It wasn't until a few days later that Rose's opinion of Kyle changed. She was in the supermarket, trying to avoid the gang members and drug addicts when she spotted Carlos Fernandez, the most dreaded drug dealer in the neighborhood. Everyone was scared of him, he was known to grab purses from women or food right out of their grocery bags, and Rose knew as she pushed her shopping cart down the aisle that there was no way she could get past him. Luckily he pushed past her and ran out of the store. She finished her shopping quickly, anxious to get home where things were safe and sound. Then as she was walking home, groceries in hand, she noticed Fernandez sitting in a coffee shop across from the supermarket. He was talking with someone, his face red with anger. The other man handed him some money and it was then that Rose got a glimpse of his face…it was Kyle. Kyle was obviously making some sort of deal with the most dreaded drug dealer in the Bronx.

She wondered what he was doing there. Why he was even in the Bronx, let alone having lunch with a known criminal. If he had been one of Jo's cop friends she would have assumed he was undercover, but since he wasn't she knew it had to be something else. Before she could remove her gaze, he looked up and faced her, their eyes meeting. She could see he was afraid and she ran home as quickly as she could.

She called Jo immediately and filled her in on what she had seen. "He was with Carlos Fernandez," Rose said fearfully. "That can't be good Jo and you know it."

"Ma…come on," Jo seemed to shrug off her mother's concern, "What would Kyle be doing in the Bronx anyway…let alone having lunch with a thug like Fernandez? You probably saw some guy who kinda looks like Kyle…you've only met him the one time…"

"It was him," Rose insisted. "He looked right at me and he knew me Jo. You have to get to the bottom of this. He's involved with Fernandez; that means he can't be the great guy you think he is."

"I'll ask him about it…okay?" Jo said in a tone that let Rose know she didn't take her seriously. "I love you Ma…bye" Jo hung up the phone and Rose had not stopped worrying about her safety since.

Later in the week Jo had called and insisted Kyle knew nothing about meeting a drug dealer for lunch in the Bronx. In fact, he had joked that he would be scared to death to go to the Bronx by himself anyway. Rose tried to convince herself that it wasn't Kyle she had seen that day, but she knew deep in her soul that it was him. Then, the day of her daughter's wedding Kyle cornered her in the church, gave her an uncomfortable hug and made a remark about her accusations, "Jo tells me you think you saw me in your neighborhood," he snickered. "You know that's ridiculous don't you?"

"I'm sure it was just someone who looked like you," Rose forced a weak smile and tried to escape his grasp, but Kyle held tight to her.

"You know…_Mom_" he said sarcastically. "It's probably not a good idea for a woman like yourself to be spying on drug dealers anyway…do you think?" He lowered his tone and his voice was chilling, "It could be very dangerous…seeing as how you live all alone, with no one there to protect you. And why would you want to get Jo involved in something like that? Don't you think her job is dangerous enough without the whole drug population after her? We would all be devastated if something happened to her…wouldn't we?" Then he let go of her and walked away as if nothing had happened.

Rose was shaking uncontrollably when her daughter walked up to her a while later. "Ma…what's wrong?" Jo asked with worry.

"Nothing," Rose lied. She looked at her daughter and was scared for her…scared for herself. There was no doubt in her mind that Kyle was involved in some kind of criminal activity, but his threats left her feeling helpless. She was worried for her daughter's safety, for her own safety as well. "Jo," she whispered. "I don't like Kyle. He scares me."

"Ma…please…" Jo looked annoyed. "I love him and he loves me too. Please just give him a chance."

Lying with her head on her ex-husband's shoulder, listening to his own restless snoring, Rose knew she should have forced Jo to see the truth back then. She had been afraid Jo wouldn't believe her and then they would all be in danger. She hadn't even told Charlie about Kyle's threats that day. Charlie hated Kyle anyway, said he was a lousy musician with little ambition, happy to live off of Jo's salary, letting her risk her life as a police officer just so he could live comfortably. He hated him with a passion and he didn't even know the truth about him. As the years went on, she tried to convince herself that she had overreacted, read too much into his words that day. After all, Jo seemed happy. Now, she was sure her silence had somehow caused her daughter's violent attack. "I'm sorry Jo," she whispered to herself. "I should have done something to protect you."


	39. Chapter 39

Jo's parents stood outside her hospital room, looking through the doorway. Rose was trying not to cry, but the sight of her daughter, paralyzed in the bed was too much for her and her tears slid down her cheeks. Charlie was less emotional, standing in silence. He couldn't let himself feel, just stared at his daughter in disbelief. How could this have happened? Jo was always so strong, he couldn't believe she had let her guard down and allowed this crime to happen. He wasn't really blaming her, just couldn't let himself understand that she had been so vulnerable. It made him realize for the first time how dangerous her life really was, how they could have lost her at any moment over the past several years. He regretted the fact that he never made more of an effort to see her, or even call her after she had moved to LA. He was determined to change things now.

Rose and Charlie walked slowly to the bed. Jo's eyes were closed and they didn't want to disturb her rest. They both sat near her bed and Rose gazed at her daughter's face. Her stitches were still visible, her skin deeply bruised. "She looks so battered," Rose whispered. "Blair said she looks much better now. Can you imagine what she must have looked like before?"

"I don't want to think about it," Charlie said honestly. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. He sighed, "Rosie…what are we going to say to her? We haven't seen her in years. I don't even know how to begin to help her right now."

"We're just going to be here for her," Rose insisted. "We're not going to let Kyle run us off either. I don't care what excuse he comes up with for not telling us about this, we're going to make him pay."

Jo sighed and her eyes opened slowly. She turned her head and looked toward the sound of the voices that had awakened her. Her eyes widened when she saw her parents sitting beside her, "Ma…Pop?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh Jo…sweetheart," Rose stood up and leaned over her daughter, kissing her softly. "We would have been here sooner. We didn't know…"

"Kyle called you," Jo said slowly. "He said you didn't have the money to come."

"Kyle lied," Charlie stood up and shook his head. "He's a no good liar. You know nothing could keep us from you when you're hurt like this. Nothing. He never called."

"He didn't?" Jo asked sadly. "Really?" She tried not to cry in front of her parents. It was the first time she had seen them in years and she didn't want them to worry more than they already were. "I thought you were mad at me," she whispered. "I thought that was why you didn't come…"

"Oh sweetheart," Rose grabbed her hand and held it tight. "We are not mad at you. We've missed you so much." She held her daughter's hand and looked lovingly into her eyes, "Are you doing okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm okay," Jo answered. "Really…everything is going to be fine."

"Mom…" Jamie's bubbly voice echoed from the doorway. She walked in, startled to see the unfamiliar faces in the room. "Hi…" she said nervously. Rick walked in behind her, surprised to see Jo's parents.

"Charlie…Rose," he said quickly. "It's been a long time."

"Jamie come here," Jo said gently and her daughter walked over to her. "Sweetie, these are my parents. Your grandma and grandpa." She smiled, "Ma…Pop…this is Jamie, my daughter."

Jamie stared at her grandparents, unsure of what to say. Rose reached out and hugged her, "I'm so glad to finally meet you," she whispered. "I've waited a long time to spoil my granddaughter."

"I didn't know you were here," Rick said apologetically. "Jamie really wanted to come see Jo, but we can go and come back later."

"No," Jo insisted. "But do you think I could have some time alone with my mom?" She looked at Jamie and smiled, "Maybe you can talk your Uncle Rick and Grandpa Charlie into taking you to the snack bar for a soda?"

"Sure," Charlie smiled, eager to impress his granddaughter. "And maybe we can get some ice cream too. I have a lot of years to make up for here."

Jamie laughed and looked at Rick for approval. He nodded and so she turned back to her grandfather, "Okay…let's go." She leaned over and kissed her mother, "We'll be back soon."

"Okay sweetie," Jo smiled weakly and waited for everyone to leave the room. Then she looked at her mother, "Ma…I'm scared. Kyle keeps lying to me, and I just can't trust him."

"Jo…you need to focus on getting better," Rose said softly. "Sweetheart, put Kyle out of your mind. Once your better you can divorce him and get on with your life."

"I never said I wanted a divorce," Jo argued. "I just want things to be okay between us. I want him to be honest with me."

"Jo…I don't trust him," Rose said seriously.

"I know you don't," Jo said sadly. Then she tried changing the subject, "I'm glad you finally got to meet Jamie."

"She's a beautiful girl," Rose smiled. "She's sweet...and so grown up. She must be almost thirteen, and I've missed so much time being her grandma." Then she paused and continued, "Jo…does Kyle know that Rick is her father?"

Jo's eyes widened and her voice was nervous, "What? Why would you say that? He's not…"

"Joanna Marie," Rose's tone was serious. "I know when you adopted her that you said it was a coincidence that her name was Jamie, just like the baby you and Rick lost custody of…and I believed you. It's a common name. But when she walked into the room, I recognized her. I loved that baby as much as I would have loved a child you gave birth to yourself. She was my grandbaby. I know her…even now. Besides, she and Rick have the same mannerisms…it's obvious. Does Kyle know?"

Jo didn't know what to say. She never expected her mother to question Jamie's parentage. She thought about denying it again, but she was tired of all the lies. "He doesn't know," she said solemnly. "And he can never find out."

"He won't hear it from me," Rose promised. "But sweetheart…you have to be careful. We don't know what he is capable of."

"I know you never liked him Ma," Jo said seriously. "But Kyle's not dangerous. He may be a liar, but he loves me and Jamie…I don't know what these lies are all about, but I'm sure he has his reasons."

"Don't make excuses for him," Rose insisted.

"I'm tired," Jo mumbled. "Let's not talk about Kyle anymore." She yawned and Rose sat beside her and rubbed her hand gently. "Ma…I'm sorry you have to see me like this," Jo let her tears fall.

"I want to be here," Rose said softly. "I'm going to take care of you. You're going to get better really soon. I promise."

"I wish that were true," Jo cried. "I can't even move. It feels like I'm never going to get better. I don't have the strength to get through this. I'm tired."

"Oh baby," Rose gently dabbed her tears. "You don't have to be strong anymore. I'm here…and I can be strong for you. You just rest now." She watched as Jo closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.


	40. Chapter 40

Jamie was laughing as she walked into the room, but stopped when she noticed her mother was asleep again. "Mom's asleep?" she asked sadly. "I was hoping to have a chance to talk to her."

"She was really tired," Rose said gently. "I know she wanted to spend some time with you too." She looked at the girl and smiled, "What were you laughing about when you came in?"

"Uncle Rick and Grandpa," Jamie smiled. "They were acting crazy in the cafeteria." She looked at the two men and grinned. "I can't remember that last time I had this much fun." Then she glanced at her mother in the hospital bed and her smile disappeared, "I wish Mom could come home. I miss her."

"She'll be home before you know it," Rick put his arm around Jamie's shoulder. "She's getting stronger every day." Jamie nodded, not completely convinced. Rick looked at Charlie and Rose, "Jamie and I need to get going. Will you tell Jo I can bring her back by whenever she wants? Or maybe Mrs. Garrett can bring her?"

"Sure," Rose nodded.

"My dad would bring me if he wasn't so busy," Jamie felt like she had to defend her father. "He is working on a new album and he's always at the studio."

"Yeah," Rick agreed. He hugged the girl close to him, "I'm sure he wishes he could be here more."

Rose felt like making a snide comment about Kyle, but decided against it since Jamie was in the room. Instead she looked at her granddaughter and smiled, "Can I have a good-bye hug?" she asked.

"Sure," Jamie grabbed her grandmother and hugged her tight. "I'm glad you came to see Mom," she whispered. "I know she's missed you a lot."

Rose felt like she might cry, but instead just cleared her throat and released her grasp from Jamie. "Your grandpa and I will be here for a while," she promised. "We're staying until your mom is all better."

"Good," Jamie smiled. She walked to the door and left with Rick.

Charlie sat in the chair next to Jo's bed and glanced at his daughter sleeping restlessly. "She looks miserable," he noted and Rose agreed. Then he looked at his ex-wife and spoke softly, "Our daughter must be a remarkable mother. She has raised a fantastic daughter. Jamie is so smart and sweet. She loves Jo so much too. I wish you could have had time to visit with her."

"Me too," Rose sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed. "Charlie, do you think Jamie is safe with Kyle? I'm worried about her being alone with him."

"I think she's fine," Charlie insisted. "Besides, from what Rick and Jamie told me down in the cafeteria, Kyle is hardly ever home. Edna Garrett has been staying there taking care of Jamie and Rick has been watching her if Edna has other things she needs to do. Kyle is not around."

"I'm glad," Rose sighed. "I don't want him near my granddaughter. Or my daughter for that matter. I told Jo she needs to divorce him."

"What did she say to that?" Charlie asked. "I bet that didn't go over well."

"She said he must have a logical reason for lying," Rose sputtered. "I don't know why she refuses to see the truth?"

"Rosie, you know Jo is stubborn," Charlie said quickly. "And don't forget that she is dealing with a lot right now. It's not the time to pressure her into divorcing her husband. We need to be here to help her get better, not push her into making any big decisions."

"I know," Rose let a few tears slide down her cheeks, "Charlie…she is so weak. She's in pain and she said she isn't strong enough to get through this. Our Jo said that…she thinks she's not strong enough. I've never heard her say anything like that before…it scares me."

"Quiet down before she hears you and wakes up," Charlie stood up and walked over to where his ex-wife was sitting. He hugged her, "Things are going to be okay."

"I hope so," Rose sniffled.

Charlie squeezed her tight, "I know so," he whispered. "We're here now, and everything will be alright."


	41. Chapter 41

The following week Jo woke up to find she was alone for the first time since her parents had arrived in Peekskill. As much as she loved having them with her, her mother's constant doting and her father's looks of pity were taking a toll on her. She sighed with relief, knowing that even if only for a brief second, she could be alone with her thoughts.

She didn't feel well, a feeling she was beginning to get used to, but wished would go away. She finally was willing to admit the nausea was probably from the baby, but she obviously couldn't say anything about it while her parents were around. Part of her wanted to tell her mother about the baby, ask her advice, but deep down she knew her mother wouldn't be able to handle the news. It was taking all of her strength not to mention the pregnancy, especially when her mother went on and on asking why the doctors wouldn't give her more pain medication or why the surgeon could not fix her pelvis instead of making her live in this paralyzed state for weeks.

She ran her hand delicately over her stomach, letting it rest gently. "Why do you insist on making me feel so lousy?" she whispered with a heavy sigh. Then she spoke gently, "I know it's not your fault…"

"What's not whose fault?" a voice echoed from the doorway. Jo turned her head slowly to try to see who was talking, but not being able to sit up made it impossible. The man walked further in to the room and smiled a sad smile, "How are you doing?" he asked.

"Mike, what are you doing here?" Jo asked, surprised to see her captain. He hadn't been to see her since he came to question her about the attack. Maybe he had news about the investigation? Maybe they had found Lonvetti?

Mike walked over and sat beside her bed, "I needed to stop by and check on one of my best inspectors." He smiled weakly, letting Jo know it was difficult for him to be here even if he did know how to remain strong and emotionless. "You didn't answer me…how are you doing?"

"I feel like hell," Jo admitted. "But better than before I guess. I'm gonna be fine."

"You look a lot better," Mike insisted. "Any word on when you'll be able to get out of here and head home? Anytime soon?"

"It's gonna be a while," Jo said seriously. "I don't know…"

"We miss you down at the station," Mike said trying to lighten the mood. "No one else has your smart ass attitude."

Jo laughed genuinely for the first time in a while, "Well, I'm glad to know that no one can replace me."

"Never," Mike winked at her. Then his tone turned more serious, "Jo…we've hit a dead end on the Lonvetti case. I'm so sorry, but we just can't find him. He's obviously left the country and no one here knows anything about where, or if they do they're not talking. We have no choice but to shelve the case for now…I'm really sorry…"

"It's not your fault," Jo said honestly. She was obviously upset that they weren't able to catch him, but she was experienced enough in police work to know that they had done all they could, especially when it involved the attack of other officers.

"I wish I could do more…" Mike admitted.

"Stop," Jo said quickly. "You can't beat yourself up over this. If anyone's to blame it's me. I'm the one who let my guard down. I never should've left my gun with Henry. I should've gone back when my earpiece quit working. I should've been on alert when I walked into that shack…" her voice trailed off as she was overcome with tears, embarrassed to be crying in front of her captain.

"Jo…this was not your fault," Mike said honestly. "You know that."

"And you have to say that," Jo said quickly. "You know how many times I've said that to victims? Probably hundreds of times. But even though I said it, I knew most of them had done something stupid to put themselves it that situation. It's just something you say to make the person feel better."

"So you think all the victims you've helped deserved to be attacked?" Mike asked. "Is that what you're saying?"

"Of course not," Jo wiped her tears. "I never thought anyone deserved to be violated like that. No one deserves that kind of pain."

"Then why do you think this is your fault?" Mike asked. "Jo…you didn't deserve this either. You didn't make it happen. You know that deep down…you have to give yourself a break."

"It's hard," Jo admitted. "Really hard."

"I know," Mike sympathized with her. "But if anyone is strong enough to get through this it's you. Everyone knows that."

"Yeah? Well I don't feel very strong right now," Jo said softly. "But thanks."

Mike smiled, "You have to get better. We need you back on the force. "

"I don't think I'm coming back," Jo said honestly. "I don't know if I can."

"What?" Mike asked. "I know it will take time, but after your recovery…I expected you to return. You're one of the best…we need you."

"I'm never going to recover well enough to do my job again, and besides my family needs me," Jo said seriously. "Jamie was devastated by this Mike. I can't go back and let her worry every time I go to work. I won't do that to her. And I have other things to think about too…the force is the last thing on my mind right now. I hope you can understand that."

"I do," Mike nodded.

"Hello?" Jo heard her mother's voice at the doorway and knew she was not going to have anymore alone time for the rest of the day. The few minutes before Mike had shown up would be it. "Jo…sweetheart…who is this?" Rose asked as she walked over to the bed.

Mike stood and extended his hand. "Captain Michael Jorgenson," he said politely.

"Ma, this is my boss," Jo introduced them. "Mike, this is my mother, Rose Polniaczek."

Rose shook his hand, "Have you caught the guy who did this to her?" she asked bitterly.

Mike shook his head, "No ma'am, I'm sorry." He looked at Jo and sighed, "I'll be by to see you again. And I'll let you know if we get any leads. Take care of yourself."

"I will," Jo promised. She watched him go and then turned to her mother. "Ma…the police are doing all they can. It's not easy to find a guy like Lonvetti. They may never catch him and we just have to accept that."

"Well I can't accept it," Rose admitted. She sat beside her daughter and held her hand. "How are you doing sweetheart? Do you need anything?"

"No," Jo closed her eyes. "Where were you? I was surprised you weren't here when I woke up."

"Your father asked me to go with him to grab some breakfast," Rose explained. "He's resting back at the hotel now. He wanted to get out of here a while so we went to some little café across the street. The food was awful, runny eggs and undercooked bacon…"

Jo felt her stomach jolt, "Ma please…don't talk about food." She put her hand over her mouth and tried to control her nausea.

"Oh sweetie, you look green," Rose said with worry. "Should I get the nurse? Do they know how sick you are? Maybe you have a virus or something on top of everything else?"

"Ma…they know I'm sick," Jo insisted. "There is nothing they can do."

"They have to be able to do something," Rose argued.

"Ma, they can't okay," Jo tried to explain. "If I throw up…they clean up the mess. That's all they can do." She sighed, "Just stop talking about it okay? It makes me feel worse."

"Well honey, they should be trying to do something to make you feel better," Rose moistened a cloth and placed it on her forehead. "You shouldn't have to be sick like this. You are already dealing with a lot. I am going to talk to the doctor about this…I want him to make sure you don't have the flu or something…"

"Ma…I'm pregnant," Jo let the news burst out and instantly regretted it when she saw her mother's face drop. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you before now," Jo whispered.

"You're going to have a baby?" Rose asked. Jo nodded weakly and Rose kissed her on the cheek. "Oh sweetheart, you must feel miserable. All of the pregnancy symptoms on top of the pain from your injuries. Is that why the surgeon can't operate on your pelvis? Because of the baby?"

"Yeah," Jo felt an immense sense of relief in admitting the truth to her mother.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Rose asked. "Why all the lies?"

"I didn't want to upset you," Jo said softly.

"Sweetheart, I am not upset with you," Rose said as she squeezed her hand. "I am a little surprised that you would go undercover like you did knowing you were pregnant, but I assume you thought things were safe enough. I know you didn't put the baby in harm's way on purpose."

"Ma, you don't understand," Jo let her tears fall and suddenly Rose knew what her daughter was going to tell her and in broke her heart. "I wasn't pregnant when I went undercover that night," Jo sobbed. "I got pregnant when I was raped."

"Oh sweetheart," Rose knelt over her bed hugging her as close as she could. "I'm so sorry…baby…I'm so sorry this happened to you." Letting her mother hug her, Jo felt safe for the first time in a long time. She let herself cry, and her mother cried along with her.


	42. Chapter 42

A few days later Kyle stood outside the door, trying to find the courage to go inside. Ever since Jo's parents had arrived in LA he had done all he could to avoid them. He knew they hated him, had reason to even, but he didn't want to face them. He also knew that Jo must be wondering where he had disappeared to. It had been a couple of weeks since he had come to visit her in the hospital and he had only called a few times. Every time he called he could hear the unasked questions lingering in her voice. If she had been alone he was sure she would have asked him question after question about his lies and deceit. She must have known by now that he never called her parents, that he didn't want them here with her. She would want to know why and he couldn't even come up with a believable excuse, so he decided it would be best to avoid her altogether.

He wasn't exactly sure why he was at the hospital now. It was late, far past visiting hours, but the hospital staff was very lenient when it came to Jo's visitors anyway. They knew she was in poor shape and needed someone with her most of the time. He wondered if she was alone. He hoped she was because running into Rose or Charlie was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted to see his wife, check on her and know she was doing okay. Then he would slip out hopefully unnoticed. He gently tiptoed into the room, letting his eyes adjust to the light he could tell the chairs in the room were empty. She was alone. He watched as the monitors flickered and beeped. Jo's face was frozen in a painful scowl as she slept, her whole body tense with pain and stress. Kyle sat down in a chair near her bed and watched her chest rise and fall as she slept.

He sat for what seemed like forever, just staring at his wife as she slept restlessly. He was scared she would wake-up, want to talk to him, so he decided it would be safest to leave. He grabbed a piece of paper from the nightstand and scribbled out a note, making it sound like he was sorry she had been asleep when he came to visit, instead of admitting he had planned it that way all along. He sat the note on the bedside table and was startled when he turned towards the door and noticed he was no longer alone.

"What're you doing here?" Rose asked angrily. Kyle couldn't help but notice that the angry scowl on her face was similar to the painful one Jo wore during her restless sleep. "I asked you a question," Rose said fiercely. "You haven't been around here in how long now? And you just show up in the middle of the night? What're you doing here?"

"I came to see my wife," Kyle could hear the nervousness in his voice, but he was sure Rose couldn't. She would think he was calm and collected as always. Besides, he was pretty sure she was frightened of him and wouldn't cause too much trouble.

"Your wife is asleep," Rose reminded him. "It's the middle of the night. Why didn't you wait and come in the morning?"

"I have to be at the studio early…all day," Kyle lied. "We're doing a big album. I can't get away very often, but I wanted to come check on Jo. She looks good. She seems to be doing better…"

"How the hell would you know?" Rose asked spitefully. She motioned for Kyle to follow her into the hallway so they would not disturb Jo's rest and then she continued. "You haven't been here in at least two weeks. You've called her two or three times at the most. Worst of all, you didn't even let Charlie and me know our own daughter was nearly dead…so don't pretend you came up here to check on her. You don't care about her at all."

"I love her," Kyle argued. "She's my wife. I would've been here more if I could've. And as for you and Charlie…yeah…maybe I lied about calling you. But that was for her own good. Where have the two of you been for the past seven years? She doesn't need you coming back into her life right now when she is dealing with so much."

"We are her parents," Rose yelled. "We love her and she does need us!"

"I'm sure she'd glad you're here now," Kyle said sternly. "But she would've been fine without you here. I'm sure you being here is causing her more stress anyway. Now she has to pretend to be okay for you…keep you from worrying. I wanted to spare her that."

"She is not pretending to be okay for me," Rose insisted. "She's not okay. She's trying to get through this the best she can, but she needs some support. You're not here to give it…someone has to. And I will admit I am grateful you're not around. I don't trust you…"

Kyle laughed sarcastically. "You don't trust me?" he snickered. "Well too damn bad. That is not my problem. Jo loves me and she knows I would never do anything to hurt her. That's all that matters."

"She's going to see the truth," Rose said seriously. "And when she does…your whole world is going to crumble down around you. The lies…the pain you've caused…you're going to live to regret it."

Kyle shook his head in disgust of his mother-in-law. Her empty threats were meaningless to him. She didn't know who she was messing with. "Tell Jo I came by," he waved and smiled as he walked away from her. The he turned back to look at her and spoke with false pleasure, "Tell her I love her and I miss her." He winked, "See you soon Mom," he snickered.

Rose felt a chill up her spine as she watched him slither onto the elevator. She hated him…wanted him as far away from her family as possible. But she didn't know how to make that happen.


	43. Chapter 43

She was somewhere in between sleep and wakefulness. Something had disturbed her rest, but she wasn't sure exactly what it was. A voice…maybe two? Arguing? Jo tried to open her eyes, but exhaustion kept them heavily closed. Who was arguing? Were they arguing over her? What was going on? Before she could think about the situation any longer her mind began to wander, floating back to a dream-like state.

She wanted to go home, to be with Jamie…take care of her like a mother should care for her child. That was all she had ever wanted, from the first moment she and Rick had decided to keep his illegitimate daughter…to be honest, probably from the second April had tossed the baby into her arms and ran off. She loved Jamie, as much as any mother could love her child. That was why when April came and took her away; Jo had vowed to do whatever it took to get her back. It had taken more years than she had thought, but when the opportunity arose to get her little girl back, she jumped at it. It didn't matter what she had to do to make it happen.

Rick had gone to the social services agency and given them Jamie's birth certificate. It was actually much easier than either of them had anticipated. He was her father after all; he had every right to take her. Convincing Kyle that taking in a foster child was a good idea was the hard part. He had given in though, once he realized Jo meant business. She would leave if he didn't let her do this. The day she had met Rick in the park, hugged the little girl and played with her, knowing she was coming home once and for all; that had been the happiest day of her life. Figuring out how to keep their lives in such a happy state, how to avoid April showing up to reclaim her daughter was the hard part.

Jamie adjusted well to living with them, and Kyle made a genuine effort to be a loving and supportive parent. Before long it was obvious that he loved the little girl almost as much as Jo did. So when Jo suggested they adopt her, he was ready and accepting. The only problem was April. She had spent a couple of weeks in jail, and then was let out and back to her old ways. Doing drugs, making money as a prostitute. She hadn't gone to family services to try to reclaim Jamie, but Jo knew it was only a matter of time. The only thing she could think of was to disappear with the little girl, make it impossible for April to track them down. Since she and Rick had schemed to get Jamie to live with her, had not really gone through the foster care system, it wouldn't be as hard as it could have been.

When she called Rick in California and asked him to find a job for Kyle at the recording studio he had been hesitant. But then she had reminded him that if they lived closer he would be able to see Jamie more often, watch her grow up and that had been all the persuasion he needed. Then she had to convince Kyle that a move was the right decision. He didn't want to leave New York, but Jo pleaded her case, arguing that they could have a better life in LA. When he asked how they were supposed to get by with leaving the state with a foster child, Jo told him that they had been approved to adopt her and moving would be a nice fresh start for all of them. He finally gave in without question. Finally, Jo had called Blair and asked her to meet her for lunch. Over sandwiches and coffee she told her the whole story, the complete truth. Blair sat in shock and said very little. It was obvious that she didn't know what to say. Then Jo did something she never thought she would do; she asked her friend for money to help cover her tracks. She needed money for the move, money to get a fake birth certificate for Jamie, money in case the situation turned bad. And against her better judgment, Blair had given her the money.

It was later in the week, while she was running some errands that Jo saw April again. She was working on the street corner and spotted Jo right away. She wasn't as strung out this time, and recognized her immediately. Jo stood there while April yelled at her, screamed that she was clean and was going to get Jamie back. Jo knew she had to do something. She couldn't let April go to social services. She tried to calm her down, told her she'd meet her the next day at her apartment. When Jo walked away April was still screaming, calling her a kidnapper and telling her she'd be sorry.

Jo drove around for hours, trying to figure out what to do. The whole plan was crashing down around her. She could not lose Jamie again. She wouldn't let that happen. Her pulse was racing and she felt sick to her stomach. Maybe they could leave for LA that night, be out of town by the time April tried to contact social services? But she knew that plan was hopeless. Kyle would never leave on such short notice, and besides social services thought Jamie was with Rick. They would contact him and he would have to show up in court with the little girl. Jo pulled her car into the police station parking lot. She screamed and cried, unable to control her emotions anymore. She was going to lose Jamie again. And when Kyle found out about her lies, she was going to lose him too.

She was not going to let that happen. She knew what she had to do. She cleared her throat and wiped her tear-stained cheeks. She slammed the car door and walked into the police station, avoiding contact with anyone. She was going to get rid of April for good. She had no choice. She didn't want to do it, but Jamie's life was at stake here and she could not let April destroy her little girl.

The following afternoon she sat in her car and stared emotionless as the coroner's office carried April's lifeless body away. She didn't know what to think, what to do. She felt immense grief for what had happened, but relief as well. She knew April would not bother them anymore. She drove home and didn't even remember how she had gotten there. She was in a daze. Kyle asked her over and over what was bothering her and she told him she didn't feel well. Then she went into Jamie's room and cuddled with the little girl. Less than a month later they were safe and sound in LA.

"I didn't do it…" Jo's voice sputtered painfully in her sleep. "I didn't hurt her…it wasn't me…" she cried.

"Jo…" Rose gently shook her daughter awake. "Sweetheart…what's wrong? What are you talking about? Who is hurt?"

Jo's eyes fluttered open. She was out of breath and her pulse was racing. "What?" she asked anxiously.

"You said you didn't hurt her?" Rose explained softly. "Who are you talking about?"

Jo tried to calm down from the dream. She looked her mother in the eye, her own eyes filling with stinging tears. "No one…" she cried. "I just had a nightmare…"

"Sweetheart," Rose hugged her. "Don't cry. Everything is alright."

Jo knew in her heart that everything was not alright. In fact, so much was wrong that she didn't think she'd ever be able to fix any of it. "I need to talk to Rick," she whispered. "Can you call him and ask him to come up here?"

Rose looked confused, "Why honey? What's the matter?"

Jo closed her eyes, "I need to talk to him about Jamie…I need to talk to him now…"

"Jo," Rose looked sadly at her daughter. "Honey…something is wrong. What's wrong? You're scaring me…"

"I'm sorry Ma…" Jo cried. "I did something awful. I need to talk to Rick…please…"

Rose looked fearfully at her daughter and nodded. Then she picked up the phone and called her ex-son-in-law. Whatever was going on, she knew it was bad. She wished Jo trusted her enough to let her help.


	44. Chapter 44

"What's going on?" Rick asked anxiously as he rushed into his ex-wife's hospital room. "Are you okay?" He looked at Rose, "Is she okay?"

Rose shrugged, "She wanted you…she wanted to talk to you, but she fell asleep. It's from her meds...she can't stay awake even if she tries." She sighed, "I'm sorry I called you out in the middle of the night, but she was so upset. She said she needed to talk to you about Jamie…about something…she said she did something bad…"

Rick could see how flustered Rose was becoming. She was obviously worried about what Jo had done, why she had insisted on talking to him. He had his own suspicions and was pretty worried himself. He watched as Jo slept restlessly and wondered how long it would be before she woke up again. "Rose…why don't you go ahead and go back to the hotel," he suggested. "I can stay here until she wakes up again."

"Oh…no…I don't think that's a good idea," Rose said fretfully. "I don't want her to wake up and wonder where I am. I went out to breakfast a couple of days ago and when I came back she was awake and she was sick and all alone…she needs me."

"I'll be here," Rick insisted. "She'll be okay…"

"But she's…she just isn't feeling well and I'm worried," Rose sighed. She had almost said something about the pregnancy, but then she realized that maybe Jo hadn't told anyone else.

Rick nodded knowingly, "I know she doesn't feel well, but I'm here and she will be fine. If she needs to talk to me I think we should be alone. Besides, you are up here day and night. You need some rest too, so you can take good care of her. Please…" he put his hand gently on her shoulder, "Go to hotel and get some rest."

"Kyle was here," Rose said reluctantly. "A while ago. He left her a note." She motioned towards the table. Then she looked seriously at Rick, her voice intense, "He's your friend…I know that, but I need you to be honest with me. Is he dangerous? Is Jo in danger…or Jamie? I'm worried sick about them."

Rick shook his head, "Rose, Kyle isn't going to hurt Jo or Jamie. I admit that I am worried about some of his behavior lately, but he loves Jo and Jamie. He would never hurt either one of them. I know that."

Rose nodded sadly, "I don't trust him," she let a few tears slide down her cheeks. "I don't like him and he scares me. And Jo…she is so sick. I'm scared about what might happen to her."

Rick hugged her close, "I know all of this is scary for you. Jo's going to be alright though and everything will get back to normal. I'm sure of it." He looked at his ex-wife, sleeping painfully in the bed across from him and wondered if any of them would ever be able to live normally again.


	45. Chapter 45

Rick sat in silence as Jo slept. She didn't look restful at all. Obviously she was in a lot of pain and it made him cringe to see her like that. When Rose had called and asked him to come to the hospital he had been worried that something terrible had happened. Now he wondered what Jo needed to tell him so badly. He knew he had opened a can of worms when he asked her to tell him the truth about what had happened to April. He wished he had kept his mouth shut. He wasn't sure he wanted to know the truth anymore.

Jo moaned softly and Rick stood over her, checking to make sure she was alright. She moaned again and opened her eyes, looking at him briefly and then closing them again. "Are you okay?" Rick asked with concern. "Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?"

Jo cleared her throat and sighed as she opened her eyes again, "What time is it?" she asked, her throat dry and scratchy.

Rick looked at his watch and smiled, "3:00 in the morning," he answered. "Guess we're both a couple of night owls tonight." He sat back down in the chair. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Jo yawned. "I'm fine. Really," she swallowed and tried again to clear her throat. "My mouth is so dry."

"Can you have a drink of water or anything?" Rick asked, unsure of what they were letting her have.

"Yeah," Jo said in a breathy whisper. Rick went to the sink and filled a glass. Then he brought it back to her. "I have to use a straw," she said slowly. "In the drawer…" Rick opened the drawer and slipped a straw into the cup. Then he held it to her mouth while she took a long drink. "Thanks," Jo sighed as Rick put the cup on the nightstand. "I wish I could sit up so I could eat and drink like a normal person."

Rick nodded, "I know it's rough." He sat back in the chair. "How are you doing on the IV nutrients?"

"Fine," Jo answered. "They wanted to do a feeding tube, but I convinced them I could handle the IV better. So they are doing that and also having me sip some calorie shakes with the straws."

"Is that enough?" Rick asked. "For you and the…" he stopped, but sure if she wanted him to mention the baby. "Are you getting enough food that way?"

Jo appreciated his concern for her and the baby. She smiled slightly, "It's been okay. I am starting to feel hungry more often though. The nurse said they might be able to raise my bed at an angle and let me have some solid food soon."

Rick nodded, "That's good." His face turned serious as he tried to find the right words to ask the next question. "Jo…" he began. "It's 3:00 in the morning and I'm up here because your mom called me and said you needed to talk to me. What's going on?"

Jo took a deep breath. She barely remembered asking her mother to call Rick and now she wished she hadn't. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have had her call you so late."

"Jo, I don't mind, but I want to know what's going on…" he paused and spoke in a whisper, "She said it was about Jamie. That you told her you did something bad. Jo…you know that I trust you. I know you are the best parent Jamie could ever have. But what happened? Just tell me and then we can put it behind us."

Jo felt the tears welling in her eyes. She knew he thought she killed April. She didn't blame him for thinking it, but it still hurt. "I didn't kill April," Jo said softly. "I didn't…it wasn't me."

Rick grabbed her hand and held it tight. "Okay…I believe you. Then tell me what happened…what did you do?"

Jo closed her eyes. She pictured the events in her mind and then opened her eyes and looked at Rick. "I saw April," she began slowly. "After I'd already talked to you about getting Kyle a job here in LA. She was clean for once and she started talking about Jamie…about getting her back. She wouldn't listen to me and I was afraid. I couldn't let her take Jamie again…you know? She was going to ruin my daughter's life. I couldn't let her do that."

"Jo…what happened next?" Rick asked nervously.

Jo tried to hold back the tears that were stinging her eyes. "I told April I'd meet her at her apartment the next day, that we could talk about things…work out an agreement about Jamie. Then I drove around trying to figure out what to do." She wiped away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "Rick…I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm not in good shape. I'm afraid something will go wrong and I won't make it. If I…" he words shook, "If I die…I don't think Kyle can take care of Jamie. I don't know what to do. And legally she doesn't even belong to him." She put her hands over her face and sobbed.

"You are not going to die," Rick insisted. "Jo…you're going to be okay. You're going to go home and everything will be alright. I promise." He squeezed her hand and let her cry.

"I went to the police station," Jo cleared her throat and continued her story. Rick thought she seemed out of it, talking one minute about dying and the next about the past, but he decided it would be best to let her speak her mind. "I went to the evidence room," Jo said slowly. "We had a lot of stuff there from cases that were never even going to make it to court. I knew I could get a hold of some drugs. I wanted to plant them in April's apartment, and then call the police and report her. I knew it was wrong."

"Jo, I know you. You were not thinking clearly. You would never do something like that otherwise," Rick assured her.

Jo shook her head slowly, "That's the thing…I was thinking clearly. I went over the risks again and again in my mind. I knew exactly what to do and how to do it. I knew I could go to jail for stealing evidence, for planting it in her apartment, for framing and innocent person…but I didn't care. None of that mattered. If Jamie went back to April, my life was going to be over anyway. I figured I might as well spend it behind bars."

"What happened next?" Rick asked. "How did April die?"

"Drug overdose," Jo said quickly. "Just like I told you back then. I showed up at her apartment the next day but there was no answer. I figured she'd left, not wanting to really meet with me. So I decided to let myself into her apartment and plant the drugs. It seemed like a blessing that she wasn't there…but…by the time I managed to get the door open…" She let out a deep breath, "She was lying in the floor. Her eyes were staring up at me…they were so empty…so cold." She started to cry again and Rick gently stroked her cheek, wiping away the tears. "Jamie has April's eyes, and when I think back to that day…it's like I am looking into my little girls face and it scares me."

"Oh Jo…I wish you hadn't seen that," Rick said sincerely. "I really do."

"I just stood and stared at her. I thought maybe I should try CPR but part of me was afraid to save her. It was only a few seconds though…I realized I should try, but when I touched her she was stiff and cold. I knew she was gone." Jo sighed, "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't let anyone find me there. I ran back to my car and sat for a while. Then I walked over to a payphone on the corner and called 911. I didn't tell them who I was. Then I sat in my car and watched the ambulance, the police, the coroner…I watched them carry her away." She started to sob again, her words barely audible. "I was relieved. I was glad she was gone. What kind of person am I? How could I be glad to see another human being dead like that?"

"Jo…you didn't do anything," Rick tried to soother her. "And I don't blame you for being glad April was gone. Jamie never should have had a mother like her in the first place. That was my fault. And I'll never forgive myself for it." He let his own tears fall. "This whole mess is my fault."

"We've really screwed things up Rick," Jo cried. "I lied to Kyle and told him we had legally adopted Jamie. I had a birth certificate made for her with our names on it. Jamie isn't the person she thinks she is and eventually that is going to be a problem. And if something happens to me…what happens to her?"

"Do you want to tell everyone the truth?" Rick asked. "Is that what you're saying?"

"I can't…" Jo cried. "Kyle won't forgive me. And Jamie will hate me. I let her mother die."

"You are her mother Jo," Rick insisted. "And you didn't let April die. She was an addict. She overdosed and she was already dead when you go there."

"Promise me you'll take care of her," Jo cried. "If something happens to me…please."

"I promise," Rick whispered. "But you are going to be fine."

"I'm tired," Jo's eyes fluttered and she seemed barely able to stay awake. "I need to sleep."

"Go to sleep," Rick pulled the covers up under her chin. He looked down at her and brushed her hair out of her face, "I'm glad you told me the truth," he whispered. "I'm sorry I thought you had hurt April. I should've known you wouldn't do that…"

"I would've," Jo admitted. "And that's what scares me the most."

Rick squeezed her hand one last time, "Go to sleep," he whispered. "Don't think about it anymore."


	46. Chapter 46

"Ma?" Jo asked when she opened her eyes. Her mother rushed to her side and brushed the hair away from her face. "Did Rick leave?"

"When I got back here I told him he could go," Rose said softly. "About an hour ago. It was nice of him to stay so I could rest at the hotel."

"You don't have to stay every night," Jo whispered. "You should stay at the hotel. You need your sleep too."

"I'm just fine," Rose kissed her daughter on the forehead and sat in the chair next to her. "How are you feeling sweetie? Do you need anything?"

"I feel okay…I'm starving." She put her hand gently on her stomach and sighed, "I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I am so hungry all the time. I hate that feeling…"

"Oh sweetheart…" Rose chuckled lightly. "What do you mean you don't know what's wrong? The baby is hungry sweetie." She put her hand on her daughter's stomach and smiled, "I think you're starting to show a little. The baby's getting bigger and needs to eat."

"No!" Jo's face was stricken with panic and Rose wasn't really sure why. "Ma…no…I am not starting to show. I can't…"

"Jo…what's wrong?" Rose asked nervously.

"I cannot start showing…not yet," Jo cried. "Ma….people are going to know…I can't let them."

Rose shook her head with confusion, "Sweetie, you didn't really think you could hide this forever…did you? Honey…it's okay. What did you think people were going to say when you brought the baby home?"

Jo knew she should have told her mother before now that she was giving the baby up for adoption, but she hadn't had the heart to do it. When she told her she was pregnant her mother and had been so supportive of the pain she was going through, and since then had not really mentioned the baby because she knew Jo was still having a hard time talking about it. Jo hadn't wanted to bring it up; in fact she had been afraid of what her mother would think or say. She was scared to face that.

"Ma…" Jo let her tears fall. "You didn't tell anyone about the baby…did you?"

"No sweetie," Rose wiped her tears and looked sadly at her daughter. "Of course not. I know you are still trying to come to terms with this. I would never tell anyone before you were ready."

"I don't want anyone to know," Jo sobbed. "Please…no one."

"Jo…honey…I am not going to tell anyone," Rose promised. "But sweetie…they are going to be able to tell eventually."

"Jamie can't find out," Jo insisted. "Never…it would be too much for her."

"Well she's going to have to eventually Jo," Rose was still baffled by her daughter's words. "I think she'll be happy. She's been an only child for a long time and maybe she'd love to be a big sister."

"That's what I'm scared of…" Jo cried and tried to control herself. She hated being so worked up and she knew her mother could barely understand her through the sobs. "Ma…I'm not keeping this baby."

Rose looked at her daughter without saying anything. She didn't know what to say. She was ashamed of herself for forcing Jo to tell her she was giving the baby up. She should have known; should have understood that keeping the baby would be too painful for her. But inside her own heart was breaking. This was her grandchild and she wanted to hold that baby, cuddle him, and watch him grow up. She tried to keep her own tears from sliding down her cheeks, but she couldn't.

"I'm sorry…" Jo whimpered. "Please don't cry. I know you want me to keep the baby…"she sobbed. "But I can't…I just can't…"

"No sweetie…" Rose held her close and kissed her gently. "I know you can't…I understand why…and I know it breaks your heart."

"I want to love this baby," Jo said sadly. "But…I'm scared he will always remind me of the attack. No child should have to live with that…I could never do that to my baby. I know it makes me a bad person…that I can't get past this…I hate myself for it…"

"You are not a bad person," Rose assured her. "You're doing what's best for the baby…and for you. It's brave…and hard…and I'm proud of you."

Jo sniffled. "There is a small chance that the baby is Kyle's. They're gonna do an amnio soon and check. If it is, I'm gonna keep it."

"You want to keep it…don't you?" Rose asked gently. "You want to be able to love this baby?" She sighed, "God Jo…this must be so painful for you. Sweetie…I am so sorry…"

"Just don't tell anyone okay?" Jo asked nervously. "Blair and Mrs. G know…and Rick and Kyle, but that's it. No one else…please? Jamie can't ever know…"

"Okay," Rose wiped her own tears. "I won't tell anyone."


	47. Chapter 47

"Knock, knock…" Blair's voice was cheerful as she walked into her friend's hospital room a few weeks later. "I'm back…did you miss me?"

Jo looked at her and sighed, "Yeah…I missed you." She hadn't expected to see Blair any time soon. She was sure she was going to be spending as much time as possible in New York with Tad. It wasn't that she wasn't happy to see her, she was just surprised. "Thanks for sending my folks here…and for paying for their hotel. You didn't have to…"

"Yes I did," Blair sat beside her and smiled. "You needed them. And Jo, they need you too. They want to be a part of your life…to take care of you."

"I know," Jo nodded. "So thanks…"

"How are you doing?" Blair asked quickly. "Are you feeling good? You look good…really good. So much better than the last time I saw you."

"I feel okay," Jo said seriously. "They're letting me sit up again…thank God."

"Did your pelvic fracture heal?" Blair asked. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"There's no way for them to tell for sure," Jo explained. "But it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm starting physical therapy today and we'll see how that goes. If I can start doing some things on my own I might be able to go home soon."

"Really?" Blair smiled. "Oh Jo…that's great! I bet Kyle and Jamie are thrilled."

"Jamie's excited," Jo nodded. "Kyle…I don't know. I haven't really seen him much. I had to beg him to come up here yesterday so they could take a blood sample from him." Her face turned sullen, "They did the amnio yesterday…to see who the baby's father is."

"What were the results?" Blair asked nervously.

"I don't know yet," Jo answered. "They said it could take a few days."

"It must be hard…waiting," Blair said sincerely.

"Yeah…but I'm kinda scared to find out for sure," Jo admitted. "No matter what the results are…it's gonna be scary. Either I'm gonna have a baby and give it away…or I'm gonna have a baby and bring home someone who depends on me for its every need."

"You'd be a great mom Jo," Blair smiled. "You're a great mom to Jamie and adding a little baby would complete things."

"Well, I think Jamie is going to be an only child," Jo said seriously. "I have to be realistic. This baby isn't Kyle's. And you know…I feel so detached…haven't let myself feel close to the baby…it's probably for the best."

Blair could tell Jo was trying to justify to herself that giving the baby away was the right thing to do and it made her sad for her friend. She decided to change the subject, "So…anything else going on that I've missed out on since I went to New York?"

"Not much," Jo forced a laugh. She put her hand on the slight swell of her stomach and sighed, "I'm turning into a blimp…you've missed that."

"Aawww," Blair put her hand on top of Jo's and smiled. "I think you look cute. I can't believe you're what…sixteen weeks already? Wow…"

"I know," Jo nodded. "And I think it's gonna be harder to hide than I thought. Right now, with the hospital gown it's no big deal, but when I go home and have to wear regular clothes…"

"Just tell people you've put on some weight lying in bed for so long," Blair suggested.

"Yeah…I guess I can do that," Jo nodded. "So…what about you? How are your baby plans coming?"

Blair shook her head sadly, "No luck so far."

"I'm sorry," Jo said sadly. "Blair…you deserve a baby." Suddenly she burst into tears and Blair wasn't really sure why.

"It's okay Jo…we have time," Blair assured her. "We haven't been trying for very long."

"It's not that," Jo cried. "It's just…you are trying so hard to have a baby, and here I am ready to give this one away. It doesn't seem right. You must hate me."

"No," Blair said quickly. "I don't. I feel awful for you Jo, because I know you…and I know that no matter how much you try to pretend like you've stayed detached from this baby…I know that you love him."

"Kyle is leaving me," Jo continued to sob. "He said even if the baby is his…he's leaving. He said that he can't handle this anymore.

"What?" Blair asked. "When? When did he say that?"

"Yesterday…when he came for the blood test," Jo cried. "I haven't told anyone…I couldn't."

"This is not your fault Jo," Blair insisted. "It's Kyle's. He's been sneaky and lying about things since this whole thing happened."

"I know," Jo continued to cry. "But I don't know why. I want to know why."

"I'm sorry," Blair squeezed her hand.

"He said he's moving to a hotel when I come home," Jo sniffled. "He said maybe we should tell Jamie he has to leave for work. I don't know what to do…and I don't want her hurt in all of this."

"Jo…just try to calm down," Blair stroked her friend's dark hair. "We'll figure this out. It's going to be alright."

"How can he just leave…even if the baby is his?" Jo asked sadly. "Something is not right. He isn't acting like himself at all. I'm scared…"

"I know you are," Blair said softly. "But you're not alone. Everything is going to be okay."


	48. Chapter 48

Jo was exhausted. Four days of physical therapy seemed like no big deal to the outside eye, and in her mind she knew it probably shouldn't be a big thing, but her body ached. She hadn't used her muscles in so long that they had literally turned to mush and it took all the strength she had to even try to move them. And now, when she could finally lie back in bed and relax, she was in too much pain to sleep. All she wanted to do was cry.

Luckily her mother had been spending more time at the hotel and leaving her alone for part of the day. Jo knew if her mother could see the shape she was in after therapy that she would never leave her side and she didn't want that. Her father came to see her once or twice a day, but for the most part he stayed away. Jo knew it was because he hated the hospital; couldn't stomach the thought of her being there or what had happened to put her there and she didn't blame him. She appreciated that he tried to be there for her. She still hadn't told him she was pregnant and she knew her mother hadn't either. He was another person she would prefer not to ever tell. She knew it would be too hard for him.

"Jo?" Mrs. Garrett's voice was calm and soft as she walked into the room. Jo glanced over to the doorway and wanted to welcome her with a smile, but she was too tired. Mrs. Garrett walked over to the bed. "How are you holding up? You look exhausted."

"I am," Jo realized her voice sounded like a pitiful groan and she hadn't meant for that to happen. "I'm sore…and tired…from therapy."

"I know," Mrs. Garrett sat next to her, her face serious. "Physical therapy is very hard Jo. I know that. Do you want to talk about it?"

Jo felt the familiar tears coming to her eyes. She was mad at herself for crying again. It seemed like all she ever did anymore. "It just hurts," she admitted. "And I can't do everything they want me to do. I still can't stand on my own. What if I never can?"

"Oh sweetie, it's been four months. Your muscles are very weak," Mrs. Garrett took her hand and held it tight. "You'll get stronger. It takes time."

"They've been having me try to stand," Jo told her. "At first they wanted me to try to balance myself with the bars, but I couldn't because my arms are almost as weak as my legs. Then they had the nurse hold me up, but as soon as I put my weight on the floor and try to stand, I get a horrific pain in my back that literally knocks me over."

"You have a lot of muscle damage in your back too," Mrs. Garrett remembered. "That's probably a lot of it. But you're doing well…you're healing."

Jo shook her head, "The therapist said that even if I get to the point where I can stand and walk by myself, I will probably still have those debilitating back pains. He said that I could just be standing or walking and one of the pains could hit and I'll fall over because of the pain in my back…without warning."

"Oh no," Mrs. Garrett looked sadly at her. She could tell Jo was scared and hurting and she didn't know what to say to make her feel better. "Did he say what they are going to do?"

Jo shrugged, "He said we'd keep trying. But Mrs. G…what about the baby? What if I fall during therapy and it hurts the baby? I'm scared of falling…"

"I know sweetie," Mrs. Garrett smiled gently. "But they are not going to let you fall. There will be someone there to support you. The baby is going to be just fine."

"And after?" Jo asked. "When I go home? How am I going to take care of Jamie? What if I fall, and it scares her? Or I end up going into labor? What if the weight from the pregnancy makes it hard for me to walk? The doctor said that might happen…"

"Jo…you have to stop worrying," Mrs. Garrett rubbed her shoulders. "I know it's scary…not knowing what could happen. But you've made it this far, and I know things are going to keep getting better."

"I hope so," Jo sighed. "This is just so overwhelming. I never thought I'd be so dependent on others. And I'm scared of ending up in a wheelchair…and all the weight I'm putting on, I just don't know how my back is going to heal."

"Oh honey," Mrs. Garrett continued to massage her shoulders and could feel Jo starting to relax. "You may need a wheelchair for a while, but you'll get used to it. And you have not put on a lot of weight."

"Five pounds," Jo argued. "I've gained five pounds."

"That's not very much. You're going to gain a lot more. So maybe you should try to calm down about it. And if it does interfere with your therapy and the healing of your back, you'll just have to take small steps," Edna looked seriously at her. "Small steps are okay."

"Hello?" the doctor's voice interrupted their conversation and both women turned to look at him. "Jo…can we talk alone?"

Jo shook her head, "I want Mrs. G. to stay. Do you have the amnio results?"

The doctor nodded and sat in the chair on the other side of her bed. "We tested for a lot of different things…disabilities, birth defects, neurological and developmental issues." He forced a weak smile. He knew the pregnancy was not a happy one for his patient and didn't want to give the impression that he thought it was. "Everything was just fine. The baby appears very healthy."

"Good," Jo's voice lacked emotion. Inside her emotions were building, but she couldn't express them. "What about the paternity test? I have to know."

The doctor didn't seem to want to look her in the eye. He shifted in the chair, "I'm sorry. Your husband is not the baby's father."

Jo felt her heart pounding and even though she knew what the doctor was going to say, she felt sick inside. "You're sure?" her voice shook and Mrs. Garrett reached over and held her.

"Positive…I'm sorry…I know you were hoping," the doctor said sadly.

"It's okay," Jo let a few tears slide down her cheeks. "I knew…" She cried harder and let Mrs. Garrett hold her.

The doctor sat in silence as Jo cried and Mrs. Garrett tried to comfort her. He didn't know what to say and felt uncomfortable, but he couldn't leave. He needed to finish going over the test results. "Jo," he said gently. "I'm sorry to interrupt…I know you need time…"

"No," Jo cleared her throat and forced herself to stop crying. "Go ahead."

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" the doctor asked. "I have it here in the report."

Jo looked at him with sorrow. "No," she said softly. "I don't want to know. This isn't going to be my baby…so I'd rather not know."

"Jo…are you sure?" Mrs. Garrett asked sadly.

"I'm sure," Jo nodded. "It'll be easier. If I know for sure that it is a boy or a girl, I'm gonna start thinking more about the baby…what it's gonna look like…and I just can't…" her voice trailed off as she began to sob once more.

"Okay," the doctor said gently. "But if you change your mind…just ask." He stood up and walked to the door.

"Mrs. G?" Jo's words shook through her tears. "I don't even know who to contact about giving this baby up for adoption. How can I just call some agency and say that I want to give a baby away?"

"Honey, you have time to think about this," Mrs. Garrett tried to reassure her even though her own heart was breaking as well. "Don't rush into anything."

"I made up my mind," Jo argued. "I'm not changing it. This is not my baby…it's going to be someone else's. Someone who will love him and want him. I just don't know where to start to make it happen."

Mrs. Garrett closed her eyes, trying to mask her own tears, "Do you want me to look into it for you? I can do that."

"Thanks," Jo nodded. "I appreciate that." She closed her eyes and spoke in a breathy whisper, "Do you mind if I take a nap? I'm really tired."

"Go to sleep," Mrs. Garrett kissed her on the forehead. Then she walked towards the door, stopping to look back. Jo's eyes were closed, but muffled sobs were escaping her lips. Her hand was resting on the slight swell of her stomach. Although she wanted to rush back to her, hug her and tell her things would be okay, Mrs. Garrett knew Jo needed time to grieve on her own. She wiped away her own tears and silently walked out into the hallway…it was one of the hardest things she had ever done.


	49. Chapter 49

"What're you doing here?" Jo asked with disgust as she watched her husband walk through the door the following day.

Kyle walked over to her bed and sat down. Jo couldn't help but notice how he looked like nothing was out of the ordinary. "How are you?" he asked with a tone that could pass for sincere if Jo hadn't known better. "You okay?"

"Why are you here?" Jo asked again, speaking each word slowly and with emphasis. "I don't want you here."

"Jo…I know you're upset," Kyle said calmly.

"Upset?" Jo interrupted with fury. "I'm more than upset…I hate you…just get out before I call the nurse and have security throw you out!"

"You have every right to be mad," Kyle said softly. "I'm sorry you're hurt. I'm sorry things have turned out like this. But Jo…you don't understand everything about this…and I can't explain it to you. I wish I could."

"I don't understand?" Jo snickered. "You know what I do understand? You're a liar. You said you wanted a baby for years knowing we could never have one. You said our family meant the world to you, and now you can't even stand to look at me…even though you know this is not my fault. I didn't deserve this…"

"No…you didn't," Kyle interrupted. "And Jo, I know that. I love you."

Jo shook her head sadly, "No you don't. If you did, you wouldn't have come in here and said you were leaving without giving me any explanation. You wouldn't have fought the paternity test or made me go through the amnio alone. You wouldn't be hiding out at work all the time instead of coming to see me. I know we had problems before the attack…maybe this mess just gave you the excuse you'd been waiting for to leave. And that's fine, but don't sit there and lie and say you love me."

She expected him to argue with her but he didn't, confirming her insistence that their love was a sham. Kyle looked at her and let out a deep sigh, "Did you get the results of the paternity test?" he asked.

"It's not yours," Jo said blatantly. "So you don't have to pretend to care."

Kyle nodded, "Jo, I know…"

"You don't know anything!" Jo shouted. "Just get the hell out and leave me alone."

"I have to leave for a while," Kyle said quickly. "Go out of town. I wanted you to know."

"What about Jamie?" Jo asked anxiously. "What're you going to tell her?"

"I already told her and Mrs. Garrett that I was leaving town on business," Kyle explained. "Mrs. Garrett agreed to watch her until you get released."

"Kyle…" Jo shook her head in confusion. "Why won't you just tell me the truth? Why won't you be honest with me?"

Kyle acted as if he hadn't even heard her. "I wanted to know if you need anything before I leave?"

"What? Are you going to run out now and get me the chocolate chip ice cream I'm craving?" Jo sputtered sarcastically. "I don't need anything from you…ever! I want you out of my life. All I need from you are divorce papers."

Kyle nodded, "Okay," he whispered. "I'll send them. Once I get settled." He stood up and headed toward the door. "Take care," he mumbled as he walked out.

Jo watched him leave and she was more confused than ever. She didn't know what to think; what to feel. She wondered how she could ever have loved him, and deep down she was disgusted with herself because she knew she still did. She felt like a fool and she knew something was terribly wrong. She could sense the danger and it scared her, but since she didn't know the truth about what was happening, she was helpless as well.


	50. Chapter 50

Kyle walked into the diner and spotted Rick right away. He waved to his friend and slowly made his way to the booth. "Thanks for meeting me," he said as he sat down. The waitress brought coffee and the two men stared at each other, neither one saying much for quite a while.

Finally Rick broke the silence, "So…what did you want to talk about?" he asked. He had been suspicious of Kyle for a while now and he knew he had to find out once and for all what was going on. He was worried about Jamie and Jo.

"I'm leaving town for a while," Kyle said as he sipped his coffee. "I'm not going to be working at the studio anymore."

"You haven't been working at the studio for a while," Rick said knowingly. "What the hell is going on?"

Kyle was wringing his hands nervously. He looked at Rick, his eyes dark and secretive. "I have to leave town…that's all I can say."

"What have you gotten yourself into?" Rick lowered his voice, his tone serious. "Kyle…tell me."

Kyle shook his head, "I can't. But everything will be okay. I just have to leave. Mrs. Garrett is going to take care of Jamie until Jo gets released."

"What about Jo? What about the baby?" Rick asked.

"Jo and I are getting divorced," Kyle said with little emotion. "And she's giving the baby up…it's not mine."

"I can't believe you," Rick said with bitterness. "You're leaving her because of the rape aren't you? How dare you…"

"I'm leaving her because I love her," Kyle argued. "She doesn't need me. She's better off without me. She's safer…"

"You're scaring me," Rick said honestly. "What is going on? Are Jo and Jamie in danger? Kyle…did you do something illegal? I know Rose claimed she saw you with some drug dealer years ago in the Bronx. Was that true? Are you involved in drug crimes or something?"

"Stop asking me stupid questions!" Kyle yelled. "I have to leave…that's all I'm telling you. My life is my business and not yours. I love Jo and Jamie and I'll make sure they are safe, but I have to leave." He stood up from the table, "Do me a favor?" he asked. "Be there for Jo. She's confused. I wish I could tell her the full story, but I can't. I know she's scared. Help her okay? And bring her chocolate chip ice cream…"

"You're not making sense…" Rick stood up and looked him in the eye. "Why are you doing this to her?"

Kyle shook his head and ignored his question. "She's been craving chocolate chip ice cream…so bring her some..please? I gotta go." Then he turned and ran out of the restaurant.


	51. Chapter 51

Rick peeked around the door. Jo was sitting up in bed, her dinner tray in front of her. Her face looked puffy, her eyes red from crying. He knew Kyle's erratic behavior had left her confused and hurt and he wished he knew what to do to help. "Hi," he said gently as he walked into the room.

"Hi," Jo sniffled and looked up at him. He could tell she was using all of her strength to hold back her tears.

"I didn't know you'd be having dinner," Rick sat the brown paper bag he was carrying next to her tray. "I brought you ice cream. I can ask one of the nurses to put it in the freezer if you're full from dinner."

Jo opened the bag, "No chance of that. I'm never full anymore." She pulled the pint from the bag and grabbed her spoon, popping off the lid and taking a bite. "You saw Kyle…didn't you?"

Rick nodded, "He left…I don't know what's going on but I have a bad feeling."

"Me too," Jo took another bite of her ice cream. "I think he's done something…I don't know…something criminal, or dangerous…"

"Or both," Rick added. "God Jo…I'm sorry. I wish I had been more honest with you when I knew he wasn't at work…"

Jo shook her head, "I knew." Rick noticed as she placed her hand softly on her stomach and took a sharp breath.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern. "Is something wrong?"

Jo shook her head, "No…it's nothing." She took another bite of the ice cream and Rick watched as she seemed to push gently on her stomach, an uncomfortable look on her face.

"Hey," he said softly. "Are you sure you're okay?" Instinctively he placed his own hand where she was pushing and when he felt the soft fluttering he smiled. "Is that the baby?" he asked.

"I guess," Jo said refusing to look him in the eye. She took another bite of the ice cream and the flutters continued.

"I think this little one likes ice cream," Rick said with a chuckle. He noticed the discontent on her face and let his own face turn somber. "You're not happy to feel the baby kick?"

Jo shrugged, "It's been going on for a couple of weeks. It's no big deal."

"Sure it is," Rick said softly. "It's okay to be excited about it."

"Excited?" Jo asked tearfully. "Excited about what?" She threw her spoon down and looked him in the eye. "This baby is not mine. I can't be excited. Everytime it moves all it does is remind me that I was brutally attacked and left for dead! But instead of dying…I was left here with the constant reminder…this baby that I can't keep…that I'll never see grow up…but that I have to carry inside of me."

"I'm sorry," Rick said gently. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's not you," Jo sniffled.

"Jo…you know, you don't have to give the baby up," Rick spoke softly.

"Yes I do," Jo cried. "It's not Kyle's."

"But it is _yours_," Rick reminded her. "It's okay to love this baby. It's okay to want to keep it."

"I have to give it up," Jo sobbed. "What if the baby reminds me of the attack? What if he looks like Lonvetti and I can't stand to look at him? What if I can't love the baby?"

"Oh Jo…" Rick brushed the hair away from her face and looked into her sorrow-filled eyes. "You already love this baby." Overcome with anguish and grief, all Jo could do at that moment was bury her face in her hands and weep.


	52. Chapter 52

Everything was gone. As Edna Garrett stared at Kyle's closet she couldn't believe he had left so quickly. He had come home from work, thrown his clothes into a garbage bag, not even bothering to use a suit case, and had left

"What's going on?" Jamie's voice echoed from the hallway. Mrs. Garrett turned to see the girl watching her. "Mrs. G…are you okay?"

"Yes honey," Mrs. Garrett walked to the girl and put her arm around her. "Are you okay? I know you must be missing your dad."

Jamie shrugged and walked over to her parents' bed. She lay down on the dark blue comforter and closed her eyes. "I'm okay," she whispered.

Mrs. Garrett watched the girl with wonder. Then she sat next to her on the bed and spoke softly, "Jamie…do you want to talk?"

Jamie sighed and opened her eyes. Her face was serious. "He's not coming back," she said matter-of-factly.

"Oh honey, of course he is," Mrs. Garrett knew she was probably lying to the girl, but she didn't have the heart to acknowledge her fears. "He left for a while on business."

"He took _everything_," Jamie insisted. "He's not coming back."

Mrs. Garrett nodded, "I know he doesn't want to be away from you sweetheart. Your mom and dad are having some problems…"

"I know he loves me," Jamie sat up and looked at the older woman. "You don't have to try to convince me Mrs. G."

"Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Garrett asked, grasping at any idea to make the girl feel better. Then she realized that Jamie didn't actually seem as upset as she thought she would be. Maybe she had expected this to happen.

"They think I don't remember," Jamie said suddenly and Mrs. Garrett was confused. Jamie could read the questions on her face. "My mom…and Uncle Rick…they think I don't remember being at that group foster home, but I do. I was seven; I wasn't a baby."

Mrs. Garrett shook her head, confused by what the girl was trying to tell her. "Honey, I'm not sure what you're talking about."

"I remember when my mom found me…when I was on the streets with my other mother," Jamie explained. "After Mom found me, she had to take me to social services. And they kept me in this group home."

"Oh," Mrs. Garrett's voice was gentle. "That must have been scary for you…such a small girl."

Jamie shook her head, "I was afraid, but it was better than the streets. But after a little while they told me my daddy was coming to get me. I didn't even know I had a dad, but all of the sudden…there he was. And he took me out of there. And he brought me to Mom. I remembered her from the day she had found me. I was scared at first, but she just seemed so nice…like she loved me more than anything. No one ever loved me like that before. We played in the park all that afternoon. I remember I thought we were going to be a family…my Daddy and my new Mom. Stupid I know, but I was only seven."

"Jamie," Mrs. Garrett put her arm around the girl and pulled her close. "What are you trying to tell me?"

"Uncle Rick is my father," Jamie said as if it should have been plain to everyone. "He's my birth father. He's the one who came to get me from the foster home and he took me to Mom." Her voice turned somber, "But he didn't want to keep me. He left and Mom took me home with her and I've been with her and Dad every since. They adopted me and they love me. But I don't think Dad knows Uncle Rick gave me to them. I think it's a secret…and I've been wondering if he found out and if it hurt him and that's why he left?"

"Oh Jamie," Mrs. Garrett held her close. "Your dad wouldn't leave you over something like that. Even if what you are saying is true…it's not your fault. And I'm not sure you are remembering everything correctly. It was a long time ago and you were pretty little…"

Jamie climbed down from the bed, "I can prove it," she said. She walked over to her mother's dresser and pulled out the top drawer. She pulled out the underwear that was scattered inside and carefully pulled on the bottom of the drawer. It gave way and she reached under the false-bottom of the drawer and pulled out an envelope. "I found these…last summer. I was trying to surprise Mom by doing all the laundry. I was putting her stuff away and I noticed the bottom of the drawer was loose. It has a secret compartment."

Jamie climbed back onto the bed and dumped the contents of the envelope. She picked up a piece of paper and showed it to Mrs. Garrett. "It's my original birth certificate," she said. "Jamie Elizabeth Bonner. See, Uncle Rick is listed as my father. And April…she was my birthmom…"

Mrs. Garrett took the paper from her and stared at it. She couldn't believe Jo had kept a secret like that. She knew all about Rick's daughter, the one that had been taken away by her mother, but she had no idea it was Jamie. She realized now that she probably should have. She had allowed herself to overlook the obvious. "Why didn't you tell your mom you found this?"

"She didn't want me to know," Jamie said softly. She picked up some pictures and smiled looking at them. "Look," she said handing them to Mrs. Garrett. "I used to live with them. When my mom and Uncle Rick were married…I was their little girl." For the first time all evening she let a few tears slide down her cheeks. She looked at the pictures of the three of them and gently ran her finger along their names scribbled on the back in Jo's harried writing. "I wonder why they didn't keep me? When they got divorced, they gave me to my birthmom…they didn't want me…"

"Oh sweetie…no," Mrs. Garrett looked at the pictures; Jo and Rick cuddling the sweet little baby girl. "They wanted you more than anything. April took you. They went to court…she was supposed to let them see you…but she ran away. They were devastated…and they didn't get divorced until later."

"Really?" Jamie asked tearfully. "I thought they gave me to her when they got divorced. I don't know why I thought that…but I did."

"Maybe because no one has ever explained the truth," Mrs. Garrett said honestly.

Jamie nodded, "I still wonder why Uncle Rick gave me to my mom and dad? He must not have wanted me?"

"Maybe he just knew you needed to be with your mom," Mrs. Garrett guessed. "He knew she needed you too. That both of you needed to be together."

"Do you think my dad found this stuff?" Jamie asked. "Do you think that is why he left? Maybe he can't love me anymore knowing the truth about who I am."

"No," Mrs. Garrett insisted. "Sweetie…your dad loves you. He adopted you because he wanted you. I don't know why he left…but it had nothing to do with you. I promise."

"Okay," Jamie said, her voice less than convincing. She carefully placed the pictured and the birth certificate back in the envelope and walked over to the dresser to put them away. Then she looked sadly at Mrs. Garrett, "I wish my birthmom hadn't taken me away. I think we might've been a nice family. But then I feel guilty for thinking that…because where would that leave Dad? I love him."

"I know honey," Mrs. Garrett said with sympathy.

Jamie spoke in a ghost-like whisper, "I remember being on the streets too," she said in a frightening tone. "I thank God everyday that Mom found me…"

"Oh sweetie…do you want to talk about it?" Mrs. Garrett asked nervously. She was worried for the girl and afraid of the memories she might reveal.

Jamie shook her head, "I never want to talk about that," she said quickly. Then she walked towards the door. "Can we have burgers for dinner?" she asked.

Mrs. Garrett knew better than to push, but she also felt a deep sense of pain and worry for the girl. "Sure," she said. Then they walked into the kitchen to make dinner.


	53. Chapter 53

It had been a while since Captain Mike Jorgenson had visited Jo. He had wanted to, but knowing she was depending on him to bring good news about the search for Lonvetti, and knowing he had no news to give her had kept him away. Mike was known for his no-nonsense attitude; his ability to face any situation head-on and keep emotions at bay. But seeing one of his best inspectors in such pitiful shape was really more than he could handle. Knowing he didn't have any leads in the case had been worse.

He knew he had to see her though. He'd received a tip…albeit a small one and he felt like maybe Jo would feel a little better if he told her. He stood at the door and knocked gently. Jo was sitting in a wheelchair and he was relieved that she was actually able to sit up. Last time he'd come in to see her she had been strapped to the bed. "Jo…can I come in?"

Jo turned to look at him. She gave a weak smile, "Mike…come on in." she said softly. She pulled the blanket that was draping her legs closer to her, attempting to hide her growing stomach. "It's cold in here," she said quickly.

"Hospitals are always chilly," Mike said as he sat down. He looked at her and nodded,  
Good to see you up. Any news on when you're going home?"

"This is my first time in the wheelchair," Jo answered. "Physical therapy isn't going as well as they'd hoped." Her face dropped. "I guess I should get used to the chair."

"You'll be walking in no time," Mike tried to be positive, but he knew how badly she had been hurt in the attack. She shouldn't even be alive right now, so it didn't seem likely that she would ever recover completely. Maybe she wouldn't ever walk again.

"Maybe," Jo's words were empty of emotion. "The good news is I am going home soon. Probably next week…"

"That's great," Mike said with a smile. "I know you must be relieved."

Jo nodded, "Yeah…I want to go home." She sighed, "What's up Mike? I know you didn't come here just to make small talk."

"Jo, I don't know how to say this…" the captain shifted nervously in his chair.

Jo's voice was serious, "Just spit it out. I can take it."

"We've had a tip," he said slowly. "Lonvetti may be back in the country. Not here in LA…not yet…but it's just a matter of time."

Jo felt a chill going up her spine. She swallowed a painful lump in her throat, "So…what's the plan?"

"We're gonna get him," Mike said with confidence. "Jo…he will not get by with this. I swear to you…we're gonna get him."

"Who gave you the tip?" Jo asked.

"You know I can't tell you that," Mike said quickly. "But it was a legitimate tip."

"Do you think he knows I'm still alive?" Jo asked, trying to disguise the fear in her voice. "Do you think he wants to finish what he started?"

"Oh Jo…please don't worry about that," Mike said sincerely. "We are not going to let him hurt you. We are going to catch him and put him away for good."

"I don't want to face him in court," Jo admitted. "I don't know if I can…I just don't know…"

"Let's not worry about that right now," Mike said softly. "I just wanted you to know. I wanted you to know we haven't given up."

"I knew you wouldn't give up," Jo said honestly. She cleared her throat, "So what all have I missed out on? Everyone still missing my smart ass attitude?" she chuckled.

"Of course," Mike smiled. "I wish you'd reconsider coming back…eventually."

Jo shrugged, "There are not many inspectors that can do their job from a wheelchair."

"You'll be walking in no time," Mike insisted again.

"Mike…can you do me a favor?" Jo asked reluctantly. "Something private?"

"What do you need?" he asked.

Jo didn't speak right away, trying to find the right words. Then she looked at the captain and spoke in a whisper, "I need you to run a check on my husband."

Mike looked confused. "Jo…what's wrong? What's going on?"

"I don't know," Jo admitted. "But Kyle has done something…and I can't shake this feeling that it is something bad. He hasn't been working for a while, but he lied and said he was. He left me…just packed up everything and moved away. He said he had to…he said it was to keep me safe. I'm scared."

Mike knew Kyle had been acting suspicious. He hadn't trusted him since the night of the attack when he had spent hours trying to reach him. He was even more suspicious when he heard how seldom Kyle appeared at the hospital. "I'll look into it myself," he said with sympathy.

"Thanks," Jo said softly.

"You rest up," Mike said as he stood and walked towards the door. "Let me know when you're released. We can put a couple of officers outside the apartment…just in case."

"Mike…" Jo didn't know why, but all of the sudden she felt the urgent need to be truthful. "I'm pregnant…with Lonvetti's baby."

Mike looked at her and for the first time he let his emotions show. His saddened face said it all. "We won't let him hurt you again," he said softly. "He's going to pay for what he's done to you Jo. Everyone on the force is going to make sure of it."


	54. Chapter 54

Jo had been staring at her lunch for over an hour. She couldn't eat it. Nothing on the tray looked appealing to her and she was mad at herself for it. She knew she had to eat, but staring at the gray slab of meat, runny gravy, and mushy vegetables she couldn't force herself.

"Jo?" her mother's voice surprised her and she looked up from her lunch tray.

"Ma…is Pop with you?" Jo quickly bundled her blanket around her again in hopes that her father would not notice the baby.

"No sweetheart," her mother came over and sat beside her. "He'll be up later, but I wanted to talk with you alone." Rose glanced at the lunch tray and back at her daughter, "Why aren't you eating? Aren't you hungry?"

"I'm always hungry," Jo admitted sarcastically. "But this food is not what I want. Looking at it makes me sick. I swear, if I eat something that does not look or sound good to me…it is always a mistake."

"I remember that," Rose smiled weakly. "You were the pickiest baby ever…even when I was pregnant with you. If I ate anything that I wasn't craving, you let me know you were unhappy about it." She laughed slightly and put her hand on her daughter's stomach. "What is this little one hungry for today? I can go get you something a little more appetizing."

"Don't bother. I'm not that hungry," Jo answered. Her mother was making her uncomfortable. Jo couldn't shake the feeling that her mother was getting attached to the baby and she didn't want her to be hurt. "Ma…what did you wanna talk about?"

Rose moved her hand, realizing she was upsetting her daughter. Then she spoke gently, "Sweetheart, your father wants to go back to New York." She spoke quickly, trying to explain the situation. "It's not that he doesn't want to be here with you…but he needs to go back to work and he's offered to stay at my apartment and take care of the bills and things there until I can get home. And really Jo, if you don't want him to know about the baby…it's best for him to leave now."

Jo nodded, "I'm not upset. He should go. I understand."

"Do you really?" Rose asked nervously. "Because I don't want you to be hurt by this and he'll stay if you want him to."

Jo shook her head, "No…he should go back to work. What job does he have anyway? I didn't think either of you would be working now." She knew it was terrible that she had just assumed her parents were retired, and a little naïve as well. They obviously didn't have the savings to retire. But she hadn't seen them in so long that she felt like she didn't really know them anymore.

"He washes dishes at a Chinese restaurant," Rose answered. "And makes deliveries sometimes. Jo, he needs the money and he's been gone a long time. If he doesn't go home now, he'll have to look for a new job and it won't be easy at his age. I manage okay, because I did save up a little bit for retirement. I still work as a hostess at a restaurant in the city. My barmaid days are obviously over, but I get by just fine. But your father…he needs his job."

"Are you gonna lose your job too?" Jo asked nervously. "Ma…you can go home. I'll be okay."

"I'm not going anywhere," Rose said firmly. "Jo…if I lose that silly job, I lose it. Who cares? But you need me. I want to be here to help you. I want to be here when you have the baby."

"Ma…I'm scared," Jo cried softly. "I don't want you to get attached to the baby. You seem like you're starting to…and I don't want you to be hurt."

"Oh baby…" Rose stroked her daughter's hair and let a few of her own tears fall. "Don't worry about me. I want to be here for you…to help you get through this. I'm sorry…if I've made you feel bad…I'm so sorry…"

"I just don't want you to be hurt," Jo cried. "Or for you to think I'm gonna change my mind and keep the baby. I can't…"

"I know…" Rose held her tight. "Jo…that's why I want to be here. Of course I'd like to have a chance to see the baby, but I really just want to be here for you. It's not going to be easy for you to say good-bye to this little one. And I want to be here to make sure you're alright…to help you. Please don't worry about me or how I'm feeling. This is about you…"

"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Jo sobbed. "Do you think it's wrong that I can't keep the baby?"

"No sweetheart," Rose wiped away her tears. "Jo…you have been so strong through all of this. A lot of women would never have considered carrying the baby at all. I know I could never do what you are doing. You made the choice that is best for you…and for the baby. You have to stop beating yourself up over this."

"I don't know what to feel," Jo admitted. "Some days I feel like I could really love this baby…like I might want this baby…want to keep him." She sniffled and shook her head, "And other days I am so angry…so mad that this all happened…I just can't let myself love him…"

"Oh sweetheart," Rose hugged her and put her hand gently on her stomach. "Whatever you decide to do…this baby is a part of you. You are always going to love him."

"I don't want to," Jo cried. "I don't want to love this baby. It makes it harder. I want all of this pain to just go away…"

Rose didn't know what to say. She knew nothing she said would make things better…nothing would make this okay. She held her daughter close and kissed her on the cheek.


	55. Chapter 55

She didn't want to intrude. Standing in the doorway, Edna Garret was silent as she watched Jo sob in her mother's arms. She knew they needed their privacy, but she couldn't seem to take her eyes off the two of them. It wasn't until Rose glanced up and saw her that she realized she had been watching them for so long.

"Edna," Rose's voice quivered and Jo lifted her head and looked towards the door. "Come on in," Rose motioned for her to enter the room.

"I'm sorry to intrude," Mrs. Garrett said sincerely. "I didn't mean to interrupt…"

"It's okay Mrs. G," Jo said truthfully. "I'm glad you're here." She rubbed her red eyes and brushed away her tears. "Is everything alright? Where's Jamie?"

"She's at school," Mrs. Garrett reminded her. "Today's her last day before summer vacation."

"Oh God…the days just run together in this place," Jo said sadly. "I didn't realize…I've missed her whole last semester of seventh grade."

"You'll be home soon," Rose reminded her.

"I know," Jo nodded. She put her hand on her stomach, "Ma…I think I might have to take you up on that offer to go get something edible for lunch. Do you mind?"

"No…of course not," Rose smiled and reached for her purse. "What do you want to eat sweetie?"

"Just a burger," Jo answered quickly. "Thanks Ma…I appreciate it."

"No problem sweetie," Rose kissed her on the forehead. "I'll be right back."

Jo waited until her mother had left the room before she spoke again. "Mrs. G…what's wrong? I can tell something is…what's going on?"

"Jo…I don't even know how to say this," She spoke slowly, trying to find the right words. "Jo…when you come home next week…have you thought about what you are going to tell Jamie…about the baby?"

Jo shook her head, "I don't want her to know. I'll just…I don't know…I'll tell her I'm gaining weight or something."

"Jo…come on." Mrs. Garrett knew her voice sounded harsh. She didn't want to upset Jo, but she needed her to face reality. "Jamie is not going to fall for that. She's thirteen years old. She's smarter than you think. You have to tell her the truth."

Jo was surprised to hear Mrs. Garrett speak to her so bluntly. Most people were so afraid of upsetting her that they seemed to walk on eggshells around her. No one had the guts to be confrontational…until now. "I don't want her to know," Jo said honestly.

"I understand that," Mrs. Garrett said sympathetically. "But Jo…I think she can handle the truth. I know it will be painful, but the lies have to stop."

"Maybe she can handle the truth," Jo admitted tearfully. "But I can't handle telling her. I don't want her to know what the monster did to me…I don't want her to know…"

"Jo…she already knows," Mrs. Garrett took her hand and squeezed it tight. "Honey, I know you don't want to hear this…but Jamie knows what happened to you. And she understands it. She was up here everyday after the attack…she was stuck in the waiting room, but she heard a lot. If you don't tell her about the baby…it you try to keep it a secret…it's a slap in the face to her. I know that what happened to you changed your life forever…but honey, it changed Jamie's life too. She's had to live through this, just like you have. You have to stop lying to her."

Jo choked on her sobs. She didn't want to think about Jamie knowing the truth. She was ashamed that her daughter had to carry that burden, but she felt stupid for thinking Jamie didn't know. Of course she knew. "Mrs. G…what did you mean when you said the lies have to stop? You weren't talking about the rape…or the baby…were you?"

"Jamie told me about her birthfather," Mrs. Garrett said in a whisper.

Jo shook her head nervously, "No…she doesn't know anything about him. None of us do."

"Oh Jo," Mrs. Garrett spoke in a sad mutter. "Stop lying. Honey…she knows. She remembers. She remembers Rick picking her up from foster care and bringing her to you. And she thinks Kyle left because he found out the truth. Jo, all of these lies are hurting her. I know you meant well, but it's time to stop lying…for Jamie's sake…and for your own."

Jo nodded, trying to take in everything Mrs. Garrett was telling her. She couldn't stop crying, and didn't even feel like trying. "Can you bring her up here? Please…so I can talk to her."

"Sure," Mrs. Garret smiled gently. "I'll bring her tonight. You two need some time alone."


	56. Chapter 56

"Mom," Jamie smiled as she rushed into her mother's room later that evening. "How are you?"

Jo smiled at her daughter's enthusiasm. "I'm fine," she answered. "How are you? How was the last day of school?"

"Okay," Jamie sat beside the bed. "I am so glad its summer though. Since you're coming home, I can be there to help you."

"You don't have to worry about me," Jo insisted. "You just worry about having a fun summer alright. I'll be fine." She looked at Mrs. Garrett, waiting at the door and nodded, giving her permission to leave. "Mrs. G, my mother is all alone over at the hotel since Pop left earlier tonight. I thought maybe the two of you could go to dinner or something."

"Are you sure you want me to leave?" Mrs. Garrett asked nervously. As much as she knew Jo needed to be alone with Jamie, she was also concerned about not being there for support.

"I'm sure," Jo nodded. "We'll be fine."

Mrs. Garrett walked slowly out the door leaving the two alone. Jamie laughed, "Why didn't she want to go? She's acting like she's scared to leave us alone together." Suddenly she was forced to acknowledge her mother's nervous energy. Her laughter stopped and her face turned serious, "Mom…what's going on? Is something wrong?" She felt tears forming in her eyes and didn't want to cry. "You're not coming home are you? You wanted to be alone when you told me?"

"No…no baby," Jo tried to comfort her. "That's not it…not at all. I am coming home, and I'm going to be fine. I'll have to use the wheelchair for a while, but I'm getting better at standing. I even walked a little today in therapy…and I didn't fall. I'm getting better…I promise."

"Then what's wrong?" Jamie asked anxiously. "Something is."

"Jamie…" Jo cleared her throat and tried to find the right words. She didn't want to cry, it would just make Jamie more upset. "Jamie…you know what happened to me…right? Do you have any questions about it?"

Jamie knew her mother typically kept her emotions bottled up, so she was surprised by her willingness to talk about the attack. She did have questions, but she didn't want to upset her mother. "I just want to know if you're okay," she whispered.

"I am," Jo wiped away the tear that was sliding down her cheek. "But sweetie, do you have questions about what happened? Do you understand?"

Jamie nodded sadly, "Dad told me. He said we shouldn't talk about it because it would make you feel worse."

"Don't worry about making me feel worse," Jo insisted.

"Dad said the attacker hurt you and beat you until you were unconscious, and then he had sex with you," Jamie's voice shook as she whispered the words. "Is that true?"

Jo felt her throat begin to burn as she fought to hold in the sobs rising within her. Having this conversation with her thirteen year old was killing her and for a moment she wished she hadn't insisted that Mrs. Garrett leave, but as she watched Jamie's eyes fill with tears she knew the girl already understood the truth and it had been eating away at her. Jo owed it to her daughter to act like a mother now, ease her mind and let her know things would be okay. "It's true," she spoke gently. "I don't really remember it, but I'm sure that's what happened."

Jamie wiped at her own tears, "Mom…what do you remember?"

"Seeing the other officers dead," Jo spoke softly. "And I felt some pain, but after that…nothing until I woke up here. I'm glad for that. I don't have to relive it over and over. And Jamie, I am alright…so you don't have to worry about me anymore."

Jamie nodded, "Okay…but isn't it scarier to know something bad happened to you, and not be able to recall it? Doesn't that make it worse? You have to imagine it without ever knowing the truth."

Jo took a deep breath, releasing it slowly. Jamie was smarter than she ever gave her credit for. "I'm glad I don't remember," Jo admitted. "I don't want to. I couldn't handle it."

"Oh," Jamie said sadly.

"Jamie…" Jo interrupted her daughter. "Mrs. G brought you here because she wants me to tell you something, but I'm afraid you might not understand it. I want you to know that after I tell you, you can ask me anything you want…don't be scared to ask."

"What is it?" Jamie asked nervously. "Mom…what's wrong?"

Jo closed her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to see the look on her daughter's face when she told her. "I'm pregnant…and it's not your dad's baby…we can't keep it…we have to give it up." She took another deep breath and opened her eyes slowly. Jamie's face lacked any definite emotion. She wasn't sure she really understood what she was saying. "Jamie…do you understand?" she asked.

"That's why Dad left…isn't it?" Jamie asked. "It was because of the baby."

"Jamie, your dad had to take care of some things," Jo tried to assure her. "He'll be back."

"He left because of the baby," Jamie said again.

"Oh Jamie," Jo let herself cry, she couldn't control it anymore. "I'm so sorry. I didn't want your dad to leave. I know you need him. I didn't know he would leave. I didn't mean for this to happen…"

"Why don't you want to keep the baby?" Jamie asked. "I thought you wanted a baby."

Jo grabbed a tissue and tried to dry her eyes. "Babies should be conceived in love and this one wasn't. This baby is the result of something painful and violent. I can't keep a baby that will always remind me of what happened."

"I know Mrs. G told you that I know about Uncle Rick and April," Jamie said matter-of-factly. "She would never have kept that to herself." She sighed sadly, "They weren't in love when they had me either. I bet they wished I never existed."

"Oh Jamie…" Jo tried to interrupt, but her daughter continued.

"Do I remind you of bad things? Do you look at me and think about how Uncle Rick cheated on you and how I ruined your marriage? Do you wish I had never been born? I know Uncle Rick does…he didn't even want me after he came to get me from the group home." She let her tears fall.

"Jamie…no…I love you," Jo cried and gently wiped away her daughter's tears. "I love you. I can't imagine my life without you…and your Uncle Rick feels the same way. Sweetie, I was the one who begged him to let me keep you. He wanted to be your dad, but when we got you back, I was remarried and I didn't want to try to explain. I convinced him you would be better off with me. I should have told the truth back then…to everyone." She closed her eyes, trying to stop her own tears. "Jamie…I'm sorry. I've really screwed up your life. You don't deserve this. I am so sorry…"

"I want you to tell Dad the truth," Jamie whispered. "Cause he needs to know. I love him and I hate lying to him."

"I'll tell him," Jo promised. "As soon as I hear from him, I'll tell him. Jamie, I never wanted you to have to lie. I wish you would have told me that you knew the truth."

"Mom…you said I could ask you anything," Jamie said reluctantly.

"Sure," Jo's voice was apprehensive. "What do you want to ask?"

Jamie spoke gently, "I know you love me. So if you can love me, even after all that happened…isn't there a chance you could love this baby enough to keep it?"

"It's not the same thing," Jo cried. "Sweetie…this is so different."

"Why?" Jamie's voice was innocent and Jo knew she would never really be able to make her understand.

"It just is," she sniffled. "I have to give this baby to parents who will love him."

"It's a boy?" Jamie asked.

Jo shrugged, "I have no idea…I've just been saying him. I didn't want to know because I didn't want to spend the next few months picturing a baby boy or girl, but I didn't feel right saying 'it' either."

"Does the baby kick?" Jamie whispered sadly.

Jo nodded, "Sometimes."

"Can I feel?" Jamie asked.

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Jo said seriously. "Sweetie, it's not going to be easy to say good-bye when the baby comes. I don't want you to get attached."

"The baby should know someone loves him, even now before he's born and can go be with his new parents," Jamie said sincerely. "I know it hurts for you to love him, but I'm his sister…at least right now…and I want him to know I love him."

Jo didn't know what to say. She knew she should be strong for Jamie, help her through all of these big changes in her life, try to comfort her, but she couldn't. She was heartsick and she didn't know how to make anything better. She was angry with Mrs. Garrett for forcing her to tell Jamie about the baby. She knew her daughter could never understand why she had to give the baby away…and she hoped she'd never have to understand that kind of pain.

"Maybe later," Jo managed to hold in her sobs. "I'm kinda hungry. Are you ready for dinner? I thought you might like to run down to the cafeteria and get us something?"

"Alright," Jamie answered. "What do you want?"

"Surprise me," Jo forced a smile, but knew it looked fake. She reached into the side drawer for her wallet and pulled out some cash, handing it to her daughter. Jamie kissed her on the cheek and walked out the door. As soon as she was sure her daughter was nowhere around, Jo put her head in her hands and muffled her painful, wailing sobs. She just hoped she could get herself under control before Jamie came back.


	57. Chapter 57

Mrs. Garrett had come back and taken Jamie home. Rose had spent the rest of the evening doting on her daughter, trying to make her feel better, but Jo couldn't stop thinking about Jamie. She had known Jamie would not understand about the baby and she was angry she had let Mrs. Garrett talk her into telling the truth. Plus she felt guilty for all the lies she had told over the years and she didn't know how she would ever make things right.

She had finally convinced her mother to return to the hotel. Jo lay in bed, trying to fall asleep but couldn't. She put her hand on her stomach, trying to calm the baby who was kicking up a storm, but when that didn't work she finally decided to raise her bed and sit up. She clicked on the TV and saw that the late news was on. She watched it mindlessly, and then picked up the telephone and dialed.

"Hello?" Rick's voice was clear on the line.

"Hey…it's me," Jo said slowly. "I was wondering if you could come up here?"

"Is something wrong?" Rick asked with worry. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Jo insisted, "But I need to talk to you…about Jamie."

"What about her?" Rick asked anxiously. "Jo…what's going on?"

"She knows," Jo tried not to let her tears come through in her voice. "She knows we lied to her. She knows you're her father." The phone was silent. Rick didn't know what to say. He knew Jamie probably hated him and that thought was killing him. Jo couldn't keep the sobs from her voice, "Did you hear me?" she asked. "Jamie knows that we lied to her."

"I heard you," Rick's voice shook. "How did she find out?"

"She said she's always known. She remembers you picking her up from foster care that day," Jo whimpered. "God Rick…I am so sorry. I didn't want to hurt her…or you."

"It's not just your fault," Rick assured her. "I agreed to it too. I never should have. We should have been honest."

"She wants me to tell Kyle," Jo said softly. "I told her I would."

"I wanted you to tell him before," Rick reminded her.

"I know!" Jo yelled. "I've made a mess of everything! I've ruined everybody's lives…"

"Jo…calm down," Rick tried to soothe her. "This isn't all your fault."

"Jamie is never going to forgive me," Jo cried. "And I told her about the baby…and she wants me to keep it…"

"Oh Jo…try to calm down," Rick said gently. He was worried by how upset she was getting. "Everything is going to be okay…"

"No…it's not going to be okay," Jo sobbed. "I told Jamie I can't keep the baby because it will remind me of the rape and she asked me if looking at her reminds me of all the bad times you and I had together. She doesn't understand…I've made things worse…I should have kept my mouth shut…"

"Jo…relax…please. You are scaring me," Rick tried to calm her down. "You have to stop this. It's not good for you or the baby. I'll be up there in a few minutes…okay. We can talk about what to say to Jamie…but you have to calm down."

"She said she wants the baby to know she loves him," Jo cried. "She says she's his big sister Rick. What am I supposed to say to that? I can't let her get attached to this baby. I won't hurt her like that."

"Jo…please calm down," Rick tried to be reassuring. "Jamie will realize that the baby is better off with another family. It will be hard, but you'll both be okay. Just please stay calm for now. You're making yourself sick."

"Okay," Jo sniffled. "I'll try."

"Alright," Rick's voice softened. "I'll be there soon. Just relax."

Jo hung up the phone. Immediately she regretting calling her ex-husband. She felt guilty for depending on him, but this was his problem too. He was going to have to explain to Jamie why they had lied; he was going to have to convince her that he had loved her and wanted what was best for her. Things were never going to be the same again. For the first time since she's woken up in the hospital, Jo was dreading going home. She was afraid of how different it would be now. She wasn't sure she could handle it.


	58. Chapter 58

Rick rushed into the room and was relieved to see that Jo had managed to calm down some. She was watching TV and seemed engrossed in the program. "What're you watching?" he asked as he walked into the room and sat in the chair near her bed.

"Some old sitcom," Jo sighed. She clicked off the TV and turned to look at him. "Sorry I overreacted earlier. I'm upset, but I shouldn't have been crying and screaming on the phone."

"It's okay," Rick smiled sincerely. "Maybe you are a little too hormonal right now."

Jo rolled her eyes and shrugged, "Please don't comment on my hormones. I don't need to hear that from you…okay…"

"Sorry," Rick said quickly. "Anyway, I am glad you're feeling better."

"What are we going to say to Jamie?" Jo asked softly.

"I think we should tell her the truth." Rick said honestly. "We should just tell her that we always wanted to keep her and when we had the chance to get her back, I felt like she'd be better off with you. I could never have taken care of her on my own, and she deserved her mother. Jo, you've always been her mother."

Jo let a few tears slide down her cheeks, "I have to tell her I'm sorry for lying to her…and to Kyle. She has to know I realize it was wrong, but I only did it because I thought it was best for her."

"She might be mad for a while," Rick said sincerely, "But she'll realize we did what we thought was best for her. She's known for a while anyway…this isn't new information for her. The fact that she knows is new for us…not her."

"I know," Jo nodded. "I'm scared to tell Kyle though. What if he is angry at me that he decides to just forget about Jamie? She needs him. He is her dad."

"I don't think he'd do that," Rick said honestly. "He may hate us…but he'll always love Jamie."

"I don't know for sure," Jo sighed. "Not anymore…I don't know what to expect from him. I feel like I don't even know him anymore."

"Have you heard from him since he left?" Rick asked.

Jo shook her head, "Not a word. I don't know where he is. Jamie wants me to call and tell him the truth, but Mrs. G said she called his cell phone the other day because Jamie wanted to talk to him, and it was disconnected. I have no idea how I can reach him."

"I don't know," Rick shrugged. "I still can't believe he left you. I know how much he loves you Jo. I can't believe all of that just changed. Something else is going on…it has to be."

"He couldn't accept this baby," Jo felt more tears rising in her throat. "He couldn't love me while I am carrying Lonvetti's baby…and I don't blame him."

"Well you should blame him Jo," Rick's voice was angry. "He should be here for you…helping you get through this. That's what a decent, loving husband would do. I hate him for hurting you like this."

"You don't have to hate him," Jo whispered. "It's not worth the energy. I'm scared for him though. I don't know what he's gotten himself into." She sighed. "I asked my captain to run a check on him."

"What if you don't like what turns up?" Rick asked. "Are you going to be able to handle that?"

"I don't know," Jo admitted. "But it would have to better than sitting here wondering, because right now I'm just scared of confused."

"I know," Rick nodded. Jo yawned and he smiled slightly, "You want to go to sleep? I can leave."

Jo shook her head, "I'm tired, but the baby won't let me sleep." She put her hands on her stomach and sighed, "As soon as I drift off to sleep he starts moving around and wakes me up."

"The baby is an ornery little thing huh?" Rick teased. "Can I feel…I like feeling him kick."

"God…you're as bad as Jamie," Jo said with frustration. "Why can't anyone understand that it is not a good thing. Feeling the baby is hard…it makes me want to cry…it does make me cry. I want to be happy about it, but I'm scared to, because what if it makes it harder to give him away? And then when other people make such a big deal about it…I'm scared of hurting them too. My mother, Jamie…even you…All of you are acting like this is my baby. Well it's not!"

"I'm sorry Jo," Rick's voice quivered. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make things harder for you."

"It's not just you," Jo insisted. "It's everyone. Why can't anyone understand just how bad this is for me?"

"Maybe because you keep so much bottled up," Rick said gently. "I think maybe you should see someone about this Jo…a therapist who can help you deal with your feelings. Someone you can talk to after the baby is born…I think you're going to need that."

Jo shook her head, "I'm sick of doctors. I already have so many."

"Your doctors are treating your physical wounds…not your emotional ones," Rick insisted.

"I think I do want to go to sleep," Jo tried to change the subject. "You should leave."

"Jo…please," Rick wanted to help her, but she had completely tuned him out. "Jo?"

She closed her eyes, "Just leave," she insisted.

Rick stood up and watched as she pretended to go to sleep. "Good night," he said gently.


	59. Chapter 59

The following week Blair was excited as she came to pick her best friend up from the hospital and bring her home. Everyone wanted to be there, but Blair had convinced them that it would be easier for Jo if only one person was there to help her get ready to face the outside world. Jo was sitting in the wheelchair when she walked in, and smiled gently when she saw her.

"Hey…are you ready?" Blair asked happily. "Everyone is so excited to see you come home."

"I'm excited to go home," Jo said with a weak smile. "I'm nervous though. I didn't expect to be so nervous."

"Why are you nervous?" Blair sat beside her and looked seriously into her frightened eyes. "What are you worried about?"

Jo shrugged, "Everything…I don't know exactly. I just know this isn't going to be easy. I'm walking a little, but not enough. I'm not going to be able to take care of things at home. I still need a lot of sleep and I want to be there for Jamie…"

"Hey," Blair grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "You're going to do fine. I'm going to help, and your mom, and Mrs. G. Everything will be okay."

"I know…but I want to do some things myself…and I just don't know if I can…or if people will let me," Jo sighed. "I'm probably just overreacting."

Blair smiled, "Probably." She picked up a plastic bag she had sat on the floor. "Are you ready to get dressed? I brought your clothes."

Jo nodded, "What did you bring? Please let it be something that will fit…"

"Well I went through all of your drawers and found these sweat pants," Blair said as she pulled them out of the bag. "I know it's hot out, but for now I thought they'd be okay. They're ugly as hell, but I figured you wouldn't care about that." She pulled an LAPD t-shirt out of the bag and handed it her, "This shirt is the biggest one I could find. It's going to be tight. You probably should get some maternity clothes."

Jo rolled her eyes, "I am not ready for that Blair…I can't…not yet."

"Okay," Blair handed her the sweat pants. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't," Jo looked at the clothes and sighed. "How am I going to do this Blair? People are going to treat me like this is my baby…like I should be happily pregnant…and I just want people to leave me alone. I don't want anyone to talk about me being pregnant or ask about the baby."

"Okay…I get it," Blair smiled slightly. "Maybe I can just treat you like you're fat…would you prefer that?" she teased.

Jo laughed, "Only you would have the guts to call me fat right now."

"Come on," Blair smiled. "Let's get you ready to go home."

"Okay," Jo nodded. "Thanks…"

"No problem," Blair smiled.


	60. Chapter 60

Blair pulled the car into the parking lot. She could tell her friend was uneasy as she took in her surroundings. It had been a long time since Jo had been home, and it wasn't going to be a simple transition. Blair pulled into a parking stall and turned to her friend, "Are you alright?" she asked. "You look upset."

Jo shook her head slowly, "I don't know," she admitted. "It's been a long time. The last time I was home things were so different…"

"Life is constantly changing Jo," Blair said calmly. "That's just how it is."

"I know," Jo nodded, "But I don't know how to be myself anymore…how to go up to the apartment and be Jamie's mother, and pretend like everything is fine."

"You don't have to pretend like everything is fine," Blair assured her. "No one expects you to do that. We all know you've been through a lot, and you're dealing with a lot. No one wants you to pretend to be okay when you're not. We just want you home."

Jo looked out the window, "Last time I was here, I said good-bye to Jamie and rushed out to my car. I tried calling Kyle's cell phone to tell him I was going back to work, but he didn't answer. Then I got in the car and drove down to the docks. I didn't stop to think that I might not make it back home. It was just another night at work…" Jo took a deep breath and let out a sigh, "I wasn't supposed to work that night. I was supposed to spend the night at home with Jamie, but Henry asked me and I couldn't tell him no. I should've said no. I didn't really want to help him, but I figured it would seem like I wasn't putting as much as I should into the job if I didn't." A tear slid down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away, "Why didn't I say no?"

"Jo…you had no idea what was going to happen," Blair said gently.

"I should have stayed home with Jamie," Jo let a few more tears slide down her cheeks.

Blair realized that Jo had felt safe in the hospital, isolated from the reality of her life. Now, facing her home for the first time since the attack, she was scared…not sure she could handle all of the changes, and she was angry with herself for what had happened because she wanted someone to blame. "Jo," Blair took her friend's hand and squeezed it. "You can't blame yourself for what happened. We all make a million choices everyday and we never know what they will lead to. You can't blame yourself for what happened at the docks. No one else does…so you have to stop."

"I don't feel at home here," Jo admitted. "It's not the same. Kyle's gone and Jamie…she's different."

"And you have to adjust to it all of it," Blair said bluntly. "Jo…it's not going to be easy. And that's why we are all here to help you, but you have to be willing to face these changes yourself."

Jo nodded slowly, "You're right," she agreed. Then she forced a weak smile, "And you know I don't say that very often."

Blair smiled, "Let's go upstairs. You have people waiting."

"How am I going to get up there?" Jo asked with worry. "I can't walk up those stairs and the wheelchair won't work."

"See…this is why I have always pestered you to move into a nice, normal apartment building instead of this crummy walk-up," Blair teased. She picked up her cell phone, "Rick said he'd carry you up. I just need to call him and tell him we're here."

"No," Jo argued. "No way. I am not letting him carry me upstairs."

"Then how do you plan to get up there?" Blair asked. "Seriously Jo…he doesn't mind. It's not a big deal. Then we'll get the wheelchair out of the trunk and bring it up, and then you'll be all set."

"It feels like a big deal," Jo said sadly. "I don't want to have to depend on him…or anyone."

"I know," Blair understood. "But you'll keep up with physical therapy and hopefully before long you'll be able to master the stairs all by yourself. Until then…you have to accept some help."

Jo nodded, "Fine, but if he makes any comments about how much I weigh, I'll knock his teeth out."

Blair laughed, "Oh, I'm sure he knows that, but if not…I can't wait to see you put him in his place."


	61. Chapter 61

It was late and the house was quiet. Jo was laying in bed, listening to the sound of silence surrounding her. She felt out of sorts, like something was wrong. The hospital had been noisy all the time and she figured she must have gotten used to the hustle and bustle. Things seemed too quiet now.

She carefully rolled over on her side. Her back ached and she missed the hospital bed. It had been nice to sleep slightly raised to let some of the pressure off of her back. Her stab wounds had healed, although her back looked horrible; covered with raised jagged scars, but the nerve damage was unpredictable. She felt numb at times, but then the pain could be excruciating minutes later. It wasn't exactly terrible right now, just achy but she was afraid it would get worse.

She tried to take her mind off of the pain she was feeling. She thought back on the events of the day. Rick had carried her up to the apartment and had the decency not to comment on how fat she was. Mrs. Garrett had made pot roast for dinner, and everyone sat around the table talking and laughing and saying how grateful they were to have Jo home with them. Dinner was delicious, and afterwards her mother and Jamie had done the dishes while everyone else gathered in the living room to watch television. Jo knew they were all trying to make things as normal as possible for her, and she appreciated the gesture. Then as if on cue they had all decided they were tired and ready for bed. Jo knew they were trying to make her more comfortable, letting her know it was alright to go to bed early, and she wanted to tell them they could stay up and go about their activities without her, but Blair left to go back to the hotel and Jamie put on her pajamas and everyone seemed ready to fall asleep. So after her mother helped her into bed, Jo tried to fall asleep too. That was when she realized the disturbing silence in the apartment.

She looked at the empty space next to her, and realized it was the first time she had gone to sleep in this bed knowing that Kyle wasn't coming home. Sure, they had spent nights apart when one of them was working or Kyle was on tour…but it hurt to know he was never going to lay next to her again…that he didn't want to. He didn't love her. She wondered where he was and what he was doing and she was mad at herself for even caring. "You're just tired," she whispered to herself as she brushed away a tear. "Stop thinking about all of this and go to sleep."

She took a deep breath and rolled over on her other side. Her back felt a little better this way and she closed her eyes trying to drift off to sleep, but all of the sudden the flutters and tiny kicks inside her made her open her eyes again. She put her hand on the swell of her stomach and sighed, "Calm down…please," she tried to plead with the baby. She wondered what people would think if they knew she talked to the baby when she was alone. They would think she was becoming too attached to him, but they would be wrong. She wasn't attached to the baby…was she? She couldn't very well ignore his presence.

There was a soft tap at the door, and Jo was surprised by the noise amidst the silence. "Come in," she said quickly, in a voice that she realized sounded too loud and too eager. The door creaked open and Jamie walked slowly into the room. "Sweetie…what's wrong? Why are you up?" Jo asked.

"I didn't mean to wake you up," Jamie said softly.

"You didn't," Jo assured her. "I was awake. What's going on? Are you okay?"

Jamie nodded slowly, "I just wanted to…I needed to check on you…cause I was worried about you."

Jo smiled gently, "That's sweet, but I'm fine. I promise."

"I wanted to see you," Jamie said tearfully. "I wanted to see you in here in your bed and know you were actually home. I was asleep, and when I woke up I was afraid it was all a dream…that maybe you weren't really here."

"Oh sweetie…I'm here," Jo whispered. She motioned for her daughter to come over to her, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Mom," Jamie asked with a shy voice. "Can I sleep in here? Would it be okay? I'll lay in the floor…"

"No…you don't have to sleep on the floor," Jo pulled back the covers. "Curl up here with me. I'm kinda lonely in here anyway." Jamie climbed into bed next to her mother and Jo wrapped her arms around her daughter. Before long they were both sound asleep


	62. Chapter 62

Jo was alone when she opened her eyes the next morning. The sunlight was shining through the bedroom window and she used her hands to shield her eyes from the bright light. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand she could see it was almost noon. She wasn't used to sleeping without the interruptions from doctors and nurses throughout the night, and she was surprised she had actually slept so late. Her back was stiff and her legs ached as she tried to move. She moaned instinctively as she sat up in bed and wondered if she would ever feel pain-free again.

The door opened slowly and Blair peeked her head around the corner. "You're awake," she smiled. "I was wondering when you'd wake up. Your mom and Mrs. Garrett took Jamie and went grocery shopping and I've been all alone here." She walked over and sat on the bed next to her friend. "You must've been pretty worn out, huh? How are you feeling this morning?"

"Sore," Jo admitted. "But glad to be home in my own bed. I really need to go to the bathroom," she said as she put her hand on her stomach. "The baby...makes me so uncomfortable."

"Do you want me to get your wheelchair?" Blair asked readily. "Or I can help you walk."

Jo nodded, "I think I can walk…if you can hold me steady." Blair helped her to her feet, and let her lean against her for balance. Jo carefully put one foot in front of the other, moving slowly towards the door. "Thanks," she whispered. "I wish I could do this on my own." As she moved her stiff legs, she wished she had decided to use the wheelchair, but she wasn't going to admit that now.

"It's okay," Blair assured her. "You're doing really well. Pretty soon you'll be walking all by yourself. Until then, we all want to help."

Jo knew her friends wanted to help, but that didn't ease her mind. She felt like a burden to them and she missed her independence. She let Blair help her into the bathroom, and then insisted she would be fine to take care of things on her own. After she went to the bathroom, she steadied herself at the sink and looked into the mirror. She planned to pull her hair back, but as she carefully lifted it away from her face she noticed the scars, still visible on her hair line. So she let her hair fall back around her face. Looking in the mirror she barely recognized the person staring back at her. The plastic surgeon had done a good job, but her face still seemed different somehow. It wasn't anything to do with the reconstruction though, it was something else. Her face lacked the spark it once had. Her eyes seemed dull.

She reached for her toothbrush, still sitting in the holder where she had left it months ago. Kyle's was there too…as if things were exactly the same as they'd always been and it angered her. She picked up his toothbrush and threw it in the trashcan beside the sink. Then she squeezed the blue minty toothpaste on her own brush. At the hospital, the nurses had made her use some sort of rinse instead and she realized she missed the normalcy of something as simple as brushing her teeth. But as she began to brush, she instantly regretted it. The taste of the toothpaste made her sick and the feeling of the brush moving back and forth made her gag. She pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth, coughing and choking, vomiting into the sink. She dropped her toothbrush, grasping the sink with both hands to try to keep her balance.

"Jo?" Blair knocked on the door. "Are you alright?"

Jo turned on the water, rinsing her mouth and then the sink. "I'm fine," she said tearfully. "Really…I'm okay."

Blair pushed open the door and watched as her friend clenched the edge of the sink, trying to keep her balance while tears streamed down her cheeks. Blair put her arm around her, allowing Jo to lean into her. Then she turned off the running water and put the toothbrush back in the holder. "Are you sick?" Blair asked. "Do you need to lie back down."

Jo shook her head, "I just gagged on the toothpaste," she sniffled. "I'm fine now."

"Then why are you crying?" Blair asked with concern.

"Because," Jo answered with a soft whimper. "I can't do anything. Not even brush my teeth. I just want to be normal."

"You are normal. Lots of pregnant women gag on toothpaste," Blair said seriously. "Really…it's in all the books I've been reading since Tad and I decided to try to get pregnant."

"But I don't want to be pregnant!" Jo screamed. Tears ran down her cheeks. "I don't want to be in so much pain. I don't want to have to ask someone to help me walk to the damn bathroom or throw up when I brush my teeth. I just want my life back."

Blair didn't know what to say. She held her friend close, supporting most of Jo's weight herself since her friend had obviously been on her feet too long and had lost her balance. "Let me help you back to bed," Blair said gently. "You'll feel better if you get off your feet."

"Why did Kyle leave his toothbrush here?" Jo asked painfully. "He took everything else. Why didn't he take his stupid toothbrush?"

"Jo…he probably just forgot it," Blair said honestly.

"Maybe," Jo shook as her muscles seemed to weaken and it was all Blair could do to hold her up. "But it was a real slap in the face for me to come in here and find it, like everything is just like it used to be."

Blair didn't say anything. She helped Jo steady herself, and guided her back to bed. After she helped Jo lay down she sat on the bed beside her. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I hate that you have to go through all of this."

"I just want to live my life," Jo said sadly. "I want my old life back. I want my husband and my daughter and my job. I can't accept this…I wish I could, but it's too hard."

"Jo…I know it isn't easy," Blair said. "But I know you'll get through it. And I'm here to help you." She lay down next to her friend and leaned her head against her shoulder. "I've missed you…you know that? It's been a long time since we've had time to talk."

"We talked at the hospital," Jo reminded her.

"That's not the same thing," Blair insisted. "And you haven't been to New York in ages. And before all of this…I hadn't come here either. Why?"

Jo shrugged, "I don't know. I didn't want to go back to New York after all the things I did to get Jamie. Maybe you didn't want to come here because you felt guilty for helping me."

"I did the right thing," Blair said seriously. "I've always known that Jo. Jamie belongs with you…and I've never regretted giving you that money." She sighed, "But maybe I have felt a little guilty about all of the lies."

"Me too," Jo agreed. "I wish I had told Kyle the truth. I thought if I did, he wouldn't want to keep Jamie. And it would have ended our marriage. I couldn't face that at the time, but maybe it would have been for the best. I mean, he's not the man I thought he was…or he wouldn't have expected me to abort this baby or left when I was in the hospital. I just don't know him at all anymore."

"Jo…can I ask you something?" Blair asked reluctantly. "It's kind of personal…and I don't want to overstep, so if I am just say so…"

"What is it Blair?" Jo asked. "I'm pretty sure you can ask me anything you want."

Blair looked nervously at her friend, "When you told him you were pregnant, were you hoping Kyle would say he wanted to keep the baby."

"I don't know…" Jo admitted. "Maybe. I didn't want to keep the baby, but it would have been nice if he could have accepted it. You know…given me a choice. Made me feel like it would be okay no matter what I wanted to do."

"When you asked me to adopt the baby…were you serious?" Blair asked.

"Do you want the baby?" Jo asked hopefully.

"I don't know if it's a good idea," Blair said truthfully. "It's your baby. It wouldn't feel right."

"Then why did you even bring it up again?" Jo asked with disappointment.

"Because…I wonder if you've really thought this through…giving the baby away," Blair felt tears stinging her eyes. "I want you to think about it…if it's really what you want to do."

"It's what I have to do," Jo cried. "Why can't anyone understand that? It's best for the baby. I don't love him. He can't go through life with a mother who doesn't love him…who never wanted him. I won't do that just because I am being selfish and thinking about what I want instead of what this baby needs."

Blair looked as her friend sobbed and felt terrible for even bringing up the baby. "Jo…I'm sorry. Please don't cry. I never meant to upset you."

"I'm fine," Jo sniffled. "But I just need people to leave me alone about the baby…okay?"

"Okay," Blair sat up and looked lovingly at her friend. "How about I make us some lunch? Are you hungry?"

Jo snickered, "Always," she forced a smile. "But I'm not sure I'm feeling up to eating your cooking."

Blair laughed, "I'm sure Mrs. Garrett has some leftovers in the fridge." She stood up and walked towards the door. "You rest up, and I'll be right back."


	63. Chapter 63

A few weeks later things were finally getting back to normal for Jo. She still hadn't heard from Kyle, but day by day she was working on putting the pain behind her. It wasn't easy, but Jamie kept her motivated to stay positive. She still slept in her mother's room every night, and Jo didn't mind at all. She knew for Jamie's sake she should probably encourage her to sleep in her own room, but she didn't have the heart to sleep alone either. All of that was about to change though, because Blair was going home to New York for a few weeks and had invited Jamie to come along. Jo knew Jamie wanted to go, and as hard as it was for her to let her daughter go she knew it was the right thing to do. Jamie had been under a lot of stress lately as well, and it was only fair to let her have a break.

Therapy had been going well and Jo was proud that she could actually walk unassisted now. It wasn't easy and took a lot out of her, but she could do it and made the effort to walk as much as possible. Because of her recent successes, it was possible for her mother to go home to the Bronx, promising to return closer to time for the baby to born. While Jo missed her, she was glad her mother was able to get on with her own life. Slowly things seemed more and more manageable and Jo felt like she might actually have her life back on track.

Sitting in the living room she was doing her best to fold the laundry. She knew Mrs. Garrett would be upset with her when she came home from shopping with Blair and Jamie to discover Jo had taken it upon herself to work on household chores, but Jo figured it was as good a time as any to get back into the swing of things. She had to admit it wasn't easy though. Her back ached and her belly was in the way as she tried to bend over to grab the clothes from the basket. The pregnancy was making her more and more uncomfortable all the time and as much as she hated to admit it, she was too big for most of her clothes. Blair kept threatening to come home with maternity clothes every time she went shopping, and Jo was pretty sure she was going to have to give in soon. In fact, looking down at the sweat pants she couldn't pull over her stomach and the old flannel shirt she'd barely managed to button up, she knew that she couldn't go through the rest of the summer like this. She was already sweating with the air conditioner on high, and the temperatures were only going to get hotter.

She had finished folding a towel and tossed it into the nearby basket when she heard a knock at the door. She carefully pulled herself up from the couch and made her way slowly to the door. She was out of breath by the time she pulled the door open, but there was gratification in knowing she could answer the door by herself. Rick smiled when she answered the door and walked inside, "Hey…are you alright? You look tired."

"I'm fine," Jo said as she closed the door. "Just out of breath from walking."

"Here," Rick took her arm. "I'll help you back to the couch."

As much as she preferred to walk by herself, Jo couldn't deny that she was exhausted and could use some help, so she let Rick guide her back to the couch. "What're you doing here?" she asked as she fanned herself with her hand.

"I just came to check on you," Rick said with concern. "Do you need me to get you something? You look miserable."

"I'm just hot," Jo continued to fan herself. "Maybe you could get me some ice water?"

"Sure," Rick ran into the kitchen and came back quickly with the water. He watched as Jo took a big sip and then ran the cool glass across her forehead. "It's so hot in here," she said as she seemed to gasp for breath.

"No it's not," Rick sat beside her. "I'd say it's actually cold in here. You have the AC going full-blast." He looked at her clothes and sighed, "Maybe if you weren't dressed like it was the middle of winter you wouldn't be so hot."

Jo looked embarrassed. "None of my other clothes fit," she mumbled and then burst into tears.

"Oh Jo…I'm sorry," Rick tried to comfort her. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just didn't want you to make yourself sick dressing in winter clothes all summer…"

"It's not your fault," Jo cried. "I'm so fat. I just keep getting bigger and bigger…"

Rick put his arm around her, "Ssshhhh…don't cry," he wiped away her tears and smiled gently. "It's not your fault. The baby is growing."

"But I'm a blimp," Jo continued to cry. "I can't stand to look at myself."

"You need some bigger clothes," Rick said softly, "But you look great." He smiled, "Really…you look wonderful."

"You're a terrible liar," Jo brushed away her tears and tried to pull herself together. She hated being overly emotional about stupid things. "Why are you here again?" she asked with a sniffle.

"I knew you were here alone and I wanted to check on you," Rick admitted. "I saw everyone leave earlier…I just didn't want you to be alone for too long."

"That's nice…but I'm fine," Jo sat her glass of water on the end table. "I was just doing the laundry, and it felt nice to actually do something productive around here." She fanned herself with her hand again trying to cool off, "I just wish I had something else to wear. I should've given in and bought maternity clothes when Blair wanted me to. I wish Kyle had at least left a t-shirt or something here…I could wear that, but all of my clothes are way too small now."

Rick smiled, "Yeah…but at least when you keep growing you know the baby is healthy." He watched as Jo shifted uncomfortably. He knew she still preferred not to talk about the baby even though her pregnancy was obvious. "You know," he said softly. "I could run downstairs and get you one of my t-shirts to wear. I'm sure it would be more comfortable for you…cooler at least…"

"No," Jo insisted. "You don't have to do that."

"It's okay," Rick stood up from the couch and headed towards the door. "I want to."

Before she could argue anymore the phone rang and Rick walked out the door. She hated to impose on him or let him get too close emotionally, but there seemed to be no way to keep him out of her personal life anymore. Ever since he had found out Jamie knew the truth about him being her biological father, he had made himself a permanent fixture around the apartment. It made Jo uncomfortable, but at the same time she felt she owed both Rick and Jamie the chance to build their relationship. She reached over and grabbed the phone, "Hello?"

"Jo?" Kyle's voice sounded broken through the static on the line. Jo felt her whole body tense up at the sound of his voice. She had wanted to talk to him, but the surprise of his phone call left her speechless. "Jo…are you there?" Kyle asked again.

"Yeah…I'm here," Jo replied, her voice shaking. "Kyle, where are you?"

"I can't tell you," Kyle said anxiously. "But Jo…listen…I need you to know that I'm in some trouble, but I'm alright. I just need you to call off the cops you have checking me out."

"I don't know what you mean," Jo lied.

"The hell you don't," Kyle yelled. "There are cops trying to look into my past…trying to track me down. I know you told them to Jo. Call them off…please. I promise to tell you the truth as soon as I can, but having the cops nosing around isn't helping anyone…and you won't like what they find out."

"What have you done?" Jo asked, the fear apparent in her voice. "Kyle…please…"

"Just do what I said," his voice was stern. "I mean it Jo…call your police friends and tell them to stop."

Jo tried to think of what to say, but she heard a click on the line and knew Kyle had hung up on her. She put down the phone. Rick walked back into the apartment to find her staring mournfully into space. "Hey," he said as he sat beside her and handed her the t-shirt he had in his hands. "What's going on? What's wrong?"

Jo looked at him and didn't know what to say. She wanted to tell him that Kyle had called, but she was afraid to share more of her burden with him. "Nothing," she cleared her throat and gave a weak smile. "Thanks for the shirt." She carefully pulled herself up from the couch and walked slowly into the bedroom to change.


	64. Chapter 64

The next day Jo was trying to keep her emotions in check as she prepared to say good-bye to Jamie and Blair. She wanted to go with them to the airport, but she felt like it was too much trouble for anyone to try to help her down the stairs and then back up again. Besides, she had strained her back bending over to do laundry the day before and the pain was nearly unbearable. Mrs. Garrett kept offering to get her pain pills, but Jo was holding out as long as possible without taking them. The doctor said they were relatively safe for the baby, but since he couldn't say they were 100% safe, Jo didn't want to risk it. As she lay in bed, unable to move without pain, she was mad at herself for trying to do too much too soon.

"Jo?" Blair knocked on the door and peered her head into the room. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah," Jo said softly as her friend walked into the room. "Are you all packed?"

Blair sat beside her on the bed and nodded, "Yes, and Jamie is too. Are you sure you're okay with her going? I know you don't want to let her."

"I'm gonna miss her, but she needs to get away," Jo admitted. "Besides, it might be easier if I can get all the adoption paperwork and stuff done without her here. I think she still has it in her head that I might keep the baby. When she looks at me, I get the feeling she is trying to bond with the baby."

"It's not easy for her to understand," Blair said gently. "She's trying."

"I know…I'm just mad at myself for telling her," Jo sighed. "I know I'm getting pretty big, but I still think I could have hidden this a while longer with some bigger clothes. Then she could have gone with you to New York and maybe started school at Eastland in the fall. I could've had the baby in October and she could've come home after first semester and never known the truth. Now…she's always gonna know I gave her brother or sister away."

"You had it all planned out didn't you?" Blair asked sympathetically. "Why did you decide to tell her?"

Jo shrugged, "Mrs. G said I should. She said Jamie deserved to know the truth and that I've lied to her too much. She's right about the lies. I should have been honest with everyone about Rick being her father. Heck…I still haven't been honest enough; I haven't told Jamie that Kyle and I never legally adopted her. I don't know how to do that. But I can say with certainty that Mrs. G was wrong about me telling Jamie I'm pregnant. I shouldn't have done that."

"It'll do you and Jamie both some good for her to come to New York," Blair said seriously. "It will give her time to just be a kid, and it will give you time to make some plans." She looked lovingly at her friend, "Did you contact an adoption agency?"

Jo nodded, "Mrs. G called around for me. She found one that she liked and then I called and talked to one of their social workers." She stopped talking and put her hand gently on the swell of her stomach, "This is harder than I thought it'd be. I don't feel like I am getting attached to the baby, but thinking about giving him to strangers, never seeing him again…" she felt tears stinging her eyes. "It's not easy."

Blair put her hand softly on top of Jo's. "I know it's not," she said honestly. "And you still have time to think things through. The baby won't be here for a few more months."

"Yeah, I know," Jo sniffled and tried to stop her tears. "I just hope I can find a family that feels right to me…people who I know are going to love this baby more than life itself. Then I think I'll be able to make peace with it."

Blair nodded sadly. There was a soft knock at the door and Jamie pushed the door open, "Can I come in?" she asked nervously.

"Sure sweetie," Jo wiped her tears and forced a smile. "Are you all ready?"

Jamie sat next to her mother and nodded, "I'm gonna miss you," she hugged her mother. "I'm not sure I should go."

"Oh, I'm gonna miss you too sweetie," Jo kissed her on the cheek. "But you should go. You're gonna have so much fun and it'll give me some time to rest and when you get home hopefully I'll be feeling better and we can get things back to normal around here."

"I'm only going for a few weeks," Jamie reminded her.

"I know," Jo smiled. "I'll be counting down the days. Maybe with my physical therapy I'll be able to really walk well by then and we can go somewhere or do something fun when you get back."

Jamie smiled, "Maybe…but don't overdo it Mom. Rest…okay?"

Jo hugged her daughter, "I love you."

Jamie returned the hug and kissed her mother on the cheek, "I love you too," she said. Then she looked at Blair, "Mrs. Garrett is ready to take us to the airport."

"Okay," Blair nodded and stood from the bed. She watched as Jo and Jamie embraced one more time and Jamie said good-bye to her mother and headed out the door. Blair looked at Jo and knew she was trying to keep her emotions in check. Saying good-bye to her daughter, even for a few short weeks was breaking her heart. "I'll take good care of her," she promised and hugged Jo herself.

"I know," Jo said with a soft sigh. "She has a great time with you. I know she'll have a blast."

"I'll have her call you every day," Blair promised.

"Thanks," Jo whispered.

"Call me if you need anything," Blair insisted. "I'll only be a flight away."

"I know Blair," Jo forced a smile. She appreciated all Blair wanted to do for her, but it didn't stop her from being sad about saying good-bye to her friend or her daughter. "Thanks for everything."

Blair smiled, "I bought you some things," she said quickly. She could tell from the look on Jo's face that she was about to argue with her over spending money on unnecessary items so she spoke again quickly. "Just a few clothes so you can be more comfortable. They're in the closet and you can wear them whenever you feel like your others won't work for you anymore."

Jo looked down at what she was wearing. The red t-shirt Rick had loaned her fit well enough for now, but her pants were way too small and the elastic waistband was rubbing red marks against her skin. She laughed a little, "Thanks…I guess I'm in no position to argue now, huh?"

Blair smiled gently, "I'll call you when we get to New York. Rest up." Then she waved good-bye and left.


	65. Chapter 65

Later that evening Jo was propped up on the couch, trying to get comfortable. She had given in and changed into one of the outfits Blair had bought for her and she was amazed at how much smaller she looked when her clothes weren't skin tight. The pale blue shirt hung loose around her body and her denim maternity shorts were not digging into her skin. She ran her hand along her belly, and let the bulge take shape under her clothes. The baby kicked at her and she smiled slightly, "Are you more comfy in there now…with more room to move around?" she asked with a soft chuckle.

"Did you say something?" Mrs. Garrett asked as she walked in from the kitchen.

Jo looked up at her, embarrassed to be caught talking to the baby. She quickly shook her head, "No…I mean I did…but I was talking to myself."

Mrs. Garrett smiled a knowing smile. She sat down and looked at Jo. "How are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

Jo shook her head, "I'm fine. My back is so kinked up though. I can't get comfortable."

"Can I do anything to help?" Mrs. Garrett asked sympathetically. "Do you want me to try to rub out the kinks?"

Jo shook her head, "No…I'll be okay." Sometimes it hurt worse to let someone rub her back; the pain was so unpredictable and she didn't feel like exposing her scar-ridden back to anyone, even Mrs. Garrett.

"Do you want something to eat?" Mrs. Garrett asked. "I can get you something. You look hungry."

Jo laughed a little, "I _look_ hungry?" she asked. "How does someone _look_ hungry?"

Mrs. Garrett smiled, "Pregnant women always look sick or hungry. You don't look sick, so I figured you must be hungry."

Jo put her hand on her stomach, trying to calm the baby's eager kicks. She giggled, "Fine…I could eat."

Mrs. Garrett nodded, "What do you want sweetie? I can make you something or go get something."

"I don't know," Jo said slowly. "Anything is fine."

"Jo…really? You can tell me if you want something specific," Mrs. Garrett insisted. "I know you have cravings sometimes. It's normal…you might as well enjoy eating what you want. It's one of the perks of being pregnant."

Jo felt uneasy listening to Mrs. Garrett refer to her pregnancy, but she had to admit she was getting hungrier just talking about food. "I don't want you to go to any trouble," she sighed. "Besides, I shouldn't be eating a lot anyway. The doctor said I have to really watch how much I gain. I'm not very active and my back is already in horrible shape. If I'm not careful, I could get really big and end up bed-ridden for the rest of the pregnancy."

"Jo…sweetie," Mrs. Garret spoke gently. "You still have to eat."

"I know," Jo agreed. "I do…it's just hard because I feel so big and uncomfortable already."

"You're not that big yet," Mrs. Garrett smiled. "Trust me…you look pretty normal. I know you were upset to have to switch to maternity clothes, but honey it was time. And it had nothing to do with you eating too much. In fact, you've been living on hospital food for so long I think it's time you had something you want…something that tastes good."

Jo shrugged, "Everything you've made for dinner the past couple of weeks has been great. Really…I love your cooking."

"I know you do," Mrs. Garrett put her hand softly on Jo's stomach and smiled when the baby kicked at her. "But let's just indulge the baby for once."

"Fine," Jo gave in. "I want a peanut butter sandwich."

Mrs. Garrett looked unsure, "Really? That's all?"

Jo nodded, "Yeah…it sounds good. But just peanut butter…no jelly. Oh…and corn chips with bean dip…the kind with the tiny cut-up jalapeños in it. And a cherry slush from that drive-in down the street."

Mrs. Garrett laughed, "Is that all?" she asked.

Jo nodded, "See…that's why I didn't say anything. My cravings are stupid and I don't want you to have to run all over to get the stuff I want. Anything we have here is fine…really."

"Honey…don't worry," Mrs. Garrett smiled when the baby kicked yet again. "I'll go get what you want. It's no trouble."

"Really?" Jo asked unsure. "I don't want to bother you."

"You're not," Mrs. Garrett insisted as she stood up and headed toward the door. "You sit there and rest, and I'll be back in a while."

"Thanks Mrs. G," Jo's voice quivered.

Mrs. Garrett spoke softly, "You're welcome honey."


	66. Chapter 66

The phone rang and Jo leaned over to answer it, "Hello?" she said quickly.

"Mom?" Jamie's voice was excited on the other end of the line. "We're here. The plane ride was good. We're getting ready to go out for dinner with Aunt Nat and Aunt Dorothy. Tomorrow Aunt Blair said I can go to Grandma's for the day."

"Slow down," Jo smiled at the sound of her daughter's voice. "I'm glad you made it there safely and you're having a good time so far. I know it's going to be a great trip."

"I miss you though," Jamie said honestly.

"I miss you too baby," Jo said gently. "I love you."

"I love you too Mom," Jamie said softly. "I'll call tomorrow. Bye."

Jo hung up the phone. She missed her daughter and she hadn't even been gone an entire day. Thinking about her all the way across the country made her sad. When Jamie and Kyle had gone to Peekskill for Thanksgiving she had been so busy with work she hadn't had time to focus on how much she missed them. Now she had nothing to take her mind off her loneliness.

She thought about Kyle's phone call the day before and chills went up her spine. He had basically threatened her to call off the cops. It scared her a little because she felt like she didn't know him anymore and wasn't sure what he was capable of. She knew she had to call the station and either let Mike know what was going on or else tell him to forget about checking out Kyle. She just wasn't sure which would be better.

She picked up the phone and dialed. When someone answered she asked to speak to Captain Jorgenson and was relieved he was still there. It was late and he could have headed home for the day, but luckily he was still at work. "This is Captain Jorgenson," Mike's tone was stern.

"Mike…it's Jo," she cleared her throat trying to find the right words.

"Jo…how are things?" Mike asked with concern. "Any news on when you're going home yet?"

"Actually…I've been home for a couple of weeks," Jo answered.

"I told you to call me," Mike scolded. "Jo…we need to have some officers outside of the apartment. I've had police outside the hospital for a week and you weren't even there?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. But I'm fine," Jo insisted. "There hasn't been any trouble. What's wrong?"

"Jo…I was going to call you," Mike's voice was serious, frightening even. "We have reason to suspect Lonvetti is back in LA."

Jo swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. The thought of Lonvetti in the same city as her made her pulse race. "Is he coming after me?" her voice was fearful. "Does he know where I am?"

"I don't know," Mike said honestly. "But we can't be too safe. I'll put some officers outside the apartment tonight just in case. And we are tracking Lonvetti, we're going to get him this time."

"Mike…I don't…I don't know how to ask this," Jo's voice shook.

"What is it Jo?" Mike asked quickly.

"Did you find out anything about Kyle?" she asked nervously.

Mike was silent for a moment and when he spoke Jo could hear the tension in his voice. "I have some leads, but I can't share what I know with you right now."

Jo could tell he was keeping something from her and as much as she wanted to know the truth, she was afraid as well. "Why can't you tell me?" she asked.

"Nothing is definite," Mike explained. "All I can say is that you need to be careful. If you hear from him…call me…right away."

Jo felt all the color drain from her face. She felt sick to her stomach and her hands were shaking as she tried to hold onto the phone, "Mike," he voice was nothing more than a small whisper. "Please just tell me."

"Jo…I can't. It wouldn't be right because I don't know anything that has been confirmed," he felt awful for telling her to be careful without telling her why, but he couldn't risk telling her what he had discovered just yet. "You and Jamie are going to be safe with the police outside. Just let me know if he contacts you."

"Jamie's in New York," Jo cried.

"That's a good thing," Mike said. "She'll be safe there. You just try to relax and take care of you."

Jo knew she should tell him that Kyle had already called her, but she couldn't make her mouth form the words. She wasn't sure why, but knowing her captain was keeping what he knew from her, made her less willing to tell him the truth. She knew it was stupid, but she was a good cop and she deserved to be trusted with information in her own case. She wasn't sure she could give away the only piece of information she had only to let the police block her. from the case "Mike…this isn't fair. I need to know what I'm dealing with here. I shouldn't have to sit here in fear of Lonvetti and now my own husband. Just tell me…"

"Don't be scared," Mike said sincerely. "Things will be okay. And I'll let you know what's going on with Kyle as soon as I have more information."

"No...Mike," Jo heard the click of the line and knew he'd hung up. He wasn't going to argue with her because he knew she'd never give up. Suddenly the room was disturbingly silent. She knew Mrs. Garrett would be home with her food soon and the thought of her friend out there alone worried her. She didn't know what to do. Every noise made her jump and she couldn't calm down. Her mind was racing, trying to figure out what Kyle was up to, trying to imagine how she could protect herself from Lonvetti if he showed up again. She felt dizzy and anxious.

The door opened, and Jo screamed with panic. Mrs. Garrett dropped the bags from the grocery store and rushed to her side. "Jo…honey…what's wrong?" Jo couldn't answer. She was still screaming and crying and Mrs. Garrett did all she could to calm her down. Finally Jo recognized her friend was there to help her and it scared her that she seemed to be lost in her own fear for so long. "Jo…oh honey…you're okay," Mrs. Garrett hugged her close and stroked her hair. "Everything is alright."


	67. Chapter 67

_She was laying still. She wanted to get up, to run away, but there was something heavy on top of her. She couldn't move. She could feel hot breath in her face. It smelled like nicotine and peppermints…two strong smells, neither of which could overcome the other. The smell made her nauseous, but she couldn't turn her head away. She couldn't force her eyes open either. It was as if some unknown force was keeping them closed. Her pulse was racing, her body shook with fear. She couldn't escape and there was no one to help her. As the realization hit her, Jo screamed in terror_.

Mrs. Garrett rushed into the room and flipped on the light. Jo opened her eyes then, still shaking from her nightmare. She couldn't catch her breath and it took a while before she could sit up and look at her friend. Mrs. Garrett sat beside her on the bed and put her loving arm around her. "You're safe sweetheart," she said gently. "No one is going to hurt you." It had been four days since Jo had been told her attacker may be back in LA; four days with the police parked outside the apartment building; and every night had turned out like this one. Jo waking up from her dreams petrified in fear and Mrs. Garrett, rushing to her side.

"I'm sorry Mrs. G," Jo's apology was sincere. "I don't mean to keep doing this. You need your sleep. You shouldn't have to keep worrying about me."

"Don't you worry about that," Mrs. Garrett spoke softly. She took Jo's hand and squeezed it, "Do you want to talk about it? Do you remember the dream this time?"

Jo reluctantly shook her head. She hated to lie to Mrs. Garrett, but she didn't want to share her nightmares with her either. Each night the dreams seemed more and more real to her. As frightening as the dreams were, the thought of telling someone what was happening to her was even more terrifying. She could not speak those words.

Mrs. Garrett hugged her and held her close. She knew Jo was lying. She didn't want to tell about her dreams. Mrs. Garrett wanted to respect her wishes, but she hoped and prayed Jo would open up. She knew the fear from these dreams was eating her up inside. "Do you need anything?" she asked softly.

Jo shook her head again. "I'm fine…really," Jo was starting to calm down and suddenly she was exhausted. She yawned and leaned back against her pillow. "Can you just check…look out the window and make sure the police are there?"

"Of course I will," Mrs. Garrett pulled the covers up around Jo and tucked her into bed as if she were a child. "I'll go right now and look out the front window. I'll come back in if you need me sweetheart," she whispered as she walked to the door. She reached for the light switch, but Jo's anxious voice stopped her.

"Leave the light on," Jo sounded pleading. "Please…just leave it on."

"Okay," Mrs. Garrett nodded. She took her hand off the switch and walked out of the room.

Jo was tired and her body ached with tension. She waited a while, until she knew Mrs. Garrett was secure in Jamie's room. Then she slowly pulled herself out of bed. Her legs were stiff and as much as she hated her wheelchair she decided to use it just this once. She sat in the chair and it took all of her strength to wheel herself over to her bedroom window. She pulled the curtain back, and stared out into the black night sky. She knew the police were on the other side of the building, there was no way she could see them from her room, but she wasn't really looking for them anyway. She knew she had to face her fears, because she didn't like the person she was becoming; a person trapped by her own terror. She looked out the window, and regretting asking Mrs. Garrett to leave the light on. All she could see was her pale, tired reflection staring back at her. She put her face close to the cool glass and squinted past her reflection out into the dark sky. She wondered if anyone was watching her.


	68. Chapter 68

When Mrs. Garrett awoke the next morning she found Jo restlessly sleeping, her head still pressed against the glass of her bedroom window. She woke her up, begged her to get into bed and get some real rest, but Jo insisted she was fine and decided to get ready for the day. Mrs. Garrett knew she was exhausted, but feared falling back to sleep, so she made her breakfast and sat with her while she yawned over her bowl of oatmeal.

Now a few hours later, Jo was lying on the couch, her eyes nearly closed as sleep overcame her, and Mrs. Garret was relieved thinking Jo might finally get some rest. A sudden knock at the door crushed that hope though as Jo's eyes darted open, a nervous expression on her face. "Who is it?" Jo asked, her voice shaking.

"I'll go see," Mrs. Garrett walked to the door. "I'm sure it's just Rick or one of the officers from outside. Don't worry." She peeked out the door and smiled, "Its Martin. Mason from next door. I wonder what he's doing here." Mr. Mason was a widower in his seventies. They often ran into each other outside the apartment or at the grocery store and had become fast friends. Mrs. Garrett opened the door and smiled, "Martin," she said with a smile. "Come on in."

Mr. Mason walked into the apartment and glanced at Jo staring at him from the couch. "Jo," he nodded pleasantly. "It's good to see you home from the hospital. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine Mr. Mason," Jo said softly. "Thanks for asking."

He smiled, "You look well. When is your baby due?" he asked.

It was the first time anyone who didn't know her plans to give the baby up had asked her about it and Jo wasn't sure how to respond. She wondered how much her neighbor knew about what had happened to her and she was reluctant to say anything at all, but she knew that would be rude. He was obviously trying to be polite. "October," she said matter-of-factly.

"That's just a couple of months," he said cheerfully. "I guess you and Kyle must be getting pretty excited, huh? When is getting back from his tour?" Jo didn't know what to say and luckily Mrs. Garrett interrupted.

"Martin, what brings you here?" she asked, trying to take some of the pressure off of Jo. She knew Jo wasn't ready to share any of what was going on with a neighbor she barely knew, just as Martin didn't realize he was being intrusive.

"Oh," he looked at her and smiled. "Edna, I wondered if you might want to go out to lunch."

She wanted to go. She longed for the chance to get out of the apartment and just talk with a friend, but leaving Jo was not a good idea. "I wish I could," she said honestly. "But I think I'd better stay here. Maybe you can join us for lunch?" She glanced at Jo for approval.

"Mrs. G," Jo said quickly. "You should go." She didn't want to be left alone, but she also didn't want to face an afternoon of dodging questions from Mr. Mason either. "You haven't had any time to yourself. I'll be fine."

Mrs. Garrett walked over to the couch and sat beside her, "Jo," she whispered. "I don't think I should leave you alone."

"I'm fine," Jo insisted. She lowered her voice, trying not to alert Mr. Mason to the fact that something was wrong. "The police are right outside. You've said that yourself a million times over the past few days. I need to face my fears and move on with my life. Maybe an afternoon alone is just what I need to do that."

"Maybe I should call Rick and see if he can come up here and stay with you," Mrs. Garrett offered.

Jo shook her head, "No…I'll be okay. Go, and have fun."

Mrs. Garrett nodded and then looked at Mr. Mason, "Let me go change," she said softly. She left the room and was gone for what seemed like an eternity to both Jo and Mr. Mason. They waited for her return in uncomfortable silence. Finally Mrs. Garrett walked into the room and kissed Jo softly on the cheek, "You'll be fine," she whispered. "I'll be back soon."

Jo watched as Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Mason walked out of the apartment together. She had to smile, knowing the two shared a mutual crush on one another. Then she carefully pulled herself up from the couch and walked slowly to the door. She turned the lock and checked to make sure the door was secure. Then she pulled back the curtain on the living room window and looked down to the parking lot below. She saw Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Mason get into his car and drive away. Then she searched the parking lot for the unmarked police car and finally found it…two undercover policemen eating fast food sandwiches and sipping soda while they stared up at her. She thought she recognized them, but it was difficult to see from so far away.

She closed the curtain and walked back to the couch. She was nervous being alone, and her pulse was racing. As she lay back against the soft sofa, the baby started to kick and squirm making her back ache. She rubbed her hand over her stomach, "Settle down little one," she whispered calmly. "We're gonna be just fine. No one is going to hurt us." The baby stopped kicking and nestled up under her ribs. Jo realized he was reacting to the comforting sound of her voice and it made her uneasy. Maybe she didn't need to worry about becoming attached to the baby. Maybe her concern should be that this poor baby was becoming attached to her. She turned onto her left side, trying to take some of the pressure off her back. Tears were stinging her eyes, and she felt a few slide down her cheeks. She closed her eyes, rested her hand on her belly, and tried to fall asleep. As frightened as she was of her recurring nightmares, she couldn't face being awake with her thoughts either. In no time she was sound asleep.


	69. Chapter 69

She could hear the banging, but had a hard time awaking from her deep sleep. Suddenly Jo jerked her eyes open, realizing the banging was coming from the other side of her front door. At first she was afraid, but then realized an intruder wouldn't take the time to knock. If someone wanted to hurt her, he wouldn't make his presence known by knocking. Her body was stiff as she tried to get up from the couch. A glance at her watch let her know she had only been asleep a few minutes, but her body ached as if she had been lying in the same position for hours.

"Jo?" Rick's voice called from the other side of the door. "Are you okay? Let me in."

She had a difficult time regaining her balance, but finally managed to get to the door. She opened it slowly and stared at her ex-husband, standing before her holding bags from a restaurant down the street. "What are you doing here?" she asked with a yawn.

"Mrs. Garrett called me and asked if I'd bring some lunch over," Rick answered as he walked into the apartment. "Are you alright? You don't look good."

"I'm okay," Jo insisted as she tried to support her back with her hand. "I was just lying down and I don't think that was such a good idea." The pain was getting worse as she tried to twist her back to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly she felt as if she were losing her balance and grabbed a hold of Rick to steady herself.

Rick put down the bags he was carrying and quickly put his arms around Jo and felt her lean into him. "Hey…just take it easy," he tried to stay calm. He guided her back to the couch, putting some pillows behind her back. "Do you want to call the doctor?" he asked.

Jo shook her head, "No…I didn't mean to scare you. My back is just in bad shape, and when I lay down there is so much pressure from the baby…" her voice trailed off as she cringed in pain and put her head in her hands. "I don't want to take the pain pills…and that's all the doctor will tell me to do."

"Okay," Rick said with sympathy. He gently put his hands on her back, carefully trying to massage away some of her pain. He could feel the jagged, raised scars from the stabbing through her thin cotton shirt, and it made him sick to his stomach. "Just try to relax," he tried not to let his fear come through in his voice.

Jo shook her head, "You don't have to do that," she said seriously. "I know it's uncomfortable for anyone to have to touch my back. It barely helps anyway."

"Jo…I don't mind," Rick said honestly. "I want to help you." He could feel her tension lessen as he continued to rub her back and he wondered why she refused to accept help so much of the time. "Where is Mrs. G?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

"She went out," Jo said, relieved that some of the pain in her back was subsiding. "To lunch with Mr. Mason next door."

"Really?" Rick asked. "I thought she'd be here. When she called and asked me to go get some lunch and bring in over she didn't say she was going out." He let his hands glide up her back to her shoulders and gently massaged the kinks in her neck. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah…thanks," Jo said in a whisper. She turned her head, to look in him the eye and Rick let his hands drop to his sides. "I really do feel better," she said with gratitude. "I'm sorry for putting you in that position…having to help me like that…"

"Jo…I don't mind at all," Rick said truthfully. "You don't have to go through all of this by yourself."

"What did you bring for lunch?" Jo asked, trying to change the subject. She fixed her gaze on the bags Rick had sat by the door. "I'm starving."

Rick smiled, "Barbecue sandwiches, coleslaw and fries. There is a lot though. I thought Mrs. Garrett would be here too."

"That is not a problem," Jo teased. "Because I can eat enough for two people all by myself." She reached her arm out, "Help me up," she said with a sigh.

Rick stood up and helped her to her feet. "Do you need some help into the kitchen?" he asked.

"No," Jo shook her head. "I just didn't feel like hoisting myself up off the couch. I'm huge. I don't know if I can handle getting much bigger than this."

"You're not huge," Rick laughed as he picked up the bags of food and walked towards the kitchen.

"I'm serious Rick," Jo's face showed obvious concern. "I don't know if my body can take this much longer. It scares me. I'm getting so much better at walking, but the weight is really starting to slow me down and my back…I don't know if I can handle this pain much longer." Her voice lowered to a frightened whisper, "I never thought I'd say this…but I'm starting to realize why the doctor thought it was a bad idea for me to carry this baby."

"You're going to be okay," Rick promised. "You have people who care about you and are going to help you through this Jo."

Jo put her hand on her stomach and took a deep breath, "Whoa…" she said with a start.

"What?" Rick asked nervously. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Jo shook her head. "The baby just woke up. It just shocked me because he was so still before. I think he's hungry," she laughed and took Rick's hand, placing it carefully where the baby was kicking. She didn't know why she did it, except that Rick had been asking to feel the baby kick for a while now and she thought she owed it to him somehow after all he'd done for her.

Rick smiled as he felt the baby's tiny kicks, "That is amazing," he said in awe.

"Yeah it is," Jo admitted. She grabbed some food from the containers Rick had sat on the table and he moved his hand from her belly and sat next to her. "Rick…can you do something for me…I mean with me?" she asked reluctantly.

"Sure," Rick answered. "What do you need me to do?"

"I have to meet with some people," Jo said, the grief apparent in her shaking voice. "The adoption agency wants me to meet with some couples…some families…who want the baby…" she couldn't hold back her tears any longer and let herself cry. "I just can't do it alone…I need someone to help me choose…"

"You want me to go?" Rick asked sadly. It took all of his strength to hold back his own tears as he watched her cry. "Of course...I'll go with you. You don't have to do this by yourself."

"Thanks," Jo sniffled. "I just didn't want to go alone, and I don't think Mrs. G should have to go through that." She took a bite of her lunch and didn't say anything else. Rick watched her eat. He wasn't hungry anymore. The thought of her having to meet with complete strangers and then deciding which one should get her baby made his heart ache. Jo didn't want Mrs. Garrett to have to go through the pain of the ordeal, but she shouldn't have to either. "Rick…are you going to eat?" Jo asked bringing him back from his thoughts. "I may be hungry enough to eat my share and Mrs. G's…but I can't eat enough for three people."

Rick forced a smile and took a bite of his coleslaw.


	70. Chapter 70

"I'm stuffed," Jo said with a miserable sigh. "Thanks for bringing lunch."

"No problem," Rick said as he cleared the table. "Why don't you go lay down for a while? You look really uncomfortable."

"I just ate too much," Jo said as she pulled herself up from her chair. "It's no wonder I'm getting so fat."

"You're not fat," Rick said honestly. "You go rest while I clean up from lunch…okay?"

"Fine," Jo said with a sigh. She walked into the living room and lay on the couch. She could hear Rick cleaning up the kitchen and she knew she should offer to help him, but she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. Indigestion was starting to become more and more frequent after meals, and it made her miserable to endure that on top of her other aches and pains. There was a slow knock on the door and it surprised her. She sat up and looked towards the door, wondering who it could be.

Rick came in from the kitchen and looked at her. She could see the nervousness on his face, "I wonder who that could be?" he asked.

"Maybe Mrs. G forgot her key," Jo suggested as she watched Rick walk to the door and look out the peep hole.

He turned and looked at her, "It's your boss," he said with a shrug. "That guy…Mike. I wonder what he wants." He opened the door and Mike stood in the doorway, his face stern.

"Mike?" Jo spoke quickly. "Come on in. What's going on?" She was trying to read the expression on his face, but she couldn't. He was never one to show much emotion. "Do you have news about Lonvetti?" she asked hopefully.

Mike nodded, "Yes," he said, his voice shaking as he spoke. He looked at Rick and then back at Jo, "Jo…would you like to speak privately?"

Jo shook her head, "No…I want Rick to stay." She looked at Rick, still standing by the door and motioned for him to come over next to her. Rick walked over and sat on the edge of the couch. Jo looked at her boss, "What's going on Mike?" she asked.

"Jo…I don't even know where to begin," Mike spoke with a seriousness that was almost frightening. "Lonvetti is dead."

"What?" Jo gasped. "Are you sure? I mean…you're sure it's him?" Her body was shaking and she didn't know why. "He's dead?" she asked again. "I'm safe?"

Mike nodded, "We know it's him. But Jo…"

"Oh my God," Jo let her tears fall. She had never felt relief like this. "How did he die?"

"Jo…I have some news...it's not good…" Mike's tone was even, but his face showed a sense of sadness. Jo was scared by this, knowing it took a lot for her boss to show any emotion at all. Something was wrong. She grabbed Rick's hand and squeezed it, not knowing what to expect. Mike looked her in the eye, "Lonvetti was shot and killed by one of his own men. Jo…I'm sorry to have to tell you this…" he swallowed and cleared his throat. "It was Kyle."

Jo's eyes widened. For a second she thought she had heard him wrong, then she knew she hadn't. She had to catch her breath before she could speak. "Kyle?" she asked in disbelief. "Kyle works for Lonvetti? That's the big secret…that's what you wouldn't tell me on the phone?" She began to sob at the realization. Not only was her husband a criminal, he was involved with the man who had attacked her.

"Jo, I didn't have proof," Mike explained. "I just had a tip. I didn't want to tell you and then find out I was wrong." He watched as Jo continued to cry and hated that he had to tell her more disheartening news. "Jo…there's more. After Kyle shot Lonvetti, the other men turned on him. Kyle's dead Jo…I'm sorry."

Jo could feel Rick put his arms around her and she fell into him, but she couldn't focus on anything else. How could Kyle work for Lonvetti all this time without her knowing? How could he be dead? She was going to have to tell Jamie her father was dead…how could she do that?

"How do you know Kyle was working for that guy?" she heard Rick ask and was grateful he was taking charge of the situation. She couldn't find her voice. "Maybe he was just there," Rick suggested. "Couldn't he have been looking for the guy? Trying to get even after what happened to Jo?"

Mike shook his head, "We had officers outside the hotel when this went down. We've been tracking Lonvetti since he got back into town. And we've been checking out Kyle for a while too. We've connected them to one another numerous times."

"Well why did Kyle kill him then?" Rick asked in disbelief. He couldn't believe he hadn't known the truth about his friend.

Mike spoke slowly, "When they heard the gun shots, the officers moved in quickly. Lonvetti was dead and Kyle was close to it. The officers managed to get the other men into custody. We asked them a lot of questions and from what we can tell, Lonvetti was planning to come after Jo. He'd left town after the attack, hoping she'd die and not be able to identify him. When he made plans to come back to town, he knew he'd have to get Jo out of the way. He got all his men together, told them his plan…"

"I can't listen to this," Jo screamed.

"Jo…you're safe now," Rick held her close. "It's gonna be okay."

"I don't want to hear this," she screamed again. "I don't want to hear about how Lonvetti wanted to kill me…and how my own husband was going to help him. Please…" she begged. "I can't take it."

"Kyle didn't want to help him Jo," Mike explained quickly. "That's what I was getting ready to say. Lonvetti didn't have any idea you were Kyle's wife. According to the other men, when he told them his plan…Kyle begged him not to hurt you. When Lonvetti refused to listen to him, Kyle shot him. Then the other men, trying to protect Lonvetti…shot Kyle. Kyle was trying to save you."

"Really?" Jo asked, her body still shaking in fear and anger. "Was he there that night? The night Lonvetti attacked me?"

Mike shook his head, "From what I can tell from the information I've gotten from the other men…Kyle was nowhere around that night. His main job was selling drugs and bringing the money to Lonvetti and taking his cut. That was it. He was never involved in any of the big-time stuff. One of the guys we have in custody said that after the attack Kyle became more involved…he thinks because he wanted to keep tabs on Lonvetti and keep him away from you. He did some awful things, but in the end, he was trying to protect you."

"That doesn't excuse the fact that my husband is…was…a drug dealer," Jo cried. "How come I didn't know? I should have known? How did he get involved with Lonvetti anyway?"

Mike shrugged, "When you asked me to look into his past, I found some ties to a drug gang in New York."

"Carlos Fernandez?" Jo asked knowingly.

"How did you know?" Mike asked. "I found a lot of information linking the two of them. Kyle worked for Fernandez for years."

"My mother saw them together," Jo sighed. "I should've listened to her."

"Well, Kyle was tight with Fernandez," Mike told her. "Apparently he was even involved with Fernandez's daughter…Sarah. They had a kid together, but he died as a newborn. After that, Fernandez insisted Kyle keep involved with the family 'business' and he kept him busy…buying and selling drugs. Kyle was arrested once, but Fernandez's men got him off without so much as a slap on the wrists. It seems Lonvetti is Fernandez's brother-in-law," Mike explained. "Looks like when you moved here to LA, Fernandez hooked Kyle up with Lonvetti and he just continued dealing drugs here in LA."

"Sarah was Carlos Fernandez's daughter? Lonvetti is Fernandez's brother-in-law?" Jo asked in disbelief. "God…how did I not make these connections myself. What kind of cop am I?"

"You're one of the best Jo," Mike insisted. "You had no reason to suspect your own husband of something like this. Kyle was good at covering his tracks…"

"I still should have known," Jo was angry with herself.

"I feel like this whole mess is my fault," Rick said apologetically. "I introduced you to Kyle. I thought I knew him."

Jo shook her head, "I was married to him for seven years, and I never knew him." She looked at Mike, her eyes red and swollen. "Thanks for finding out the truth."

"I'm so sorry Jo," Mike said sincerely.

"I'll be okay," Jo cleared her throat. "I'm mad at myself…I've been so stupid…but I can't change that now." She let her tears fall, "What am I going to tell Jamie?"

"I don't know," Mike said honestly. "But I know you'll figure it out." He stood up and headed toward the door, "I'm going to go, but you call if you need anything. And I'm letting the officers outside go…you don't need them anymore."

"Okay," Jo nodded.

Mike spoke softly, "And Jo…we're gonna need someone to come down to the station. We need someone to go to the coroner's office and identify Kyle's body."

"Does _she_ have to do that?" Rick asked nervously. "I can do it."

"No...I will," Jo insisted. "I want to see for myself..."

"I know it won't be easy," Mike said. He looked at Jo, "In the next day or two…when you're feeling better."

Jo let out a deep sigh, "I want to go now," she cried. "I want to get it over with…so I can just be done with all of this." She leaned into Rick's chest and he held her while she sobbed.

"We'll be down there in a while," Rick said sadly.


	71. Chapter 71

Jo was in the bedroom changing her clothes. She said she couldn't go to the police station looking so obviously pregnant because she might run into people she knew and she didn't want to explain. Rick tried to convince her that it didn't matter, but she was not in the emotional state to listen to reason. So he sat on the couch and waited for her to come out of the bedroom. He was nervous as he sat waiting for her to return. He didn't know what to say to her; how to help her. He was angry with himself for bringing Kyle into her life and he couldn't help but wonder if she would ever be able to forgive him for that.

"I'm ready," Jo said, her voice flat as she walked into the room. She had changed into jeans and a black maternity blouse that really did make her pregnancy less noticeable.

"Are you sure you feel up to this?" Rick asked.

"I'm not sure of anything anymore," Jo mumbled as she took his arm and let him guide her down the stairs.

"I can do it," Rick suggested. "I can identify the body Jo…you don't have to. Mike should have insisted on that anyway. It would be better."

Jo shook her head, "Mike knows me too well to insist on something like that. I have to see Kyle's body with my own eyes. I have to know it's him…otherwise, it won't feel real to me." She sighed and mumbled, "I don't even know if I want it to be real."

Both were silent on the way to the police station. Rick wasn't sure what to say and Jo didn't seem to want to talk about the situation anyway. He pulled into a parking space near the front of the building and looked at Jo. "Are you gonna be alright in there?" he asked.

She nodded, and opened the door. Rick ran around the car, helping her stand to her feet. Jo took a deep breath, "I hope I don't run into anyone I know in here." She put her hand and her belly and sighed. "I don't feel very well. I think the baby is nervous." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Rick put his arm around her, worried she might lose her balance. "We can go back home…come back later after you've had some time."

Jo shook her head, "I'm okay, and I just want to get this over with." They walked slowly into the police station. They walked to the front desk where a young woman was talking on the phone. She hung up and stared at them and Rick spoke quickly, "We're here to see Captain Jorgenson."

The woman smiled, "Inspector Polniaczek, it's great to see you. How are you doing? We were all so worried. It's great to see you back up here again." Rick knew Jo was probably uncomfortable running into someone she knew, so he was surprised when she smiled and acted like nothing was wrong.

"I'm doing fine Allie," Jo smiled. "It's nice to see you again."

"Are you coming back to work soon," the woman asked. "We all miss you around here."

"That's sweet of you to say," Jo replied. "I don't know if I'm coming back. Maybe in a while…right now though I need to see Mike. Can we go on up?"

"Sure," the woman hit a buzzer and Jo held onto Rick as he helped her walk through the door.

Mike met them in the hallway and they followed him to the coroner's office. Rick could feel Jo's entire body stiffen as they made their way past desks and closed doors. "Jo…I still think we should go home," he suggested. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm okay," Jo insisted. "It's just weird being back here. I'm alright though. I need to do this."

They walked into the coroner's office. An older man with gray receding hair and glasses greeted them. He gave Jo a hug, making comments about how nice it was to have her back and shook Rick's hand welcoming him to the station. "I'm sorry you have to do this," he offered condolences to Jo as he led her across the room. The room was cool and dark and Rick couldn't help but feel uncomfortable by the eerie silence in the room. The coroner led them to a gurney in the back corner of the room. The body was covered by a white sheet and he slowly pulled it down, revealing the pale, lifeless face beneath.

Jo gasped at the sight of her husband, and Rick held onto her, trying not to let his own emotions show. He felt sick at the sight of his friend and he could only imagine how Jo felt staring at her dead husband, especially after learning such disturbing secrets about him.

"Is this your husband?" the coroner asked, ready to mark her response on the chart he held in his hands.

Jo nodded, "Yes," she sputtered as tears streamed down her cheeks. "It's Kyle." She turned and looked at Rick, then at Mike and the coroner. She needed time alone and she hoped they'd give it to her, "Can I have some time alone with him…please?" she asked.

They all looked unsure but finally agreed. It was against protocol to leave anyone alone with a body, but they all agreed it would be best to make an exception this once. The coroner's assistant, a young man with dark hair and glasses was completing paperwork in the corner and he could keep an eye on things if need be. "Tommy's here," the coroner pointed to his assistant. "You take all the time you need and we'll wait outside. Let Tommy know if you need anything."

"Thanks," Jo pulled over a folding chair and sat down as the men left the room. She wasn't afraid to be alone, but she felt uneasy for some reason. She stared at Kyle's lifeless body and wasn't sure what she should feel. She had loved him…the person she thought he was. He had died trying to save her life, and that made her sure he had loved her as well. But he had lied to her about so much and she didn't know if she could ever forgive him for that. "Why did you do this to us Kyle?" she whispered tearfully. "How could the drugs have been so much more important than me or Jamie. We loved you." She knew she would never get the answers she needed and that hurt even more. She stood up, looked into his blank face and whispered, "Good-bye." Then she lifted the sheet and recovered him, not wanting to look at his lifeless body anymore.

She turned to the young man working in the corner. He was trying not to let her know he was watching her, but she could tell he was intrigued. "Tommy," she said bluntly. "I need to see the other body."

"What?" he looked up and asked with confusion. "What other body?"

"The other victim in this shooting," Jo said matter-of-factly. Milo Lonvetti. I need to see his body."

"Well you can't," he said quickly. "I don't have orders to show you that body. I could get in trouble. Why do you want to see him anyway?"

Jo pulled out her badge. She had made sure to bring it, hiding it in her pocket, knowing full well that if Rick or Mike either one knew what she was planning to do they wouldn't have left her alone. "I am an inspector…I outrank you…I want to see that body…now."

Tommy wasn't sure what to do, but he knew better than to argue with a superior. He walked slowly over to the other side of the room. Jo followed him and he looked frightened as he lifted the sheet from the corpse, "This is the guy," he nearly choked on his words.

"Thanks," Jo said without looking at the body. "Get back to your paperwork," she said, trying to sound tough and sure of herself, even though inside she knew she was about to fall apart. "And Tommy…don't mention this to Captain Jorgenson…I mean it. I'll only be a minute."

"Of course inspector," he said knowing he wasn't going to report her. He walked back to his desk and tried to complete the paperwork.

Jo took a deep breath. She was shaking, but it was time to face her fears head on. She didn't remember the attack, and the only knowledge she had of Lonvetti was the picture Henry had shown her before she went to the docks that night. She couldn't go on, fearing this unknown villain. She had to face him, know he was dead, and move on.

She walked slowly towards the gurney, her heart pounding. The baby kicked and she gasped as the realization hit her that the man lying before her was not just her worst nightmare, but also the biological father of the child inside her. "It's okay," she whispered to the baby, trying to calm his swift movements. "We're okay. He can't hurt us now."

She moved closer to the gurney and stared into his blank face. His black curly hair framed his now gray skin. His nose was straight and thin, his lips full. She felt sick to her stomach looking at him. She wanted to turn and run away, but her memory seemed to overtake her and she was trapped in the past. Falling victim to that night all over again.

She was supposed to lure Lonvetti into the trap they had set for him, but he didn't show up and Jo had headed back to the shack to tell the guys they should call it a night. Maybe they'd have better luck next time. Jo pushed open the door to the old shack and it was pitch black inside. She couldn't even see lights from the surveillance equipment. "Guys…" she whispered nervously. She stopped when her foot hit something on the ground beneath her. She looked down and gasped. Henry was laying on the ground, blood pouring from the fresh stab wounds on his neck and chest, his eyes cold and lifeless staring up at her. Jo knelt beside him, "Henry…" she sobbed reaching to feel for a pulse that wasn't there. Then she noticed the other two officers lying beside him. Their throats were slit and Jo nearly vomited as she rose to her feet and attempted to run from the scene.

She could feel the evil in the room, the sense of danger overwhelmed her. She ran to the door, kicking off the high heels that were hindering her stride. She made it to the door, reached to open it, when she felt the cold metal blade against her throat. "Please…don't" she begged, but within seconds the pain engulfed her and everything went dark. Moments later she was conscious again…dizzy but aware, pain encompassing every inch of her body. She was laying still. She wanted to get up, to run away, but there was something heavy on top of her. She couldn't move. She could feel hot breath in her face. It smelled like nicotine and peppermints…two strong smells, neither of which could overcome the other. The smell made her nauseous, but she couldn't turn her head away. She couldn't force her eyes open either. It was as if some unknown force was keeping them closed. Her pulse was racing, her body shook with fear. She couldn't escape and there was no one to help her. As the realization hit her, Jo screamed in terror. A hand covered her mouth, "Shut up!" he screamed as he smacked her across the face.

She forced her eyes open then. It was dark, and his face was blurry. She could hear other people near them. Why wouldn't they help her? "Please…" she begged. "Just let me go."

His eyes were dark and fierce as they looked into hers…an evilness she had never seen before. "You're gonna bleed to death," he said with a cruel chuckle. "I stabbed you more times than I could count. I was gonna slit your throat…like I did to the others, but that would be too easy. I saw you out there…waiting for me…thinking I was some fool who could be tricked by you. You're not even pretty…I don't know why the hell they thought you could catch me. No one is ever gonna bring me down. I don't know why you and your cop friends ever even tried. It was stupid. You're stupid…but you know that now…don't you…"

"I can help you…" she pleaded. "I can get you a deal. I won't tell them what you did to me…I'll say it was someone else…please…" she sobbed, sickened by her desperate attempt to beg for her life.

There was a sudden blow to her face, and she could hear the bones shatter as she choked on clumps of her own blood. "I told you to shut up!" he screamed and spit in her face. "Who do you think you are?" She couldn't see him anymore. Blood was filling her eyes and she could feel the swelling. "You're nothing…" he spit at her again and all she could do was pray for God to let her die. She couldn't survive this…she didn't want to.

Then he raped her, and she didn't do anything to try to stop him. She didn't scream, or cry, or try to fight. She knew it wouldn't make any difference. She just laid there, darkness surrounding her and prayed for death to come quickly and take away her pain. She wasn't sure how long it took, but she did lose consciousness and didn't wake up again until she was in the hospital. Everyone thought she had been unconscious during the attack, she'd thought so too until now. The doctors said it was better that she didn't remember.

She stared at the corpse on the gurney, her entire body overcome with anger. "You bastard!" she shrieked as she pounded him with her fists and watched his lifeless body bolt and jerk with her fierce blows. "How dare you…" she cried. "How dare you touch me like that…" she was sick at the sight of him and vomited unexpectedly, his face covered with the contents of her stomach. There was something gratifying about that, but it wasn't enough. Nothing would ever be enough…she could never get revenge on him now. She kicked the gurney with one swift kick and watched as it tipped and his lifeless body fell to the ground. She lost her balance and fell to the ground herself, huddled in a screaming, pitiful ball as Tommy and now the others, Mike, the coroner, and Rick rushed over to her.

The coroner immediately began to assess the body. Rick knelt beside Jo, trying to help her up but she pushed him away. "Jo…calm down," he whispered.

"Why the hell did you bring her over here?" Mike asked Tommy. "What were you thinking?"

"I don't know," Tommy tried to explain. "She flashed her badge and pulled rank on me. What was I supposed to do?"

"Jo…let me help you up," Rick whispered again, trying to calm her screaming and sobbing. "You're okay…"

"I want to kill him," Jo said scornfully. "Me…I want to do it myself…I want to kill him. And I can't…" she wailed. "He's already dead…I wanted to get even…and I never can…"

"Don't let him do that to you Jo," Rick said sincerely. "He's taken too much from you already. Don't let him turn your soul as black as his…honey, just let him go…"

Jo cried and leaned into him. "I wasn't unconscious. When I saw him…I remembered everything. He made me feel so helpless…like I was nothing…" She gasped and looked at Rick, her face white and frozen in pain. She put her hand on her stomach, and cringed again. "Rick…I don't feel right. The baby…" She cringed again in pain and Rick put his hand over hers. "Something's wrong…" she cried.

"You're gonna be okay," Rick promised, unsure if he was telling the truth or a lie and not caring either way. He had to get her to calm down. "I'm sure the baby's fine…" he took her hand and squeezed it. "I think maybe you're just a little overwhelmed and the baby's reacting to that." He wasn't sure of anything, but he was worried about letting her get more anxious than she already was. "Let's go over to the hospital and get things checked out…okay? You're gonna be fine."

"I don't think I can move…" Jo spoke in a weak whisper. Rick looked at her, realizing she hadn't moved from the huddled heap they had found her in when they rushed into the room. He wasn't sure how she had fallen, if she had done more damage to the muscles or nerves in her back, or if she was just too tired from the whole ordeal. "I can't move…" Jo cried out again, her voice feeble and sorrowful.

"Call an ambulance…" Rick yelled to Mike who immediately ran to the phone to call the paramedics across the street. "Don't worry," Rick said, trying to keep Jo calm. "Everything is going to be just fine."


	72. Chapter 72

"Where is she?" Edna Garrett's nervous shriek could be heard clear across the emergency room waiting area. She ran over to Rick who was standing alone in the corner, a lost look on his face. "Where is Jo?" she asked again, pulling him from his thoughts.

Rick looked at her and motioned toward the emergency room doors. "They took her back there…they wouldn't let me go."

"Why not?" she asked with confusion. When Rick had called her from the ambulance he was frantic. She hadn't been able to get many details, just that Jo was being taken to the hospital. "Is it serious…is something wrong with the baby?"

"I don't know," Rick shook his head in defeat. "They won't tell me anything. I'm not her next of kin and Jo was in too bad of shape when we got here to give consent for them to tell me anything. They're going off her admission papers from last time. The only person they will talk to is Kyle."

"Do you know how to reach him?" Mrs. Garrett asked nervously. "I know Jo hasn't heard from him…but has he called you?"

Suddenly Rick realized he had not taken the time to tell her what had happened. She had been out to lunch with a friend when Jo's boss showed up and told them about Kyle and Lonvetti. She didn't know Kyle was dead. "Mrs. Garrett," he led her to a seat near the wall. "We need to talk. A lot happened while you were out with your friend." He proceeded to tell her the whole story while Mrs. Garrett sat in utter shock.

"Kyle's dead?" she asked in disbelief as Rick finished. "And Jo went to the station and confronted Lonvetti's corpse?" She closed her eyes, "What was she thinking?"

"She was tired of being afraid," Rick said honestly. "But it was overwhelming for her. I think the emotions, the memory of the attack, everything just overtook her and she couldn't handle it." He sighed, "Mrs. Garrett…I'm scared for her."

"Me too," Mrs. Garrett nodded. "But we have to be strong for her. And for Jamie…someone is going to have to tell her what's going on."

"I know," Rick agreed. "I want to talk to Jo first. I know she probably wants to tell Jamie herself about Kyle…if she's up to doing that. I wish they would come out and tell us something. I'm worried she is seriously hurt. She couldn't even move when I tried to help her up from the floor at the morgue. And what if she is going to have the baby, someone should be with her. She shouldn't have to go through that alone."

"I'm going to go talk with the admissions nurse," Mrs. Garrett squeezed his hand. "I'm sure if I explain what is going on she will let one of us go in with her."

Before she could make it to the admissions desk a young nurse walked into the waiting room, "Is someone here with Jo Polniazcek?" she asked anxiously. Rick and Mrs. Garrett rushed over to the nurse, anxiously awaiting any news she had to tell.

"Is she alright?" Rick asked quickly.

The nurse nodded slowly, "She's going to be okay. She's alert and talking. Yelling actually. She's been insisting one of us come out here and let someone go back with her."

"She must be feeling better if she's yelling," Mrs. Garrett said with a slight smile. "You're sure she's okay?"

"She's in pain," the nurse answered. "We've given her some medication to control the pain."

"But she couldn't move," Rick reminded her. "She said she couldn't move at all."

The nurse nodded, "When she fell, she pinched a nerve in her back, near her spine. It made it close to impossible for her to move. That and she was experiencing quite a bit post-traumatic shock. She's calmed down some and she's doing better with the meds."

"What about the baby?" Rick asked. "She thought something was wrong with the baby."

"The baby looks good on the monitor," the nurse assured them. "She's not having contractions. Again, some of her pain may have been from the trauma she was experiencing. We'll continue to monitor the baby, but everything looks fine."

"Thank God," Mrs. Garrett breathed a sigh of relief. "Can we see her now?"

The nurse smiled, "Sure, one at a time."

"You go," Rick's voice shook. He was relieved to know Jo was okay, but not sure he was ready to see her. He fell into the nearest chair and put his head in his hands. Mrs. Garrett looked at him with obvious concern, but said nothing.

The nurse nodded to Mrs. Garrett, "Follow me."


	73. Chapter 73

Jo was lying back, the bed slightly raised. Her face was red and puffy from crying, but otherwise she looked okay. Mrs. Garrett walked slowly to the bed and hugged her, "Oh honey…are you alright? I'm so sorry…"

"I'm okay," Jo assured her. "I mean…I feel okay…the meds are helping."

"Good," Mrs. Garrett sat beside her and stroked her hair. "I'm sorry about Kyle. I know you had problems…but I know it hurts to lose him this way…"

"I don't want to talk about Kyle," Jo said matter-of-factly.

Mrs. Garrett nodded slowly, "Okay."

"Where's Rick?" Jo asked. "I think I scared him half to death. Will you tell him I'm sorry…for dragging him down there?"

"He's in the waiting room," Mrs. Garrett answered. "I can go get him."

Jo shook her head, "No…I don't want to see him. When you leave…can you just tell him I'm asleep? I can't talk to him right now."

"Jo," Mrs. Garrett spoke softly, "What happened at the morgue? You must have been so scared…"

Jo shook her head slowly, "I wasn't scared. I was mad. I'm still mad."

"Honey," Mrs. Garrett's face turned to a mournful frown, "Why did you try to confront Lonvetti? Why now?"

"Why not now?" Jo sighed. "It was my last chance. I had to look at him. I had to see him and know he can't hurt me anymore." She let a few tears slide down her cheeks. "He's the father of my baby," she sputtered.

"No," Mrs. Garrett spoke gently. "He's not. He attacked you and hurt you. The way he violated you…it's sickening. He doesn't deserve to be called the father of that innocent little baby."

"He may not deserve the title of father," Jo shook her head, "but he is. He's this baby's father. This baby might look like him…or act like him…" she choked on her words. She whispered fearfully, "Mrs. Garrett…I don't think I should have decided to have this baby…"

"Jo," Mrs. Garrett's voice was calm. "You're scared…that's understandable. Don't let the memory of what happened control you like this."

"Earlier…" Jo said sadly. "I was laying on the couch and the baby was restless. I was talking to him…trying to calm him down. And…" her tears muffled her words. She sniffled, "he curled up under my ribs and just calmed right down. It scared me because I'd been worrying about getting attached to him…and I realized the baby is already attached to me. He knows my voice…I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't give him up…" she sobbed. "And now I know…I have to give him up…I have to…I can't raise this baby." She looked seriously into Mrs. Garrett's eyes, "I wish I didn't have to give him up. I wish I could love him. I want to love him Mrs. G…I really do."

"I don't know what to say to you," Mrs. Garrett was honest and it hurt her terribly not to be able to help. "I wish I knew what to say."

Jo spoke with sorrow, "That's because there is nothing left to say."


	74. Chapter 74

"What should I tell Jamie?" Blair whispered into the phone. "I don't know what to say to her."

"I know you don't," Mrs. Garrett said sadly. "But she has to know, and Jo is not in any shape to tell her."

"Mrs. Garrett," Blair choked on her tears, "I cannot tell her that her father died. I just can't. I don't know how to do that."

"Sweetie, you can do it," Mrs. Garrett assured her. "You have to. If I was there, I would do it, but I can't tell her over the phone. She needs someone to hug her and comfort her and let her know things will be okay."

"I just don't think I am the right person," Blair argued. "Jo should tell her."

"Jo is fighting too many of her own demons right now Blair," Mrs. Garrett explained painfully. "She's not strong enough to do it. Besides, you'd have to fly Jamie back here and let her think everything was okay and it would be even more crushing when she found out the truth. Please…just tell her. You don't have to give her a lot of details. Don't tell her Kyle was working for Lonvetti. But you have to tell her that he died. She needs to know."

"I don't feel right about this," Blair insisted. "Jo should tell her. She's going to be angry with me."

"Blair…I know you're right, but there isn't any other option right now," Mrs. Garrett continued to argue. "Just tell her…please…it'll be okay."

Blair reluctantly agreed and hung up the phone. She walked back to bed, trying to think of a way to tell Jamie this horrific news that would change her life. She climbed into bed, and Tad rolled over and looked at her. "What's wrong?" he asked, worried by the strain that showed on her face.

"Kyle's dead," Blair let her tears fall and Tad held her close. "He was working for Lonvetti. He was working for the man who attacked Jo. How? I just don't understand."

Tad squeezed her closer, "Are you going back to LA?" he asked. "To be with Jo?"

Blair nodded slowly, "Yeah…I probably should."

Tad nodded, "You should…she needs you."

"Mrs. Garrett wants me to tell Jamie that Kyle is dead," Blair cried. "She says Jo can't do it…that she isn't strong enough."

"Maybe it would be better if you tell her," Tad said softly. "She should know what to expect when you get back to LA."

"What if Jo is hurt that she didn't have the chance to tell her?" Blair asked. "She's her mother."

"I know," Tad brushed away her tears. "But if she can't do it…I think she would want you to do it. Jamie needs to know."

Blair nodded and leaned into him, "I tell her in the morning."


	75. Chapter 75

The next morning, Blair walked slowly down the hall to Jamie's room. She knew Jamie was awake, having heard her shower going a while earlier. She was still unsure about telling her that her father had died, but ultimately decided it was best to do it now before they flew back to LA and were met with the chaos that was happening there. She still wasn't sure what she was going to say and hoped the right words would come to her. She knocked softly on the door, and heard Jamie's cheerful voice shouting "Come in." Blair had to swallow the tears that were rising in her throat as she thought about shattering the girl's happiness. She pushed open the door and forced a smile as she watched Jamie twirling in front of the mirror in the red dress she had bought her when they went shopping the day before. Even with her hair dripping wet from the shower, she was a beautiful girl.

"What do you think Aunt Blair?" Jamie grinned. "My mom will say I look too grown up in it. It's so pretty though."

"I think you look beautiful," Blair said gently. Blair walked over and sat and edge of the bed, motioning for Jamie to sit next to her. She knew the worry was apparent on her face, because Jamie's face dropped as she looked at her.

"What's wrong?" the girl asked nervously.

"Jamie," Blair began slowly. She put her arm around the girl, but Jamie's body stiffened and she didn't seem to want to accept Blair's attempt at comforting her. Blair couldn't help but think of Jo, and how her stubbornness had rubbed off on her daughter. "Jamie…Mrs. Garrett called last night…"

"Is my mom okay?" Jamie asked anxiously.

"Your mom is fine," Blair assured her. "Honey…it's about your dad."

"Dad?" Jamie asked. "Did he come home?"

"Jamie…sweetie…your dad passed away," Blair had to fight to hold in her tears as she awaited Jamie's reaction, but Jamie didn't say anything and Blair wasn't sure what she should do. She tried to pull the girl closer to her, but Jamie pulled away. "Jamie…do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I understand. I'm not a baby," Jamie's voice quivered, but she refused to break down. "What happened? How did he die?"

Blair wasn't sure how much she should reveal, so she was careful with her answer, "He was shot. Honey, I know this is a shock…I want you to tell me what you're feeling."

"What do you think I'm feeling?" Jamie's eyes were angry and her voice was bitter. "My dad died. I'm never gonna see him again. He's never gonna make me his disgusting beanie weenies or yell at me to do my homework or kiss me goodnight…" her screams faded and were overcome with sobs.

"Jamie," Blair held her close and wouldn't let her pull away. "I know you love him…I know you are going to miss him…"

"I want my mom," Jamie cried. "Please Aunt Blair…I want my mom. I just want to go home…"


	76. Chapter 76

Rick stood outside the door to Jo's hospital room, not sure if he should go inside. Mrs. Garrett had come into the waiting room the night before, telling him Jo was tired and wanted to sleep. He was relieved because he wasn't prepared to see her. Still, he hadn't been able to bring himself to leave and had spent the whole night camped out at the hospital. When he woke up he decided he should call Blair and let her know what was going on, only to discover Mrs. Garrett had already called. Blair wasn't willing to talk with him for long, but she did tell him that she had told Jamie about Kyle's death and Rick's heart ached for the young girl. As much as he now regretted his decision to give his daughter up, Rick still new Kyle was the only real father Jamie had ever known. No amount of remorse he felt for giving up his little girl was going to change that. She would always be Kyle's daughter instead of his.

He looked around the door, and was relieved Jo was still sleeping. He needed to be there for her, but he didn't know what to say to her. He felt like he had ruined her life and everything that had happened to her was a direct result of decisions he had made…selfish decisions that had destroyed not only his own life, but Jo's and Jamie's as well. Cheating on her, having a child with another woman, not fighting for her when she wanted a divorce, and then introducing her to Kyle…he had destroyed Jo's life and he knew it. She knew it too and that was why he didn't want to face her.

Rick walked slowly across the room and sat in a chair beside the bed. He looked at Jo, watching her chest rise and fall with even breaths. She seemed okay. She looked peaceful. He was glad she wasn't facing a restless sleep dreaming about Kyle or the attack or Lonvetti. He wished she could stay in that peaceful bliss for a while, but that wish was quickly forgotten when Jo slowly opened her eyes and looked at him. Her eyes were full of fear and sorrow.

"Why are you here?" she asked groggily. "I told Mrs. G. to send you home."

"I wanted to make sure you were alright," Rick explained. "I didn't want to leave you here alone."

"I'm fine…you should go home," Jo insisted. "They'll probably let me go home today anyway. I'm okay…the baby's fine…"

"Jo…I'm sorry…for all of this," Rick spoke in a frightened whisper. "I feel like this is all because of me…the things I did back then…"

"It's not," Jo shook her head and closed her eyes. She let out a deep sigh, "Every single thing that has happened to me in my life, has been the result of a decision I made…this has nothing to do with you."

"I'm the one who cheated with April," Rick reminded her. "She had my baby Jo. And I let her get away with Jamie even though I knew how much you loved her."

"You couldn't have done anything to keep April from taking Jamie," Jo said honestly. "I know I blamed you, but I always knew it was out of your control."

"I let you divorce me…even though I knew it wasn't what either of us wanted," Rick sighed.

Jo shook her head, "It was what I wanted. I couldn't forgive you and I blamed you for losing Jamie. We never would have made it even if we'd tried to stay together. I didn't want to be married to you anymore."

"Really?" Rick sounded hurt. He knew he had no right to be, but deep down he always thought their divorce was a mistake and he thought it was possible that Jo felt the same way.

"Don't act surprised," Jo's voice was harsh. "Why would I have wanted to stay married to someone who didn't love me enough to be faithful?"

"I thought you had forgiven me for that," Rick answered. "Why did you stay with me after April showed up then? When she dumped the baby on us? You could've left me then."

"I wanted Jamie…" Jo's face was serious, and her tone stern. "I loved her…from the first second I saw her…I wanted her…"

"You know…you're right…" Rick swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "This was never about anything I've done. It's always been about you Jo…about what you want." His voice shook in anger as his voice rose, "You never cared that I was sorry…that I would've done anything to make things right with you…that I gave my child to you…you never cared about what that did to me…did you? You didn't care that you lied to Kyle for years and you were never going to tell him the truth. God Jo, all the lies, the deception, the schemes you've pulled me into, pulled Blair into…"

"Don't stand there and lecture me," Jo argued. "I never lied to you…or to Blair. You both knew what you were getting into. And Kyle…he didn't need to know the truth. He was lying to me too!"

"And you're just as bad as he is!" Rick yelled in return.

"Maybe I am," Jo sputtered. "But I only did what I had to do."

Rick sighed, "I'm sorry I cheated on you. I'm sorry I brought Kyle into your life. I'm sorry for what happened to you…but Jo, you're right…you made the decisions that led to all of this. You didn't have to become a cop. You said you did it to track down April and find Jamie. So when you moved here, you could've quit, but you didn't. I don't understand how you can claim you did all you did because you love Jamie so much…" his anger overtook him and he couldn't control it. "But then you were stupid enough to put yourself in such a dangerous situation! She almost lost you! What do you think that would've done to her Jo? You put yourself in harm's way…you put yourself out there, for Lonvetti to have his way with. And then, last night after all you've been though…all Jamie's been through…you decided to confront his corpse, let your anger take over, and when you fell you could've ended up paralyzed or worse! What would've happened to Jamie then Jo?"

"Just leave!" Jo cried. "You will never understand…just get out! I don't want you here!"

"You know I'm right," Rick's voice was calmer, but he still shook with fury. "The thing is Jo…people make mistakes. Most people can admit to them, and you never can…you never could. What you did to Jamie by taking away her past…what we _both_ did to her…it was wrong. And the fact that she figured it out and felt like she had to lie about…that makes it even worse. How could we have done that to her?"

"I would never hurt Jamie," Jo's voice quivered. "I love her…more than life itself. You know that! Just get out of here and leave me alone!"

"I love her too," Rick said honestly. "She's _my_ daughter."

Jo's eyes widened fearfully, "Get the hell out of my room…NOW!" She watched as he turned and left. Then she burst into angry and hurtful tears.


	77. Chapter 77

Rick wandered around the hospital, the calmness of an early summer morning surrounding him. Every once in a while a stray car would pull in, someone would rush out and enter the hospital, but otherwise he was all alone. He had nowhere else to go. He didn't want to go home, couldn't face going into his lonely apartment and knowing Jo was not safe in hers. He couldn't go back into the hospital, not after all he had said and how angry he had been, how angry he still was. So he walked around the parking lot, hoping security wouldn't think he was some sort of freak and run him off.

Finally he slipped into the driver's seat of his car, but never bothered to turn the key. Why had he been so hurt when Jo said she wanted the divorce? It had happened years ago. Of course she wanted to divorce him. He had cheated on her and hurt her. But somehow he had convinced himself that they were getting closer now, that maybe she loved him a little, that perhaps she had always held onto her feelings for him, the way he had done for her. It had crushed him to learn he was wrong. He was unfair though. Trying to hurt her, trying to make her feel guilty for what happened as a way to ease his own guilt. It was wrong and he knew it. Telling her she only ever cared about herself was over the line. He knew that wasn't true. And telling her she put herself in the situation that caused the attack, he couldn't believe he had said that. Maybe he did feel that way deep down because he never understood her desire to be a cop, but Jo didn't need to know that and it was cruel to tell her.

He looked up at the hospital, his eyes focused on the room he thought might be hers. It was hard to tell from the parking lot. The room was dark, and he wondered if she was sleeping or if she was lying in bed, her heart aching over what he had said to her. He knew how much she loved Jamie, and even though it was wrong for them to deceive everyone the way they had, he also knew Jo thought it was the only way to protect the little girl. He had always known that.

Rick pushed open the car door and anxiously ran back to the hospital entrance. He walked inside, knowing he had to make things right. All the way up in the elevator he tried to think of ways to apologize, ways to tell Jo he was sorry for hurting her, but he couldn't come up with the right words to express how sorry he was. As he stepped off the elevator, he hoped the words would come to him when he saw her. Before he even reached the door to her room, he heard her talking nervously. He peeked around the door and saw she was on the phone.

"No Blair," she cried. "You cannot bring Jamie back here. He's going to take her away from me…please don't." Rick wasn't sure what Blair said, but by Jo's response he assumed it must have been something about Kyle's funeral and how Jamie shouldn't miss. "I'm not having a funeral for Kyle," she replied bitterly. "I'll have him cremated and bury the ashes somewhere, but I don't want a big funeral for him. I don't ever want to see him again…not even in a casket."

"Jo…" Rick's voice shook as he interrupted her conversation. "Let Jamie come home. She needs to say good-bye to Kyle."

Jo looked up at him, and seemed to forget she was talking on the phone, "I told you to leave!" she shouted.

"Jo…please listen to me," Rick pleaded. "I was mad earlier, but I am not taking Jamie from you. Let her come home. You're all she has left Jo…she needs you. And you both have to face what has happened with Kyle." Jo let the phone drop to her side, sobbing uncontrollably. Rick picked it up, unsure if Blair was still on the other end of the line.

"What is going on there?" he heard Blair's fearful voice whisper into the phone.

"She's going to have to call you back," he answered.

"Rick?" Blair asked nervously. "Rick…did you tell Jo you were taking Jamie back? How could you say that to her…especially now?"

"I didn't…we had a little argument, but I never said I was taking Jamie from her," Rick defended himself. "When Jo feels better she'll call you back." He hung up the phone and turned back to his ex-wife. "Jo…you have got to calm down. This hysteria is going to far…it isn't good for you."

"Don't tell me what is good for me," she shouted back at him. "You don't care about me at all! You think I'm selfish…that I only care about what I want. So why should you care at all what happens to me?"

"Jo, I didn't mean that," Rick replied. "I was hurt…but I shouldn't have said it. I know you love Jamie. I know you never wanted her to get hurt in all this."

"I didn't want her to be hurt," Jo cried. "I didn't want her to have to deal with all that has happened to me. And I never wanted her to lose her father."

"I know that," Rick brushed back the hair that was clinging to her face. "Jo, I know Jamie means the world to you. I'm sorry I tried to hurt you with the things I said."

"I didn't want to hurt her," Jo sobbed. "But you were right. This is all my fault. I've lied for so long about so many things…sometimes I forget what the truth is…"

"Jo…that's not true," Rick said gently. "You know the truth…"

"I stole Jamie from you…" it crushed Jo to speak those words, but her tears stopped and she sniffled. "I _stole_ her…"

"No you didn't," Rick shook his head. "Jo, I gave her to you. She needed a mother."

Jo wiped her tears and looked seriously into his eyes, "You didn't want to give her to me Rick. I knew that, but I didn't care. I didn't want you to have her. You didn't deserve her…she should have been _our_ baby…not yours and April's."

"I wish she would have been ours Jo," Rick sighed painfully. "You know that…"

Jo closed her eyes, unable to face him any longer, "You hurt me so badly when you cheated on me. I couldn't understand why April meant more to you than our marriage…why you chose her…what I did that made you stop loving me…"

"I have always loved you," Rick gently caressed her cheek. "You didn't do anything…I was stupid."

Jo shook her head slightly, "I thought you wanted more than I could give you…someone more exciting…someone prettier…I thought you realized you made a mistake settling for me…and I didn't know what to do. And I was mad at myself for even caring…I should have been stronger than to care about it…I should have just left…"

"Jo…April was not more exciting than you or prettier than you," Rick said honestly. "She was just there…and you weren't…and I was an ass who didn't care enough to control myself. My cheating was never about you…it was about me being selfish and stupid."

"I wanted to hurt you," Jo admitted. "The way you'd hurt me. I love Jamie with all my heart. From the day April showed up with her, I just fell in love. She was so sweet and innocent. She was a victim in this whole mess and I just wanted to love her and protect her…"

"I know that," Rick insisted, but Jo interrupted him.

"But…" she continued. "Part of me wanted her so I could hurt you. I needed her to make me feel like my life was worthwhile. I wanted her to love me…more than she loved you. And I made my whole life revolve around her, even after April took her back, because I didn't know who I was without her. When I found her, I was so afraid you were going to want to keep her and I couldn't let you have her. I needed her…she was the center of my universe…and I was wrong to do that to her and to you. You were right when you said I've only ever cared about me…this whole mess has been about what I wanted. I've been so selfish."

"We've all made mistakes Jo," Rick whispered. "I'm living proof of that. I'll never believe you only wanted Jamie to get back at me for cheating…I know better than that. You love her. You're her mother. She's lucky to have you and I thank God everyday that you found her and got her away from April. Who knows what would've happened to her? I don't even want to think about it…"

"Kyle loved her too," Jo sniffled. "I want you to know that. At first he wasn't sure…but once she came to live with us…she melted his heart. I remember, when we first moved here, she was in the second grade and she was in a play at school…Peter Rabbit. She was upset because she didn't get one of the main parts and she had to play a carrot in Mr. MacGregor's garden. She cried and cried because she thought the teacher didn't like her and no one would notice her on stage since she didn't have any lines." Jo wiped her eyes, "I didn't know what to say to her, but Kyle convinced her that she was really the most important character because the rabbits couldn't survive without the food they snuck from the garden. Then he stayed up late and glued little orange sequins to her costume so everyone could see her from the stage. And Jamie was so happy…after the play she said her daddy made her the prettiest carrot in the whole play."

Rick swallowed the lump in his throat, "I'm glad he loved her. I'm glad she had a dad."

"How could Kyle do this to us?" Jo let her tears fall again. "How could he have been such a dangerous person…and none of us knew? How am I supposed to explain this to Jamie? Kyle was working for the man who raped me and left me for dead…how can we ever move past that?"

"I don't know," Rick said honestly. "But you don't have to do it alone. You have all of us…me, Mrs. Garrett, Blair, Nat, and Tootie, your folks…we all want to help you."

"I loved him," Jo cried.

"I know," Rick stroked her hair.

"I loved you too," Jo admitted. "I always wished things would have been different…that you never would have met April, or I would have gone with you on tour, or…I don't know…just that you would have been faithful. But I guess if things were different…Jamie wouldn't be here…and I can't imagine my life without her."

Rick nodded knowingly, "I'm sorry for what I did to you Jo…but I'm glad we have Jamie too. And I promise you…I'm not going to try to take her away from you. I could never do that to her…or to you. You need each other."

Jo nodded, "She needs you too…and I'm sorry I refused to see that before now."

"We both have things to be sorry for," Rick forced a weak smile. "But now…all we can do is move on."

"I don't know how to move on," Jo admitted as she wiped away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "I'm so scared. I don't know who I am anymore."

Rick took her hand and held it tight, "I think…maybe…it would be good for you to get some help with all of this. Find someone to talk to. A psychiatrist who can help you come to terms with everything that's happened. A professional who can help you get your life back on track…"

Jo jerked her hand away, "I'm not crazy!"

"I didn't say you were," Rick insisted. "But you've been through a serious trauma. I saw it at the morgue, Jo…remembering the attack…your eyes were so full of fear. That memory has to be haunting you…"

"Just shut up!" Jo yelled. "I'm fine. I can deal with this on my own."

"I don't think you can," Rick argued. "Jo…you need help."

"Why do you even care?" Jo sputtered. "You said I did this to myself…by becoming a cop and putting myself into danger. So don't pretend like you're worried…you just want to show everyone how vulnerable I am…how I can't take care of myself…or Jamie…"

"That's not true!" Rick tried to stay calm. "I should never have said you put yourself in this position. That was over the line. But Jo, I'm worried about you and I'm worried about what's going to happen to you if you don't get help with this. I love you…"

Jo shook her head, not willing to process what he was saying to her. "Just leave," she cried. "Please...just leave me alone."


	78. Chapter 78

"Jo…" Edna Garrett's voice was soft as she entered the hospital room. She didn't want to disturb Jo's rest if she was asleep.

Jo opened her eyes, her face still lacking any hint of emotion, "I'm awake Mrs. G," she sighed. "Come on in."

Edna walked to Jo's bedside and forced a smile. "How are you feeling? You look better."

Jo shrugged, "I'm okay. I get to go home tomorrow morning."

"That's good," Edna sat down in the chair beside the bed. "Are you still in pain?"

Jo sighed, "Mrs. G, I'm always in pain. Really…I'm fine. The pinched nerve in my back feels better and I can move a little. The doctor said I just have to take it easy, and everything will be fine."

"You gave us all quite a scare," Edna took her hand and squeezed it. "I'm glad you're going to be okay." She smiled a weak smile, "Blair is bringing Jamie home tomorrow. I know you asked her not to, but Jamie is begging to come home and she needs you."

"It's okay…" Jo took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I'm afraid to see her Mrs. G. I don't know what to tell her. I don't know how to explain all of this. But I have to be there for her…she must be so upset. My poor girl…"

"Sweetie, she does need you. You're her mother and she's afraid, but she knows you're hurting too. This isn't easy for either one of you," Edna squeezed Jo's hand a little tighter. "Together…the two of you can figure out how to get through this."

"I don't know how to make this better for her Mrs. G," Jo let her tears fall, leaving wet streaks down her pale cheeks. "I have to make it better…I have to…"

Edna shook her head slowly, "No…you just have to be there for her. Honey, she is going to need you to be honest with her and love her. There is nothing else you can do for her."

"I'm not a good mother," Jo sobbed. "I took Jamie away from her real father, and I let her be raised by Kyle…by someone who has turned out to be…to be evil in so many ways…"

"Jo, you loved Kyle and so did Jamie. Who knows exactly what he did working for Lonvetti? Probably some pretty bad things," Edna cleared her throat. "But he died, trying to save you. You can't forget that. He would never have intentionally hurt you or Jamie…he loved you. When you think about him, you can't let yourself forget that."


	79. Chapter 79

The following afternoon, Jo sat with her back propped up on the couch. The hospital had released her earlier that morning, and she was glad to be home. It had taken some time for her to get upstairs, and eventually Mrs. Garrett had called Rick over to help which was awkward after all that had gone down at the hospital, but now she was just relieved to be in her own home again. She'd had her lifetime's fill of hospitals.

The baby gave her a swift kick, reminding her that she would end up in the hospital again before too long. She didn't want to think about it. Giving birth to the baby and then giving it away was something she avoided thinking about, no matter how often it crept into her mind. She ran her hand over her swollen stomach, trying to settle the baby down but it didn't seem to work. After the events of the past few days, she figured she should be grateful the baby was still alive and well.

The door opened slowly and Jo turned to see her daughter standing there. Mrs. Garrett had left to pick up Jamie and Blair from the airport over an hour ago and staring at her daughter, Jo was relieved and afraid at the same time. Jamie's eyes were red and swollen, she had obviously been crying for a long time. Jo gave her a weak smile and put her arms out to her, "Come here baby…" she let her own tears fall again.

Jamie dropped her bags and ran to her mother. "Mom…what happened? How can Dad be dead?"

Jo held her daughter tight and stroked her long, dark hair, "Oh baby…I don't know how things got this far out of hand. I'm so sorry…"

Jamie buried her head in her mother's chest and sobbed. Jo didn't know what to say to her, so she just held her and let her cry. She kissed her gently on top of the head and was grateful her daughter was home with her, no matter how bad the circumstances were. She needed Jamie, and Jamie needed her mother.

Blair and Mrs. Garrett stood in the doorway, watching with tears in their eyes and Jo and Jamie clung to one another. They closed the door gently and slipped quietly past them on their way into the kitchen in order to give Jo and Jamie time alone with one another. Jo nodded as they passed by her, letting them know she appreciated the time alone with her daughter, and Blair grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently, letting her friend know she was there if she needed her.

"Jamie," Jo whispered, her voice weak. "Baby…I'm so sorry this happened, but we're going to be okay. I promise."

Jamie raised her head, and let her red-rimmed eyes stare into her mother's. "How did he die? Aunt Blair said he was shot. Why? What was going on?"

Jo knew she had to be honest, no matter how painful the truth would be. She took a deep breath, "Jamie, your dad…when he left us…he was involved in some things…" the words wouldn't come to her. She didn't know what to say.

"Bad things?" Jamie asked.

Jo nodded, "He was working for a very bad man…and the things he was doing, were illegal. He was involved in a drug ring. I didn't know…"

"Who shot him?" Jamie asked.

Jo didn't know how to tell her. If Jamie learned her father had worked for Lonvetti, she would never get over it. "He was trying to protect us, baby. He killed the man who raped me…and then some of that guy's men killed him." Jamie didn't need to know her father had been one of Lonvetti's men.

"Your attacker's dead?" Jamie asked. "He can't hurt you anymore?"

"He can't hurt me anymore…" Jo sputtered through her sobs. "And we're going to be okay now…I promise."

Jamie clutched her mother's neck, "I'm glad Daddy killed him," she said. Her voice was dark and painful in a way that frightened Jo more than she could even have expected.

Jo put her arms around her daughter and whispered, "I'm glad we're safe now sweetie, but what your dad did…killing someone…that's never the right thing to do."

Jamie looked sadly at her mother, "It was all he could do to keep us safe," Jamie insisted. "Dad wanted us to be safe. Maybe he did some bad things too, but I know he loved us."

Jo nodded sadly, "Yeah…he loved us," she sniffled.


	80. Chapter 80

Jo had kept her word about having Kyle's body cremated and not having a real service. It had been hard for Jamie to understand, but in the end she knew her mother was going through a lot and could not handle a funeral. Jo did allow Kyle's ashes to be buried in one of the joint cemetery plots they had purchased shortly after they moved to LA. She had no intention of ever being buried next to him though, but Jamie didn't need to know that now.

It had only been a couple of weeks since Kyle had died, but laying on her bed, flipping through the TV channels, Jo wondered if her life would ever resemble normal again. A soft knock brought her back from her thoughts, and she turned to see Blair peeking around the door. "Can I come in?" she asked, without really waiting for an answer. She walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, "Mrs. Garrett took Jamie to the pool for the afternoon. I wondered if you wanted to do something…just the two of us?"

Jo shook her head, "Blair, I am not in the mood to be cheered up…okay?" She shifted, trying to take some of the pressure off her back. Ever since she had fallen at the morgue, the pinched nerve continued to bother her, sometimes hurting in such a way that she couldn't move. She didn't dare tell anyone though because she knew they'd make her go to the doctor and he would put her back in the wheelchair or on bedrest. She wasn't willing to give up the little mobility she had. The phone rang and she sighed as she reached to answer it, "Hello?" She listened and her face dropped, "I forgot…I'm sorry," she explained. "Yeah, I'll be there soon. Thanks." She looked at Blair and her voice shook, "The adoption agency. I was supposed to be there half an hour ago, to meet with perspective parents."

Blair shook her head in disbelief, "Not now Jo. Give it some time."

Jo ran her hand over her stomach, "I don't have much time Blair," she insisted. "Will you go with me? I asked Rick to go, and he said he would, but after everything that's happened…I don't think it's a good idea. I need someone…"

"Jo…" Blair wanted to try to talk her out of it. She still hoped Jo would change her mind, but decided against trying to sway her right now. "Sure I'll go."

Jo reached out her hand and let her friend pull her up from the bed. She walked over to the closet and looked through her clothes. "What do you wear to something like this?" she asked with a snicker.

"I don't know," Blair said with a sad whisper. Her eyes burned with tears.

Jo looked at her, "Don't…" she said sternly. "I can't watch you cry right now. If you don't want to go…I'll call a cab and go by myself." She grabbed a lightweight yellow blouse and black slacks from the closet.

Blair quickly wiped away her tears, "No…I want to go." She forced a weak smile, "I want to help…" She reached her hand out and placed it gently on her friend's belly, "We have to make sure this little one has the best parents possible…right?"

"Thanks," Jo whispered, doing all she could to hold in her own tears.


	81. Chapter 81

Just being in the room made Blair uncomfortable. The walls, a soft pink and blue seemed more suited to a nursery than a place of business, but perhaps that was the point. Along one wall was a bulletin board, covered with pictures of happy families…smiling babies, cheeky toddlers, parents with adoring eyes. She noticed Jo was avoiding eye contact with the wall, and she couldn't blame her. Shifting in the pale, plastic arm chair, Blair looked at her friend. "You okay?" she asked.

Jo nodded, "Yeah," was the only response she gave, but her hands were shaking and Blair could have sworn she could hear her friend's heart beating through her chest.

"We can go…" Blair whispered, but before Jo could answer the door opened and three new people entered the room.

"Hello," one of the women, a short brunette came forward and reached her hand out. Jo reluctantly shook her hand and the woman smiled, "I'm Mrs. Smithers. We spoke on the phone."

"Yes, of course," Jo said, her voice cracking. "I thought I would be meeting with the same person who took my paperwork?"

"Not today, I'm sorry," Mrs. Smithers voice was calm and caring. "I am usually the one to introduce adoptive families and birth parents."

"Oh," Jo nodded, and Blair couldn't help but notice her face was void of any emotion. Jo looked at the couple standing behind Mrs. Smithers. They were around her age. The woman, a tall blonde looked nervous and eager. The man, an even taller redhead seemed less nervous but just as eager.

Mrs. Smithers turned to look at the couple, "Paul and Sarah Gibbons," she motioned towards them. "This is Jo."

Noticing Jo's struggling attempt to stand and shake their hands, Sarah Gibbons quickly knelt down to greet her, "Please don't get up," she said with a sweet smile. It's so nice to meet you," her eyes fixed on the baby. It made Jo even more uneasy, but she was determined not to show it.

"It's nice to meet you," she said with a forced cheerfulness. Then she motioned toward Blair, "This is my friend…she's here for support."

"Oh, of course," Sarah Gibbons shook Blair's hand and took a seat across from Jo. Her husband sat next to her.

Blair watched as the couple talked to her friend. She felt detached from the whole situation, didn't know what to say or if she should say anything. As it turned out the Gibbons did all the talking anyway. Paul Gibbons was a real estate investor, making most of his money on commercial properties. Sarah worked several years as a nurse before leaving her career behind to become a stay at home mom to their son Colton. Blair was shocked that they already had a child, but then Sarah explained that Colton's birth nine years earlier had been traumatic and had ended with a hysterectomy that left her unable to have more children, but that they had always longed for another baby. Sarah pulled out a picture of her nine year old son and showed it to Jo, who forced a weak smile, "He's adorable," she said weakly.

Blair sat silently as Jo told the couple about herself. That she was from the Bronx, but had attended school in Peekskill. That she had an adopted daughter herself, so she knew how important it was for adoptive parents to be committed to parenthood. She told them she was a former cop, but was forced to resign after an "accident." That was when Blair realized Jo wasn't planning to be honest with her baby's possible new parents about the rape.

"What can you tell us about the baby's father?" Paul Gibbons asked nervously. "Is he in the picture? Is he on board with the adoption?"

Jo cleared her throat, "He's dead," she said matter-of-factly.

"I'm sorry," Sarah Gibbons said quickly. Her eyes closed briefly in an attempt to conceal her shock. Then she looked at Jo and smiled, "Do you know if the baby is a boy or a girl?"

Jo shook her head, "I don't really want to know," she said honestly. "Does it matter to you?"

Sarah smiled, "Of course not…we want a baby…any baby."

"What if the baby is sick?" Jo asked with sadness in her eyes. "This baby…it might…well I had to be on a lot of drugs after my accident…"

Blair noticed the Gibbons both looked taken aback by Jo's words, but they looked at each other and then back at Jo. "We would love any baby," Paul Gibbons said with a gentle sigh. "Of course we hope the baby is perfectly fine, but if not…it will still be our child. We will love him or her, no matter what." He reached out and put his hand on the swell of Jo's stomach and instantly realized he had overstepped his bounds when she grabbed his wrist and flung his hand away from her. "I'm sorry…" his apology was genuine. "I don't know why I did that. I'm so sorry."

"We just really want a baby," Sarah felt the need to explain. "We've waited so long."

"Well," Mrs. Smithers interrupted the conversation, "I think that is all the time we have." She looked at the Gibbons and smiled, "After Jo decides, we'll give you a call." She escorted them out of the room amid cheery good-byes and thank yous. Then she came back to where Jo and Blair were sitting in silence, "They seem very nice, don't they?" she asked. "Are you ready to meet the next couple?"

Blair watched as Jo nodded. Jo hadn't said a word since Paul Gibbons had touched her and Blair wasn't sure if her friend really understood what was going on around her anymore. As Mrs. Smithers left the room she leaned next to Jo, "Do you want to go home?" she asked.

"What I want doesn't matter," Jo said with bitter truthfulness. "And I'd better get used to it now."


	82. Chapter 82

Blair didn't say a word as they drove towards the apartment. It had been two hours, two excruciating hours sitting in that room, meeting with potential adoptive parents. With each couple, Jo had put on a brave front, acting like it wasn't ripping her heart out to talk to complete strangers about giving her child away, but as soon as Mrs. Smithers would lead the couple away the pain on Jo's face would be strikingly apparent. Blair had tried to talk to her about it in between interviews, but Jo wouldn't open up to her. Finally, she just sat back and watched with a lump in her throat.

She glanced over at her friend. Jo was staring blankly ahead. Her face was pale, almost gray. She was still with the exception of an occasional shift, probably to take some of the pressure off her back. She had been sitting for far too long that day. Blair wondered what was going through her friend's mind. She knew Jo had to be thinking about the potential adoptive families. Was she going to pick one of them?

Blair knew in her heart that none of them were good enough for Jo's baby. The Gibbons had probably been the best, but their eagerness and the way Paul Gibbons had reached out to touch Jo, as if he were already taking claim to the baby, was disturbing to her, and she knew it had bothered Jo as well. The other couples weren't a good fit either. One couple insisted they would only adopt a girl, and they were not happy that Jo didn't know the sex of the baby. The next couple was anxious to adopt any child, until they heard about all of the drugs Jo had been given early in the pregnancy. The last couple wanted to know too much about the baby's father and Jo had shut down and ended the conversation with them. Blair couldn't believe Jo would actually consider giving her baby to any of them, but then again she wasn't sure what was going through her best friend's mind anymore.

Maybe she and Tad should take the baby after all? The thought had been creeping into her mind for a while now. She didn't think it was a good idea, but the thought of the baby going to any of these other people was heartbreaking to her. She felt tears stinging her eyes and tried to blink them away. If Jo could go through all of this without crying, she should be able to.

She pulled into the apartment complex and stopped at the closest space in front of Jo's apartment. She turned off the car and looked at her friend. "Do you think you can walk up the stairs?" she asked softly. Jo didn't answer her, but stared straight ahead. "Jo…" Blair touched her gently on the shoulder. "Let's go upstairs."

Jo shook her head slowly, a few tears sliding down her cheeks. "I can't," she swallowed, trying to suppress her tears.

"Do you want me to find someone to help?" Blair asked. "I'm sure Rick is home…he won't mind carrying you up…"

"Not that…" Jo let a few more tears fall. "I don't mean I can't go upstairs. I mean…I can't give this baby to those people…any of those people…"

"You don't have to," Blair assured her. "You can choose the right people Jo. None of them were right. You can wait until you find the right ones."

"What if I don't ever find the right ones?" Jo asked. "What am I going to do if I can't find the right parents for this baby?" She tried to wipe away her tears, but by now she was crying too hard and her cheeks were stained with wet streaks.

"You'll find them," Blair said with uncertainty. She wanted to tell Jo she would take the baby. She knew it would ease her friend's mind, but she just couldn't shake the feeling that it was a bad idea. "Jo…this is going to work out. I know it." She couldn't hold her tears in any longer. "I'm so sorry. I know this is the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you _will_ get through it. I know that," she sobbed.

"I wish I could believe that," Jo said with a sniffle. She reached her hand out and let Blair help her out of the car. She was unsteady on her feet as they walked slowly and silently up the stairs.


	83. Chapter 83

The room was dark and still. Jo couldn't fall asleep. She knew she would be exhausted the next day, but it didn't matter. She sat up in bed and pulled a folder off her nightstand. It was from the adoption agency, the profiles of the couples she had met that day along with others she hadn't met yet. As much as it hurt, she knew she had to choose. It would be easier if she could just choose, at least she tried to convince herself of that.

She opened the folder and stared at the paperwork. Loving couples, trying their best to be persuasive. Doctors, lawyers, teachers, stay-at-home parents…what did she want for this baby? She put her hand on the swell of her stomach and sighed, "Who do you want your mommy and daddy to be?" She wished she knew who would be the right fit for this baby. She wanted him to be happy…be grateful he had a good life with his parents. She never wanted him to regret being adopted.

She picked up the phone, forgetting until after she'd dialed that it was so late. "Hello…" Rick's voice was groggy on the other end of the line."

"I'm sorry," Jo said quickly. "I forgot it was so late."

Rick was more alert now, "That's okay. What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jo assured him. "It's just…I think I owe you an apology. For a lot of things…"

"No," Rick insisted. "We both made some pretty big mistakes. It's time to move on now…and whatever you need to do in order to move on, Jo…I promise I'll support you. Maybe you're not ready for therapy…I shouldn't have pushed. I'm sorry…"

"Maybe I shouldn't have reacted the way I did," Jo admitted. "It's just scary…thinking about opening up to someone about all of this. I don't know if I can do it."

"You know I'm always here if you're scared," Rick reminded her. "Always…"

"Can you come over?" Jo asked. "I just want someone to talk to."

"Of course…just let me get dressed," Rick was already pulling on his jeans. "I don't want to wake anyone up…do you think you'll be alright to answer the door."

Jo laughed, "I'm sure I can manage to walk into the living room and open the door."

"I know you can," Rick smiled. "I just worry about you doing too much. I know your back is bothering you."

"It's not that bad right now," Jo assured him. "Rick…do you want to go get coffee or something? I really want to get out of here."

"Coffee?" Rick asked unsure. "Isn't it kind of late? Besides, you're not supposed to drink coffee."

"I'll have decaf then," Jo laughed. "And pie…"

Rick chuckled, "Okay, get dressed and I'll be there. We'll go have pie and coffee."

"Thanks," Jo sighed. "For everything."


	84. Chapter 84

Jo hadn't said much in the car on the way to the diner, and now that they were sitting across from one another she still wasn't talking. Rick was worried. She'd called him out in the middle of the night to talk, and her silence was disturbing. The waitress brought over coffee for Rick and a glass of milk for Jo. Then she put two slices of apple pie in front of them. Jo thanked her and the woman walked away.

"I thought you were having decaf?" Rick asked teasingly as Jo took a big sip of her milk.

Jo put down her glass, "These cravings are ridiculous. The baby wants milk." She took another big drink and put her glass down, picking up her fork and putting a bite of pie in her mouth.

Rick watched her and couldn't help but smile. She looked better than she had in a while. Her face had filled out some with the weight she'd put on from the pregnancy and she didn't look as sickly and pale. "I take it the baby likes pie too?" he teased.

Jo smiled, "I've been thinking about pie for a week now." She took quick bites until her entire slice was gone and Rick had to wonder if she'd just called him because she was having cravings in the middle of the night. He slid his plate over to her and she laughed, but ate his slice as well. Then she put down her fork and looked more serious, "I went to meet with some adoptive parents," she said softly.

"I thought you wanted me to go with you?" he asked. He knew things had been tense between them lately, but hated to think he hadn't been there when she needed him.

"Blair went with me," Jo explained. "She cried." Jo cleared her throat trying to push back her own sobs. She wasn't going to let herself cry. "I should've taken you."

"Hey," Rick reached out and squeezed her hand. "It's okay…"

Jo pulled the folder out of her purse and sat it on the table. "These are the people," she said, trying to ignore the crack in her voice as she fought back her tears. "I have to pick from these people. One of these couples is going to be my baby's parents."

Rick opened the folder and looked at the profiles. None of them seemed good enough to him. "Who do you like?" he asked her.

Jo shook her head, "None of them…" then she let her tears fall. "I'm sure they're all nice people, but this baby deserves the best. He doesn't belong with any of them. He doesn't know them…"

"Jo…he doesn't know anyone yet," Rick tried to soothe her.

"He knows _me_," Jo cried. "He calms down when I talk to him. He kicks when I push on my belly. He loves me…"

Rick moved over and sat in the booth next to her. He put his arms around her, "Jo…do you want to keep the baby?" he asked. "Is that what you're trying say? It's okay for you to keep him."

"I love this baby," Jo cried and rested her head on his shoulder. "I didn't want to. I tried not to…"

"This is _your_ baby," Rick put his hand on her belly and rubbed gently. "Jo, I know you're scared, but I know how much you've wanted a baby…your own little boy or girl…"

Jo put her hand on top of his and looked up at him, "It's a boy," she said seriously. "I've been telling people that I don't know…that I just say 'him' so I don't say 'it.'" She took a deep breath, "But I asked the doctor. I just had to know."

"I figured," Rick admitted. "You were calling the baby 'him' an awful lot for you not to have known."

"It scares me that the baby's a boy," Jo said sadly. "What if he always reminds me of his father?"

"Lonvetti is _not_ his father, Jo," Rick said quickly. "Just like April was never really Jamie's mother. They were both awful people who, even though they hurt you, brought a little something good into your life. You have to look at it like that."

"I never thought about it that way," Jo admitted. "Do you think it's wrong for me to want to keep this baby? I've said all along that I didn't want to…and now…"

"He's yours Jo," Rick forced a smile. "I've known that all along. I knew you'd decide to keep him."

"Really?" Jo asked with uncertainty. "Because I didn't."

"I know you didn't," Rick squeezed her close. "And I know it's hard, but I also know how much you love being a mother. You said he deserves the best…and that's _you_."

Jo tried to brush away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks, "What will everyone say when I tell them I changed my mind? My mom, Mrs. G, Blair, Jamie…I've put them all through so much and then I just up and decide to keep the baby?"

"They'll all be relieved," Rick admitted. "Jo…everyone _wants_ you to keep the baby. We all love him."

"You do?" Jo sniffled.

"Of course," Rick kissed her on the cheek. "How could we not? He's a part of you."

"I wish he was yours," Jo instantly regretted the admission. She didn't know why she would say such a thing. Her hormones were raging, but that wasn't an excuse. "I'm sorry…" she started to apologize.

"Don't apologize…" Rick insisted. He kissed her again, this time on the lips. He could taste the sugar from the pie on her mouth. He pulled away and sighed, "I wish he was mine too, Jo. I really do. I would love to be his father," He started to kiss her again, but she pushed him away.

"We can't do this," Jo said seriously. "My husband just died…it's wrong."

Rick knew she was right, even if it was hard to admit. He'd always loved her and now all he wanted to do was take care of her. "You're right…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that."

"I started this," Jo sighed. "But we can't do this…not now. It wouldn't be right."

"I know," Rick agreed. "But when you think you're ready…I'd like to give our relationship another try. I love you."

Jo sighed. What had she gotten herself into? "I love you too," she reluctantly admitted. The baby began kicking at her ribs, and she wished she hadn't eaten so much sugar. The pain was unbearable. She tried pushing on her stomach to get the baby to move, but didn't have any luck. Sometimes laying down was the only thing that would help, and that didn't always work. "I think we should go home."

"Are you okay?" Rick asked with worry. "Is something wrong?"

Jo shook her head, "The baby's just up in my ribs…it hurts. I want to lie down. Besides, my back is bothering me too. I'm not sure I can even stand on my own."

"Okay, just stay calm. I'll help you," Rick helped her up and put money down on the table. He put one hand on her back and the other on her belly, patting softly. "Give your mommy a break little one," he smiled, then he let her lean into him while he helped guide her to the car.

Jo realized that was the first time anyone had every referred to her as the baby's mommy. She wasn't sure how she felt about it.


	85. Chapter 85

"Mom…" Jamie's whisper was just loud enough to startle her mother awake. When Rick had brought her home the night before, Jo hadn't been able to fall asleep. The baby was restless, kicking up a storm and even when he had settled down some all she could think about was her decision. She'd told Rick she was going to keep the baby. She spent half the night wondering why she'd changed her mind so suddenly, and hoping she wasn't going to regret the choice.

She smiled at her daughter, "Hey sweetie…what did you need?"

"It's almost noon," Jamie said as she sat on the edge of her mother's bed. "Uncle Rick's here. He's taking me to lunch and the movies…remember?"

Jo nodded. Rick and Jamie had been trying to spend more time together. She knew Rick longed for Jamie to call him 'dad', but she also knew her daughter's loyalty was to Kyle. She hadn't quite forgiven Rick for giving her up, and Jo knew they'd have to sit down with her and tell her the full truth before too long. "I remember," she squeezed her daughter's hand and smiled.

"I didn't want to go without saying good-bye," Jamie leaned over and kissed her mother. "I probably shouldn't have woke you up."

Jo shook her head, "I'm glad you did," she said as she tried to sit up. The pain in her back nearly took her breath away. She didn't want to scare Jamie though, so she just leaned back onto the mattress. "Can you ask Rick to come in here first?" she asked. "I just want to talk to him before you go."

Jamie nodded and went out to the living room to get Rick. He smiled when he walked into the room, Jamie trailing behind him. Jo looked at her daughter, "Give us a few minutes, okay Jamie," she said softly. Jamie nodded, unsurely and walked out of the room.

Rick sat on the edge of the bed, "Still asleep at noon," he teased. "Who do you think you are? Sleeping Beauty?"

"Rick…" Jo's face was serious and it scared him.

"What's wrong?" he asked quickly. "Is something wrong?"

Jo shook her head, "No…I just need some help sitting up. My back…"

Rick carefully helped her sit up, and it took all of her strength not to scream out in pain. "You're going to the doctor," he insisted. "Today. You need help…"

"They're going to put me back in the wheelchair," Jo cried. "I know it. Or they'll make me stay in bed. I can't live like that…"

"They're going to do what's best for you…and for the baby," Rick said gently. He knew it was scary for her, but he also knew she could end up with permanent paralysis if she didn't take precautions. He put his hand on her stomach and looked her in the eye, "You knew this might happen. And your fall put you at a bigger risk."

Jo nodded, "It's why the doctor said I shouldn't have the baby."

"But he was wrong," Rick smiled slightly. "You'll be okay. This little guy is going to be just fine too…I know it."

"I'll have Blair take me to the doctor, if you'll carry me down the stairs to the car. I hate feeling like such an invalid." Jo sniffled.

"I'll carry you," Rick brushed back the hair that had fallen into her face. "You know I will always be here if you need me."

"I know," Jo forced a weak smile. She was grateful for him. Even with all that had happened between them, she knew she could count on him when she needed him. "But Rick…please don't tell anyone about last night. About me saying I want to keep this baby…or about me kissing you…"

"I kissed you," Rick leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "And I won't say anything."

"If I end up back in my wheelchair, I'm going to be trapped in this apartment for the next three months," Jo sighed.

"You'll have company," Rick winked.

"Rick…after I get back from the doctor…we need to talk to Jamie." Jo sighed. "She needs to know that Kyle and I never adopted her…that you're her legal parent. I think it's time she knew."

"I think we should wait and see what the doctor says before we start making plans," Rick said honestly. "I want to make sure you're okay before we add anymore stress to the situation."

Jo knew he was scared and it made her worry even more.


	86. Chapter 86

"Mom?" Jamie peeked around the door and smiled when she saw her mother sitting up in the hospital bed. "Are you okay? I was worried all afternoon."

Jo nodded, "I'm fine…I promise." She motioned for her daughter to come closer and hugged her.

"Why are you back in the hospital then?" Jamie asked as she looked around the sterile room.

Just then Rick rushed through the door. He and Jamie had been at the movies when Blair called to tell him that Jo was back in the hospital. His phone had cut out before he could get more details, but they had hurried to the hospital as quickly as possible. "Jamie…I told you to wait for me," he was practically out of breath. He looked at Jo and forced a weak smiled, "Your daughter was worried about you…she just left me in the dust after the admissions nurse gave us your room number." He sat in the chair next to her bed, "How are you feeling? What's going on?"

"I'm fine," Jo insisted. "The doctor just wanted to give me some fluids because I was dehydrated. I'll be home in a couple of days."

"Where's Aunt Blair?" Jamie asked quickly.

"I sent her home," Jo answered. "I thought it would be nice if the three of us could talk…alone."

"Jo…not now," Rick tried to dissuade her, but Jo wouldn't listen.

"Jamie…Rick and I really need to be honest with you about some things," she began.

Jamie looked nervous and sat on the edge of her mother's bed. "Okay…" her voice was unsure.

"Jamie," Jo began. "You know how much I love you…how much I've always loved you." She watched as her daughter nodded her head nervously. "Baby, when I found out that you found your real birth certificate, and you pretended like you didn't know the truth…I felt so guilty."

"No, Mom," Jamie interrupted. "I didn't say anything because I didn't want you to worry. I love you and I loved Dad."

Jo nodded, "Honey, I know that…but I have to be honest with you. I know you felt like Rick didn't want you…that he gave you up."

"He did give me up," Jamie looked at Rick and her eyes were frantic. "But I forgave him. He couldn't take care of me and he wanted me to have two parents. You told me that before, when Mrs. G. told you I knew the truth. I understand…really. And I know Dad didn't know the truth, but it's okay…"

"Jamie," Jo sighed, "Honey…I did something that was wrong. I loved you so much and I wanted you so badly. Rick didn't want to give you up, but I begged him. I made him…"

"She didn't make me," Rick insisted. "I did it because I thought it was best for you and for your mom. And I'm sorry we lied to you."

Jamie nodded, "I know that."

"Jamie…you're right that your dad didn't know the truth," Jo added. "I've felt terrible for lying to him all those years. I thought it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't. And Jamie…in order to keep this from him, I did something else…"

"Mom…I don't care," Jamie tried not to cry, but tears were falling down her cheeks. She was scared her mother was going to reveal something she didn't want to hear. "I don't want to know…"

"Jamie…your dad and I never adopted you," Jo said sadly. "He didn't know that. You didn't know that…"

"What?" Jamie asked nervously. "But I've seen my birth certificate? The new one…with your names on it."

"It's a fake," Jo cried. "Jamie…I'm so sorry. I'm not your mother…not legally…"

"She _is_ your mother," Rick insisted. He looked at Jamie and wished he could ease her pain, "Jamie…your mom loves you."

Jamie looked at both of them and didn't know what to say, "If you didn't adopt me…then…I don't even have parents." She sobbed. "Can't you fix this? Please…" she pleaded.

"Jamie…Rick is your father," Jo cried. "He is legally your parent…not me."

"No!" Jamie cried and clung to her mother. "I want you!" She looked scornfully at Rick, "I don't want to live with you!"

"You don't have to sweetie," Rick tried to soothe her, but Jamie pushed him away. He looked at Jo, "We're going to fix this. I promise…we'll make the adoption legal."

"Can't we just keep the fake birth certificate?" Jamie asked tearfully. "I'm Jamie Lawson…I have been since I was seven. I don't want to be someone else…"

Jo held her daughter close and let her cry, "Jamie…you know how much I love you. I'm so sorry I lied to you and that I lied to your dad. I shouldn't have. I just wanted to keep you safe. But honey, you can't blame Rick for this. He loves you too. It's been so hard for him to watch you grow up knowing you're his daughter…"

"I'm not his daughter," Jamie yelled. "I'm _yours_…not his!" She jerked away from her mother and headed toward the door. "I'm calling Aunt Blair to pick me up," she sobbed. "I'm not going home with him!"

"Jamie," Jo wanted to run after her, but she knew she couldn't get up from the bed. "Baby…no one is making you live with him…" Jamie ignored her mother and ran out the door. Jo looked frantically at Rick, "Go after her!" she yelled.


	87. Chapter 87

"Jamie…wait!" Rick called after the girl as she ran down the hallway and out the double doors leading to the lobby. He caught up with her then as she was asking to use the phone. He decided to stand back and let her call Blair, rather than make a scene in the middle of the hospital. He couldn't hear what she said, but after a few minutes she hung up the phone and sat in a chair facing the windows. Rick walked over and sat next to her, "Jamie…I'm sorry sweetheart," he whispered. "I'm so sorry…"

Jamie looked up at him, her eyes red and swollen with tears. "Aunt Blair is coming to get me," she cried.

Rick nodded, "I want you to know, I would never try to take you away from your mom. Jamie, I know you love her."

"Why didn't you just let them adopt me?" Jamie sobbed. "I feel like my life is a lie."

"I would have," Rick admitted. "But Kyle would never have agreed to it. He was always suspicious of my feelings for your mom and he wouldn't have wanted to adopt my child." He could see the pain in her eyes and it broke his heart, "He loved you though, Jamie. It was wrong for your mom and I to lie to him and to you. I didn't want to say anything, but your mom…it's been eating away at her since the accident. She wanted a fresh start…she wanted you to know the truth."

"Why didn't you keep me?" Jamie asked. "When my birth mom died? You could've kept me."

"I know," Rick nodded. "And I wanted to. I've always loved you. But Jo…she was such a good mother. When you were a baby…when April first showed up with you…I didn't know what to do. I was basically a kid trapped in a thirty-year old's body. I was scared to death, but not Jo. She took one look at you and fell in love. She was a perfect mother to you for the first year of your life, and when April took you away, she devoted her whole life to finding you. That's why she became a cop in the first place. When I married her she was an elementary school teacher working on a degree in social work…and she gave that up to be a cop so she could find our little girl. Jamie…she deserved you more than I did. That's why I gave you up. You were better off with her."

"You don't want to take me away from her now?" Jamie asked. "Even though I'm legally yours?"

"Of course not," Rick shook his head. "Jamie, I love you. But I know you belong with your mom. That's not going to change. I love her too."

"Mom had pictures of us…in her dresser," Jamie sniffled. "Me and you and her…when I was a baby. We were a nice family, I think…"

"We were a great family," Rick smiled and pulled the girl close to him.

"Kyle Lawson was my dad…" Jamie said seriously. "He took care of me for a long time. You know that, right?"

"I know Jamie," Rick answered. "I won't try to replace him."

"If mom adopts me," Jamie asked. "He can't be on my birth certificate, can he? Since he's dead," she cried.

"I guess not," Rick hugged her. "I'm so sorry sweetheart."

"So…do you want your name on there as my dad or can mom be on there as my only parent?" Jamie asked sadly.

Rick shook his head, "I didn't really think about it. I guess that's something we'll have to think about."

"I love you too," Jamie leaned her head into his chest and cried. "I just don't want to betray my mom and dad."

Rick kissed the top of her dark head and let his own tears slide down his cheeks.


	88. Chapter 88

Rick walked into the room and Jo stared at him with worried anticipation. "Did you find her?" she asked nervously. "Is she okay?"

Rick nodded, "Blair just picked her up…took her back to the apartment."

"Thank God," Jo sighed and wiped a few stray tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "You were right…I shouldn't have said anything."

"I know you're tired of the lies," Rick sat in the chair next to her bed. "So am I. She needed to know the truth. There would never be a right time…you and I both know that."

Jo nodded, "I didn't want to hurt her. I hate putting her through this."

"She's gonna be okay," Rick insisted. "We talked and I think she knows that we both want what's best for her. She's just scared. She misses Kyle. She feels like she's betraying his memory if she lets me into her life."

"You've always been in her life, Rick," Jo reminded him. "She loves you."

"Not as her dad," he argued. "I'm never going to be her dad." He looked down at the ground, "I don't know what I was thinking…"

"What do you mean?" Jo asked. "I'm the one who wanted to tell her I wasn't legally her mother…not you."

"I'm not talking about that," Rick looked up, his own eyes rimmed with red from tears he was trying to hold back. "I love you, Jo. I love you and I love Jamie. I guess in my mind I've been thinking that maybe…it might be possible for us to be a family again. Me, you, Jamie…this new baby. Even before last night at the diner, I was thinking about it."

Jo took a deep breath, "Rick…I don't know what to say. You know how important you are to me. But I could never do that if Jamie wasn't okay with it. She's my number one priority. I want her to be happy…and I don't want her to think anything was going on between me and you when Kyle was alive."

"I know that," Rick agreed. "I don't want her to think that either. I don't want to hurt her anymore than we already have."

"And the baby," Jo said softly. "I know I said last night that I wished he was yours. I never should've said that. I'm sorry…"

"I'm not," Rick put his hand on the swell of her stomach and smiled when he felt the baby moving. "I do wish I was his father. He needs a father, Jo."

Jo shook her head, "It would be a lie…another lie…"

"Not if we got remarried," Rick insisted. "You could adopt Jamie and I could adopt this little guy. They'd belong to both of us."

Jo shook her head, "We can't do that. Not now. I have to make sure Jamie is okay."

"I know," Rick nodded sadly, "That's what I mean. I've been having all these thoughts, and in the end I don't think they're even possible. We've screwed up everything, Jo. Trying to deceive so many people has done nothing but backfire on us."

Jo tried not to cry, "I do love you," she whispered. "I really do."

"I love you too," Rick leaned over and kissed her on the lips. He pulled away slowly, "And I love Jamie and this baby, Jo. More than anything."


	89. Chapter 89

The lights were off, but there was a soft glow coming in through the window blinds when Jo opened her eyes. Her back hurt and she knew if she asked the nurse she would give her more pain medication, but she didn't want to take it. She could endure a little more pain if it was safer for the baby. She looked over to the chair where Rick had been every time she'd woken up through the night, and was surprised he was gone. Just then the lights came on and she looked toward the door to see the doctor come in.

"Good morning," he said cheerfully. He walked over to the bed, her chart in hand and began taking notes. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm alright," Jo said, trying not to let her pain show. "When can I go home?"

The doctor looked at her seriously, "I'm not sure. We need to get your pain under control first."

"It's not so bad," Jo insisted. "Really…as long as the baby is okay, I want to go home."

The doctor took out his stethoscope and listened to the baby's heartbeat. Then he put it back around his neck and spoke sternly, "The baby sounds perfectly fine, but it's you I'm worried about."

Just then Rick walked into the room, a cup of steaming coffee in his hand. He sat the coffee on the nightstand and looked at Jo and the doctor, "What's going on?" he asked.

"The baby's fine," Jo said. "So I think I should go home."

The doctor shook his head, "You have extensive damage to your back. I warned you about this and I told you to expect it. There is no way you can resume normal activities in this condition."

"So she has to stay here until the baby is born?" Rick asked.

The doctor shook his head, "No…but we have to have a pain management plan and she has to stick to it." He looked at Jo, "I know you don't want to take anything, but you have to. I promise we will give you the lowest dosage possible and the safest medications we can, but you have to take them." He looked back at Rick, "And then she needs bedrest. As little movement and walking as possible."

"I can't do that," Jo argued. "I just got my life back. I need to be there for my daughter. I promised her we'd do things together this summer."

"Jo," Rick tried to soothe her. "Jamie will understand. You need to take care of yourself and the baby right now. When we get home, I'll carry you up to the apartment and then you can spend time at home with Jamie. Rent movies or play Monopoly…something safer for you and the baby."

"What do you mean carry her up?" the doctor asked.

"I live in a walk-up," Jo explained. "I haven't been able to master the stairs very well yet. Sometimes he has to carry me up there. Especially when my back is bothering me."

The doctor shook his head seriously, "That is not going to be possible anymore," he insisted. "It's too dangerous." He looked at Rick, "You could drop her…"

"I would never drop her," Rick insisted. "She doesn't weigh very much, even pregnant. I'm always careful."

"I'm sure you are," the doctor replied, "But it's still dangerous. There is no way you can carry her in your arms without bending her back and that is putting pressure on specific spots. It could cause more damage. It's just not safe, no matter how careful you are. She has to be in her wheelchair and go up in the elevator…no walking up stairs or being carried."

"I don't have an elevator," Jo argued. "It's a walk-up. It's been fine so far…"

"And it's not anymore," the doctor insisted. "I don't think you realize how serious your back injuries are. Jo…I told you going into this that the pregnancy weight could hurt the healing process. I'm sorry, but I'm concerned we'll be dealing with partial paralysis if I don't put my foot down on some things."

"Oh God," Rick looked at her, his face blank with shock. "Jo…you have to listen to him."

"I am listening," Jo insisted. "But my apartment is on the second floor. It's not like I can just move."

"I won't release you until I know you have a safe place to live," the doctor said honestly. "What about a hotel?"

Jo shook her head, "I don't have the money for that. I'm living on temporary disability insurance from the LAPD…and it's going to run out soon. My savings account is almost empty. I have a kid to take care of." She mumbled under her breath, "Two kids…"

"It's okay," Rick took her hand and squeezed it, "You can stay with me. My apartment is on the ground floor…"

Jo shook her head, "No…that's not going to happen."

"I think I'll leave you two alone," the doctor said quickly. "Jo, the nurse will be in after awhile with some pain meds. Take them…no arguing. Do you understand?"

She nodded, and watched as he walked out of the room. Then she turned to Rick, "You're sweet to offer, but no. It's a bad idea and we both know that."

"I don't think it is," Rick insisted. "You need to be on the ground floor…"

"What about Jamie?" Jo asked nervously. "What will she think?" She shook her head, "No…"

"She can come with you," Rick promised. "I have an extra bedroom and she can sleep in there." He looked seriously, "I'll sleep on the couch, or I'll go up and stay at your place."

"What about Mrs. Garrett?" Jo asked. "She's been staying with me. And Blair, she's sleeping at a hotel, but she spends most of her time and my apartment. You two don't exactly get along…"

"We will work it out," Rick put his hand on her stomach and smiled gently. "Jo…think about the baby. You need to take care of yourself so you can get him here safe and sound. You know that."

Jo nodded, "I just think this is a bad idea."

"I promise it's not," Rick smiled. "It'll be okay." He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "You take a nap. Get some sleep and we'll talk more about it later. Okay?"

Jo nodded, and reluctantly closed her eyes.


	90. Chapter 90

"What time is it?" Jo asked groggily as she opened her eyes. The nurse had come in to give her pain medicine shortly after Rick had suggested she take a nap and the medication had knocked her out immediately.

"It's pretty late," Blair's voice was a surprise and Jo turned her head to look at her. Blair smiled gently, "You missed lunch. They said to let you sleep and they'd bring something for you when you woke up, but now it's almost dinner time."

Jo nodded, still tired from the effects of the pain medication. "I can't believe I slept so long." She exhaled strongly, "I don't feel good."

"What's wrong?" Blair asked worried. "Do you want me to buzz the nurse?"

"No," Jo insisted. "I'll be fine. It's the medication. I don't like how the pain meds make me feel. They make me tired and queasy."

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" Blair asked.

Jo shook her head, "No…I want to talk to you." She looked around the room, "Where's Rick?"

"He went to work," Blair explained. "He said to call him if you needed him."

"I don't…I'm glad he went to work," Jo said. "I was beginning to wonder if he even had a job anymore. He spends so much time with me…"

Blair chuckled, "You know he can work whenever he wants. That recording studio is more flexible than any other job." She looked seriously at her friend, "He told me he asked you to stay with him."

Jo rolled her eyes, "He's being so nice, but that won't work. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I can't move in with him."

"I can put you up in a hotel if you want," Blair offered, but she knew her friend would never agree. Jo was too independent to let her take care of her like that.

Jo shook her head, "No…that would cost a fortune."

"Well, do you have any extra money to pay for it?" Blair asked.

"God no," Jo sighed. "Blair, I'm practically broke. My employment insurance is running out, my savings account is almost empty, and I thought Jamie and I would be okay because of Kyle's bank account. He had a lot of money in there when he left, and he gave me his debit card and check book, but now we all know _why_ he had so much money."

"Well, that doesn't mean you can't spend it," Blair insisted.

"Yes it does," Jo argued. "That account is frozen. It's the law. He earned his money illegally…the government is never going to release that money. It's drug money." She sighed, "I don't want it anyway."

Blair nodded, "Then what are you going do?"

"I don't know," Jo cried. "Even after the baby's born, I'm not going to be a cop again. No amount of healing will be enough for me to pass the physical for that. Not to mention the fact that I could never go to work without scaring Jamie half to death." She wiped away a few tears that were clinging to her cheeks. "I'm scared."

"It's going to be okay," Blair put her arm around her friend and hugged her close. She noticed as Jo put her hand to her stomach, pushing gently and taking a deep breath. "Are you alright?"

Jo nodded, "Yeah…the baby's just moving around a lot. I'm so uncomfortable." She looked at her friend nervously, "Blair…I think I want to keep the baby," the words came out less surely than she had meant them too, almost as if she was questioning the decision instead of announcing it. Then again, maybe she was.

"Really?" Blair asked in disbelief. Then she smiled, "Jo, I'm glad. I think it's the right thing. I really do," she hugged her friend closer.

"How can it be the right thing?" Jo asked. "I'm broke…literally…I have nothing. I have nowhere to live, no way to take care of the kid I already have, and now no way to take care of this one. Blair, I'm in real trouble here."

"You have to calm down," Blair said gently. "For now, just focus on getting the baby here safely. You know I can take care of things for you until you're well enough to get a job."

Jo shook her head, "Things will be tight, but I think I can get by until the baby's born. It's just afterwards that I'm worried about."

"You'll be able to find a job that is less demanding than police work," Blair insisted. "What about your teaching degree? You could do that…"

"I haven't done that in fifteen years," Jo argued. "Besides, my certificate is expired and it's from New York, not California."

"It's still an option," Blair said seriously. "You could always renew it. And what's so bad about New York? Maybe you should think about coming home?" She'd wanted to suggest that for a while, but didn't know how. This seemed like the perfect opportunity.

"I don't know," Jo said honestly. "It's been so long. I never really thought about it."

"I know you miss New York, Jo," Blair tried to persuade her. "You would never have come here in the first place if you hadn't been hiding the fact that you never legally adopted Jamie."

Jo let her tears fall again, "I know that."

"Don't cry," Blair tried to soothe her. "I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm just saying, now that everything is out in the open, maybe it would be better for you to come back. Especially with the baby. We can all help and your parents would be thrilled."

Jo nodded and sniffled, "Maybe…it's not a bad idea. But I can't go right now. The doctor won't let me go up the stairs to my apartment, there is no way he'd let me go across country."

"After the baby is born," Blair suggested. "When you're better. Until then, maybe you should take Rick up on his offer."

"I can't," Jo sighed. "I just can't."

"Why not?" Blair questioned.

"Because," Jo brushed away a few more tears, "I love him. I don't want to…but I do. I just can't face those feelings right now." She sobbed and couldn't stop.


	91. Chapter 91

"Mom?" Jamie peeked her head around the door and watched as her mother slowly opened her eyes. Jo had been in the hospital three days and Jamie hadn't gone back to visit her since the first day when her mother told her the truth about her adoption. It had been a shock, and as much as she loved her mother, she was angry with her for lying. Still, she knew they needed to talk and she didn't want her mother to be upset when she was already sick and in pain.

"Jamie…sweetie," Jo smiled seeing her daughter. "Come over here," she motioned for her daughter to come in.

Jamie walked over and sat by the bed. "How are you feeling?" she asked nervously.

"I'm fine," Jo insisted. "I promise. How are you doing? I know we need to talk."

Jamie shook her head, "I don't want to upset you," she said honestly.

"Jamie, you don't have to worry about that," Jo said seriously. "I know I did something awful. I did it because I thought it was best for you, but that's not an excuse and I don't expect you to just be okay with it. It's okay that you're mad at me."

"I don't want to be mad at you," Jamie cried. Her tears ran down her cheeks more quickly than she could wipe them away. "I want things to be the way they used to be."

"I know…" Jo looked sadly at her daughter. "But sweetie…things can't be like that again. So much has changed."

"I miss Dad," Jamie admitted. "I can't believe he was a bad guy…a criminal. I just don't understand it."

"I don't either," Jo admitted. "I'm sorry I didn't protect you from that."

"But is it bad that I miss him? That I love him?" Jamie asked sadly. "I feel like I'm doing something wrong because he wasn't the person we thought and I still miss him."

"No," Jo insisted. "Jamie, he was your dad. I know you loved him. I know you miss him. He wasn't the same person around us that he was when he was doing those crimes. You have every right to miss him."

"But Uncle Rick…he wants to be my dad now," Jamie cried. "I don't think I can do that."

"Did he say that?" Jo asked.

Jamie shook her head, "No, but I know it's true. He said he gave me away because he thought it was best for me, but when I asked him about you adopting me he said he didn't know if you could be the only parent on my birth certificate or if he wanted his name on there too. I know he wants to and I don't know how I feel about it."

Jo nodded, "It's something we have to work out, but Jamie, you can't blame him for that. I am the one who faked your birth certificate. If you're mad, be mad at me."

"I am mad at you!" Jamie sobbed. "You lied to me…almost my whole life. You lied to Dad."

"I know, Jamie…I'm sorry," Jo cried.

"Aunt Blair is going back to New York for a while," Jamie said sadly. "I want to go back with her."

"What?" Jo asked nervously.

"Uncle Tad called this morning and asked her to come back for a while. She said I could go. I want to go. I want to get away from here," Jamie admitted.

"Where is Blair now?" Jo asked.

"Downstairs," Jamie said softly. "She said I needed to talk to you alone."

Jo nodded, "I'll miss you, but if you want to go, then I think you should."

"I was supposed to spend the summer there anyway," Jamie reminded her. "If Dad…if he hadn't died…"

"I know, sweetie," Jo forced herself not to cry. "It's okay. You can go. But promise me something…"

"What?" Jamie asked.

"Promise me that you'll come home," Jo let her tears slide down her cheeks. "I know you're mad at me, but I love you more than life itself. I need you to know that, even if you're mad at me."

"Of course I'll come home," Jamie sniffled. "I love you too…so much. I just need to get away from here and think."

"Okay," Jo nodded and reached out to her daughter. Jamie leaned into her and Jo embraced her and it took all of her emotional strength to let go of the hug. "I love you…"

"I love you too, Mom," Jamie whispered.


	92. Chapter 92

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Blair asked for the hundredth time. Jamie was in the waiting room watching TV and Blair wanted to make sure Jo wasn't upset. "She asked me if she could come to New York and I didn't have the heart to say no, but if you want her here…"

"Blair…it's okay," Jo insisted. "It'll do her some good. Things are too chaotic around here. She needs to get away and think. I need to make some decisions. It's the right thing."

Blair nodded, "Are you going to tell her about the baby? About keeping it?"

Jo shook her head, "I don't think it's a good idea. She's had so many changes, and I don't want to throw something else at her."

"It might bring you closer," Blair suggested. "It might make her happy. She wants to be a sister."

"I know she does," Jo sighed. "But I don't know what's going to happen. As much as I hate to admit it, I don't know what I will think or feel when this baby is born. I might not be able to do this…"

"You will," Blair insisted. "You're going to love this baby so much. I just know it." She smiled, "Have you picked out a name yet? I think Blair would be perfect."

Jo laughed, "It's a boy…I'm not naming him Blair."

"It's a _boy_?" Blair asked and suddenly Jo realized she hadn't told anyone but Rick that she knew the sex of her baby.

Jo nodded, "Yeah…a little boy." She ran her hand over the swell of her stomach. "I guess I haven't given much thought to his name. Until a few days ago, I didn't even let myself think of him as my son." Her face was sad and Blair could tell her friend was going to start crying again if she didn't do something.

"Hey…" she smiled. "Blair could still work for a boy. Any child would feel blessed to have such a great name."

Jo sighed, "I'll think about it," she said, knowing Blair was just trying to cheer her up. "When are you leaving for New York?" she asked changing the subject.

"A couple of days," Blair answered. "As long as you're sure you're okay with it."

"You need to go home," Jo said seriously. "You've been away from your husband for too long. He misses you. You need some time together." Suddenly she realized that maybe sending Jamie along wasn't the best idea, "Is Jamie going to be in the way?" she asked. "I don't want her to be in the way."

Blair shook her head, "She'll be fine. If Tad and I need some alone time we can always find someone to stay with her." She sighed, "Would she be upset by that? Me thinking she needs a babysitter?"

"She doesn't need a sitter," Jo smiled. "She's responsible enough to stay on her own sometimes. I'm a little worried though with her being away from home and all she's going through. I just want to know she has someone to talk to if she needs it."

"I promise I'll take good care of her," Blair squeezed her friend's hand. "Maybe she could spend some time with your folks too. She'd like that."

Jo nodded, "She would." Suddenly she had a thought and she wasn't sure how Blair would react to it. "What if…what if Mrs. G went with you? Jamie loves her and she's been taking such good care of her. Jamie will open up to her."

"Jo, I'd love to have Mrs. Garrett visit, but she's been taking care of you. What will you do without her here?" Blair was confused by her friend's willingness to send everyone away. It worried her.

"I'm fine. I don't need someone to take care of me," Jo insisted.

"You're going to be on complete bed rest when you come home," Blair argued. "You do need someone to take care of you."

"Blair…" Jo began, but then paused trying to find the right words. "I want her to go with you. I just want to be left alone."

Blair was confused and didn't know what to think. "Jo…why? You don't have to be alone…you have people who care and want to help."

"I know that, and I appreciate it…more than you know," Jo tried to explain. "It's just…for the past several months I've had people fussing over me. The doctors and nurses, Mrs. G, my mom, you…I just really want to have some time to think, time to work through some things, to feel what I need to feel about everything that has happened without wondering how it's going to affect everyone else. It sounds selfish, and I know that. I'm sorry."

Blair knew it was difficult for Jo to depend on others, but she hadn't thought much about how hard it had been for Jo to go through such an emotional trauma in the presence of so many friends and family members. She wondered how she would react herself in such a situation, and she had to admit it would be devastating. Maybe Jo did need some time to herself, "It's not selfish. I'm sorry I didn't realize before that you haven't had any time alone to process all of this. Jo, I wish you'd have said something…"

"I love all of you," Jo insisted. "And I am so grateful for all you've done for me." She let her hand rest softly on her stomach and sighed, "I'm going to have this baby in a couple of months, and I want to be a good mom to him, Blair. I really do. But I'm scared. I haven't dealt with anything that happened to me and I don't know what my reaction will be when I see him. I just don't. I'm so afraid I won't love him," she let her tears fall. "Rick has been trying to get me to see a psychiatrist. I didn't want to because I didn't want to talk about all of this. But now, knowing I'm keeping this baby…I can't even face choosing his name. How the hell am I going to face being his mother?" She sobbed. "I need help…and if this breaks me, I don't want to have to be strong for everyone else."

"Oh Jo," Blair leaned over and hugged her close. "You don't have to be strong for everyone else. We _want_ to help."

"But I need to do this for myself," Jo insisted.

"I know," Blair handed her a tissue and Jo dabbed at her eyes. "I'm just worried about you. Who's going to take care you?"

Jo shook her head, "No one has to take care of me. Bed rest doesn't meant I can't move at all. It just means I have to stay in bed and be careful when I move to get up to use the bathroom. I can do that. And…I'll give in and stay with Rick. I don't have any other choice anyway, and he's home most of the time so I wouldn't be completely alone. He can take me to the doctor or to a therapist appointment if he has to."

"I'm not sure he knows how to take care of you," Blair argued.

"That's the point I'm trying to make, Blair. He doesn't have to take care of me. He just has to be there in case I need a little help. He doesn't mind that," Jo sighed. "You know it."

"I know he doesn't," Blair smiled. "He'd like nothing more than to have you there with him. And he's going to _want_ to take care of you. You said yourself you were scared to move in there because you'd have to face your feelings for him. Are you ready to do that?"

Jo shrugged, "I have a lot of things to face. I might as well take care of it all at once." She forced a smile to show her friend she was teasing, even though there was seriousness in the comment. "You said before that I should take him up on his offer."

"I know…but I thought Mrs. G would be there to help you," Blair answered. "What if you go into labor or something?"

"The baby isn't due until October. You're bringing Jamie home at the end of summer and Mrs. G or my mom, someone can come back then. I just really want some time to think…I wish you could understand," Jo said sincerely.

"I do understand," Blair hugged her friend once more. "And if this is what you want, we'll do it. But promise you'll call me if you need one of us to come back. Please? Promise me."

"I promise," Jo smiled weakly. "Thanks."


	93. Chapter 93

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Edna Garrett asked as she hugged Jo one last time. "I know you want me to help Blair with Jamie, but I'm worried about you too."

"I promise, Mrs. G," Jo said gently. "I'll be fine. The doctor said I can probably go home tomorrow. The baby is fine, I'm not dehydrated anymore, and they have my pain under control. I'll stay with Rick and I'll be okay. Just take good care of my daughter, please?"

Edna nodded, "If that's what you want," she sighed. "I do love New York. Maybe Jamie and I can do some sightseeing while Blair and Tad enjoy some alone time."

Jo smiled, "That sounds nice. I think she'd like that." Her face looked more serious, "Mrs. G? Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course," Edna said sincerely. "What do you need?"

"Do you think you can talk to Jamie while the two of you are sightseeing? See how she's feeling about everything? Make sure she knows how much I love her…how much _Rick_ loves her? Jo refused to cry, but she could feel the familiarity of tears welling in her eyes. "I want her to know. I don't want her to hate us, Mrs. G."

"Oh honey, she doesn't hate you," Edna said gently as she reached out and squeezed her hand. "She's confused about some things. I have to admit, so am I. Jo, I just can't believe all the things you did…but I know you and I know you did what you thought was right for Jamie. She knows that too…or at least she will, when she has time to process all of it. She needs this time away, just to deal with her feelings."

"I know," Jo admitted. "That's why I am letting her go, even though it's breaking my heart. I want to keep her here with me. I really do."

"I know that," Edna hugged her close. "Jamie knows that too. And she'll be home before you know it. Then maybe you can both move on with life."

"Maybe…" Jo said softly. "I really hope so."


	94. Chapter 94

"Careful," Rick said gently as he helped Jo lean back into the pillows propped up on the bed. He looked around his bedroom, hoping she wouldn't be too disappointed in the lack of décor. Then he remembered it was Jo and knew she wouldn't care about how the room looked. "Do you feel alright? Is the bed too soft for your back?"

"It's fine," Jo insisted. She looked around the room. Clothes were hanging out the dresser drawers, sheet music was stacked in piles in the corner, the small desk on the far side of the room was cluttered with papers and a keyboard was standing beside it. She assumed it was the spot where Rick worked on his music and she felt guilty for pushing him out. "Your room reminds me of Jamie's" she said seriously. "She definitely has your clutter bug gene."

Rick smiled, knowing Jo was thinking of Jamie on the plane to New York. She had agreed it was a good idea, but that didn't mean she didn't miss her. Rick missed her too. "It's not clutter," he insisted. "I need all of this. I know where everything is, and I bet Jamie does too."

Jo nodded, "Oh I'm sure she does," she smiled. "Thanks for this. I know it's inconvenient…"

Rick shook his head, "No it's not. I want you to stay here. If I didn't, I wouldn't have asked you." He put his hand on her stomach and smiled, "How's this little guy doing? Everything okay?"

Jo sighed, "Yeah, he's fine."

"Are you hungry?" Rick asked. "I can make something for dinner…or order something…"

"I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me," Jo said seriously. "I'll be fine."

"I _am_ going to take care of you," Rick promised. "I know you said you wanted some time to yourself, and I'll respect that. But I am not letting you out of this bed unless it's absolutely necessary, so you'll have to let me take care of you most of the time. Besides, you know how much I love you. I want us to be together again, and it's my job to take care of you."

"Rick…I want to see a psychiatrist, like you suggested," Jo knew she was changing the subject. "I asked my doctor to recommend someone and he did. I need to go see her soon. Maybe she can help me deal with all of this. Until then, I can't make any decisions about my life. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me," Rick sat next to her on the bed, "I think it's a good idea for you to talk with someone," he said honestly. "I can take you…whenever you need me to. I'm going to work from home for a while."

"You can't do that," Jo sighed. "You need to be at the studio sometimes."

Rick shook his head, "Not really…not for a while. At the end of summer Jamie will be home and you said your mom or Mrs. Garrett would come back with her. I can stay home until then."

"Rick…" Jo began but he interrupted her.

"I'll give you your space," he promised. "I won't try to push you into a relationship with me, or overstep boundaries, or anything like that. I promise. But I will stay home and bring you food, help you in and out of bed, take you to appointments, and _anything_ else you need or want me to do. I'm not backing down on that. You can't be home alone."

Jo nodded sadly, "I just want my life back. This is so hard."

"I know," Rick brushed her hair out of her face and smiled. "But it's bound to get easier…especially if you let me help you." Jo nodded, reluctantly. "So, dinner?" Rick asked again.

Jo nodded, "Obviously I'm in no position to say no to dinner." She laughed, genuinely.

Rick looked at his watch, "The plane should be landing in New York soon. I know you want to talk to Jamie. Why don't I run and get some food, and when I get back we can call and talk to her? Then I'll leave you alone for the night. Okay?"

"Yeah," Jo sighed. "That sounds good." Rick winked at her and walked toward the door. "Rick…" Jo called to him and he turned to look at her. "Thanks."


	95. Chapter 95

Jamie was excited as she walked down the street with Mrs. Garrett. She had never been able to explore New York and she was eager to see as much as she could. In the three weeks she had been staying with Blair and Tad, she hadn't even left Peekskill. Even her grandparents had come to the Inn to visit her instead of letting her go to see them in the Bronx. But since Blair and Tad were going away for the weekend, Mrs. Garrett had promised to take her out on the town and she was cherishing every moment of it. "This is so much fun! Thanks for bringing me," she grinned. "We should bring Tisha next time."

Mrs. Garrett smiled at the suggestion. She knew Jamie had become close to Dorothy's daughter over the past few weeks and she was glad she had a friend close in age to talk with. "We could do that," she put her arm around the girl and squeezed her close. "I'm glad you're having fun." She pointed to a small pizza place on the corner, "Let's go over there and eat lunch," she suggested. "If I remember correctly that is one the best pizza places in the city."

"Okay," Jamie agreed happily. "I love pizza. Aunt Blair's chef makes stuff I don't even recognize most of the time," she giggled. "I miss real food."

They walked into the restaurant and sat down. The place was busy, but they were waited on quickly. When the waiter brought their pizza, Jamie took a big bite, the melted cheese stretching from the slice to her mouth. Mrs. Garrett laughed, "So, is it good?"

"Yeah, it's great!" Jamie said as she wiped the cheese from her chin. "Definitely the best restaurant pizza I've ever had." She looked at Mr. Garrett, and her voice lacked the enthusiasm from seconds before. "Mrs. G? Have you ever had my mom's pizza?" She sat the slice on her plate, and wiped away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "It's good…better than this…a lot better."

"I've had it, and you're right. It is definitely better than this," Mrs. Garrett smiled gently at the girl. "Honey, do you miss your mom?"

Jamie nodded, "Yeah. I didn't think I would. I was so mad at her."

"You can be mad at someone and still love them you know," Mrs. Garrett said honestly. "It's okay to miss her."

"I know," Jamie wiped away a few more tears. "I've talked to her on the phone. She says she misses me. That she's been seeing a doctor to help her deal with everything that's happened to her. She said she feels better and she's sorry she hurt me, but I just want things to be the way they were before. I can't just forgive her."

"Honey, you _can_ forgive her. Maybe you're not ready yet, and that's okay, but you're going to have to face that things are never going to be the way they were," Mrs. Garrett looked sadly into the girl's eyes.

"Do you remember when I first told you that I knew Uncle Rick was my real dad?" Jamie asked. Mrs. Garrett nodded. "I always knew and they just didn't know that I knew. But now that everything is out in the open, they act like I should just be okay with it all."

"Oh sweetie, I don't think they want you to be okay with it. Jo and Rick both know they made a big mistake by lying to you. They love you and they want to make things right. I know that," Mrs. Garrett squeezed the girl's hand. "You have to give them the chance."

"When I showed you those pictures that day…and my birth certificate…you asked me if I wanted to talk about April. About my life with her," Jamie failed at holding back her tears.

"Do you want to?" Mrs. Garrett asked, almost afraid of what the girl might reveal to her.

Jamie nodded slightly, "I was always scared with her. I don't remember living with my mom and Uncle Rick…I've looked at those pictures over and over since I found them, but I still don't remember."

"Well you were just a little baby," Mrs. Garrett said softly.

"I know, but if I could have remembered them when I was little, maybe I wouldn't have been so scared with April. I would've known that there were people out there who loved me." She looked down at her pizza, but her mind was obviously elsewhere. "She used to leave me alone. I'd wake up…and it would be dark and I'd be afraid. But if I cried, and she came home, she'd get mad at me." Jamie's words were chilling. "Sometimes she'd give me stuff to make me fall asleep…pills or bitter tasting drinks. I was always glad because I knew I'd fall asleep and she wouldn't yell at me or hit me and I wouldn't know I was home alone in the dark."

"Oh sweetheart," Mrs. Garrett moved to the seat next to Jamie and held her as the girl cried.

"Mom found me when I was seven," Jamie cried. "I don't even remember why April took me out with her that night. I wish I could remember, but all I remember is Mom. She picked me up and she hugged me and she told me I was going to be okay. That's the first time I ever remember anyone hugging me." Mrs. Garrett pulled her closer, saddened by the girl's story. No child should have to endure the things this girl had. "I didn't tell my mom," Jamie said. "About the things April did to me. I didn't want her to hate me."

"She wouldn't have hated you, Jamie," Mrs. Garrett said honestly. "She could never hate you."

"April hated me," Jamie sputtered. "And when they told me my daddy was coming to get me, and then he didn't keep me…I thought he hated me too. I was so scared Mom was going to decide she didn't love me either…that she would want to get rid of me."

Suddenly she realized Jamie's reluctance to forgive Jo and Rick went much deeper than she originally thought. The girl had felt betrayed early in her life, and even now she couldn't get past it. She might never get past it. Her wounds were deeper than anyone knew or understood. "Jamie…Rick didn't hate you. That's not why he gave you up."

"I know," Jamie said through her tears. "He told me…he wanted me to be with Mom because she could take better care of me. But when I was little, it didn't feel that way."

"You're not a little girl now," Mrs. Garrett said honestly. "You're thirteen. You're growing up…you know how much they love you."

"My dad…Kyle…he was hard to get to know," Jamie admitted. "But he was a good dad and I loved him. I'm not sure it's fair to let Uncle Rick be my dad now, and I know that's what he wants. I think Mom wants that too, even though she won't say it."

"What makes you say that?" Mrs. Garrett asked.

"She moved in with him Mrs. G. I'm not a little kid. You said that yourself. I know what that means," Jamie wiped her eyes and sighed.

"She's only staying with him because she's on bedrest and the doctor won't let her go upstairs," Mrs. Garrett insisted. "It's nothing more than that."

Jamie shook her head, "They have fun together. They always have. My mom and Uncle Rick laugh and joke around together in a way she never did with my dad. My dad wasn't really very nice to Mom, especially right before the accident. They fought a lot…and he would lie to her about what he was doing and where he was at night. He made her cry. And he was a drug dealer, Mrs. G…_a drug dealer_."

"I know that honey," Mrs. Garrett looked at the girl sadly. "But I know he was a good dad to you and you loved him."

"I did," Jamie sighed, "But I'm not sure Mom did…not for last few years anyway."

"Well, their relationship isn't anything you have to worry about," Mrs. Garrett reminded her. "It was between the two of them. And I know your mom wouldn't want you to spend your time worrying about how your dad treated her or if they loved each other. She'd just want you to remember how much your dad loved _you_."

"Uncle Rick loves me too," Jamie admitted. "And he loves Mom. I know he does." Jamie sighed, "I kind of miss him. He was trying really hard to make me happy before I came to New York, and I didn't really give him a chance. Even when I talk to Mom on the phone he always wants to say hi and see how things are going, but I haven't really said much to him."

"Well, it's not too late to give him a chance now," Mrs. Garrett smiled. "If you want to." Jamie took another bite of her pizza and leaned her head on Mrs. Garrett's shoulder.


	96. Chapter 96

"That was amazing," Jo smiled as Rick finished the song he was playing on the keyboard. He had offered to take his work out into the living room, but she didn't mind him playing music in the room next to her. While she wanted time alone, she realized pretty quickly that she didn't want to spend all of her time alone, and listening to him play was a pleasant distraction. She'd always enjoyed that side of him, and things were no different now. "I can't believe you wrote that."

Rick laughed and climbed onto the bed beside her, resting his hand on her stomach. "I don't think the little one liked it much," he sighed. "He's not kicking. He usually kicks when I play."

"I think he's asleep," Jo yawned. "It was a beautiful song, but it was pretty soothing."

"I think his mommy is about to fall asleep too," Rick teased and stood up from the bed. "It's almost ten o'clock. I'm done playing for the night. I'm going to let you _both_ get some sleep."

"Yeah, maybe I'll only have to wake you up three or four times to help me out of bed tonight," Jo teased as she tried to shift to a more comfortable position. "I'm sick of peeing all night long. I just want to sleep the whole night through."

Rick laughed, "I don't think you're gonna get a full night's sleep for a while, hon. I'm sorry." Just then the phone rang and he reached over to the nightstand to pick it up, "Hello?" he answered and smiled at Jamie's voice on the other end of the line. "Sure honey, she's right here," He handed the phone to Jo. "It's Jamie," he smiled.

"Jamie?" Jo grabbed the phone eagerly. It had been three weeks since she'd seen her daughter and she missed her terribly. "Sweetie, how are you?"

"I'm fine Mom," Jamie's voice quivered slightly. "I miss you."

Jo felt tears welling in her eyes. It was the first time since she'd left that Jamie admitted to missing her. It felt good to know her daughter wanted to be with her again. "I miss you too. So much…"

"Mom, I talked to Mrs. Garrett," Jamie began. "About everything. She said it's okay for me to be upset about what happened, but that I have to get past it if we're going to be a family again."

"Jamie…you know how sorry I am," Jo tried to apologize again, but Jamie stopped her.

"I know that," Jamie replied. "You don't have to keep telling me. I know you did what you thought was right. I know you only wanted to protect me."

"I did," Jo insisted. "I really did. And Jamie, I've been talking with the therapist I told you about and she says that maybe when you get back, we should go see her together. Maybe she can help us work through this."

"What about Uncle Rick?" Jamie asked. "Geez, I feel weird even calling him that. He's not my uncle…"

"He could go with us," Jo looked pleadingly at Rick who nodded his head willingly. "If you want him too. We don't want to push you, Jamie. We want you to be happy."

"Do you love him?" Jamie asked seriously. "I know he loves you."

"He loves _you_, sweetheart," Jo replied.

"I know that," Jamie sighed. "But he loves you too. Do you love him? Do you want to marry him?"

"Jamie…" Jo didn't know what to say to her daughter.

"You do, don't you?" Jamie said softly. "I knew it."

"Honey, I don't want you to be unhappy. Neither does Rick." Jo promised.

"I don't want you to be unhappy either," Jamie said honestly. "I was thinking about my adoption. I know I can't legally be Jamie Lawson. Uncle…well Rick, said that he wanted his name on my birth certificate."

"We can work it out Jamie," Jo insisted. "I promise. Honey, I don't want you to worry about it."

"I think I want my name to be Jamie Polniaczek-Bonner." Jamie's voice quivered and Jo could tell her daughter was doing her best to hold back tears. "Do you think that's okay? He won't be mad about that?"

"I think he'll be fine with that," Jo said softly. "As long as you are."

"I am," Jamie said truthfully. "Mom…I know he loves me. I know he's my dad. I just don't think it's fair that everything had to change so fast, all at once. But Mrs. Garrett said that you both loved me so much when I was a baby, and I saw the pictures, maybe we could've been a happy family. Maybe we still can be?"

"Oh honey…" Jo felt her own tears slide down her cheeks. "We did love you…so much. We still do, more than anything."

"I'll try to be happy Mom," Jamie sobbed. "I want you to be happy…both of you. And I want us to be that family again. I miss being a family."

"Jamie, I don't know what's going to happen," Jo admitted. "But I promise you…we are always going to be a family. Rick and I both love you, more than anything."

"Aunt Blair says she'll bring me home next week," Jamie sniffled. "I wish it was sooner. I miss you so much."

"I can't wait to see you," Jo forced a smile. "But try to have fun and enjoy your last week, okay? School starts right after you get back." She couldn't believe how quickly the summer had passed by.

"Okay," Jamie sighed. "I guess I should go." She paused briefly. "I love you."

"I love you too," Jo said, suddenly feeling immense sadness at not being able to pull her daughter into an embrace. "I can't wait until I see you next week." She sadly hung up the phone, and looked at Rick, sadness and relief both apparent. "She said she wants us to be a family again. _All_ of us."

"What?" Rick was shocked as he sat back on the bed next to Jo. "She said that?"

Jo nodded, "She said she wants her name to be Jamie Polniaczek Bonner on her new birth certificate. She said she misses us and she wants us to be happy."

Rick shook his head in disbelief, tears forming in his own eyes, "Jo, I don't know what to say. I really don't. You know how much I want us to be a family."

"I know," Jo grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight. "I want that too. But we have to be careful. I don't want Jamie to get hurt. I want her to know we both love her and want what is best for her, more than we care about being together as a couple."

"I don't want Jamie to get hurt either," Rick admitted. "But I _do_ want us to be a couple again. You know that. And I know you want that too." He leaned in and kissed her, deeply on the lips. Pulling away from the kiss, he immediately noticed Jo put her hand to her stomach and exhale sharply. "Hey, are you okay?" he asked, putting his hand on top of hers. "Jo…"

"Yeah," she cringed slightly. "I'm fine. It's just the stupid Braxton Hicks again." She'd been having them for days. The first time Rick had actually insisted on taking her to the doctor, but the doctor had explained to them both that the contractions were not labor contractions and that they were perfectly normal, especially with the baby due in five weeks. They still seemed to take her off guard though and Jo couldn't help but worry when she had one. "I'm really fine. It just surprised me." She smiled, "It woke the baby up though."

Rick rubbed his hand over the swell of her stomach, smiling as the baby kicked and squirmed. "You're going to tell me if you feel worse, right?" he asked.

"Of course," Jo promised. "But I'm fine. This little guy has some more growing to do." She looked down and sighed, "I think he's gonna be huge. Thank God I am having a C-section." The doctor had scheduled it for October 1, insisting that Jo's body wasn't strong enough to tolerate labor and Jo didn't even want to think about how big she'd be by then. Her bellybutton had already stretched and popped to the point that it stuck out under her shirts and her skin was tight and sore. She felt miserable, but she felt guilty admitting it after all Rick was doing to try to keep her comfortable.

"I don't think he'll be _that_ big," Rick smiled. "Ten…eleven pounds…" he laughed and Jo rolled her eyes at him. "Nah, I'm teasing." He leaned over and kissed her again. "I love this baby, Jo. You know that too, right? I love you and him and Jamie."

"I know you do," Jo smiled weakly. "I just don't want us to make a mistake and I don't want the kids caught in the middle, you know? We failed at this relationship once before. I don't want to do that again."

Rick nodded, "I think we've learned from the past Jo. I don't think we'll make those same mistakes again. I love you, so much."

"I love you too," Jo admitted, trying not to cry at the anxiety she was feeling over the whole situation. Suddenly she felt the now familiar tightening in her belly and closed her eyes, scrunching up her face as she waited for it to stop.

"It's okay," Rick tried to soothe her, gently massaging her stomach. "Remember, the doctor said you need to breathe. You're holding your breath, honey. That isn't helping…"

She exhaled, opening her eyes and looking at him. "I don't feel very well. I think I really need to go to sleep now."

"Okay," Rick kissed her on the forehead, brushing some stray hairs out of her face. As much as he wanted to believe the doctor that the Braxton Hicks were normal and harmless, he was still worried. He leaned back on the bed next to her and Jo looked at him with questioning surprise. "I think I should stay in here with you. Just in case," he whispered. "Is that okay?"

Jo thought about it and nodded slowly. "Yeah…I guess it's okay." Then she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Wide awake, all Rick could do was lay there and stare as her chest rose and fell with even breaths. He thought back to the last time he had shared a bed with her, and he couldn't even remember it clearly. He wanted this family, had longed for it for more years than he cared to remember. He knew that even though she was scared, Jo wanted it too. They had to make this work.


	97. Chapter 97

It was pitch black in the room when Rick opened his eyes. Glancing at the clock on the side table he could see it was just after three o'clock. He wasn't sure at first what had awakened him from his deep sleep, but then he heard the miserable cry and rolled over to where Jo was sobbing on the other side of the bed. She was on her side, clutching tight to the sheets she had obviously pulled off the side of the bed. He jumped up quickly, unsure at first what was happening. "What's wrong?" he asked nervously. Looking at her pale, sweaty face he wasn't sure she heard him. "Jo…honey…"

"This hurts," she gasped. "So bad. Help me. I need help…"

Rick moved from the bed, kneeling down on the floor in front of her. He had never seen someone in so much pain. It made him queasy to look at her as she gasped for breath and cried out in agony. "Why didn't you wake me up?" he asked, wondering how he could've slept through this in the first place. "How long have you been in labor?"

"I don't know. It wasn't so bad at first," she sobbed. "I thought it was just the Braxton Hicks again…" she scrunched up her face and pulled tighter on the sheets as she screamed out in pain. "My back…it hurts." Her whole body shook.

Rick looked at her, unsure of what to do. He'd seen women in labor on TV lots of times, but it never looked like this. Something wasn't right, and he wasn't sure if it was because of her injuries or if something was wrong with the baby or if it was just too early and things were progressing too quickly. "It's gonna be okay," He said with uncertainty as he reached for the phone to call the doctor. He knew Jo couldn't tolerate labor. Her body was too damaged. That was why they had scheduled the c-section, but it was so early no one expected the baby to come this soon. On the phone, the doctor seemed as surprised as anyone that Jo was in labor already. He had just seen her a couple of days before and everything seemed fine, but he knew things sometimes moved unexpectedly fast. From what Rick described on the phone, there was no way they could drive to the hospital. Rick hung up the phone and knelt down next to Jo, "He's calling an ambulance to take you to the hospital. He doesn't think it's safe for us to drive."

"My baby…" Jo cried hysterically.

"He's gonna be okay," Rick stoked her hair. Jo closed her eyes again, screaming out in pain. Rick pulled her clentched hands from their grasp on the bedsheets. "Squeeze my hands," he said gently. "And breathe slowly. You can do this. You have to calm down…for the baby." He could feel her relax a little, but she was still shaking uncontrollably and her skin was a ghostly white. He ran to the bathroom and moistened a washcloth with cool water. She cried out when he put it on her forehead. She was burning up. Her skin was hot to the touch and he wasn't sure if that was normal in labor or if something else was wrong. "Just breathe," he tried to reassure her. "Everything's fine. The ambulance will be here soon."

"I can't have my baby here," Jo cried. "My back…I can't move…it hurts so much."

Rick held her hand, letting her squeeze even tighter, "We're gonna make it to the hospital. It won't be much longer, honey. I promise. You and the baby are both going to be fine." He put his hand on her stomach, feeling the hard knot of labor instead of the kicks and squirms he usually felt. "Everything's okay…"

It felt like hours before the ambulance arrived, but glancing at the clock Rick realized it had only been twenty minutes. Still, it had been twenty long and excruciating minutes that left Jo even weaker than before. As the paramedics carefully lifted her onto the stretcher she cried and grabbed for Rick to hold her hand. "I'm worried about our little boy," she sobbed.

Rick took her hand, completely aware that she had said _ours_ instead of mine for the first time. He leaned down and kissed her softly on the cheek as the paramedics carefully situated her body on the stretcher. "Our little boy is going to be perfect, Jo. I know that. Everything's going to be okay, now." He watched as they lifted the stretcher onto the ambulance. Then he climbed on himself, holding her hand as they rushed to the hospital, sirens blaring and lights flashing. He prayed he hadn't lied to her. Everything had to be okay.


	98. Chapter 98

Her pain was gone. They had prepped her for the c-section, and now Jo was waiting to go the operating room. As much as she had fought taking the pain medication during this pregnancy, the drugs they had injected when she came into the hospital had been a welcomed relief. At least she could think now about what was happening to her, what was happening to the baby. Rick walked into the room, dressed in green scrubs the nurse had handed to him. He grabbed her hand and smiled gently, "It's almost time," he whispered.

Jo nodded. She hadn't expected things to be this way. Her mother was supposed to be there with her, not her ex-husband. Rick told her he had called Blair right after they arrived at the hospital and she promised to get a hold of Jo's parents and fly them to New York right away. Jo was scared of her father's reaction. She had insisted no one tell him about the baby when she planned to give him up for adoption, and now she was afraid he would be hurt. She couldn't focus on that now though. She looked at Rick, dressed in his scrubs and wondered if he was scared to go into the operating room with her. She knew he hadn't planned on it, but the turn of events had thrust him into the position. "You don't have to," she said.

"I don't have to what?" he asked, figuring the drugs had left her little out of it.

"You don't have to go in with me," she sighed. "In the operating room. I know it's scary."

Rick shook his head, "Nothing could be as scary as what was going on at the apartment. If we survived that, this should be a piece of cake."

Jo nodded, "Thanks for helping me. I know I should've woken you up sooner. It just didn't seem that bad and then all of the sudden, it was."

"I know," Rick put his hand on her stomach and smiled. He knew she wasn't feeling the pains anymore, but the tight knot beneath his hand let him know the baby was still coming soon. "I can't wait to see him," he smiled. "I bet he won't be ten pounds after all."

Jo laughed a little, but then her face looked worried. "He's gonna be tiny. I hope he's alright."

"The doctor said he's fine," Rick reminded her. "He just wanted to make his entrance into the world a little ahead of schedule." He winked at her. "He was ready to meet his mommy."

"Rick…if I can't do it, when I see him…if I can't love him," she cried. "Please don't hate me."

"Oh honey," Rick stroked her wet cheek, "I could never hate you. I know you're scared because you don't know what you're going to feel when you see the baby, but honey, trust me…you're going to love him."

Two nurses came in and wheeled Jo's bed down to the operating room. They put up a plastic sheet just below her chest and Rick sat next to her holding her hand. Jo could hear the doctors and nurses talking, describing what they were doing, but she just wanted it to be over. For a second she started counting in her mind the number of surgeries she'd had over the past several months, all the result of her attack, and included this one in the number, but then stopped herself. She couldn't look at this as a result of that brutality anymore. She knew that. This was her child, and he didn't deserve to have his birthday marred by the memory of that horrid event. She squeezed Rick's hand tighter for support. She couldn't feel the physical pain of delivering the baby, but that didn't mean she wasn't aching emotionally. He leaned over and kissed her again on the forehead, "You're doing great," he whispered. "You really are."

She wasn't sure how long it had been, but eventually the sound of a small, shrill cry filled the room. "It's a boy," the doctor smiled.

"Is he okay?" Jo asked, her voice shaking. "Is he too small?" The doctor held him up so she could see him, and the tiny pink baby squirmed and squealed. Jo was almost afraid to look at him, not sure what she would think or feel being faced with him for the first time.

She looked at Rick first, his tears streaming down his cheeks, and a smile planted permanently on his lips, and she knew that at least he loved this baby. Maybe he wasn't her son's biological father, but at least the little boy would always be loved. Rick wiped away the tears sliding down his cheeks, "Jo, look at him. He's beautiful…"

Then she let herself look at her son. She didn't know what she would feel, but as she stared at his red, scrunched up face and listened to his piercing cry, all she wanted to do was hold him and comfort him. "It's okay baby…" she whispered through her own tears. "Mommy's here." She looked at the nurse, "I want to hold my baby…please."

The nurse smiled, "Let us wrap him up first." She walked back behind the sheet and emerged a few minutes later with the tiny blue bundle. "It might be hard for you to hold him just yet," the nurse said gently, knowing the news wouldn't set well with the new mother. "Because of how you're laying from the surgery, and how weak you are from the medication. There might not be a good way to situate him in your arms." She looked at Rick and smiled, "Why don't we let his daddy hold him and then he can sit next to you so you can see the baby a little better?"

Jo and Rick looked at each other, both unsure of what to say to the nurse's suggestion. No one else had ever called Rick the baby's father before. Jo nodded and Rick put out his arms as the nurse carefully handed him the tiny boy. He gasped at how light the baby was, "He's so small. Are you sure he's okay?" he asked and the nurse nodded with a smile. Rick sat next to Jo, holding the baby close to her. "He looks just like you," he whispered.

"No he doesn't," Jo insisted. "He looks like his own person." It took all of her strength to lift her hand to touch the baby's soft cheek. The baby closed his eyes then, calming down so his cries sounded more like a soft whimper, "I love him," Jo looked at Rick and forced a weak smile.

"I know you do," Rick leaned over and kissed her again. "I always knew you would."

Hours later sunlight was streaming through the window when Rick opened his eyes. He hadn't meant to fall asleep. After the surgery they had wheeled Jo back into her room, and the nurse suggested they would keep the baby in the nursery while she slept, but Jo frantically insisted they leave him with her. So, Rick promised to stay in the room in case either of them needed anything. The last thing he remembered was watching Jo's eyes close in sheer exhaustion and then sitting in the chair by her bed and closing his own eyes. How long ago had that been?

"You're awake?" Jo said with a slight grin as Rick looked up at her. She was holding the baby now, the little boy sound asleep in her arms. "I wondered when you'd wake up? I think you were more exhausted than me."

"I'm sorry," Rick stood up yawning and walked over to her bed. "I didn't mean to fall asleep." He looked at the baby and smiled, "How is he?"

"He's fine," Jo smiled. "The doctor thought he might need time to be weaned off the pain medication, but he's been okay so far. They don't think he's addicted. It's a miracle."

"Yeah," Rick took the baby's tiny hand and wrapped it around his finger. "_He's_ a miracle."

Jo nodded, "All five pounds three ounces of him," she chuckled. "He's so small. I can't believe how small he is."

"He'll grow," Rick sat back down in the chair and watched as Jo cuddled her son. "I can't believe he came so early, and he's so healthy. Thank God."

"Rick, thanks for everything…for taking care of me…for taking care of us," Jo let a tear slide down her cheek. "I couldn't have done this on my own."

"You know I'm always here if you need me," Rick said sincerely. "Always." He smiled, "So, does this little guy have a name yet? He needs a name. We can't just call him 'little one' forever."

Jo nodded, "Uhm…yeah." She looked down at her son. "I was thinking, Henry. He looks like a Henry…don't you think?"

"After your partner?" Rick looked at the sleeping baby and smiled, "Definitely…he looks like a Henry to me too."

"Rick?" Jo looked at him questioningly. "Since Jamie wants her name to be Polniaczek-Bonner on her new birth certificate…do you think…maybe that could be Henry's last name too? It okay if you don't want to…"

"I think it sounds perfect," Rick leaned over and kissed her. The baby began to fuss and squirm, letting them know he wanted their full attention. Rick laughed, "Hey little man," he reached for him and Jo gently placed the baby in his arms. "You have to share your mommy with me sometimes." He sat in the chair, holding the baby close to him, and gently rocking him back and forth. Jo looked at the two of them, her heart bursting with love. How could she have ever questioned her feelings for either one of them? Right now, she couldn't imagine her life without Rick or Henry. She was glad she didn't have to.


	99. Chapter 99

Blair called from the airport to let Jo and Rick know that they had arrived. She was relieved to hear that everything was fine, that the baby, despite his small size was healthy and happy. Jo asked her to let Jamie come to the hospital room alone at first, that she and Rick needed to talk to their daughter without everyone else around, and so now the waiting room was full of people waiting to see Jo and her new son. Once she'd gotten word that Jo was in labor, Blair hadn't been able to keep the secret that her friend planned to keep the baby after all. Everyone was excited and thrilled, and insisted on coming to meet the newest member of the family. So along with Mrs. Garrett and Jo's parents, Dorothy and Natalie also waited with Blair while Jamie went up to see her mother.

"Mom," Jamie peeked around the door, unsure of what to expect.

Jo looked up and smiled, holding her hands out as he daughter ran to her bedside and hugged her. "Oh baby…I missed you so much. I'm glad you're home."

"Me too," Jamie admitted. Then she looked over at the isolette, where the baby was sleeping and smiled, "He's so cute," she gushed. She looked at Rick and smiled, "Isn't he the cutest baby you've ever seen?"

Rick stood up and put his arms around the girl. "He's one of the cutest, for sure. But you were a pretty adorable baby yourself."

Jamie leaned into him and hugged him close, "I'm sorry for being so angry at you."

"You had every right to be angry with me, Jamie," Rick stroked her long hair and smiled. "But I love you. You know that, right? Your mom and I both love you so much."

"I know," Jamie nodded. Then she looked back at the baby and grinned. "Can I hold him? Please?" She looked at her mother, "Aunt Blair said we get to keep him. That's true, isn't it? We're keeping him?"

Jo nodded. She wasn't happy that Blair had told her secret, but she knew in her heart that Blair had always known she'd keep the baby. Jo was the only one who had questioned it. "Yeah, he's your little brother."

Jamie sat in the chair, and Rick carefully picked up the baby, placing him in her arms. "Hi there," Jamie cooed at the baby and he wiggled in her arms. "I'm your sister…"

"I'll go down and get the rest of the crowd," Rick offered with a smile. "I know they're anxious to see you and the baby." Jo nodded and Rick left to get the others.

"Jamie…you know I love you, right?" Jo asked. "Just as much as the baby. I don't want you to ever question that."

"I know Mom," Jamie smiled sincerely. "You've always loved me." She looked down at her brother and chuckled, "I can't believe he's bald. I thought he'd have hair." She looked at her mother and laughed, "He kind of looks like a little old man."

Jo laughed, "Yeah, he kind of does." She admitted.

"Oh Jo," her mother rushed over to her bed and hugged her close, followed by the rest of the group. "Honey, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Jo answered, a little uneasy at all the attention being thrust upon her at once. "I'm sore, from the surgery, but otherwise I'm okay."

"Why didn't you tell me about the baby?" her father asked. His face showing the hurt he felt. "I would've understood, Jo. You know that."

"I'm sorry," Jo looked sadly at him. "I didn't want to hurt you. I should've told you. I didn't know how."

Charlie Polniazek leaned over and hugged his daughter, "He's okay though, right? My new grandson…he's healthy?"

"Yeah…he's great," Jo brushed away the tears streaming down her cheeks.

Everyone took turns passing around the baby, hugging Jo, and asking her questions. She felt overwhelmed, but blessed. Mrs. Garrett held the baby close to her and smiled, "He's precious," she whispered. "What's his name?"

"Henry…" Jo answered. "Henry Richard Polniaczek-Bonner." Everyone looked at Rick and back at Jo. Rick smiled at her, surprised that she had chosen his name for the baby's middle name. No one wanted to state the obvious, that Jo and Rick were going to raise this little boy together, even after all they had been through, so they quickly went back to gushing over the baby.

"Jo…he's darling," Dorothy smiled. "Kind of makes me want another baby."

"Thanks Tootie," Jo hugged her friend. "You can borrow him anytime you want." She looked at everyone, "I think we're going to be moving back to New York soon. Once my doctor thinks I'm well enough." Everyone looked at her with surprise, "I think Henry and Jamie both need their family closer. I know I do."

Jamie looked at Rick, "You're coming with us, right?"

Rick nodded. He and Jo and talked about it at length earlier that day. They both thought it would be best to make a new start for everyone. "Yeah," he hugged her close to him. "I'm coming with you. I'm not letting you out of my life again sweetheart."

"You're all making me feel left out," Natalie teased. "I wish I could be in New York more often."

"Well there's always room for you at the Little Inn when you want to visit," Blair offered with a smile. They continued to talk and laugh and pass the baby around. Blair sat next to Jo's bed and leaned her head close to her friend, speaking in a whisper, "I'm proud you," she said softly. "I know it was hard for you to face all of this, but I'm so glad you're happy." She hugged her.

"I am happy, Blair," Jo admitted. "For the first time in a long time."

"Guess what?" Blair grinned, her eyes wide with excitement. "Henry's gonna have a little friend to play with soon."

"What?" Jo asked. "Are you serious?"

Blair nodded, "I'm going to be a mom." She sighed. "I can barely believe it myself."

"You'll be a great mom, Blair," Jo hugged her. "I know it."

"We should probably go," Blair suggested reluctantly. She knew Jo needed to rest and the baby was crying, probably afraid of all the new people passing him back and forth. "We'll come back later."

"Okay," Jo took the baby as Natalie handed him to her. "Thanks, everyone. It means a lot to me to know how much you all love us."

Dorothy winked at her, "Of course we love you."

As everyone headed to the door, Jamie looked at her mother, "Can I stay? Please?"

"Of course," Jo smiled. "Come sit by me."

Jamie sat on the bed next to her mother, and rubbed her finger softly along her little brother's cheek. She looked at Rick who was leaning over both of them and smiled, "His eyes look like Mom's," she smiled.

"Yeah," Rick agreed. "They do…"

As they walked out the door, everyone stopped to look at this new little family. Sometimes it was amazing the blessings that could be created in the aftermath of such immense tragedy. This was proof of that. The feelings were bittersweet, but everyone left the room with a smile.


	100. Chapter 100

_Six Months Later…_

"Would you just take the damn picture?" Jo's teeth chattered as she waited for Blair to snap the photo. It was freezing in the February cold and even though they were all bundled up, none of them were used to the Peekskill winter anymore. Jo had her arms wrapped around Jamie, who standing in front of her mother, was dressed in her warmest winter coat but was still shivering.

Rick had six month old Henry propped in the crook of his arm, the baby's now dark, curly hair peeking from under his blue knit cap. His cheeks red with cold. "Don't say 'damn' in front of the baby," he rolled his eyes. "Do you want that to be his first word?"

"Blair…take the picture or we're going inside," Jo said again, the bright flash finally signaling that the picture was done. "Oh thank God," she rubbed her hands together and reached for her son. Rick handed her the baby and Jo kissed him on the cheek, "My son is turning into an icicle, Blair," she snickered. "I hope you're happy."

"You should always take a picture before you walk into your new house," Blair insisted as they made their way up with snow-packed sidewalk to the little house. Rick unlocked the door and they all walked inside, grateful for the warmth of being indoors. "It smells in here," Blair cringed.

"It's the paint," Jo insisted. "It's not that bad."

Jamie ran from the back of the house, "I found my room. I love it. It's so big."

"She probably found _our_ room," Rick laughed. Then he followed her back to the bedroom to show her where her own room was."

"I'm glad you're here," Blair smiled. "I've missed you so much."

"Me too," Jo situated her son on her hip and smiled. She reached out and touched her friend's swollen belly, "How are you feeling?"

"Good," Blair answered. "Fat." She sighed, "I'll be honest…I hate being fat."

Jo laughed, "Of course you do." She rolled her eyes and then hugged her friend. "You look great though…really."

"I never said I didn't look good," Blair teased.

Jo shook her head in defeat, "Come on…I'll show you the rest of the house." Blair followed her as they looked through the three bedroom, two bath house. It wasn't her taste or style, but it would be perfect for Jo. "Our things will be here tomorrow," Jo told her as they headed toward the door.

"I can't wait to set up my room," Jamie's eagerness made them all smile. "But I'm worried about school. I don't want to start at a new place."

"You'll love Eastland," Blair hugged her. "It's a great school."

"I'll be the new kid," Jamie sighed. "That's never a good thing."

"Hey, I was new there once," Jo looked at Blair and smiled. "If I survived that place, I know you can."

"Yeah, you have way more going for you than your mom did," Blair laughed.

"Thanks a lot, Blair," Jo's face was bitter. "You know, if it wasn't for me you'd still be suffering from princess syndrome. No one could stand to be around you…"

"Would you two stop the bickering," Rick took the baby from Jo and buttoned his little coat. "I swear I'm having flashbacks listening to you two go at it. Can't you stop with the damn fighting and just act like normal friends for once?"

They both looked at him, Jo raising her eyebrows with sarcasm, "Don't say 'damn' around Henry," she snickered. "Do you want that to be his first word?"

Rick rolled his eyes and then laughed, "Let's go have lunch." He suggested. He handed Henry to his mother and the baby giggled. Then Rick locked the door and took Jamie's hand in his as they made their way back to the car. "You're going to be fine at Eastland," he promised. "This move is going to be great for all of us."

"I know," Jamie agreed. She was happy. As scary as it was to have her life change in so many different ways, she knew she was loved.

Blair drove off in her car and as Jamie and Rick climbed in their car, Jo buckled Henry into his car seat. She looked at her new house. She really did love it. It was so warm and cozy. She knew they'd be happy there. As cold as she was, she knew in her heart that she'd missed the snow and slush of Peekskill all those years she'd lived in California. And watching Jamie and Rick joke around together in the car, she knew it had been wrong to keep them apart for so many years. Deceiving everyone had been a mistake, but she had to forgive herself for it now. Everyone else had. She kissed her baby boy on the cheek and whispered, "I love you." Then she climbed into the driver's seat and started the car.

Rick leaned over and kissed her, "Are you happy?" he asked her with a smile.

"Yeah," Jo said with definite truth. "I can't remember the last time I was this happy." She leaned in and kissed him again, this time long and deep.

"Hey can we stop with the mushiness and go to lunch?" Jamie chuckled from the back seat. "I'm starving."

Jo and Rick pulled away from the kiss, laughing, "Let's go," she said. Pulling away from the curb onto the familiar Peekskill streets, Jo knew she was blessed, and that was the happiest feeling in the world.

**The End**

**Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this story from beginning to end. I appreciate the support.**


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